"We're in."

Those are the first words I hear when I emerge from my hiding spot, back into – it's a funny name, considering – the sanctuary. Those words, they were Rick's. I see him, sitting on the floor with Judith in his lap. He looks happy. Yep. Rick looks happy.

Sanctuary. A funny name, Sydney? Why? It should be my sanctuary. This is my group. My people. My family. But at the moment, I'm just on the outside looking in. What makes it so wrong is that I don't really want to change that.

You can't let it ruin you.

What did you mean by that, anyway, Dad? Aren't I already ruined? We all are, right? In a sense, yeah, I'd say so. Is there coming back from it?

Rick and I forgave each other.

But the past is history, and history doesn't change. Rick and me and the couch and the gun, it's a story written down inside of me.

People are clapping. My people. There's a little of what I guess you could call cheering. More smiles, not just Rick's. Tyreese. Bob. Sasha. Smiling, smiling, smiling. And Abraham, he's standing up at the front of the church, which tells me exactly what Rick decided We're in for.

To DC we go.

I press my thumbs into my eyeballs until stars are exploding on my eyelids. My thumbs, they come away wet. Ah, there's no hiding it. Anyone who gets a good look at me will be able to tell I've been crying. Might as well accept that. All I have to say, after all, is that I talked to LC. Everyone who knows me will understand. Everyone who knows me well won't press me further.

Across the sanctuary and over heads, Carl is bending to take Judith from Rick. Just as he lifts up, with her in his arms, he sees me. I give a crooked smile. He doesn't try to give one back.

I rest against the wall and rub my eyes one more time, waiting for him to come over, because he will. When he's gotten here, Judith reaches out to me, and I reach back to her, stroking her wonderful, too-soft-to-believe hair. And Carl touches shoulders with me. His murmur is soothing. "What can I do?"

"Let me fall asleep beside you tonight."

"Your dad won't like that."

"Nope." I sniff, let out a long, ragged breath, and nod at Judith. "Can I have her? I could use some baby talk."

When she's safe and sound in my arms, I press my cheek against the side of her head and breathe her in. Relax, Sydney. You're safe. Judith is safe. Carl, everyone. Safe.

"DC, huh?" I say.

"DC."

Smile again, Sydney. Yes, just one more. "Be just your cup of tea, city boy."

I get a Carl smile back, so it was worth a Sydney smile.

I walk the length of the church, between the wall and the pews on this side. "What do you think, Judith?" I say quietly, bouncing her like Carl taught me to. "Are all of our problems gonna go away in DC? Zap, boom, no more walkers?"

She's fascinated by my slightly-shorter hair. Naturally, she sticks some of it in her mouth.

"No, no, that won't taste good . . . Let's sing a song. You want a song? My Papaw, he used to sing me "Mr. Bojangles." It's about a dancer. Wanna hear it?"

But just before I start in with the first verse, I see Carol.

She's not up front, with the others, eating and – as Owen would say – being merry. Looking forward to a trip to our nation's capital. No, Carol is at the church doors. Carol has a bag. Carol glances over her shoulder, but doesn't see me, no, I'm tucked over here to the side, and Carol hesitates, but then she goes. Through the church doors. Out into the world.

With a bag.

I count to ten. Decide to get up to twenty to be safe. Then I walk in between two pews and go the short distance up the rest of the aisle, and, propping Judith on my hip and balancing her there with one hand, I use the other to open one of the doors. Just a crack.

"It's okay, Judy . . ."

I peek out.

I see Carol because of her silver hair, mostly. It catches the moonlight like everything else. The rest of her outline draws itself out, gets smaller and smaller, until she's at the edge of the woods.

Once there, she meets up with another head of light-colored hair. Higher above hers and messier, longer.

And then both of those silver glows vanish into the forest like ghosts through a wall.

I close the door. I grip the handle for a while. Grip it as hard as an invisible fist is gripping my gut.

No, Carol. Not you. Not you, too.

Judith whines. I snap my palm open, off the handle, and put that palm on her belly before turning and searching for the man who can always fix everything – so I once believed. I can believe it again, for tonight. It's true for tonight – he can fix everything about this. Everything about Carol.

There.

Dad is up front with the others, but at the edge of the group, sitting on the floor and leaning on a pew, and he's the closest one of all to me, except for Bob, right across from him. Bob. My dad didn't like him for a while, after – after that run for meds, but maybe he's gotten over it. After everything, I think I would have gotten over it.

I have. There's too much new bad stuff to not forget at least some of the old.

I go to Dad, stand over him, me and Judith. He takes me in. The red eyes. But it isn't the time to worry about that, Dad.

"Can I talk to you?" I say, readjusting the baby.

Dad's on his feet immediately, crossbow in hand, as always. I lead him up the aisle, walking fast. He takes my shoulder. He thinks this is about me. I stop at the doors, check to make that there's still no one close, and say, "Carol just left. With a bag."

Dad's face turns to stone.

"I looked outside. She was with Owen."

I'll be gone by mornin'.

"They head out?"

"Yeah. Into the woods."

"You see which way?"

I take him outside, and we stand on the front steps and I point out into the black.

"Alright," he says, and then he's bounding to the ground.

"Wait – I'll go with you."

"No. You stay here. I'll bring her back."

"Dad –"

"I said no, Sydney."

I watch him walk away. Fade slowly, and then disappear all at once. Judith has gone absolutely quiet. She understands these things, Judith. The seriousness of them. Such a smart girl.

"You should know better by now, Dad," I whisper, almost sadly.

I return inside. I find Maggie. Give her the baby.

"Sydney, do you wanna –?"

"No." Then I go back up the aisle, back outside. I sit on the steps with my bow on my lap. I can see my breath. A cigarette would be lovely. I stare at the spot in the woods that sucked up Carol, Owen, and my Dad. The black hole.

I count to twenty. Then I go.