"Hey," Ryder greeted as she entered her mother's room.
Now that she knew her mother was being protected, she knew what to look for. The private room, the secluded corner her room was located at, the lack of windows and a rotating cast of burly looking aliens and humans that just seemed to hover outside. Her father had definitely pulled out all stops for this security detail.
Where had the money come from?
"Sara." Her mother brightened up visibly from her half sitting position on her bed. She had been writing in a journal, a real paper journal using a real ink pen.
Ryder swallowed, taking all the little differences a few months had wrought. This was what Scott was talking about. They were supposed to have years, but now they were hurtling towards the end with all the momentum of 20 years of AEND behind them.
"I always love that you use the fountain pen," she said, praying it was enough to distract her mother from her limp. "The lacquer work is just beautiful." She winced as she sat down on the chair positioned next to her mother's bed, reaching up to study the eight facetted black and red pen.
"Sara," her mother said reproachfully, closing her journal resolutely, retrieving the pen from Ryder. "Do you have something to tell me?" Her gaze keen as she gestured at Ryder's leg.
"Well about that, I got hurt on a mission."
Her mother shook her head and sighed. "What happened?"
"Just a little gash on my thigh. Nothing serious about it."
A snort rang out. "You're not going to fool me Sara Ryder."
"I'm trying to spare you the gory details."
"Fine, fine. I'm dying, but I'm not stupid you know."
Ryder sighed and nodded.
"I see your leg is still giving you trouble. Why don't you hop on the bed with me?"
With a little squirming and shifting, Ryder joined her mother in bed, taking care the nasal cannula and IV isn't crushed under her weight. She sighed as she stretched her bad leg straight. "Much better."
For a while, mother and daughter sat side by side in silence. Her mother took her hand in hers. Those hands were so thin, bones protruding through almost translucence skin. They lifted hers, smoothed her fingers out, examining them by flipping it front to back and back again. Against Ryder's own skin, she could see how much greyer her mother's was. Then, gnarled fingers laced between her own. Ryder's chest ached in that nameless way.
AEND was the slow decay of a human soul.
"Your hands have seen so much," her mother said. "You have done so much."
"I have."
"And so much that I've not been able to help you out with, even if it is to lend a listening ear. And so much I never will," her voice broke at the last line.
Ryder tightened her grip on her mother's hand. She didn't have words to comfort her mother with. These were facts. AEND was terminal, unless...
"Hey, have you heard of the Andromeda Initiative?"
Her mother took a deep shuddering breath as if to master her emotions. Ryder kept her eyes forward, giving her mother privacy.
She hummed affirmatively.
Ryder felt a weight on her shoulder as her mother rested her head against it. Her chest protested against it, but she kept still. If this helped, she wasn't going to push her mother away because of a little pain.
"So I don't know if Pa told you. He is working with them, training the human Pathfinder team."
The warm body that pressed against her stiffened. "Is this about that AI of his?"
"Has he spoken to you about it?" Ryder shifted, looking at her mother.
"I've told him time and time again. His AI wouldn't be ready in time. I don't want to be taking the meds and be living out my last days in a fog just to give him weeks? Months? To lock himself away working on the AI," she hissed.
Ryder remembered the argument she had walked in on previously.
"But with cryo, you could potentially live long enough for a cure to be found."
"Would I survive the cryo sleep? How long would it take? Will I wake up and you're all old and gone? What then?"
Every question was a stab at her naivety. Ryder bit her lip. She had gone about it all wrong.
"Sara, I don't want to wake up in a world where the cure existed, but my children are old and grey. This shouldn't be the way it works. I shouldn't have to bury my children."
"Fuck," Ryder muttered. "Shit, sorry. I mean. Damnit, I'm sorry."
She wrapped her arms around her mother and begged for forgiveness. Realising that she had been selfish, thinking only of herself, her potential losses and hadn't prioritised her mother's needs, wants and desires.
"I'll tell them, I'll tell them you don't want this."
That night Scott glanced at her furtively as if waiting for her to spill the beans, but the heartache was too strong for her to put into words. She shook her head and said, "Let's have a family gathering. For Ma."
He agreed, and she put him to work. First step was getting their father into the same space as the rest of them.
Ryder tried to clean the house up, making so that it didn't look like a hotel that barely anyone lived in. Her bad leg kept up well, the rehab was paying off. She bargained with her mother's doctor for a standard day away from the hospice. It took some creativity but they agreed. The stipulation being to bring the oxygen tank along just in case breathing got a little too laboured as well as instructions to return immediately if anything went sideways. She readily agreed to all of it.
The hours before picking up her mother from the hospice were spent doing last minute tidying up. Her back was drenched with sweat in mere minutes. She sighed and looked at her handiwork. It wasn't great but it'll have to do. The kitchen, living area and rooms were cleaned if nothing else.
"Scott, you'll make sure Pa gets home in time?"
He nodded. "I've told him I'll be picking him up from the docks. He won't have to try and get a skycar from the terminal."
"All right, I'll go make sure we get Ma's favourite foods."
She left home, stopping by Apollo to put in orders for both lunch and dinner. Orders of her mother's favourite asari fusion dishes would be delivered to their home at the appropriate times the server had promised. Ryder left an inordinately large tip as incentive with promise for more if everything ran perfectly. Somehow this was more nerve wrecking than enlisting.
Ryder searched for the asari bartender but sadly the bar was empty. The server noticed. "Are you looking for Atheyta?"
She shook her head. "It's fine. If you see her, let her know, I'm taking her advice." And she was out the door once more.
Stepping off the skycar, a warm breeze rippled through the air, weaving through the trees that lined the exterior of the hospice. The leaves sang as they swayed.
This day will go perfectly. This is for Ma, for us.
She cast her eyes on the doors leading into the hospice. Taking a deep breath, she walked in. The foyer was mostly empty. It was still too early in the day for visitors. A splash of colour caught her attention. It was a small stall tucked away among VIs dispensing information to visitors. She approached and was surprised she hadn't realised that it was a florist. A smile tugged at her lips as she browsed their wares.
"Hey," Ryder greeted, handing her the flowers.
"Oh you got me flowers? You shouldn't have," Ma smiled. Her laughter floated lightly in the air.
It was a balm to soothe Ryder's heart. She grinned back as her mother fussed about the cost of real flowers on the Citadel.
"How are you feeling today? Still up for our little trip?"
Ma chuckled. "I'm just going home. That's all. Unless you have some special thing planned today?"
"Just food, family and maybe a movie or two."
"And a talk, right?" Her mother's eyes holding hers. Nothing escaped her attention even though the medication fogged up her mind before.
Ryder nodded tightly, guilt flared in her chest again. Maybe I should do this on my own, Ma don't need to be put through this. Her mother waved a hand dismissing her concerns. "That sounds lovely, Sara. Thank you."
"Let me get the hover-chair."
Before long, Ryder was pushing her mother out of the hospice towards the skycar. With the oxygen tank and all the needed medical supplies in tow, mother and daughter headed home.
Apollo lived up to their promises, and lunch was delivered right on time. "Food's here!" Ryder called.
Scott and their mother looked up from their chat in the living room. "Thank gods, I was starving," he said.
Ma slapped a palm against his shoulder. "You're not. You had a whole bag of chips as we talked."
"I'm a growing boy," he protested
Ryder laughed as she started setting the table.
"Look at you two, my beautiful children," Ma said wistfully.
Ryder caught her looking at them, a smile on her face. She couldn't decide which hurt her heart more, the weary, sad kind of happiness on her mother's face or the grim look in her brother's eyes. They knew, they all knew, in their hearts of hearts this might be the last time they could spend so carefree a time with each other. One way or another, everything was going to change after today for good or for ill. She shook her head inwardly, chasing the thoughts away.
"Let me help," Scott said.
Before long, they were tucking into the meal, chatting about everything and nothing, indulging in anything her mother wanted. The twins exchanged glances as they noticed their mother not being able to eat as much. The medication she took was affected her appetite. It was an unspoken agreement that they feigned hunger and finished the food their mother couldn't. It was a small thing but one their mother seemed to appreciate despite knowing what they were up to.
In the end, the afternoon found both Scott and Sara pressed up against their mother, one on each side as their mother ran fingers through their hair. She spoke of their childhood, of shared adventures, of all their little mishaps that were infuriating then but so amusing now. They listened, they protested, and they laughed Eventually their mother was dozing, but they kept still. Ryder wanted to imprint this memory into her brain as best as she could, taking in as much her senses could give her.
It was a delicate dance between what could be said, what could be asked without turning the entire atmosphere depressing. All she wanted was the day to go well for her mother.
Today have to be prefect.
Ryder pulled herself from her mother's arms, soothing her back to sleep with a couple pats on the back. It was a gesture she remembered her mother doing when she was ill. Now, to be able to return the favour was bittersweet.
Sitting in the room, the light inhale and exhale of breath from the frail form on the bed. Dust motes drifted gently in the air against the evening light. The light painted the world yellow. A colour that aged her reality in a space of a blink.
She sighed and stood, she had to wash up and set the table for dinner. Scott had left to pick up Pa from the docks. Barring no traffic issues, they would be home in less than an hour.
It was so mundane, cleaning up, washing the plates, taking deliver of food and tidying the place up. Ryder could almost come to enjoy a life of domesticity, in another galaxy far away from everything she knew. Giving up her Alliance career was easy, she never relished being a solider despite being good at it. It was just an outlet for her to be her true self and be appreciated for it. Giving up her friendships, leaving them behind would be hard. And that also meant giving up on the stolen Prothean artifact and making her friends' deaths mean something.
Will their ghosts forgive me?
"Sara?"
The voice jarred her from her thoughts. It was her mother, stumbling out of her room, bracing herself against the wall. Ryder hurried over and settled her mother onto the couch. Even that little walk had rendered her breathless and wheezing. The oxygen tank was quickly deployed and her mother pressed the mask against her face as she panted.
"Are you ok?"
Her mother nodded, a shaky hand patting her thigh. Ryder bit her lip and held still. It took long minutes before her mother put the mask down. "I'm fine. It's just a little flare up. Just like before."
Ryder tightened the valve on the tank and nodded.
"Where's Scott?"
"He's gone to pick Pa up."
Her mother cocked her head and frowned, confusion and fear flashed across her face. The pause lingered a little too long to be natural, but in the end she nodded. "Yes, yes. I'm sure he will be back soon. We should set the table."
Ryder bit her tongue and made no mention of it. "I've done it, just rest and take it easy."
"Your Pa likes to have a cold beer when he comes back from missions. Did we get any delivered?"
Her chest ached. For her to lose time even when she was off the medication that gave her these problems just hammered home the fact, time was truly running out. "I'll order it now. The store will send out a delivery drone. Just sit down, ok?"
Her mother nodded absently, looking at her surroundings like it was all new to her. Ryder turned away, shoving the welling emotions away. She could feel them all later. Meanwhile, she put her mind to the task.
Ma drifted in and out of years. Ryder watched over and over again as the fear and confusion took over. Each time she reached over and squeezed her mother's hand and told her, "You're home, you're safe, we're just having a meal."
"Ok," she replied, a breathless gasp of relief each time.
Scott ate silently, even their father managed to look pained. Ryder had lost all her appetite, lunch had settled poorly in her guts.
"Why did you take her out of the hospice?" Pa hissed.
"We're supposed to talk," Scott replied. "Sara had gone to talk to Ma about the Andromeda plan. She hadn't told me what Ma said."
Their mother was away in the washroom. All eyes were on Ryder. She shifted in her seat. What am I supposed to do now? What if Ma never comes back to the present again? What does this mean?
She took a deep breath. "I've spoken to her and I wanted you all to hear for yourselves. But since..."
"Get on with it Sara," her father barked. "I have to catch the last shuttle out and be back to the station."
She blinked. "I told you what today is for. You still want to rush back to your precious AI? You don't even want to spend time with Ma?"
"We will be able to spend more time together as a family once we have the cure. The cure is everything. You saw how bad she is now."
She shot Scott a look, and he kept his lips pressed tight. Fuck, fine, I'm on this on my own. "Ma said no."
"Why would she say that? She is a fighter, she wanted to live. She'd never say no."
Ryder glared at her father. "Are you saying I'm lying?" The words were clipped and curt.
"No, what Pa is saying is—"
She whirled and levelled her stare at her brother. "Are you saying I'm lying?" she repeated, louder this time.
"No, but—"
"Let me repeat myself, Ma said no. She don't want to lose her todays for an unknown tomorrow. Given her state, she'd have to go into cryo early. We don't know how it would affect her in her condition. AEND is rare. There is no guarantee you'll have the cure for her when you get to Andromeda."
Scott's face reddened while their father recoiled like she had just drew a gun on him. Frustration, incredulity and shame flashed across their faces. Where Scott looked chagrin, Pa was angry.
"The AI will work," he growled. "I just need more time."
"You don't know that."
They jerked around to find Ellen Ryder standing at the hallway looking at them. She braced herself against the wall and shuffled towards them. Her steps determined and grim despite being a little unsteady. Ryder hurried over and had her arms out just in case she stumbled.
"Ellen," her father exhaled, his voice sounded so weary.
Scott hovered nearby. He kept his arms folded across his chest. The awkwardness and painful dinner conversation was replaced by tension so thick Ryder could cut it.
"No, Alec. I won't do this. I've let you gone on this wild goose chase for far too long. I've lost so much time with my family. I've lost so much time with you," she reached out, a shaking hand towards her husband.
He reached out and grabbed it, his grip white-knuckled tight. "No, Ellen. Please. I can't..." He ducked his head, anguish twisting his features as he ripped his hand away from hers and pressed it over his face.
Ryder felt she was intruding. She shouldn't be seeing this. This was private, not for her eyes. Hands tightening over her arms, she glanced at Scott. His gaze stricken, his mouth half opened with words hovering at the tip of his tongue. "No, Ma. You can't give up now."
It shattered the silent tug of war between their parents. Their mother's gaze softened when she turned to Scott, a slight crease between her brow, a quiver on her lips. "Please Scott, I'm tired. I really am. I've hung on for so long. You are all grown, both of you. People with full lives ahead of you. I might not be there with you all the time but you know I'll always wish I could."
"But you could, just give this a try."
"Scott, you don't know what you're asking. Please, just—"
Both men, father and son went back and forth, slinging pleas and half baked ideas as if they were facts. In the end, Ryder snapped.
"Stop!" she cried, rounding to her mother's side and wrapping an arm around her. "Ma has made her wishes clear, more than fucking clear. Who are we to demand she try and try again? It's her life for her to decide how she wants to face the end. It's our job to respect her wishes." As painful as it is to us.
Pa stiffened, a scowl rapidly forming on his face. Scott flinched as if slapped, his eyes blazed with pained anger. And they were focused on her. Ryder would take it if that was what it took. Her mother pressed against Ryder's side trembled, from weariness or from grief she couldn't tell. Scott stood abruptly and brushed his hand over his face. Without another word, he disappeared into his room. She imagined he would have slammed the door if that was possible.
"Pa." A single word hovered between them. "Please."
It was a question, understanding being sought, but Ryder saw the shutters coming down over his gaze. "Ellen, we'll talk more about this. Once I have things settled on Theia station, I'll be back."
Alec Ryder, decorated N7, fled.
Ryder jerked, moving to grab hold of him. What the fuck does that mean? I'll be back. Ma is here now, you're here now. Where the fuck are you going?
But a slight tug against her sleeve made her stop. She turned to her mother, the person who bore the weight of the entire family on her shoulders. "Are you all right? I can get him back. This is fucked up. I will make them see."
"Let him go," her mother whispered, legs buckling under exhaustion and stress.
Ryder was quick to help her to the sofa. Her mother exhaled, a breath filled with so much and yet held so little. "Your father don't deal with such things well. He is very bad at letting go when he got an idea into his head. He was so with you, and now with me."
She blinked. "What do you mean with me?"
Her mother shook her head, eyelids dropping. "I don't feel so good, Sara. Maybe it's time I go back home."
Ryder's guts clenched. But you are home. The words stood at the tip of her tongue but she swallowed them, like all the unspent frustration and disappointment. "Ok, let's get you back."
And like that, time passed. Ellen Ryder drifted in her mind more and more often. The doctors told her the stress had exacerbated her illness. She barely saw Scott around. It was like he returned home after she had gone to bed, and left before she woke. It was no different than living in a home with an invisible man.
Their father disappeared like he always did, a ghost in truth and in name. And so Ryder picked up the pieces, taking a leave of absence from work despite having healed up. She glanced at her omni-tool, the approval had just came in. Tagged along with the official paperwork was Shepard's own message.
"Family is hard. Hang in there, Ryder. Don't worry about your team, we're taking good care of them."
She took a deep breath and read the rest of the messages the crew had been sending her. Solarin, Díaz and Teo had send her holos of the stupid antics they had been getting up to, usually with Ashley in the background yelling at them. Ashley herself had picked a bunch of choice poems and sent it along.
It helped. It all did but in this, she had to go alone.