Sweat drenched her body as she deflected a blaster bolt back towards the training droid. Ahsoka's eyes were narrowed in focus and determination. She couldn't fail. Wouldn't fail.
Not again.
She blinked back tears and swore. It had been months since she let down everyone she cared about. Since her recklessness and pride had led to the death of almost her entire squadron. The pain hadn't gone away. If anything, it had only multiplied as time went on.
A blaster-bolt to the shoulder dragged the Togruta from her troubled thoughts. The newly formed mark joined the countless others she had sustained since she starting training this morning.
Wait… morning?
She was the only one here, she realised, and the Coruscant sky was pitch black. It was night. She hadn't stopped once all day.
Good.
Ahsoka gathered herself, re-activating her lightsaber as the training drill started once more.
The minutes drifted by as she efficiently deflected bolt after bolt. She didn't like much about herself, but her determination was something she had always taken pride in. No-one had her kind of determination.
Well, maybe one other person. Her Master, Anakin.
She lost concentration as memories of yesterday's class flooded her mind. She had never been popular among the other younglings. Force, sometimes she swore Barriss was the only one who didn't outright hate her guts. Most of the time, the abuse she got from her classmates didn't bother her. She had learnt to block them out years ago.
But she couldn't hide everything behind a sarcastic comment or a quick-witted retort. She'd never let them know it, but sometimes the insults get to her.
Yesterday had been one of those days.
She and the other Padawans had been training at the very exercise she was doing now, deflecting bolts using only the force as a guide. It was a task that required the upmost focus at all times, and a task that Ahsoka was often very good at.
Yesterday, however, her focus slipped. She couldn't help it. Thoughts of the clones she had led to their death enveloped every part of her mind. She remembered the look of disappointment on Anakin's face and she suddenly had the urge to throw up.
The whirlwind of repressed emotions had led to the young Togruta having yet another anxiety attack during the training exercise. She couldn't breathe, couldn't hear. She could have sworn the walls were closing in on her.
A blaster bolt to the shoulder had abruptly shaken her back to the real world. She let out a startled cry and dropped her lightsaber to the ground.
Before she could recover, a cacophony of mocking laughs and jeers filled the room.
"Another great performance, Alien," Ahsoka recognised the boy as Luca Sarz, a bully she really couldn't be bothered dealing with at the time. "If you were training to be one of the clones you lead into suicide missions."
Of course, he had to bring that up. Ahsoka blinked back tears, determined not to let him know that what he said had gotten to her. She had to be strong.
"Ironic, you calling me an alien. I know you think you're human, but with a face like that, I'd bet my life that your mother was sleeping around with a Sarlacc," Ahsoka retorted with a snort. "Besides, at least I'm worthy of leading. The only thing you'll ever lead is the growth of Jogan fruit at an Agri-Corps facility. I've seen your test scores, a Bantha knows more about Jedi teachings, and they can spell better."
The Togruta had smiled at the shocked look on Luca's face. He turned pale for a few moments before transitioning into a deep shade of red. Even the classmates who usually joined in at hurling insults were trying to stifle laughs from her outburst.
"O… oh yeah?" Luca stuttered, desperately trying to regain some semblance of composure. "We'll see who's smiling when 'The Chosen One' sends you back. He didn't even want a Padawan, much less one as useless and pathetic as you. You couldn't even beat a training droid," not wanting to risk another Ahsoka imposed mental beatdown, the Human boy had then retreated back to his training station.
Ahsoka had mentally cursed as she picked her lightsaber up from the ground.
The reason it hurt her so much was that she knew he was right. All her life, she had never felt good enough for anything, and she certainly didn't feel worthy of being Anakin's Padawan. Everything about her master screamed confidence, certainty and strength. It was a stark contrast to how she viewed herself.
She wasn't stupid, she knew he never wanted a Padawan. For the first few days after she was assigned to him, all the clones seemed to talk about was how Anakin had always refused to train a Padawan because he thought it would slow him down.
She realised now that maybe he was right.
Even if he would just send her back to the temple soon, she owed it to him to give her training everything she had. He was the first person to ever give her an opportunity at being something more than she was. That alone was the reason that she pushed herself to breaking point each day.
She may never be good enough to make him proud, but that certainly wouldn't stop her from trying.
It was these series of thoughts that had led her to where she was now, beginning her twelfth consecutive hour of deflecting blaster bolts without so much as a break to drink.
Never again would she lose to a training droid.
Her body was starting to shut down, she could feel it. Bolts peppered her skin left and right with increasing frequency, each one leaving its own little burn mark that symbolised her failure.
The marks made her angry. She hated them, hated herself or letting them get there.
Not even a minute after restarting the training droid, she felt another bolt sting her. She growled and clenched her teeth.
Another restart, another bolt scorching her orange skin. A string of curses in Togruti escaped Ahsoka's mouth.
She tried to remain calm and remember her teachings of peace, but when she felt three stings hit her in quick succession, her rage boiled over.
Ahsoka's Togruta instincts took over and she let out a tribal roar, pouncing at the training droid that had tormented her. She slammed it into the ground and hurled adrenaline-fueled slashes and punches at what was now a pile of broken parts.
Anger not yet sated, she turned her attention to the wall. Her fists hit the cold, hard metal until her knuckles began to bruise and crack. Tears streamed down her face.
"Failure."
"Useless Alien."
"You will never be good enough to be Skywalker's Padawan."
Her cries meshed together with a blood-curdling scream of anguish as she wound her hand back, ready to punch the metal with enough force to break half the bones in her arm.
Ahsoka's fist never made contact with the wall. Only something soft, yet firm at the same time.
She looked down at the gloved hand that had captured her own, her anger rapidly being washed away by shame. A second gloved hand gently held her orange one, taking extreme caution to examine the damage without causing her any more pain.
"Oh Ahsoka,"Anakin whispered, and the Togruta melted into him the moment her name left his lips.
Anakin's arms wrapped around her without a second of hesitation and it caused the guilt she felt to spike again. She didn't deserve his care, and she certainly didn't want his pity. She wanted to prove to him that she was strong and capable, two things that she certainly didn't feel right now.
This was just another one of her failures.
Her anger returned in full-force at the thought. She pulled out of her master's embrace and levelled a fiery glare at him.
"WHY!" She screamed. "WHY am I still here? WHY haven't you sent me away? We both know you never wanted me in the first place! I try so, so hard and it's never enough! Not for the clones, not for the council and certainly not for you! You're going to send me back anyway, even the other Padawan's can see it so just hurry up and get it over with! The longer you wait, the more mistakes I make, the more people I get hurt and, in your own words, the more I 'slow you down!' Hurry up and tell me how much you hate me, just like everyone else. Tell me you wish I was dead and that I'm a disgrace to everything the Jedi stand for, just like everyone else does because it's all true! YOU HEAR ME! YOU WIN, YOU ALL FINALLY WIN!" In an instant, the Togruta's anger morphed into pure sorrow, and it broke Anakin's heart. "I finally hate me too. Just like everyone else."
Ahsoka collapsed to her knees, eyes downcast and weeping. She was exhausted. It was all too much.
A hand gently caressed her cheek, brushing away a series of stray tears. The hand worked it's way under her chin and gently lifted her head to meet Anakin's eyes. She looked into the blue orbs that usually seemed so clouded. Her breath hitched at what she saw.
She saw Anakin shedding tears of his own. No… that couldn't be right, he was 'The Hero With No Fear.'
He didn't cry, he couldn't. But... no, they were definitely tears.
As if that wasn't enough, she also saw an expression of pure understanding. She knew instantly that her master had suffered just as she was now. He knew how it felt to never be good enough no matter how hard he tried.
She wasn't alone after all.
Anakin ran a hand through his hair. He had never felt like more a failure than he did right now. He could see so much of his own pain in his Padawan and it killed him inside.
Ahsoka once again fell into his embrace. "Why am I never good enough?" Her question came out muffled by tears and Anakin's shirt, but he understood her all the same.
It was a question Anakin asked himself all the time, and he swore to himself then that he'd die before he put his own Padawan through the same torment Obi-Wan had made him endure in an effort to teach him to control his emotions.
Anakin took a deep breath. Sharing his emotions wasn't easy for him but he'd do it every day for the rest of his life if it stopped his Padawan from suffering as he did.
"I'm proud of you, Ahsoka," Anakin started. "You are more than good enough. I'm glad you became my Padawan."
Anakin used only simple words and sentences, but it was for good reason.
He wasn't speaking to Ahsoka in Basic.
He was speaking to her in Togruti, her native language.
The Togruta jerked her head back from where it had been buried in Anakin's shirt. She looked at him with an expression of pure shock and awe. "How… did you just…"
Anakin fixed her with a comforting smile. "Well, I figured since you're gonna be my Padawan for many, many years, the least I could do is learn about you and your people. So now I'm learning to speak Togruti," his tone was sincere. He meant every word he said. "It also means I now know when you swear at me in different languages Snips," he joked.
Ahsoka's smile was bright enough to light the darkest caves in the galaxy, a stark contrast to the expression she wore a mere moment ago.
Anakin decided he liked this expression infinitely better.
For the first time in her life, Ahsoka felt like she truly belonged. She was Anakin's Padawan, and he was actually proud of her.
The Togruta realised quickly that she would never be able to express her gratitude to Anakin in words, so the force screamed at her to try something else.
Ahsoka calmed her mind and allowed the force to take over her actions. She closed her eyes, pressed her forehead against Anakin's, and focused. She expected to be confused, or unsure of what she had to do, but something was guiding her through it all.
Through the force, Ahsoka began to forge a path to Anakin's signature. Anakin caught on quickly to what was unfolding and he joined in on his Padawan's meditation.
They built a path to one another in their mind, and when their signatures met, the force exploded into life.
What was once two distinct signatures in the force meshed into one, an unbreakable bond had been formed.
Ahsoka wasted no time in flooding this bond with everything she had wanted to express to her master moments ago, and Anakin reassured her, more than he ever could with words, that everything he told her was the truth.
Once they both calmed down, Anakin let out a laugh. Ahsoka noticed that the sound was lighter than usual. "You know," he began. "It took Obi-Wan and me seven years to develop a force bond that wasn't even half as strong as that."
A sense of competitive pride coursed through Ahsoka. "Maybe I was meant to be your Padawan after all," the Togruta grinned, feeling more confident than ever.
Anakin rested his flesh hand on her shoulder.
"You'll always be my Padawan."