4-24-20
Loss
S4,Ep3- The Wicked Day
When Merlin enters the room, Arthur is seated at the head of the table, the rage and the grief seemingly drained from him now. He looks as hollow as Merlin feels.
"I am so sorry," he tells the prince. He wants to rush to him, to hold him, but even that would feel dishonest now.
It always felt dishonest… I've just lost the energy to deny it.
"I sh-" he stammers, walking farther into the room, though no closer to Arthur. "I sh- should-"
Should have what? What can he admit to Arthur that he should have done differently?
"I wish that there was something I could have done," he states firmly.
Arthur's gaze is fixed ahead. "Merlin, no one but me is to blame for this."
"You are not to blame," Merlin assures him. "This isn't your fault."
When Arthur continues, it's clear he's already made up his mind. "I'm entirely to blame. My father spent twenty years fighting magic. To think I knew better… I was so arrogant. That arrogance cost my father his life."
Merlin's breath catches, but if he can soften Arthur's heart at all, he has to try. "You were only doing what you thought was right. I'm sure that that old sorcerer meant no harm- perhaps the spell went wrong. Uther was dying. Maybe nothing could have saved him."
He may as well have spoken a foreign tongue for all the influence his words carry.
"We'll never know," Arthur dismisses. "All I know for sure is that I've lost both my parents to magic." He meets Merlin's eyes, his voice quivering with anger lying just below his calm exterior. "It is pure evil. I'll never lose sight of that again."
The very air around Merlin seems to choke him. He's never been afraid of Arthur before until this very moment when it seems the prince can already see through him. He should know better, but he tries again, his voice deepening with stress.
"Gaius found a pendant around your father's neck. He believes it was placed there to reverse the healing spell that was used."
"What difference does it make?"
"It is possible that another sorcerer-… Morgana might have put it there, and the old man was not the one to cause your father's death."
Arthur pushes himself to his feet, beginning to pace the room. "If Morgana entered the castle, she would have killed him herself. It was him."
"Arthur, you know he had no chance to put it there."
"How would you know, Merlin?" Arthur stops before him, pained eyes glowering at his lover. "You weren't there."
Merlin's lip quivers with regret, for what he did, and what he's about to do. "But I was," he can only whisper.
He expects Arthur to mock him in the manner he often does, or to dismiss him outright. He certainly doesn't expect Arthur to put the pieces together himself. As the prince's face falls in shock, Merlin can do nothing but watch.
The first knock at the door alarms Merlin, but Arthur doesn't seem to notice until the second.
"A moment!" he shouts over his shoulder, making the wizard jump.
Arthur's chest begins to heave, and when he looks back at Merlin once more, there's no mistaking the hatred on his face.
"Please, Arthur, I did- I did everything I could," Merlin says desperately, sobs interrupting his words.
As the prince steps slowly forward, Merlin inches back, cautioned by Arthur's stance and low, gravelly voice. "I thought of all people, you were the one I could trust."
"You can-"
"You've betrayed everything this kingdom stands for. You've made a fool of me, you've- seduced me…"
"No," Merlin whimpers. "I would never do that-"
"Silence!"
Merlin's back hits the wall. Arthur presses forward, one hand grasping the front of his shirt and forming a fist, while his other hand rests on the hilt of his sword. Merlin blinks his eyes clear. The last time Arthur touched him this way was a very different occasion. His tears start fresh at the stark comparison.
"I would have abandoned my throne, my birthright, for you. How long have you lied to me?"
"I was born with magic, Arthur. It's who I am."
Arthur scoffs. "So everything- everything we've shared has been a lie."
"No. I love you, Arthur."
Arthur shoves him as he staggers back a step. "Don't," he says, a hand held up in warning as his own eyes begin to glisten.
"I can't help how I was born," Merlin pleas. "But I've used it for you, Arthur- only for you."
"Of course." Arthur's eyes grow cold again. "If I named you my successor, you could kill me and Camelot would be yours."
His voice breaks on that last word, giving Merlin hope. "You know better than to believe that."
Arthur snorts. "Clearly I don't know better. I've trusted the wrong people. Morgana… and you."
All hope disappears from Merlin's heart. "I'm not like her."
Arthur shakes his head. "You're all the same. My father spent my whole life warning me, but… it took me watching him die by your hand to learn."
The guards voices sound behind the door, answered by Gaius.
"...Does he know?"
Merlin holds his gaze. "No."
A bitter smirk crosses Arthur's face, chilling Merlin to the bone. "You're lying to me even now."
"Gaius was tasked to protect me, Arthur. Please don't punish him for that."
"Do you dare think," Arthur spits, "that you can still sway my decisions?"
There's nothing Merlin can say. It's all he can do to keep breathing.
Arthur strides across the room, pausing when he reaches his door. "I'm to go down to the great hall to mourn my father's passing." He turns, his bitterness now subdued by sorrow. "When I come out of that room, Merlin, you'd better be gone."
Merlin longs to cry out to him, to plead for forgiveness and find a way to explain himself to Arthur. All that comes out is a desperate, mumbled, "No."
"I never want to see you again." Arthur rushes out, closing the door behind himself and leaving Merlin alone.
Merlin sinks to his hands and knees, sucking air into his lungs so quickly that he grows dizzy. Arthur's last words to him echo in his head for minutes after the prince leaves the room, slowly shattering him.
Gaius tried to warn him. Deep down, he thinks he understood the danger himself. But he trusted Arthur. He trusted himself. He risked everything today, and just as quickly he lost it all.
When Arthur opens the doors at dawn, he half-expects Merlin to be waiting for him. He pushes aside his grief, both for his father and for his lover. There's no other option if he's to make it through this day.
When the crown is placed upon his head as he comes into his birthright, loneliness descends upon him like he's never known before. Agravaine takes his cloak after the ceremony, asking where his serving boy could possibly be on a day such as this. "He's gone," Arthur says, and ignores any further inquiries.
When he makes his way down to Gaius' chambers, finally in his common clothes, dusk has fallen.
"Come in," Gaius answers his knock. Arthur enters slowly, gauging Gaius' reaction to determine how much he knows.
The physician's face is blank as he bows. "My lord."
Everything, it would seem.
Arthur closes the door. "You knew." It isn't a question, and Gaius doesn't treat it as one, giving a solemn nod. Arthur narrows his eyes. "What will be the fate of Camelot if there's no one I can trust?"
"I understand how you must feel. And with the added pressure of your new responsibilities-"
"I don't need your deflection, Gaius- I had enough of that from Merlin."
"Arthur, Merlin never wanted to lie to you."
"Of course," Arthur mocks, "how unfortunate for him that breaking the laws I've been tasked to protect required him to do so."
"There's so much you don't know, Arthur. So much your father kept from you out of fear that you might sympathize with the people he turned into enemies."
"So I'm just missing something, am I?" Arthur asks, anger making his voice raise. "Would you care to enlighten me as to how that justifies Merlin's betrayal as well as your own?!"
"I would if you will listen, Sire!"
Arthur's cheeks flush red. He realizes that he's embarrassed to find that Gaius doesn't fear him as he did Uther, but is that how he wants to rule?
Gaius waves a hand to the table. They sit down facing each other, Arthur restraining himself from any further outbursts.
"You say that Merlin betrayed you, but magic should only be as feared as the sorcerer who wields it. There are those who don't use their powers for evil, Arthur."
"And where are they, then?"
"Most of them your father murdered during the Great Purge."
"He's not even cold in his grave and already you insult his memory."
"It's not my intention to insult him," Gaius says patiently. "Only to show you the truth that's been kept from you."
Arthur's eyes widen as a painful memory resurfaces. "...What Morgause showed me… was it true? Was I born of magic?"
Gaius sighs. "When your father realized that your mother could not conceive a child, he ordered me to seek out a sorcerer who could make that possible. The witch Nimueh answered the request. Your father understood that for a life to be created, another life must be taken. But he never suspected it might be your mother who paid the price."
Arthur puts his elbows on the table, holding his face in his hands.
"He claimed that Nimueh tricked him. The only thing that satiated his grief and his guilt was hunting down her kind."
"Stop," Arthur begs, overwhelmed by the truth as well as the memory of when he'd first heard it.
He would have killed his father that day. Merlin was the one to talk him out of it- the one to lie in order to protect Arthur from his own actions even though it meant sacrificing a world where he could be free.
Uther lied to him too, he knows now. But it was to save himself.
He shakes his head. "He still… he broke the law, Gaius. He knowingly set himself against me. He made us enemies. Banishment is a small price to pay for betrayal."
"Merlin is no more guilty of betraying Camelot than you are of scrutinizing the laws you enforce."
Arthur frowns. "Why do you defy me for the sake of defending him?"
Gaius' takes a gentler tone. "Because of the kingdom the legends say he will help you build."
"What are you talking about?"
"Merlin is not just any sorcerer. He is the most powerful sorcerer to ever live. Your reign, with him by your side, has been foretold since the dawn of time. The two of you are all that stand between us and the scourge that Morgana would bring upon us all."
"Why have I never been told of these prophecies?"
Gaius raises an eyebrow. "Would you have believed it?"
"I'm still not certain I do," Arthur snaps, even as the pieces come together in his mind. Merlin, always at his side, even when he's had no right to be. The miracle cures that Arthur contributed to luck or to Gaius. The faith Merlin has put in him when he didn't deserve it.
The way that being with him makes Arthur whole.
The young king's eyes still ache from tears of the previous night, and yet more threaten to fall now. Arthur accused Merlin of seducing him, but if he was under a spell, surely Arthur wouldn't have been able to send him away.
Surely that one thing at least wasn't a lie…
"I loved him. I believed he loved me too." Arthur gathers his courage to look up at Gaius.
Rather than showing surprise, the old physician answers promptly, "If there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that Merlin cares for you above all others."
Arthur frowns. "He- he told you?"
A sad smile crosses Gaius' face. "He's never said as such. It's the sacrifices I saw him make for you that revealed the truth."
Arthur thinks back to the day he and Merlin accepted their feelings for each other. He knew his father's law was wrong about that. He was ready to change the system itself for Merlin. Isn't accepting this other aspect of his lover worth the same consideration?
"I have to find him."
"Emrys."
Merlin looks up from his widdling, frowning inquisitively at Iseldir.
"The king is nearly upon us."
Panic surges through Merlin and he's on his feet in an instant. "You must flee. I'll hold them off-"
"Emrys-"
"I've brought them to you- I won't be responsible for what they would do to your people!"
"He comes alone."
Merlin tilts his head. "Why would he do that?"
"It is you he seeks. He wants to speak with you."
The anger in Arthur's eyes is all Merlin can see when he pictures him now. He clenches his jaw. "He's said everything I needed to hear."
The sight of a blackbird fleeing the forest not far off alerts him to Arthur's whereabouts.
"You must go to him."
Merlin turns to the elder druid. "Why should I?" he asks hopelessly.
"You are one side of a coin, Emrys. Though you may not see it now, you will never be complete without the other."
Merlin used to believe that, but after what passed between himself and Arthur not two days ago, he's not sure how. Whatever the king came all this way on his own for, he must think it important. It may only be the ghost of the loyalty Merlin once gave Arthur that prompts him to venture into the forest, but it's enough.
When he spots Arthur, he creeps around behind him, hoping to draw the Pendragon's attention away from the druid camp.
"How did you find me?"
Arthur spins around, a breath of relief escaping him when his eyes fall on Merlin. "Gaius told me of a group of druids you might have gone to."
Merlin shakes his head, lips pressed together. "No. I don't believe Gaius would tell you that. Unless you tricked him somehow. Or imprisoned him."
Arthur's face falls in disappointment. Did he expect Merlin to crumble at the sight of him? To be so grateful to Arthur for seeking him out that he'd forget the king's coldness?
"I haven't imprisoned Gaius."
"Really? He consorted with a known sorcerer and you suddenly decided that's no longer a crime?"
"Look, would you listen to me, Merlin?" Arthur's patience seems to be wearing, but he still speaks softly. This effort to put Merlin at ease only draws a sharper contrast to their last exchange.
"Why are you here?"
"I came to apologize."
He looks sincere enough, but Merlin frowns in defiance. "So you're not here to hunt the druids like animals?" He knows better, but his pain speaks for him.
"I have no quarrel with the druids," Arthur states.
"You've killed enough of them to make me doubt that," Merlin reminds.
Arthur bows his head. "...I've done a great many things I shouldn't have. I've followed some rules blindly, while others… rules of the heart, I've disregarded out of cowardice."
Without his consent, Merlin's anger begins to seep away. He knows Arthur speaks honestly- the Once and Future King could never convince him of a lie- even as he looks for the trap in his words.
"Before this goes any further, can you do something for me?" Arthur asks.
"What?"
He searches Merlin's eyes, taking a step closer. "I understand why you lied before. About your magic, about… your affections for me. But that's all in the open now. I'd like your word that you'll never lie to me again."
Merlin raises his chin. "What reason would I have? What have I to lose when you've already taken back everything you once gave me?"
"Merlin, I'm sorry," Arthur professes desperately. "I was overcome with guilt at my father's death and when I discovered what you'd done and I saw the chance to put that blame onto anyone else, I took it. And it wasn't fair. I shouldn't have sent you away, not now when I need you more than ever."
While the desire to comfort his lover melts the last of Merlin's anger, his misgivings have not all faded. "You told me I betrayed you."
"...I spoke in haste. Lying to keep from being executed over one man's grief… all the while remaining by my side when there could be no more dangerous place for you… What greater show of loyalty could there be?"
Despite him, Merlin's heart flutters with hope.
"I'll need that kind of loyalty in the fight against Morgana. And if what Gaius told me is true, no other ally will prove more useful than you."
"You spoke with him?"
Arthur nods.
"What did he tell you?"
"Well, he told me off for starters."
Merlin can't help but to smile, already missing his old friend.
The king's face softens in return, though his eyes still appear troubled. "He told me you were the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth. Is that true, Merlin?"
Merlin shrugs. "If the prophecies are to be believed."
A proud smile brightens Arthur's features. "Then Morgana won't stand a chance against us."
That should be enough, but Merlin still wonders… "And once we've defeated her?"
"What do you mean?"
"...What use will you have of me?"
Arthur comes close to him then, one hand slowly rising to hold Merlin's face. "I don't wish to use you anymore. I wish only to love you the way you deserve."
Merlin's hands tremble with the effort of keeping them off Arthur. He stares stubbornly into the king's eyes. "You don't believe I'm 'seducing' you?"
"You may be," Arthur remarks lightly, "but it wouldn't make much difference as I'm already in love with you."
Merlin ducks his head as his eyes fill with tears. Arthur's free hand squeezes his shoulder.
"It's time that I trusted my heart," he whispers. "Not the dogma of a man consumed by hate. I need… I want you by my side, Merlin. In times of peace as well as times of war. Decriminalizing the practice of magic will take time for the people to accept, I'm sure. But I know you'll show them what good it can do. And I'll protect you from those who refuse to see it."
Merlin blinks his tears free to meet Arthur's eyes. "I've been- I've-" His resolve crumbles and he clutches the king's wrist as more truth breaks free. "I've spent my whole life afraid, Arthur."
Arthur responds by placing a slow, firm kiss on his forehead. "You need never be afraid again."
When Merlin tries to smile he sobs with relief instead. "For years I've longed to hear you say that," he whispers hoarsely. "All I've ever wanted was for you to accept me for who I am and I was so afraid you wouldn't that I never gave you the chance."
"I understand." Arthur strokes the tears off his cheeks. "Now, I understand. Do you forgive me, Merlin?"
Merlin nods vigorously. "Of course, Arthur."
He frowns when Arthur lowers himself to his knees, taking Merlin's hands in his own. "Then- when the time is right- Merlin, will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?"
Merlin's only fear now is that his heart will burst with emotion. He sinks to his knees, face to face with everything he's ever wanted. His eyes fall shut as he leans in to capture Arthur's eager lips in a slow, determined kiss. When they finally part, Arthur catches his breath.
"Can I take that as a yes?"
Merlin's face relaxes in a warm smile. "I wasn't done answering."