Hi SPNFam,
This week has been an emotional rollercoaster, and the episode broke me in an unexpected way. Unexpected, not because of Cas dying, but that freaking monologue? One of the most beautiful and heartbreaking things I've ever experienced. I'm sure lot of you have a lot of feelings about it too, so I'm hoping to bring some relief with this OS, if anybody is still able to read fics. I know it's been nearly impossible for me for the past 48 hours. So I decided to listen to Jensen's singing voice to cheer me up and somehow ended up on him covering Heaven. Which did NOT cheer me up at first, but helped me find the strength to write this
Since that intense trailer came out a couple months ago, and the rumor of Cas dying in this episode, I've been on a mission to write and finish the fics I started writing because I believe the slap in the face would be too painful to keep writing afterwards. For now, I can't go back to my unfinished works, but I still hope to post them one day. But somehow, after a lot of ugly sobbing, new words started to write themselves. It's much fluffier than what I usually write, and maybe a little OOC and too happy, but this is litterally me picking myself up and mourning my favorite character. And also giving myself a bit of hope for the last two episodes as I try to not be angry at my favorite show, because who knows what they still have in store for us?
This is unbetaed, and half written in the middle of the night so sorry for any mistakes!
Enjoy :)
Heaven
Dean stares at the big white door with his name on it and wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans for the third time since he arrived in front of it.
This is it. The retirement, the peace and quiet, the happiness he's always wanted. The final death. Ironically, it feels like the beginning of the rest of his life.
He doesn't feel completely ready, but he also knows that he can't wait another second, so he takes a deep breath and pushes the door that says Castiel & Dean Winchester and enters their heaven.
He wasn't sure what to expect, but he's still surprised. It only takes him a second to recognize the park and the two benches where he and Cas were sitting when the angel first confessed that he had doubts. That he was happy that Dean had ignored Heaven's orders to save a whole town, even if it meant breaking a seal. Because he cared.
"Because you cared, I cared. I cared about the whole world because of you" As the angel's last words resonate, Dean wonders if Cas had already started falling in love with him back then.
His heart misses a beat when he realizes that even though the park is completely empty now, there's a figure slowly approaching the benches, and it can only be one person. He starts walking towards him. The angel must have been used to the silence already because he seems to hear his steps right away and turns to face him.
"Dean?" he asks, looking confused. He doesn't get to ask more questions though, because Dean has now reached him and is squeezing him in a bone-crushing hug.
"You're a son of a bitch you know that?" Dean whispers against his shoulder. The words sound harsh but there's no anger in his tone. "You don't get to say what you said, and then disappear on me forever." He adds, his voice shaking.
"Dean, what's going on?" Hearing how lost Castiel sounds, Dean lets go of him, reluctantly breaking their embrace. He can't stop touching him though, so he puts his hands on his shoulders and looks him in the eyes for the first time since he said goodbye.
"What's the last thing you remember?"He softly asks.
"I'm not sure. I just… I feel like I slept for a while after being hit in the head and just woke up. It might take a minute for me to gather my thoughts." He replies, and Dean can't help but smile at his comparison. After a few seconds, Cas seems to come to a realization. "Wait... Was I dead?"
"Sorry sunshine, but you still are." Dean replies with a smile.
"Then what are you doing here? Where are we?"Cas asks, taking in his surroundings, realizing that it looks nothing like the Empty, where he's supposed to end up.
"Don't you recognize it? We're in Heaven." Dean says in a reassuring tone, gently squeezing his shoulder.
"But I don't have a heaven, and Heaven is supposed to be memories." Castiel says, more confused than ever.
"What about this park though?" Dean asks, nodding towards the familiar benches.
"I recognize the place, but this isn't what happened." Cas replies, gesturing between them.
"This is a memory. But I'm not." Dean replies softly, waiting for Cas to figure things out. He slides his hands up to his face and slowly strokes his cheeks with his thumbs.
"You're dead too. And I'm in your heaven." Cas finally understands, which brings tears to his eyes.
"Ours." Dean replies before leaning in and finally kissing him. It's shy, just a soft touch of their lips, barely moving, but Dean has never felt lighter. After a few seconds, he pulls away and presses their foreheads together, his eyes never leaving the angel's.
"This is what you meant right? The thing that you can't have?" Dean asks, suddenly nervous. After all these years, the weight behind his confession and the fact that his whole happiness seemed to depend on Dean, he's pretty sure of what he meant, but now that he reciprocated, he can't help but worry, especially since the angel doesn't seem to remember the circumstances of his death.
Cas nods, stunned, as it suddenly all comes back to him. Billie chasing them, almost killing Dean, and his sacrifice to save him. The relief of finally being able to tell him how he felt and everything he meant to him, and the peace and happiness this moment brought him. He remembers the pure shock on Dean's face and his broken plea. He remembers the Empty, taking him. He remembers being stuck there, with a very angry entity and how he was tortured for a while, relieving his worst moments.
But now, after yet another miracle, he's out and Dean just kissed him. His lips are slightly parted, his smile getting wider the longer they stare at each other, he looks happy. He has never looked more gorgeous. "That's exactly what I meant." Castiel finally says with a hoarse voice, his throat tight with emotion.
"Then you're an idiot because I love you too. And I'm also dumbass for not saying anything earlier." Dean finally confesses, his thumbs still stroking Castiel's face, now wiping the tears of joy that have started to fall from his closed eyes.
"So we're back to being a couple of dumbasses then?" Cas says after a while as he opens his eyes and releases a shaky breath.
For the first time in a long time, Dean laughs, because he can't believe that's the first thing Cas says after he confesses his feelings, but it's also very Cas-like. He leans in to steal another soft kiss, still reveling in the fact that he even gets to do it, but Cas grips him tight, and this time, he kisses back. The first kiss was perfect in his softness but this one is much more passionate, and even more perfect. He slides a hand in Castiel's hair and brings their faces even closer, while the angel's grasp around his waist brings their bodies together. Dean slightly opens his mouth as their tongues quickly find each other and he can't believe how warm and addictive it feels. He already knows he could keep going forever, but they end up breaking the kiss to catch their breaths.
"I love you so much." Dean repeats as they are breathing each other in.
"I love you too." Castiel replies, and this time Dean's heart is not breaking, it's healing. He can't help but lean in to peck the angel's lips again. And again.
Castiel smiles against his mouth, realizing how happy he feels. The happiness he felt when he sacrificed himself for Dean came with a feeling of peace at doing the right thing, but now, the feeling seem surreal, almost too good to be true.
"Wait." He says, as he reluctantly pulls away from Dean, feeling his worries take over. "How did I get out of the Empty? Did you make a deal? Is that why you're dead?"
"Not exactly." Dean replies, trying to sound reassuring. "I need to catch you up on a few things sunshine, let's sit." He says, taking Castiel hand in his and leading him towards one of the benches.
He tells him everything. How Michael ended up being the one who saved the day, managing to reach out to Amara and how they overpowered Chuck together, keeping balance in the world. How they were rebuilding Heaven with more angels, with Michael taking its lead so that Amara would be free to roam around the Earth she had come to love so much. How Jack somehow became a reaper after exploding in the empty, probably sucking in some energy to stay alive. What a great job he was doing, because he was kind and compassionate like Castiel. How he still preferred to spend time with his family, as much as he could, and would be able to come and visit them both in Heaven, thanks to his powers.
Dean tells Cas about the roadtrip they went on after Amara brought back everybody who had disappeared because of Chuck, including Eileen who had permanently moved in with them to be with Sam. He tells him about going to the beach to sip on fruity cocktails, toes in the sand. About showing the Grand Canyon and the Niagara Falls to Jack for the first time. About all the burgers and pies they got to try on the road.
His throat feels tighter as he tells Cas how hard it was for him to even get back on his feet after the Empty took him. How he barely had enough strength for their ultimate fight. How sad Jack had been for a while, and how helping people to find peace in their death had helped his mourn his father figure. How Sam had tried so hard to keep it together, despite his own sadness, because he could see how broken Dean was. How the support from Eileen, Donna, Jody and the girls had helped. But ultimately, how Michael and Amara's promise to look for a way to get the angel out of the Empty, and the slight hope that came with it, was what kept him going.
He explains that they managed to separate his grace from his soul, and that he was technically human now, but human meant that this part of him could get to Heaven. He tells him how angry the Empty was, and Castiel unfortunately remembers how true that was, and how it made him pay for it. But ultimately, with help from Amara, it was now silent again, which had allowed them to get Castiel's soul without the Empty trying to hold onto it.
Finally, he tells him about the moment Amara told him that Cas had gotten into heaven, into their heaven and that they would be reunited when he died. He tells Cas about the look he and Sam exchanged, both realizing that Dean was ready to die, right then.
"You're dead become of me." Cas whispers, shocked by the revelation.
"Look who's talking." Dean jokes. He becomes serious again. "I was done Cas. We played our part, and sacrificed so much along the way. We saved the world. Everybody was at peace and ready to move on. I just chose to be happy for once."
"But Sam…" Castiel worries and laces their fingers together on his lap.
"He's okay with it. Hell, it wasn't easy and we definitely had a major chick-flick moment. But he's happy for us and he's ready for a new life. Jack was a bit more reluctant but he ended up being the one reaping me. I don't think a reaper is supposed to cry that much and I don't think the person dying is supposed to hug their reaper to comfort them, but the kid did a good job, and he'll get to visit soon. And when Sam get his ass over here, we'll get to visit him." Dean explains, grinning.
"How?"
"Michael has made a few changes on how everybody's heavens are going to work. Once in a while, doors are going to open and we're going to be able to visit other people. I suspect he knew we'd end up trying anyway so he's giving us the opportunity every now and then while keeping control over it."
"Smart." Castiel replies, beaming. "He knows how stubborn we are and he's making sure to eliminate problems before they even appear."
Dean nods and they can't help but start making plans for the first time the doors will open. They're probably going to visit Bobby first, who's most likely to congratulate them for getting their heads out of their asses. Dean suspects the old bastard knew about them long before their realized their own feelings.
Then, they'll go to see Mary and John. Dean cringes a little at the idea of introducing his dad to his ex-angel boyfriend whom he chose to die for. But he knows his dad loves him, in his own way, and being reunited with the love of his life has probably softened him. He also knows that Mary loves Cas like family and will be happy for them.
Castiel would like to visit Jimmy and Amelia next. He pretty much owes his happiness to the man, and letting them know how amazing Claire has grown to be is a small retribution compared to everything he got from taking Jimmy as his vessel.
They have many more people to visit, like Charlie, Ellen, Jo, Ash, and everybody they lost along the way. The good news is, they have all the time in the world.
And then, when their time comes, they'll get to visit Sam and Eileen. Dean hopes they're going to have to wait for a while before they get to do this, even if he already misses his little brother. He can't wait to make fun of his grey hair and hear about the rest of their lives.
But in the meantime he has great company, and a lot of lost time to make up for. He snaps out of his daydreaming and turns to face Cas, who's staring at him with a soft smile.
"So, ready to spend eternity together?" Dean asks with a wink.
"Of course Dean."
The End.
Tell me what you think, and please feel free to discuss the episode in the comments, I'm not really on social media and I need to vent! I discussed with some of you a couple of weeks ago and we agreed that having Destiel canon even if Cas had to die right after was better than not having Destiel at all, so I guess we got our wish? Why does it hurt so much though? How are we feeling y'all?