Disclaimer: I do not own the His Dark Materials series.

A/N: Hi, everyone! I'm sorry it's been so long since my last update. College can be brutal and I'm nearing the end, so everything piles up on you. Anyway, I'm back for the time being, and here's the next chapter of our tale! I'll try my best to update again before the start of the new semester. Please let me know what you think of it!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Luxurious Lies

22.

Racing Realities

Quick now: think. The golden monkey balanced his tail and clung tightly to Mrs. Coulter's shoulders, his little black paws making their way seamlessly through the thick of her furs. How are we going to find her? Who should we alert?

Her daemon had the right idea to be sensible about it all, but Mrs. Coulter just couldn't handle it anymore. Swaying slightly, she tried to regain control of her breathing as she stood there in the middle of the crowded cobbled street. She was still in shock that Lyra had actually gotten away, and she was likewise completely heartbroken at the thought of never finding her, of never again stroking her hair, kissing her cheek, stroking her arm, rubbing her back; of never taking care of her like she had promised to do.

Passerby were starting to give her strange looks, and as a few slowed slightly to get a better look at her, Mrs. Coulter knew that she had to act fast.

Taking a deep breath and shaking her head, Mrs. Coulter picked up the golden money and cradled him in her arms as she turned around and retreated back to the Magisterium, trying not to move too desperately. She rushed past women carrying bags of groceries and skirted between groups of men talking loudly amongst each other before breaking into a run and bursting inside the heart of the Church, capturing the attention of all the men lurking about inside.

"You," she said, pointing to a group of soldiers, "Lyra has escaped. Gather a patrol and search the entire town for her. She can't have gotten far."

Almost instantly the men called down the hall for backup and charged out of the building, their dog daemons bolting at their heels. Mrs. Coulter watched them go with a heavy heart, wishing she could race after them, but there was something she had to do first. Stroking the golden monkey's silk fur, she turned toward a narrow hallway and made her way over to a room on the right.

"Father, I need your help." Bowing her head, Mrs. Coulter made her way into the small, dimly-lit chamber, aware of the presence of an elderly man. He was someone whom she'd never met before, and as she knelt down in front of the wooden screen, she felt ambivalence settle around her. Even the golden monkey relaxed as he leaned against her side, his ears flicking.

"What is bothering you, my child?" Mrs. Coulter heard him shift in his chair closer to his side of the screen, and she felt that familiar sense of nervousness and shame consume her. This time, however, it felt a little different.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." He was waiting, and she took a deep breath. "I'm a liar and a murderer, and I broke my daughter's heart and betrayed her trust."

Perhaps it was just because she had finally said it out loud, but at that moment, Mrs. Coulter felt completely overwhelmed. The weight of everything she had done came crashing down on her, and she finally realized how she had been viewed by Lyra. She had done nothing but lie her way into winning those children's trust only to further lead them to their deaths. She had then promised Lyra to take care of her and to keep her safe, and there she was wandering outside somewhere beyond of her mother's control. The golden monkey let out a little whimper, and trying her best not to succumb to the tears threatening to overcome her, Mrs. Coulter clutched her hands tighter together and bent even lower.

"I thought I was fulfilling God's mission and doing what was best for the Church," she continued, "but I've realized that I was falling prey to mere politics. I'm ashamed of what I've done and I regret everything. Absolutely everything. And now I don't know what to do."

Indeed, Mrs. Coulter was at a loss. Father McPhail had just informed her that she had to return to Bolvangar and resume her experiments, but deep inside the depths of her heart, Mrs. Coulter knew that she could never do that. Lyra had awakened a most gentle and considerate beast inside of her heart, and Mrs. Coulter could no longer justify her work and research in Bolvangar; she could no longer justify anything that deviated from her role as a mother and caregiver.

"What I regret most of all is not having been there for my child. I've done a lot of awful and wicked things, Father, and I'll admit that I'm selfish and vain to the very core of my being. But recently, I've been filled with such love and devotion for my child, and all I want to do is take care of her and make sure she grows up in the best of fashions. How can a mother want anything else?"

Mrs. Coulter was sure that she was starting to sound foolish, and in a last attempt to save her dignity, she cleared her throat and evened her voice. "I understand that I'm caught in a dangerous game, and I just wish I knew which move to play."

The priest had been silent for a long time, and while Mrs. Coulter knew it wasn't his place to judge, that worry did cross her mind. But as she knelt there and waited, goose bumps erupting over her skin, she heard the priest clear his throat and shift in his seat.

"That's quite the confession, Marisa," he replied. Mrs. Coulter started to breathe quicker as she realized he must know her. "I'm familiar with your work and your situation, and I have to say that I'm glad you reached out to the Lord today. You've indeed been trying your best to do God's work, but you indeed still feel as if you are straying from His path."

Mrs. Coulter said nothing for her time to speak was over, but she couldn't help but feel a rush of curiosity and bewilderment. Most of the priests in the building were dirty, brainwashed monsters, but this one seemed to have more compassion and more sense. He seemed to understand both sides while withholding any judgment, and his kindness stirred appreciation in Mrs. Coulter's heart.

"My advice to you, my dear woman, is to follow your heart. As a mother, your heart gravitates to your child, and all mothers share the desire to protect and better their children. Being a mother is a precious gift from the Lord himself, and it is a calling to be followed and adhered to above all else."

The golden monkey started fidgeting, his mind racing, and Mrs. Coulter felt a minute bout of hope spread through her chest. It was the first of the feeling she'd felt in months, but as she knelt there before the eyes of God, her entire life on the table, she felt a strange sort of liberation and freedom that threatened to dominate her being.

Lyra was everything. She was the shining star of her life. It had taken twelve years for Mrs. Coulter to realize it, but Lyra was everything she ever wanted and everything she'd ever need. How could she have suppressed such a meaningful purpose? How could she possibly have shied away from such a strong, powerful thing?

Suddenly, it all became clear. Standing up straight, Mrs. Coulter grasped the golden monkey, her eyes bright. She listened to the priest's closing statement and accepted her assigned prayers, and she then scooped up the monkey and made her way out of the room.

For the first time in a long while, Mrs. Coulter knew exactly what to do.