4-17-20
I Loved Her
S2,Ep8- The Lady of the Lake
Merlin grew visibly rigid when Arthur plopped down beside him, though he continued to brush the prince's shoes. Arthur had never seen him so insistent on ignoring him, and he hated it.
"Something's been upsetting you."
"Maybe," Merlin answered quickly.
He wasn't going to make this easy, but Arthur had already accepted the challenge of cheering him up, and he was willing to work for that.
"...Was it when I threw water over you?"
Merlin's hands stilled for only a moment. He took a deep, shaky breath, face turned pointedly away from his master still.
"C'mon. You've got to give me something to work with. It's not like you be this sulky."
This time when Merlin's hands froze, they remained frozen. "...You think-" He shook his head.
"What?"
Merlin's chest rose and fell with heavy breaths, huffing as he struggled to speak. "It wasn't very nice," he managed finally.
"It was a bit unfair," Arthur acknowledged. "Like when you called me 'fat.'"
Merlin set the boot and brush down, fingers lingering over them for a moment.
Arthur frowned, concerned that he wasn't rising to the bait. "Seriously, what's bothering you?"
Merlin's pressed a fist to his face that Arthur now saw was tense with pain. "You treat me like dirt every day, Arthur," he murmured. "You think that's what's bothering me. You have no idea what I-"
"...So tell me."
Merlin's tear-filled eyes met his finally. "She was just a girl," he cried. "She didn't mean to hurt anyone, and you killed her."
Arthur's eyes widened. "...You're the one who freed her."
"Yes, and you can throw me in jail if you like, I don't care."
It was clear by the bitterness in his tone that he meant it, and also why. "You cared for her."
Merlin's indignation crumbled into sorrow in an instant. He turned away again as sobs racked his slim frame.
"...She killed people, Merlin."
"It wasn't her fault- she was cursed! ...I know... why you did it, Arthur, but that doesn't make it any easier."
Arthur nodded, though he couldn't begin to understand what his servant must be going through. He wondered idly when Merlin's well-being had become more important than the idea of him breaking the king's laws.
"I loved her."
Merlin spoke softly, as if afraid of his own admission. Guilt flooded Arthur's thoughts. Perhaps if he'd looked into the matter further, a cure could have been found for the girl. He should have caught on that Merlin was hiding her when he began taking the prince's food. If only he'd paid more attention, perhaps Merlin wouldn't be crying on his bedroom floor right now.
"I wish something could have been done for her."
Merlin wiped his eyes on his sleeve, but his tears persisted. "We were going to run away together. I was going to help her."
He meant it. Just like that, he could have left without a word, and Arthur would never have known why.
"You treat me like dirt every day." He was right.
Arthur shifted behind Merlin, wrapping his arms around the boy. He pressed his face against Merlin's back to avoid the reluctant fist that came his way.
"I'm sorry, Merlin," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."
Merlin's weak protest to his embrace subsided at those words. He melted into Arthur's arms, wrapping a hand around the prince's wrist like a lifeline as he cried harder than before, his inhibitions dissolved.
Arthur's own eyes pricked with tears he didn't know he could shed for someone else's grief.
"No man is worth your tears." His father's words echoed through his memory. He'd spoken them himself many times, adopted them as wisdom. Yet here was Merlin, breaking down yet another tenet of his upbringing. Still, he blinked his eyes clear, determined to remain strong for his friend. When Merlin's sobs had turned to sharp, shuddering breaths, Arthur squeezed his arm.
"You can have the day off if you want."
Merlin's thumb traced over the back of his hand lightly. "I need to work," he whispered.
Arthur pulled away from him, surprised to find that he missed Merlin's touch. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"
"...No," Merlin answered softly.
Arthur nodded, gaze resting on the line of boots beside Merlin before he picked one up along with the brush.
Merlin snorted. "What are you doing?"
Arthur set to work and feigned confusion. "If you can't figure it out, you have no business doing it yourself."
Merlin shook his head, lips pressed together. "I didn't know that cleaning boots could be done wrong, but you never cease to amaze me. Here."
He took over, explaining Arthur's boot-cleaning shortcomings and how to correct them. Arthur was too busy smiling at him to listen. When Merlin finally noticed, his eyes faltered nervously and he smiled in return.
"That's better," Arthur said.
Merlin scoffed, forcing the smile down in protest. "If you actually want to help me, you could pick up your clothes or something. Since clearly cleaning boots isn't among your gifts."
"Yes, my lord," Arthur replied with a smirk, rising to his feet.