Hello there, not the earliest update but hope you enjoy nevertheless. As always, feedback is adored!
Emotions are complicated things. They can make the most cowardly person a soldier and the most selfish person a humanitarian. Like a flip of a coin however, they can also bring out the nastiest, ugliest and most vile parts of humanity. This balance is one that humans have tried to perfect since the dawn of time. Still, the closer mankind seems to get, the further away from good we walk and the longer we fall. So the question is, are the good things enough to ignore the bad?
The walk back was abysmal. It had stopped raining but the wind chill made it brisk, add to the equation his soaked clothes and he was freezing his fucking balls off. As he approached the rundown apartments, Levi realised he'd never actually texted Hange, being so caught up in, well, being a dick. Shame washed through him like a tsunami, the blow no kinder than earlier. He pushed back the mess of shitty emotions to focus on the now, he'd break down later. Back on track, he reasoned that it was unlikely the med-student would be out of the hospital this early in the evening anyway.
Levi gritted his teeth against a particularly harsh wind that seemed to sweep through his soul as he gradually ascended the grimy metal stairs. Testing the handle it appeared to be as locked as he left it. He fumbled with his keys as the wind whipped his hair like an overzealous puppy while he stood shivering. His fingers had lost all sensory input. Grasping the keys in a death grip he fought with the rickety front door, after a particularly hard shove the door happily gave way, nearly sending him tumbling. Levi glared at the overgrown plank, he'd swear it was mocking him.
He slammed the door behind him and shuffled into the dingy rented flat. Flicking on the hallway light, he carefully put down his guitar case to lean against the peeling wallpaper and meticulously scraped off god knows what had decided to host a party on the bottom of his shoes. Placing them side by side next to Walace the Wilting Plant (Hange refused to get rid of it) he began to strip off his sopping wet coat. Levi didn't want to hang it with everything else so he gave up pretending like it mattered, he currently found himself incapable of caring, and just dropped it on the worn welcome mat. He promised his future's bacteriophobia that he'd wash it twice.
Still shivering from the damp clothes he reasoned why not take them all off, he didn't particularly want the extra work of mopping the floor and he was going to shower anyway. Peeling off his white collared shirt, he dropped it onto the coat, the same went for his black jeans. He briefly wondered where his brown striped cat was, no doubt napping the day away, Levi wished he could do the same. Stood in a pair of briefs, the coolness of the flat sent shudders crawling across his bare body as he rushed to the bathroom down the hall, his feet padding a soft rhythm against the wooden floor.
Once there, he flicked the switch on the wall and proceeded to lock the bathroom door, too many times he'd been walked in on by Hange because of an 'emergency'. More like "Are bottle caps recyclable and if so how do I recycle them?" Rolling his eyes in remembrance, a fond smile (which he'd deny), delicately painted his thin lips. Pushing down his last layer and placing it in the laundry basket, he stepped into the pristine tub and turned on the shower, dodging the freezing spray in a routine manner. Hesitantly testing the temperature, he was content to find it scalding and moved into the powered water that beat his body in the best kind of way.
Levi melted underneath the heat, rolling his muscles under the burning water that caressed his skin like an eager lover. It lovingly rolled over the taut tendons in his neck and shoulders, gliding down his defined back that dipped gracefully inwards in an enticing curve. Over strong arms and softened abs before slipping between his most intimate areas with adoration. In his incubation state, images from the day unwillingly glided through his mind, reminding himself of a boy with jade eyes. Gone was the tranquil mindset and the shame strong enough to wind him made itself known once more.
Levi hadn't felt guilt this heavy in a long time. He'd always hated feeling this way, and so unconsciously avoided human interaction for years out of the fear that he would disappoint or somehow wrong others, but unfortunately, the bitch that fate was it had happened anyway despite his best attempts. He didn't know what he'd do if he ever saw him again, it was unlikely but Levi liked to think he could make it up to the kid somehow. Not that he had any money himself but he could probably call in a medicine favour from Hange. Despite the wishful thinking a weary sigh escaped his lips, his breath mingling with the steam as his self-hatred mounted. Another unbidden thought appeared at the corner of his sombre mind but he squashed it before he could process it, flushed, he quickly finished his shower.
Once suds free, he turned the shower off abruptly and went to grab his towel from the railing to wrap it around his hips. It took a couple moments of grasping bare metal until he computed that the towel was not where it should be. Levi was done.
"Fucking four eyes! Screw it." Levi grabbed the hand towel to cover his modesty and stomped across the bathroom, slamming the door into the wall with a very personal aggression, he was on his way to scream into his bedsheets when he caught sight of a face peeking out from the living room, all smiles and unbothered by his undressed state. He gritted his teeth in embarrassment, was he really that distracted by his issues that he didn't hear the front door open? It's not like the squealing hinges were quiet.
"Hey Levi! I borrowed your towel this morning because Biscuit knocked over some of my homemade lotions, I think she's still sulking in your room." Rolling his eyes skyward, he tried his hardest not to snap. His emotionally exhausted default seemed to be murderous anger. Hange must have had an inkling of intuition because their smile slowly dropped, coming forward with hesitant steps but stopped at what they thought to be a safe distance away from an angry Levi.
"Don't worry, I'll make sure to handwash it three times!" They assured enthusiastically, reaching out to pat the grumpy man on the shoulder. He avoided it before contact was made and Hange's positive disposition vanished like wisps of smoke and a stony look was left in its place.
"Levi, what's wrong? Are you really that angry at me? I'm sorry but there wasn't really anything else to clean up the mess..." They trailed off and Levi knew they'd spotted the beginnings of the nasty bruise on his chin. Their caramel eyes narrowed, when they flicked their gaze back to his own it took all of his self control not to spill everything. Hange's concern was always touching, they'd been there for far worse but he couldn't bring himself to admit another stupid mistake, he'd rather deal with it on his own. All he wanted at this moment in time was a sense of normalcy to end the day, so Levi did something which he did often enough to feel bad about, he brushed them off.
"It's fine Hange, I'm fine, just tired." The doubtful look almost made him crack but he remained standing and after another moment Hange conceded with pursed lips.
"Okay then, do you want me to cook tonight? Or how about I order in pizza!" Levi's lips twitched, much preferring Hange's carefree manner. Yet he knew he wouldn't be able to stomach the thought of food, or an evening of pretending like he was fine.
"It's okay. Order something for yourself, I ate earlier." The doubt resurfaced but Hange smothered the worry, if Levi wanted to tell, he would. Shrugging, they threw a 'Suit yourself!' over their shoulder and disappeared into the living room to undoubtedly visit the adjoined kitchen for some instant noodles despite Levi's suggestion. They certainly lived like a student. Alone in the hallway, the gloomy street lights that shined through the front door's frosted window appeared to creep along the beige walls. Unnerved, Levi clutched the hand towel against him and quickly went to collect his guitar from the doorway, conscious of giving Hange an eyeful, before rushing into his bedroom as if to escape the shadows.
Shutting the door, he discarded the hand towel and grabbed a fresh pair of briefs from the clean clothes he had yet to put away, fumbling a bit to get them on as he walked the last couple of steps to his single bed, he then collapsed face first. He laid there for a long moment, just not having the energy to exist, before a small weight joined him near his pillow. Whiskers tickled his neck.
"Hey Biscuit, I heard you had a rough day too." He heard a soft meow in agreement and Levi glanced at her with tired amusement, Biscuit was demanding to be petted.
"Yeah, yeah, I need comforting too." His voice fell to a whisper at the end, his amusement deflating to leave him empty once again. He ran his thumb in a repeated motion over her head and gently scratched behind her ears. Soft purring vibrated through his fingers, relaxing Levi slightly, that was until Biscuit got bored with the attention and leapt off the bed without a goodbye.
"Spoilt cat." He grumbled as she swaggered her way to the food bowl. The bed sheets rustled gently under his body as he rolled over to take in the four drab walls covered with music scores that protected his solitude. His gaze drifted over to the tiny window next to his bed that shone a soft but ill light that illuminated his sanctuary. There was one small framed picture standing strong but alone on a cheap and sparse desk below the window. It was a tattered child's drawing of a woman with dark hair and a young boy and a girl holding the lady's hands with large smiles on all their faces.
Levi turned his face away from the past to look out the window once more. He watched the street lamps in the distance dance across the dark clouds in simple appreciation. When he was younger he wanted to be a painter. Sometimes Levi still wished he was a painter instead of a musician. He craved the ability to capture moving scenes in a frozen moment, forever timeless. Such art was the only thing he ever found truly magical. Unfortunately, opportunity was an absent figure in most of his childhood and Levi grew up with his imagination being shunned instead of nurtured. Finding that crappy guitar, fixing it and learning to play through trial and error was the best thing he'd ever done. He perfected his music theory later in life, only able to buy the books when he started making money by busking on the dirty streets of Hackney. The world is a horrible place, only kind to those who show potential to succeed. That boy had made him think of a time long past. He felt a kindred connection despite his initial hostility and he recognised the meagre second-hand clothes, cheap shopping bag and tired smile for what they were. Not that he could do anything about it, hell, he'd probably just make things worse. Like the medicine. Squeezing his eyes in frustration, he let out a self-deprecating laugh.
It was funny how being surrounded by lowlifes, thieves and all things dirty made him want to help, fix and mend the broken. Of course, with age comes cynicism and childish optimism fades into a detached outlook on life. In short, Levi had given up, and yet the boy obviously hadn't. He was still going strong, still trying, still fighting. Such youthful determination in a rotting world was awe-inspiring. The chance of seeing such strength of character again would be low, people just didn't have the willpower or inspiration to-
Levi heard a single note echo through his mind. That single note formed into two, then four, then eight. Multiplying like an organism attempting to make a life. Levi's eyes shot open. He stumbled out of bed towards his manuscript book and guitar, tripping over the towel in his haste, he grabbed onto the frail stool beside the desk to halt his tumble. His fingers grasped the feeble jar of stationary, searching for a pencil with a clawing desperation, accidentally knocking them across the desk. Heavy breaths filled the stillness of the impatient room that was slowly closing in on him. Fumbling with the lone pencil he wrote down the notes that danced through his mind with the frenzy of a man trying to hold onto the sun's light as it slips below the horizon.
Levi notated for hours, never breaking from his trance. During his semi-aware state of hysteria, a revelation came to him. Finally pausing his pencil movements, he stared at his finished scores. Wide eyes took in the music he didn't remember creating. Sharp exhales shook his soul as steel eyes flickered across the octave leaps, accented passing notes and chromaticism with reverence.
Levi had finally found his Muse.