Disclaimer: I do not own the His Dark Materials Series.

A/N: Hello again! I seem to be on a role with this. Hopefully it'll last! Here's another one of those Marisa and Asriel chapters. Time to let it allllll out!

And also, I just really want to thank everyone who has reviewed thus far and who has kept up with the story. You are all awesome! It makes me so happy that I can write something that people seem to like! Mrs. Coulter is one of my favorite literary characters ever, so I feel honored to be able to write about her and give some insight to my interpretation of her persona.

So thanks so much for reading and reviewing, and please keep it coming and have the best day ever :)

PS—I'm thinking about writing another story about Marisa and Asriel that includes some deeper emotions, so you might see a version of that prop up in the fandom over the next few weeks or months. :)

15.

Haphazard Hearts

"What were you talking about, Marisa?" Lord Asriel eased the bedroom door shut, lingering as he did so. "What did you say to her?"

"I doubt you'd be able to understand the mysteries between a mother and her daughter." The golden monkey screeched, and Mrs. Coulter raised her head, staring directly at him. Of all his malevolent traits, this was the one she hated the most. She could never respect or accept the way he demanded information from her as if she were an inferior. She just couldn't. As proud as she was, she'd never let him get away with it.

"Try me," he replied, turning back to return her glare. He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a step forward, waiting. He seemed very much like a stern, worn father, and the thought made Mrs. Coulter want to gag. "I would be delighted to hear it."

"If you must know," said Mrs. Coulter hotly, feeling her face start to flush, "we were talking about boys."

"You're lying." Stelmaria blinked, and Lord Asriel smiled. "It'd take a fool to believe that one, Marisa."

"Oh really?" Arrogance! Mrs. Coulter took a step forward herself, finding herself restless with rage. She knew what she had to do, and she knew how imperative it was for him not to know. "And how might you even know that, my lord? Do you ever talk to Lyra one-on-one? Do you know what it's like to be a twelve year-old girl? Do you know what it's like to be a mother?"

"Mere distractions," Lord Asriel mused, laughing slightly as proceeded to come closer to her. "Let's not be coy, Marisa. Just tell me what you told her."

He was closer now, and as he stopped to peer down at her, Mrs. Coulter could smell the faint trace of his cologne. It was soft yet sharp, but it smelled like it might have been an after scent from the day before. It filled her nostrils, and as she paused to look up at him, taking in his golden hair in the sunlight from the window, she felt that now achingly familiar sensation swell in her stomach.

"I didn't say anything, Asriel." He smiled just then, his teeth catching in the light, and Mrs. Coulter saw the golden monkey take a step towards the snow leopard, his head low and his tail straight out.

"Marisa, Marisa," he murmured, stepping forward. She was fully aware of how close they were, and she could now feel his warm breath against her face. "How you lie. Is that all you ever do? Was that all anything ever was?"

Those words struck her, and Mrs. Coulter found herself looking away. The golden monkey let out a low hiss, and as he took another creeping step toward the snow leopard, Mrs. Coulter felt her heart start to pound and her head start to reel.

What was she doing? She honestly didn't know. She had really created a mess for herself, and she was now desperately trying to get out of it. She'd told herself that all she had to do was get away from Asriel, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized that really wasn't what she wanted.

What she wanted, she knew, was him - all of them. As the monkey screeched, Mrs. Coulter knew in her heart that she wanted her daughter and her lover to be with her forever; she wanted to finally live the life they never thought they would have. As insane as it was, Mrs. Coulter had experienced and seen a lot of grand things in her thirty five years of life, and now that it was all said and done, she wanted to settle down and make it right. She was tired of living amongst lies and games.

In the end, the truth was that she was weak. She had always been weak when it came to him. Looking into his eyes, which glimmered so close to her in that small bedroom, she couldn't help herself. The golden monkey was quietly staring at the snow leopard, who was purring softly, and before she knew it, Mrs. Coulter was pressed against Lord Asriel. She let her hands rake his hair as she moved closer to him, taking in his musky scent and his muscular chest and his warm, moist lips.

She remembered the way he first looked at her back at that party at Jordan College. She remembered the first time their hands brushed that same night outside in the garden. She remembered how she had gazed into his eyes under the stars and told him to kiss her. She remembered how they then snuck back to her hotel room and spent their first night together.

Finding herself irrevocably lost, Mrs. Coulter remembered it all. She found herself yearning for their youth and for the days where they'd stroll through the empty corridors of the college, their hands entwined and their hearts beating as one. She wanted to go back in time and experience it again, for just a moment. She wanted to hear him, to feel him, to hold him, to kiss him; she wanted to relive every moment having to do with him, if only for a second.

She remembered it all, and she had never wanted it so badly. Looking at him, some kind of emotion mirrored on his own face, she realized that she had never needed him more than she did right now. The golden monkey's tail twitched as Stelmaria's paw covered his hand, and Mrs. Coulter felt chills as Lord Asriel kept staring at her. He had accepted her kiss, but he hadn't responded. Moving to put her hand on his stubbly face, she just wanted him to touch her, to want her; to make her feel loved again.

"What have I done?" she finally whispered, moving to rest her head against his chest. After a brief moment of hesitation, Lord Asriel placed a hand on the back of her head and held it there, his fingers playing with her curls. She felt the steady beat of his heart, and she closed her eyes, trying to envelop his warmth. "I shouldn't have done this to you."

Her voice was calm, but underneath, a sob threatened to break through. Mrs. Coulter swallowed hard to hold it back, and she sensed the monkey shaking as he rested his chin on the snow leopard's sleek, shiny pelt. She would never cry in front of Lord Asriel, not for the world, but that didn't mean she didn't want to.

"I know." His voice was low, but his tone was different. Mrs. Coulter felt his body stiffen, and she looked up to gaze at him again, the top of her head brushing his chin slightly.

He let go of her and allowed his hands to drop to his sides, returning her stare. The emotion that earlier clouded his features was now replaced with a calm look of neutrality, and as Mrs. Coulter continued to watch him, she felt her heart start to beat faster.

"Now what?" she dared to ask. She was aware of the snow leopard looming over the monkey now, and she shared his feelings of desire and despair. "Asriel…"

She moved forward towards him, wanting to hug him, to hold him, to do something to him, but he pulled back. "We can't do this, Marisa."

That short string of words felt colder than the entire arctic. He took a step backwards, shaking his head, and Mrs. Coulter couldn't help but take one forward towards him again, her mind spinning. What was happening? Why was he doing this?

"Our time is over," he continued, stepping back steadily until he was at the door. Stelmaria followed him, glancing back at the monkey, and Mrs. Coulter reached out for the monkey, who leapt into her arms anxiously. "We need to move on. Just remember that."

And with that he left, quickly opening and closing the door. Staring after him, her mouth slightly parted, Mrs. Coulter was completely dumbstruck.

He doesn't want me, she thought, sinking down to the bed, the golden monkey shifting to sling his arms around her neck. He just rejected me, he just, I just…

That's not entirely true. Her daemon drew circles around her blouse's collar, taking care to fold it back each time. I think he wants it just as much as you but is deciding to go with his head. It really is the right thing, Marisa.

A memory flashed just then.

The fire cackled playfully from the grandeur of the fireplace, and Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter were seated at a table in the back of the conference room. Her husband was up front with his colleagues, smoking cigars and talking about ministry business, and Mrs. Coulter was alone with her classmate and her coworker.

"You look simply exquisite tonight." His voice was low, and as Mrs. Coulter tried to look ahead and pay attention to the speaker, she felt his hand move to her leg under the table. She shifted uncomfortably.

"Asriel, stop." She batted his hand away and then cast a glance in all directions. If anyone saw them, she would be ruined, and it was all so dangerous and risky but still oh so worth it.

"No one's looking," he mumbled, capturing her hand in his and moving it back to her thigh. "Everyone's drunk on cheap wine and strong gin. Except for me, though." He suddenly stopped, and Mrs. Coulter turned to look at him, her heart skipping a beat. "I'm drunk on you, my love."

It really was a rash, cheesy thing to say, but for some reason, Mrs. Coulter felt butterflies surge in her stomach and chills rake down her spine as he continued to smile and then moved their hands further up her thigh.

"But Asriel, if anyone sees -"

"Stop." Abruptly, he brought his hands back onto the table and then moved to clasp her face, causing her to squirm and her eyes to flick around anxiously. "Don't go with your head. Just go with your heart."

And now, Mrs. Coulter finally was ready to go with her heart. As she sat there, stroking the golden monkey's long, luscious fur, she just wished that the other heart had waited for her to catch up to it.