"Emma swan" the blond doctor called.
Yeah, that's me, Emma Swan, age 30 and here to see a psychologist for something I should have figured out ages ago, but I didn't, I'm just oblivious swan, I wonder if anyone ever gave me that nickname? I am really oblivious but then again I probably never paid attention to myself, always trying to please other's and fit into who they want me to be, never mind, I guess thats why I'm here.
Emma stood up and nervously started walking to the doctor who she know see on the name tag is doctor Kathryn Nolan.
I wonder if she had to have first and last name, on grey's they went by last name but then again that's a show and they are surgeons, well actors who plays surgeons….
"Hi, I'm Emma" Emma greeted nervously once she reached the doctor.
Kathryn just smiles reassuringly, " hi, I'm doctor Kathryn Nolan but you could call me Kathryn" she said holding her hand out to be shaked.
Emma reached her hand out and grabbed on to Kathryn's to shake, she is still nervous but feels a bit better know that that's out of the way.
"Now I know you are nervous and it's understandable" Kathryn starts as she starts walking to her office with Emma following, " and I want you to know that you are not the only one who feels the way you do, now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I know how you feel but I do deal with these things and there is no judgement here and I want you to feel safe here to express yourself" Kathryn said, she never really give speeches like this but she felt Emma needed it.
"Thank you"Emma said as they entered the office.
"No problem, you can set anywhere, just get comfortable, it's easier to talk when your comfortable" the doctor said.
Emma stood there looking around and found a purple chair that looks comfortable and big enough to lift her feet under her thighs like she always sets, in the corner so she went over there and put her hand on the back of it then gave the doctor a questionable look which the doctor nodded with a smile, Emma smiled back and dragged the chair closer to Kathryn.
They sat in silence for a while after they were seated and Kathryn told her to begin when she is ready.
"Soooo, um, I don't think I'm a boy or a boy in a girls body, I know I am and was supposed to be a girl but…." Emma took a deep breath, "I feel like I should have been born with a penis" she said in a rush.
Kathryn nods and gives her a proud smile, "that's good, great, you just took a big step in admitting this, how does it feel now that you have?"
"Really good and also scared" Emma admitted.
Kathryn leaned forward to regard Emma, "and what are you scared of?"
Emma sighed and adjusted herself on the chair, she can't believe she is talking about this, she hasn't said anything to anyone since she was little and that was a mistake.
"I don't know why I needed to talk to anyone, I'm just some crazy girl who doesn't fit in any group or stereotype, I'm just a big messed up crazy person who thinks she should of had a penis, some reject from a reject sperm," Emma ranted while fiddling with her fingers and looking to the floor.
Emma never had anyone to talk to, she moved around a lot and never had anyone who cared enough to listen to her and she lived with people that just thought all here feelings didn't matter so she kept things bottled up until she had someone's full attention apparently.
Kathryn took on a serious face, "Emma, there is No one in this world that fits in a box and if you see that then it's a lie, their are judgemental, selfish, hurtful scrums in this world and it seems you might have grown up with some but let me tell you, you are not crazy, messed up or a reject, you have a right to feel how you feel, you have the right to feel comfortable in your own skin and Emma you have the right to be love and that starts with you loving yourself" Kathryn said staring Emma in her teary eyes.
Emma nodded, she can't speak right now do to the lump in her throat, she reach twitch her sleeve covered hand and wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Before you go today I want to give you a list of things I want you to practice, don't worry, this is a process so I'm not gonna overwhelm you with a huge list, you think you would be up to it?Kathryn asked, wanting it to be Emma's decision.
Emma nodded, "I can try" she answered in a horse voice.
Kathryn beamed at her, "great, I'll get you that list.
Yup, broke down at my first appointment, also yes I feel like I should have a penis and if you didn't catch on, yes I am a foster child or I was until I aged out, the list, well it's foreign to me, love myself, yeah that might be a lot of work.
The list
1)Pick out stuff about you that is interesting or the best part of you and focus on that
2)Look in the mirror telling yourself your beautiful and strong
3)Buy some man briefs and wear them often and if you are comfortable get a strap on to wear for a day.
Hmm interesting, I don't know how to feel about this, someone is actually taking what I say seriously.
Emma is sitting on her couch with the list in her hand thinking about her next move, suddenly she gets up, grabbed her coat and keys and out the door she goes heading to a clothing store, she made her choice to follow the list.
To be continued…...