Summary: Team Flash and the rest of Barry's life is pretty much a mess right now... and he never expected Hartley Rathaway to be the one who'd help him pull it all back together again.
Notes: Things sound more dire with Joe and Caitlin at first because Barry's projecting his own feelings and fears onto them 'cause his communication skills are suffering. Part of this is Barry needing to start forgiving himself before he can start opening up to people again - and Hartley helps a lot with that, just by offering friendship and support.
Shoring up the Cracks
Barry's exhausted. He hasn't slept enough in the last week. He hasn't eaten enough today, though at least that is in the process of being remedied as he stands in line at Jitters for coffee and snacks. He's over stressed from spending over half the morning arguing with the new CSI - Julian Albert, who isn't even supposed to be sharing Barry's lab space. And it's only two-thirty. Barry needs this coffee break or he's probably going to snap at Cisco when he inevitably has to go out as the Flash this evening.
He's already on thin ice with Cisco over Flashpoint and Dante. He can't afford to make things worse. Caitlin's made it clear which side she's on if they fight again.
It's not Barry's.
And of course because Barry needs his break to be relaxing, he runs right into someone as he's coming in the door. Barry manages to keep the other guy's coffee from going everywhere without using his speed (noticeably anyway) and they both just sort of reach out to steady each other.
"I'm so sorry," Barry apologized.
"It's fine. I wasn't paying enough attention so..." he trailed off and they stared at each other for a long moment before a blush tinged Hartley's face and he took a step back, dropping his hand away from Barry's shoulder. "Hi Barry."
"Hartley. Hi." Barry swallowed nervously, letting his own hands drop away too. "How've you been?" He'd gotten along with Hartley pretty well the last time they'd interacted - Hartley'd even saved Barry's life. But that wasn't this timeline, so... were they even friendly here?
"Pretty good, actually. Just got promoted at work." Hartley's smile is reassuringly friendly indeed. "I was going to take my coffee back to work, but if you've got time to talk I can grab a table while you order. We could catch up some?"
"I'd like that," Barry replied, feeling something in his chest unwind. He's pretty sure the expression on his own face looks like a poor imitation of a smile, but hopefully Hartley won't take it personally. Barry just doesn't have the energy for anything else right now.
Barry gets in line - thankfully short - and orders an extra-large Flash with several pastries. The caffeine won't actually help Barry out any since, much like alcohol, he metabolizes it too fast to enjoy any of its effects. But he likes the taste and there's something kind of fun about drinking something named after himself. Once he has his order, Barry joins Hartley at the table he grabbed.
"So, promotion," Barry blurted out. "Congratulations. You're still at Mercury, right?"
"Yup. And I'm now running the sonics division," Hartley said with a grin.
"Appropriate," Barry said finally feeling something approaching a real smile stretch across his face. He took a drink of his Flash and a bite of his first pastry - a strawberry danish. "If you develop a sonic screwdriver, do you think I could talk Dr. McGee into letting me have one?"
"She does have a soft spot for you," Hartley hedged, spinning his cup against the table idly. "Sadly I'm not currently working on anything remotely like a sonic screwdriver. Though it is definitely a project near and dear to my heart. One day..." he trailed off leadingly. "Maybe."
Barry chuckled softly.
"So how've you been?"
"New coworker at the station. Captain Singh brought in a new CSI who recently got his PhD with a dissertation on metahumans as related to forensic studies. His thesis actually references my work. So it's absolutely bewildering that he acts like his PhD trumps my two-plus years of experience all because my highest degree is a Masters." Barry heaved a sigh. "At least I assume that's why he's treating me like a clueless idiot. He was supposed to join the offsite CSIs after two weeks shadowing me, but it turns out the lab space he was promised got flooded by a burst pipe. So I'm now stuck with him for at least another month, if not more."
Hartley scrunched up his nose, his expression sympathetic. "That sucks. Considering I was the asshole coworker, I bet Cisco's already made the comparison?"
Barry looked away, his appetite disappearing. Though he finished off the danish anyway.
"Something wrong with Cisco?"
"I kind of screwed up," Barry admitted quietly. "He's not really... talking to me lately. Not unless its... well..." he waved his coffee. "STAR Labs related. Irritating coworker at the station doesn't really count."
"Cisco really does know how to hold a grudge," Hartley mused. "Sorry, that probably isn't helping."
"Not really. Any tips on how to get off his shit list?"
Hartley shrugged. "He tolerates me now, but I'm not sure I really ever got off the shit list. And if I did, it was down to pity and I do not recommend that route."
"Yeah." Barry started on his second pastry - a chocolate, cranberry donut - and fished around for something to change the subject to. Were Hartley's parents a safe subject? Time to find out. "How are things going with your parents?"
"Surprisingly well," Hartley replied. "I mean... I'm still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it's nice getting to see them and talk with them again. And... they've really been trying to do better by me. So I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt."
"I'm glad for you." In a way, Barry knew what it was like to get his parents back after years of being apart. But he'd lost his because of death and bad circumstances, not through bigotry and hatred. So it wasn't the sort of comparison he'd ever voice out loud. Especially since his parents were dead again.
But those years they had together never existed. And Barry hadn't been their son. Not really. Not in the way that mattered. If he had been... then they'd still be alive, wouldn't they? Or was he just... that awful a son?
"Hey." Hartley reached over and took Barry's hand in his, squeezing gently as a look of pure concern appeared on his face. "You're really not okay, are you?"
"I haven't... I haven't really been handling my dad's death very well," he admitted, wanting to hang on to Hartley's hand like a life line. He wasn't really handling how things ended with Zoom well either.
Hartley fished out his cell phone one handed and, a touch awkwardly, sent a text. Barry's own phone vibrated against his butt. "There. You've got my address now. Come over after work. We can hang out, have dinner, and maybe play some Smash Bros or Mario Kart? Maybe you'll be able to actually relax for a change."
"Thanks, Hartley." Barry squeezed Hartley's hand lightly in return and then reclaimed his hand so he could finish off his last pastry and the rest of his coffee. "I've got to head back now, but I'll give you a call when I get off work tonight."
"I hope the rest of your afternoon goes better," Hartley offered.
"Me too."
Team Flash's internal politics really aren't any of Hartley's business. They had offered him a place at STAR Labs after the whole thing with Harrison being Eobard Thawne and the Reverse Flash finally came to a conclusion, but there were too many bad memories and the work hours were shit. Hartley didn't want to be on call twenty-four-seven. Not to mention the unspoken expectation that he'd keep being the Pied Piper if he stayed.
So while sometimes they'd call on him for a consultation, Hartley had placed himself firmly outside of STAR Labs day to day routine and thus far removed from their team dynamics. But he was a citizen of the city that Team worked to protect and one of the few in the know about Barry's secret identity. So he was very concerned about what he'd seen and heard from Barry that afternoon.
Barry looked like he was nearing the end of his rope. Exhausted and maybe a little touch starved too. Probably not eating well because stress and depression both tended to suppress a person's appetite. Less noticeable with a speedster, no doubt, but still a problem.
Caitlin should have noticed. That she hasn't is concerning, but preferable to the possibility that she had noticed and chosen to do nothing. Barry's her friend, yes, but he's also her patient. If she can't be his friend and remain professional than she shouldn't be his doctor, though it's not like they've got any other choice available at the moment. But Caitlin's known Cisco longer than Barry and if she's decided to play favorites in Cisco's ongoing spat with Barry... Cisco will win with her. Every single time.
Which means Barry needs someone in his corner. And apparently his family - the Wests - aren't filling that need. That was why Hartley'd asked Barry to join him for dinner and video games that evening. Since no one else was in Barry's corner, Hartley might as well take up residence there.
Still, Hartley can't help but wonder just how Barry 'screwed up' enough to put his friendship with Mr. Hufflepuff on the rocks. (Seriously, though, Cisco was a textbook Hufflepuff if ever there was one.)
Well, either Barry will tell him or not.
Barry arrives at Hartley's around seven and they decide on a pizza order. The guy who takes the order when Hartley calls up the shop probably thinks he's having a party, but Hartley's just trying to feed a speedster. And maybe ordering a pizza or two more than Barry said was necessary. Just in case.
"So the pizza should be here in half an hour," Hartley said, wandering over to the tv to turn it - and the Nintendo Wii-U - on. "Which would you prefer? Brawl or kart racing?" He turned to Barry, only to find the other man already asleep on the couch. "Hyrule Warriors it is, then," Hartley murmured, turning the TV back off. He could play Warriors on the Wii-U tablet with the sound down low.
Grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch, Hartley draped it over Barry and murmured, "I'll wake you up when the food gets here." Then he settled in his comfy chair with his game.
The sound of footsteps outside his apartment had Hartley up out of his chair with the tip money in hand before the doorbell could even ring. Though it did still ring, right as Hartley's hand was about to touch the doorknob. He could hear Barry startle awake from the noise as he opened the door and swapped the tip for the pizza boxes. "Hey, Barry, give me a hand with these?" he called.
"Uh... yeah." Barry shoved off the blanket and joined Hartley at the front door to bring in half the pizza boxes. "Sorry I fell asleep," he apologized once the door was shut and locked again.
"You looked like you needed it," Hartley replied nonchalantly. "Don't worry about it. Gave me some more time to work on leveling up Link in Hyrule Warriors."
Barry yawned, trying to hide it behind the boxes he was setting down on the counter. "I don't think I've actually seen that game yet. Mind if I just watch you play that instead of one of the Mario games?"
"I don't mind," Hartley confirmed, suspecting Barry'd just fall asleep again after the pizza was finished. He put the game up on the TV screen while they ate, though, and started the story mode over from the start to give Barry an idea of what the game's plot looked like.
Hartley ended up being proven right on two counts. Barry ate all the pizza that Hartley didn't - including the two extra that Barry hadn't realized Hartley'd ordered - and then fallen asleep again to the sight of Hartley utterly wrecking hordes of bokoblins. Hartley just slipped the blanket over Barry again and waited until about nine to wake Barry back up.
"If you want, you can just stay the night on my couch," Hartley offered.
But Barry shook his head. "I've got work in the morning. I should go. Sorry I was such awful company."
"Not so awful." Hartley smirked teasingly. "Not every day I get to have a handsome man sleep on my couch." Barry really did blush a quite becoming shade of red. "We'll have to try again some time when you're not quite so sleepy."
"I'd like that," Barry replied, still blushing.
The next time Barry shows up at Hartley's apartment, he does not fall asleep on the couch. They race karts and teasingly trash talk one another's favorite racing character. (Barry is completely unashamed to play as Princess Peach; her acceleration and drift stats play to Barry's strengths as a racer. Hartley plays as Link because he's pretty, though Hartley mentioned that when playing other versions the game he'd usually pick Yoshi.)
It's fun and relaxing and Barry wants to throw his phone out the window when it all comes to a screeching halt over a meta alert.
"Give me a call when you're done," Hartley insists.
"It might be late. I don't want to ruin your sleep." Barry does a quick mental inventory of his backpack. He had the spare suit with him and Hartley probably wouldn't mind him using the bathroom to change before speeding away. He could drop his stuff off in the STAR Labs locker room and pick it back up later before heading home...
"I don't care if its late, Barry. I just want to know that, whatever you're up against tonight, you come back from it safe. Okay?"
There's a lump in Barry's throat and he has to swallow once or twice before he can talk. "Uh, yeah. Sure." When was the last time anyone asked him to check in after running around as the Flash? Just so they knew he was okay...
"I should... I should go. Mind if I change in your bathroom?"
"It's all yours," Hartley replied.
Hartley tries not to read too much into how touched Barry is by his request for a phone call. He also tries not to think about the few seconds - or milliseconds more likely - that Barry Allen was naked in his bathroom. (Lucky bathroom mirror, getting to reflect what Hartley didn't get to see.)
But Barry does call, around eleven-thirty, cheerfully reporting that he'd fought a Man-Bat - not to be confused with the rumored Batman of Gotham City - and was perfectly fine. "A few scrapes and bruises that have already healed and a tear on the suit that Cisco's still complaining about, but I'm fine."
"Good to hear," Hartley replied, closing his eyes and relaxing. "Better a torn suit than an injured Speedster," he added absently. Then, on a whim, he asked, "do you want to meet up for lunch tomorrow?"
"Sure."
Hartley's stomach did a little flippy thing and... oh. Oh. He liked Barry. He was getting too invested, developing a crush. Barry was still hung up on Iris, as far as Hartley knew anyway. And Iris was engaged to Eddie Thawne.
It wasn't a love triangle that Hartley wanted to add an extra corner onto. He really, really didn't. He just... wasn't sure he had much of a choice anymore.
Barry doesn't want to tell Hartley about Flashpoint. What he did was selfish and awful and he doesn't... he doesn't want to lose another friend.
It's not just his friendships its cost him either. He thinks maybe Joe's a little offended... upset that he wasn't enough of a father to Barry that he'd needed to go alter the past to where they'd never been family at all. And with Wally busy with college and Iris living with Eddie, there's no buffer for the awkward silences that permeate Joe's house. Barry's started looking for a new apartment, but part of him doesn't want to leave.
A big part of him, in fact.
What Barry wants is to cry over losing his parents again and for Joe to hold him and tell him it'll be alright. He wants to tell Joe that he's always going to be Barry's dad too. That even when he couldn't remember raising Barry... Barry was still Joe West's kid in every way that counted.
But he's afraid to say anything. Afraid to find out that maybe Joe doesn't really want him anymore either.
His friendship with Hartley has become the one good thing he can depend on and he's terrified of losing that.
The problem is that Barry needs to talk to someone about this mess he's made and... Hartley's kind of the only person available.
Barry's got all of this running through his head at work while he's finishing up his paperwork for the day when Singh shows up at the doorway to his lab - still just his lab because eventually Julian Albert will just... go away - and asks to talk to Barry for a few minutes in his office. And Barry, for the life of him, cannot figure out what he's screwed up now. Because why else would Captain Singh be personally calling Barry to his office.
(Being afraid of being called into the Principal's office as a child has clearly followed him into adulthood. Logically Barry knows its an aspect of his ADHD, but its definitely also a facet of public school trauma too. And one day public school trauma is going to get the acknowledgement it deserves.)
"You, um..." Barry began, shutting the door behind him, "you wanted to talk?"
"About a few things." Singh's tone is relaxed, not upset, and Barry settles into the visitor's chair with relief. "First, I wanted to thank you for being patient about the situation with Dr. Albert's lab. They've finally rectified both the plumbing and mold problems, so everything should be drywalled and painted soon. I expect it'll still be two more weeks before he gets moved into the new space, however. I know the two of you haven't exactly... found common ground."
That's an understatement. "This is his first job as a forensic scientist," Barry finally said. "I really don't appreciate the fact that he treats me like I'm the amateur here. He's good at the work and he'll be an asset on any case he's assigned to, but his personality is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. He thinks he's the smartest person in the room every time he walks into a room and it doesn't matter if he's right or not, because..."
"Because his attitude is bound to get him into trouble," the Captain filled in agreeably. "You're right. And you're not the first person to make complaints about him along those lines. I was hoping the extra time around you might help mellow him out, but... it wasn't very good timing. You never did take bereavement leave, Barry."
Barry thought he'd have been able to hear a pin drop in that office, they both went so very quiet.
"Have you talked to anyone about what happened to your father?" Singh eventually pressed.
"Considering the last time I was in therapy, I went through a string of therapists who tried to convince I'd made up the man in the lightning and that I'd really seen my father murder my mother... I really don't think I'd be able to trust a therapist enough to be able to get anything useful out of talking to a professional and..." and he didn't want to burden anyone else with how he felt about what happened with his father and with Zoom.
"You've been increasingly stressed lately, you don't look like you've been sleeping enough, and you've been eating less," Singh said and... in order to notice Barry wasn't eating as much as he used to, he had to have first noticed that Barry was eating more than the average person. Another point in the 'Captain Singh totally knows' column.
Not that Cisco would care anymore if Barry shared this conversation with him later.
"It might help to talk to someone, anyone, whether they're a professional or just a friend who cares about you. My door is always open to you too, Barry." The Captain took a deep breath and then forged forward. "But I think it would do you some good to take some time off. Hiring Dr. Albert was meant to take some of that stress away from you and I'm sorry it's had the opposite effect. I know work isn't the only source of stress for you right now, but it's the one most easily taken off your plate and the most time consuming at the moment."
He's got a point. "I'd need to hand off the most urgent of my active cases..."
"We can take care of that tomorrow morning. Most of them can go to Dr. Albert and Mx. Chase should be able to pick up the rest." Singh sounded hopeful.
The siren song of being able to sleep in for a week called to him. Typical bereavement leave for the CCPD was five days and he should have taken it after his father's death. But the station had only just been reclaimed after Zoom's take over and the meta-riots his followers had started. There was nothing Barry could've done to bring back his father or somehow make that loss better. But he could take back his lab and make it his again, after Zoom violated the one place that had been his sanctuary for so long...
"Yeah... alright."
"Go ahead and take the rest of the day off. I'll get the paperwork ready for you, so all you'll need to do is sign off on the leave and on the evidence transferals."
Somehow, Barry felt lighter already just for having agreed. "Thank you, Captain."
Of course, when Barry gets back to his lab in order to pack up his stuff and go, Albert has to make a production of things. "What, going on yet another midday break?" he asked, tone snide. "You can't possibly be leaving for the day this early."
"You know what?" Barry snapped, because what the actual hell was Julian Albert's problem? "For someone who claims not to like discussing personal things at work, you sure are really nosy other people's personal business. I'm taking the bereavement leave I should have taken two months ago when my father was murdered in front of me. I'll be back in the morning to hand off a few of my priority cases and then I'll be out for a week. I'm hoping that when I get back you'll have figured out how to do more than merely pay lip service to the idea of acting professional. Either way, I'll only have one week left to put up with you invading my space before you're moved offsite."
"Your father..." Julian echoed, having deflated entirely and looking, perhaps, a bit ashamed. "I'm sorry for your loss. Two months ago... during the crisis with Zoom?"
"Yeah. Right before Zoom vanished. He got fixated on me during his stay in the station because he found the clippings I kept in here from when I was still... I was still trying to prove my father hadn't murdered my mother. The real killer came forward with a dying declaration after fifteen years. Dad wasn't even out of jail for a year before Zoom..." Barry shook his head. "Zoom's mother was also murdered when he was a child."
"Hence the fixation," Julian filled in. Probably guessing there was more at work than that, but for once not shoving his nose where it wasn't wanted and demanding to be told.
Barry finished shutting his computer down for the day, gathered his things, and then headed out of the station. He didn't go far, though, dropping onto a bench outside and burying his face in his hands.
For him, it hadn't been two months. It had been five. Three months in a timeline where he could pretend his trauma never happened. But it didn't go away. And then he came back and confessed what he'd done and his friends had forgiven him. Until Dante died and Cisco demanded...
Barry would have done it too. Had been running to do it when Jay stopped him. He'd never seen his father...
Jay. Not his father. He'd never seen Jay so angry before.
So Barry had been barred from saving Dante. And he couldn't really explain it to Cisco because that conversation - Jay's disappointment in Barry - was twisted up in Barry's grief over his parents and he just couldn't explain to Cisco without feeling like he was just passing the blame along. Because it was completely Barry's fault in the end. If he hadn't created that alternate timeline with his parents and then destroyed it, then Jay probably wouldn't have noticed - or cared - about something as small as a few days reset. If Barry hadn't fucked up with Flashpoint, then Cisco would still have his brother.
It was as simple as that.
Barry's been crying.
There's no physical indications of it that Hartley can see. His eyes aren't red or puffy and his face isn't blotchy - and Hartley has no doubt that with Barry's complexion he's just as prone to turning blotchy red when crying as Hartley is - but there's a tremor to his voice that's very vulnerable that evening.
So Hartley hugs him. Holds Barry close as he curls into much needed comfort. Listens patiently as Barry admits that he's finally taking the bereavement leave he should've taken after Zoom murdered his father.
And then... he listens as Barry confesses what happened after Zoom's death. Barry's desperate run to undo the changes Eobard Thawne had wrought on the timeline. Only... it wasn't the timeline Thawne had destroyed, but something new and fragile. Nora and Henry Allen were happy there, but Barry wasn't the Flash. And for all that his parents were alive and happy, everyone else Barry cared about were not only strangers to him but miserable and the ones who weren't - Iris and Wally, as a vigilante duo - were devastated when Wally's healing factor as a speedster proved incapable of healing him of wounds inflicted by another speedster's lightning. Wally was dying and Iris had blamed Barry and Joe, already a drunk, would've been completely broken by the loss.
Meanwhile Cisco had been the successful owner of Ramon Industries, which had bought out STAR Labs after the accelerator incident, but he was estranged from his family and friendless, too much the aloof businessman to be anything remotely like the friend Barry had known. And Caitlin was a pediatrician, afraid of her own shadow and just as friendless as Cisco was.
Barry had already decided to undo Flashpoint even before Wally's injury. And it sounded like that just made it easier - and harder - to say goodbye to his parents again.
It had been a stupid, selfish decision. And an understandable one too. Barry had already paid for that mistake too. Which it seemed Cisco and Caitlin had understood right up until Dante died and Jay stopped Barry from reversing that death.
Jay had likely been harsher in his reprimand of Barry than deserved, though Hartley thought he could see things from Jay's point of view. And of course Barry didn't relate what happened with Jay to Cisco and Caitlin, so Cisco was taking his grief out on Barry and Caitlin was apparently encouraging that. Which didn't sound like Caitlin, but then Hartley'd never actually known her all that well.
Things were awkward for Barry with Iris, who was finally getting married to Eddie. There was something about Eddie that Barry wasn't saying - not a crush, and certainly Barry sounded like he was finally over Iris - but... something unspoken that Hartley decided not to push on after everything else Barry had to say. Further, things were weird for him with Joe too. The only one things weren't awkward with was Wally, who was busy with college.
And now Hartley.
"I'm so sorry you've gone through all that without the support you needed." Support he deserved after all the screwed up trauma he'd gone through and was just expected to shrug off and keep running... "But I promise, Barry, I'm not going to just... drop you like a hot potato over this. You're my friend. I..." had a massive crush. Hartley couldn't say it, though. Didn't want to put the pressure of his feelings on Barry on top of everything else. "I want to help and support you in any way I can, okay?"
"O-okay." Barry sniffled and curled back into Hartley's arms for another hug.
"How'd you like a tour of some of Mercury Labs tomorrow afternoon? We could do lunch after you've passed off your cases at work and then I bet Tina'd love to see how you're doing."
"I own STAR Labs. Doesn't that technically make me a rival company owner or something?" Barry asked, sounding wrung out and sleepy.
"Yeah, but there are still parts of Mercury we can show off to you."
"I... I think I'd like that."
Dr. McGee greets Barry with a hug and a warm "it's good to see you, Barry."
He's sure he's getting weird looks from pretty much all of the Mercury Lab employees who aren't Hartley - they've got to be wondering just who the hell Barry is that he gets a hug from their boss. But Barry ignores the looks and smiles at her. "It's good to see you too."
It's easy to get tunnel vision with Team Flash, Barry realizes as he falls into a conversation with Dr. McGee - "Please, Barry, call me Tina" - and Hartley and he gets shown around some of the labs that are either open to the public or have projects that have been announced to the public. Including two projects that Hartley's overseeing personally and is extremely excited for the chance to brag on them.
It's not just himself Hartley brags on, though. He's clearly very proud of the work the scientists he manages has done, giving them credit where due and plenty of praise. He's come a long way from the way he'd treated Cisco at STAR Labs and that in and of itself is quite the accomplishment too.
All in all, it's a fun day. Which Barry hadn't really been expecting at all. And dinner with Hartley is really nice too.
If Barry's being perfectly honest... he doesn't want to go home after dinner. Because he wants to keep spending time with Hartley. He wants to...
He wants...
He wants Hartley.
And Barry needs space to think about what, exactly, that means.
He... doesn't really get that chance, though.
"How come you didn't tell me about taking leave?" Joe asked almost as soon as Barry shut the front door.
"The Captain just sort of... ambushed me with it yesterday and then you were busy and I didn't want to be a bother..." Barry manages to keep his words to a relatively normal speed. But he... he's afraid this is it. The conversation where Joe tells Barry that he should find some place else to live.
"Oh, Bar," Joe says instead. "You're never a bother. Whatever made you think that?"
"I... things haven't been..." Barry felt his eyes prick with tears and he does not want to cry again. He did too much of that yesterday and today had been such a good day. "I know I screwed up by changing the timeline, even though I tried to put things back... I never meant to make things wrong between us Joe, I just missed them so much. And seeing dad... in the same place that mom..." his voice just stopped working entirely as tears started rolling down Barry's cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Bar," Joe said, wrapping Barry up in a warm, safe hug. "I'm so sorry. I thought I was giving you the space you needed and I was just making you feel alone, wasn't I? I'm so, so sorry, son."
"I love you, Joe," Barry mumbled into his dad's shirt, feeling like he'd come home for the first time since... since running into the past to save his parents.
Things are more relaxed with Joe after that and it gives Barry some of his missing confidence back.
Enough that he's prepared to try and iron things out with Caitlin, at the least. Cisco's in group therapy and Barry's hoping that, eventually, Cisco will come to him and they can talk it out; but Barry doesn't want to wait to fix up his friendship with Cisco before working things out with Caitlin.
(And if he texts anxiously with Hartley before going to lunch with Caitlin, well... Hartley's not going to give him a hard time about it.)
It really doesn't help that the diner Caitlin picks is the same one where Jay chewed Barry out for his reckless and selfish use of his powers, though. Barry doesn't even realize it until he arrives outside the place and recognizes it as being the doppelgänger of the diner on Earth-3.
Barry manages to walk through the doors and settle at the table where Caitlin's already waiting for him. "Finally needed a break from Julian?" she asked, teasingly, reminding Barry he hadn't told her he was taking some time off from work either.
"Actually I have the week off." Haltingly, Barry explained why.
Concern paints itself across Caitlin's features. "I'm so sorry, Barry. I should have seen that you've been struggling."
"I didn't want to see that I've been struggling," Barry admitted. "And I've been kind of... hiding from Cisco which means you've been seeing even less of me. But you do have front seat tickets to watching Cisco struggling with his own grief. I guess... I was a little afraid that if I asked for your support you'd see it as me asking you to choose between me and him and that..." Barry took a shuddering breath. "I guess I just stopped trying to communicate with everyone because I've been so angry with myself I thought I've been afraid I'll find out that all any of you can see what I hate about me right now and... leave me behind."
Caitlin comes around to the other side of the table and squishes Barry over to draw him into a hug.
What is with everyone giving him hugs all of a sudden? Not that Barry's going to complain. It's really nice.
"You are one of my best friends, Barry Allen. I could never leave you behind. I thought... I thought Cisco needed my support more than you and I was wrong. You both need me and I screwed up. I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't come to me." Caitlin released him and fluffed his hair, just to see Barry stick his tongue out at her. Then she frowned and hugged him again.
"What?"
"You're too thin," she declared, pulling away and giving him her 'Dr. Caitlin, MD' look. "Have you been eating enough?"
"Yes. Mostly. I think?" Barry ducked his head to avoid the 'disappointed Caitlin' stare.
"You haven't, have you?" she sighed. "That stops now. You're coming in after lunch and getting a full workup."
Despite the promise of needles in his immediate future, Barry smiled as some of the anxiety that had been weighing on him for months slowly began to ease. He'd been so afraid of losing Caitlin and Joe that he'd been reading more into their words and actions than what was actually there.
"So you've been kind of busy in the evenings lately," Caitlin said, returning to her seat. "Is there a girlfriend I need to thank for helping you open back up?"
Barry blushed. "No. Not a girlfriend."
Caitlin's eyebrows went up and she grinned. "Boyfriend?"
"No," he squeaked. "I've just been hanging out with Hartley lately. Totally platonically."
"Really? Hartley?" Caitlin's expression had gone surprised and then went soft and fond. "How has he been lately?"
Hartley frowned at Barry. "Sit down at one of the kitchen stools. You're bleeding."
"What?" Barry looked to his arm and swore at the sight of blood staining his shirt. "I didn't think he actually got me. I just thought it caught the suit."
"Doesn't it hurt any?" Hartley was trying not to panic. "Roll up your sleeve, I'm gonna go grab my first aid kit." Barry was probably fine. He healed fast and clearly had a high pain tolerance so...
"Didn't you go by STAR Labs? I can't believe Caitlin would've let you go with a giant gash on your arm," Hartley complained, rifling through his drawers and coming back with antiseptic, bandages, and a few other things he probably didn't need.
"I, uh, skipped STAR Labs," Barry admitted. Because of course he did.
Hartley had to restrain himself from swatting Barry for that. "Why? Cisco's going to be pissed when he finds out the suit was torn and you didn't bring it to him to fix."
"That's kind of exactly why I didn't." Barry shifted uncomfortably while Hartley cleaned his arm with some isopropyl alcohol and dabbed it with antiseptic cream. It was healing before his very eyes, but Hartley covered it up with gauze anyway. "I really didn't notice I was hurt or I swear, I'd have gone to see Caitlin. Even if she has been a little needle happy since I admitted I wasn't eating well lately 'cause I've been maybe kinda, sorta depressed lately. I just didn't want to have to listen to Cisco complain about having to fix the suit again when I'm perfectly capable of repairing it myself."
"You shouldn't have to be afraid to ask your team for help," Hartley grumbled, blushing when he looked up and realized how close Barry's face was.
"I'm not afraid of Cisco! I'm just... tired of the way he's always angry with me." Barry slumped when Hartley looked pointedly at his arm. "Don't tell Caitlin. Please?"
"Only because you're gonna tell her yourself," Hartley said, more command than question.
Barry groaned and then yawned. "Sorry."
"Still not sleeping great?"
"Having the time off to catch up on its helping, but yeah. I set my alarm clock for nine-thirty and slept through it until, like, twelve. And I'm still tired. Though, admittedly, chasing after a teleporter is always exhausting. And this one wasn't limited to only places he could see." Barry shrugged. "I guess I just need to catch up on all that missing sleep first."
"Well, I'm not going to be offended if you fall asleep on me again tonight. Always enjoy having an attractive man snoozing on my shoulder," Hartley teased, pleased when Barry grinned back.
"It's such a comfortable shoulder too," Barry replied, reaching out to pat Hartley's left shoulder and then blushing a little.
Hartley swallowed nervously at the sight, wondering just how far down Barry's blush really went...
Barry's phone going off, however, made Hartley back off a step or two instead of reaching forward, cupping the other man's cheek, and drawing him into a kiss.
"What is it?" he asked as Barry checked his texts.
"Wally's asking for a ride home. Apparently he had a few drinks at a campus party and as he's underage..." Barry trailed off.
"He doesn't want Joe to know," Hartley filled in. "And he must be a little drunk, texting you instead of Iris, the one with a car."
Barry snorted in amusement. "Yeah, I doubt he'll want me running around the city with him. You have a car, though..."
"Yeah, sure, I'll go with you to pick up Wally and drop him off at Joe's house. Are you gonna stay with him?"
"Maybe." Barry shrugged. "Depends on whether he needs looking after or not."
Knowing that Barry's sleeping in every morning means that Hartley has the time to go to STAR Labs. Which... he shouldn't.
Team Flash internal politics are not his problem. Except...
He wants to kiss Barry and wrap him up in blankets and keep him safe and... and apparently interfere in internal Team Flash problems.
So Hartley lets himself into STAR Labs and heads all the way down to Cisco's lab. Leaning against the doorframe, he waits for Cisco to notice him.
"Holy shit!" Cisco yelps, jumping and stumbling back and putting a hand over his chest dramatically. "What the hell, Hartley? Knock first or something. Don't scare me like that." He took a few deep breaths and shook his head. "What are you doing here?"
"So I told myself I'd stay out of it. Not my problem that you're being a complete and total hypocrite and asshole these days. But Barry showed up for video games last night with a six inch gash," okay Hartley might be exaggerating there, but Cisco deserved the guilt trip, "in his arm that he didn't go to Caitlin for medical aid over because he was afraid you'd yell at him for the damage to the suit. A suit that is supposed to take damage so that Barry doesn't. Now I realize you're grieving and lashing out at the people who love you because it hurts so much that they're alive and you're alive but Dante isn't, but Barry's grieving too. And his grief has made him depressed and anxious and kind of self-destructive. He doesn't need you giving him an excuse to give in to that self destructive behavior."
Guilt flickered on Cisco's face before resolving into an angry expression. "All I asked him to..."
"I know what incredibly selfish thing you asked of him. Barry abused his powers, realized he'd fucked up, and tried to make things right and you had the audacity, when he'd just watched his mother die all over again and after seeing for himself what kind of life she could have - should have had - with him and his father, to tell him that he couldn't be your friend if he didn't abuse his powers for your sake every time something bad happens that you don't want to live with. I get it. Your powers didn't warn you about your brother's death and Barry's already in pain so that made him an easy target for you to lash out at and blame for your pain. But it's not his fault that your brother is dead. And it's not wrong of him to recognize that there are lines he shouldn't cross. Not for himself or for you or for anyone."
"Get out," Cisco snarled. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about..."
"Except that I do and that's what's making you so damn angry," Hartley snapped. "Make things right with him Ramon. Because if you don't and Barry comes to me bleeding through one of his shirts again, I'm coming back here and I'm going to show you why when it comes to using vibrations offensively, you're still a novice. Is that clear."
"Crystal," Cisco gritted out.
"Good." Hartley turned on his heel and stalked out of STAR Labs. Now either Cisco would get his shit together and fix things with Barry or...
Or Hartley come back with his Piper gloves and kick Cisco's ass until he apologized.
Cisco's voice sounds rough on the phone, so Barry speed dresses and runs to STAR Labs immediately. He slows down as he reaches Cisco's lab and peers inside worriedly.
It looks like Cisco's been crying.
"Oh, god, what's wrong? Is Caitlin okay?" Barry tenses up, prepared to go running somewhere else if necessary, if something was wrong with Caitlin...
"What?" Cisco looked confused for a moment before shaking his head emphatically. "No, no, Caitlin's fine. She's fine. Everyone's... everyone's fine."
"Then... are you okay? It's just... you've, um..." Barry wondered what would be a diplomatic way to say 'you've been crying'.
"I, um... Hartley came by. To tell me to pull my head out of my ass. Not in those exact words, but it was definitely the sentiment."
Oh, Barry would be having words with Hartley later.
"I'm sorry, I never meant for him to..." he trailed off when Cisco shook his head.
"He wasn't exactly wrong, which was the most infuriating thing." Cisco sighed and looked away. "I kept wondering, after Dante died, why I never saw... why I never saw it coming. I mean... what good are my powers if I don't see what I need to keep my family safe. And then I stomped all over you and your grief by demanding you make all my problems disappear because I wanted to stop being angry with myself for failing him. What you did... undoing the changes you made to the timeline... I don't know if I could've done that. Had Dante back and then... let him go again."
"Cisco... I'm so sorry," Barry's voice cracked a little.
"Pretty sure that's my line." Cisco shuffled forward some. "And I am sorry."
"You didn't fail him, you know that right?" Barry asked. "Dante's death wasn't your fault. Our abilities aren't infallible, Cisco. As powerful as they make us... we kind of need the limits. Both of us."
"Yeah..." Cisco tapped his fingers along his thigh. "Are you and Hartley..."
"Are we what?" Barry told himself he didn't squeak.
"Dating?"
"What?" Barry definitely squeaked that time. "No. No, what makes you think that... did he do something? Say something?" Barry tried not to sound too eager.
Cisco gave Barry an amused look. "Sounds less like a no and more like a 'not yet'," he observed. Then... "Hartley, though? Really? Hartley Rathaway?"
"Yeah, well..." Barry shrugged. "He's been really nice to me. But I can't tell if he likes me back or not..."
"He does. Trust me, he does." Cisco ran a hand through his hair nervously. "Are we... are we going to be okay?"
Barry nodded. "Yeah." He stepped forward and pulled Cisco into a hug. "We're gonna be okay." Barry felt a watery smile make its way onto his face as Cisco hugged him back fiercely. "We're gonna be okay..."
"You made Cisco cry."
"I regret nothing," Hartley retorted, shutting the door behind Barry after he walked inside. "Did he fix things or do I need to go and kick his ass literally instead of verbally?"
"We're gonna be okay. It's... we talked and it's not all fixed, but we're gonna get there," Barry confirmed. "Thank you for that. But I'm still miffed you made Cisco cry."
"Yeah, well, he's made you cry. That matters a lot more to me than whether or not his feelings got hurt by what I said. And he needed to hear it, especially since you and Caitlin care too much about him to call him on his bullshit." Hartley shrugged when Barry gave him an irritated look. "Am I wrong?"
Barry just huffed in irritation and dropped onto Hartley's couch. "I want pizza tonight."
"Sounds good." Hartley smirked and went for his phone.
"You're insufferably smug about this," Barry grumbled.
Laughing, Hartley called one of the pizza places and placed the usual order for when Barry was visiting. Then he settled onto the couch beside Barry... and made a startled noise when Barry kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you," Barry said quietly, "for helping me get my friend back."
"Barry..." Hartley reached up, gently cupping Barry's face in his hands and leaning in for the kiss he'd wanted so badly the other night. Barry's lips are a little chapped from all the running he does and the taste of his mouth is almost electric as he kisses back.
Notes: This wound up so much longer than I intended, but I'm glad it's finally all finished and posted.