This is the first fic I've ever uploaded anywhere, so before we begin I just wanted to say hi! It's a lot scarier than I'd imagined it would be, but from what I've seen everyone in the Thunderbirds fandom is really lovely and that definitely helps.

So, yeah. Hi, and I hope you enjoy! xxx

xxxxx

After their mother died, their father told the younger ones that she had gone to live among the stars. It was a phrase that the older ones liked so much that they adopted it themselves. When John was still a teenager, he thought their father used the idea to feel closer to their mother. As a former astronaut, he'd lived among the stars – to put his wife up there just seemed so… perfect. It wasn't until years later, when John became an astronaut himself, that he really understood.

Nobody mentions it in training. Why would they? Who would believe them? Even when you actually get up there nobody tells you. It's not until you see it for yourself, experience it first hand, that you get let in on the secret. The secret that all astronauts take to their graves.

The first time John experienced it was on a spacewalk.

Three days into his very first stay on the World Space Station, there was maintenance work to be done on some of the wiring outside. John and the captain of the station – Grace Chaka – went together; partly because the first rule of spacewalks is don't go alone, and partly because John needed to follow someone with more experience for his first time. They were just finishing off when the hairs on the back of John's neck stood up. Just as he went to look around, a wave of cold washed over him, like he'd never felt before. It was as if a shard of ice had been thrust into his heart and icy tendrils were curling out from it, reaching for every part of his body.

Chaka hurried him back through the airlock, but that was as far as he got before he collapsed in a shuddering wreck. He was so cold. Another friend of John's from training, Danny, was summoned to help him out of his suit and get him bundled up in a blanket. Throughout the whole process – which was exacerbated by John's numb fingers and violent shivers – Danny was strangely quiet. When John had recovered enough to notice, a long, hard look showed him that his friend was positively green. John asked if he was okay and received a slow shake of the head in reply. That's when Chaka filled him in.

The cold feeling he'd experience was the result of someone else's soul passing through his body. Because it doesn't belong there, the incident sends the body into a kind of shock. Deep down, John knew that made sense. He had, during the incident, thought he'd seen something light and shimmering before the shock really took hold. But the logical part of his brain – the part he trusted most – told him it wasn't possible. It was hard to listen to the logical part of his brain when his eyes were telling him something else. Because for all his brain was telling him it wasn't true, his eyes were showing him that there really was the ghost of a little girl sitting in their kitchen area.

She couldn't have been older than six. Her hair hung in pigtails either side of her face and she constantly had her thumb lodged in her mouth. Sanchez was chatting away with her about the latest Disney movie. The most interesting part of it all, as far as John could see, was that the little girl didn't seem at all scared.

'Does she know?' John whispered to Chaka. 'Does she know she's dead?'

Chaka shook her head. 'Technically speaking, she's not.'

'Then what is she?' Danny asked.

'A lost soul,' Chaka said. 'Geostationary orbit is a prime location for those caught between life and death. From here, they either choose to go back, or go on.'

John frowned. 'Are you saying death is a choice?'

'For some. It depends on the circumstance.'

'But who chooses to… 'go on'?' Danny asked. 'Who chooses to die instead of going back?'

'Many people. Some feel they have nothing to go back for, some feel it is simply their time. For others, it is just too painful to go back.'

That was something that John didn't understand for the longest time. He saw it time and again – people who wanted to go back, who had families they loved and cherished, but they couldn't do it because it hurt too much. He just didn't get it. He knew that if he were in that position, he'd suffer any amount of pain to get back to his family. He wouldn't put them through that kind of grief when it could be prevented.

During his years on the WSS, John encountered lots of lost souls. It was harrowing, to say the least. What got to him most – more than the shock of the cold when they went through you, more than the knowing what they were – was the attitude they, the crew of the WSS, were expected to adopt. It was the first thing he asked his father about when he got home the first time, after the kids were in bed.

'I guess it's like being a wildlife photographer,' Jeff said. 'You're there to observe, not intervene. And, to be honest, it's not your choice to make.'

'But even when they ask for advice? When they ask what you would do in their place?'

'It's not something you can advise them on. It's not something you've experienced.'

'But I've experienced loss,' John said. 'I know what it's like for their families. How can I just sit by and do nothing? Say nothing?'

His father didn't have an answer for him. No one did.

xxxxx

He kind of knew what was going to happen before it did. He'd developed a sixth sense for it over the years. It had always fascinated him – how the people whose calls he was responding would always end up aboard Five instead of any of the other ships in orbit. It was like the souls were reaching out for him in death as they had in life. But he'd always remained impartial; always tell them they had to figure it out for themselves, that he wasn't allowed to intervene. That is, until it happened to Gordon.

'Gordon, you've activated your emergency code… Gordon? Gordon!'

And he knew. He just knew. After shooting off a quick message to Scott and the others – 'Gordon's down. Mobilise, now.' – he gave Eos the task of rerouting all emergency calls. As far as his family was concerned, he'd be descending from orbit as soon as he was able. But for the moment, he was situated in the kitchen, waiting.

In he waltzed, all wide eyes and confused smiles. 'Hey there, Johnny.'

'Hey, Gordon,' he murmured.

It hurt. It hurt a hell of a lot more than he thought it would. Because, of course, he'd always known it might happen to one of them, but so far they'd had nothing but incredible luck. Maybe he'd gotten complacent, or maybe it was just always going to hurt like this. Like a big black hole had opened up inside him and was threatening to swallow him whole. He smiled through it, because he knew that's what his brother would appreciate the most.

Getting Gordon to believe what was happening to him wasn't as difficult as John had expected. Apparently he'd seen the same kind of thing aboard W.A.S.P. research stations and submarines. What was throwing him though was that he'd expected to know if it happened to him. Expected to realise that his soul had literally left his body; but the thought hadn't even crossed his mind when he found himself on Five. He hadn't even questioned it.

Convincing him to go back was one of the hardest things John had ever done.

'Can't I just… stay here?'

That had shocked John more than anything because Gordon had a zest for life that he hadn't ever seen in anyone else. And the idea that Gordon might not go back shook him to the core. Yes, International Rescue could adapt to function without any one of them, but it wouldn't be the same. Gordon was, in many ways, the beating heart of the organisation. And more to the point –

'Are you really going to do that to us?'

'Do what?' Gordon asked.

'Leave us,' John said. 'After… after Mom? After Dad? Are you really going to force this family to grieve for someone else?'

'People die every day! Most don't get a choice. How is this any different?'

'Because you do have a choice!' John was standing now, shouting. 'And you're choosing to do something that's going to hurt the people you love!'

'But it hurts, John!' Gordon screamed.

Why it suddenly made sense to him now that it was his own brother going through it he wasn't sure. But somehow, it just did, and there was little else that John could do but take Gordon in his arms and pull him down to the floor. He ignored the icy bullets that shot through him as he kissed his brother's hair, murmuring reassurances to him. After a while, he pulled back, holding Gordon at arm's length.

'I can't make this choice for you,' John whispered. His throat was tightening, fighting against the words, but he needed to make sure Gordon knew. No matter what he chose. 'I want to. I want to drag you back down to Earth myself – preferably by the ear – and force your soul back into your body. But it's not my choice.'

'I don't know what to do,' Gordon said. 'I – I want to go back, but it just… hurts so much.'

'I love you – we all love you. No matter what you decide, that won't change. Whether you're here or not, you're my little brother and nothing can take that away. Not even death.'

'It hurts, John. It hurts. It hurts.' He was sobbing, rocking himself back and forth.

John sighed. 'You already know, don't you? You already know what you want to do, but you're scared. And that's okay, Gordy. It's okay to be scared.'

Gordon looked at him, bleary eyed, clearly exhausted.

'It's gonna get worse before it gets better, but you're one of the strongest people I know. You can do this.'

Shivering, Gordon leaned forward, pressing his forehead into John's shoulder. After a long moment, he nodded. 'Okay. How do I do it?'

'I have no idea.' John laughed. 'I guess you'll have to let me know when you figure it out.'

'I guess,' Gordon replied. 'See you… see you later then?'

John kissed him on the cheek. 'See you later.'

xxxxx

It was a long time before Gordon got better. But he did. That was what changed everything for John. And when Alan finally had his first experience, he passed on what he knew. What he believed.

'But' – Alan frowned – 'it's not our choice, is it? We're not gods.'

'No,' said John, 'but we're not choosing for them. We're just giving them a reason to stay. What they do with that is still up to them.'

'So… what changed your mind?'

There was no way John was going to tell him about Gordon. That was – and always would be – between them.

'I just… I realised that we're International Rescue. We can't save everyone, but… well, we can sure as hell try. This is just an extension of that. It's part of what we do.'

'We respond to the S.O.S.,' Alan said, nodding.

'Exactly,' said John. 'We help save their souls.'