Ryder sat in the mess alone. The Prothean artifact secured somewhere on the Normandy. She shuddered as memories of Shepard frozen in place with her eyes rolled back into her head flashed in her mind's eyes. It was terrifying to see the Commander like that. As soon as they boarded the Normandy, Shepard was quickly taken to the med-bay. Alenko was with her for all of ten minutes before he came storming out, issuing orders left and right in her stead.
The Normandy left Illium and they headed back to Citadel, so that the artifact could be dropped off. T'Soni would accompany it and would probably attempt to secure the permission to study it.
She sighed, rubbing her forehead. "It's over."
Yet, it felt like such a lacklustre ending. Logically, Ryder comprehended what Shepard had told her, but she still felt like she owed the dead something. What that was, she had no idea.
Williams eyed Ryder through the spaces between the tines of her fork. "What's going on in that head of yours? I thought this would give you some closure."
"I don't know, I thought it would too," she said, grasping at straws to put how she felt into words. "It's just… I thought once I got this done I'd know what I want to do next."
"Next?"
"My brother is joining the Andromeda Initiative once his early discharge is approved."
Williams blinked. "And you figure once this is done you will have it all figured out?"
"Something like that."
Williams sighed, putting her fork down. "Life is messy as fuck. Sometimes circumstances will be forced upon you, but it will not hand you a decision on a plate."
Ryder scratched at her eyebrow. "I know." Her voice small and dejected. "Everything feels undone and half finished."
"That's because life goes on everywhere whether you're here or not. The Normandy will still fly, Shepard will still have crazy plans, there will always be Geth outposts to clear out. Life doesn't have neat bows to endings, that only happens in stories."
Williams reached out to grip her hand. It felt warm and firm. Ryder squeezed back. "Whatever you decide, commit to it fully, completely." Ryder could only nod. "Now, if you mind doing me a favour, take the tray in to the Skipper," she said.
With a sharp clap against Ryder's shoulder, Williams disappeared towards the sleeping quarters. She stood and picked the tray of food up. It was piled high with the sugary sweet biotics drinks, typical for post-combat missions, along with ration bars of the worst flavours. Why does Shepard like these? She'd never understand.
If Ryder had known the toll taking on the beacon's message would take on Shepard, she would have never asked for it. She had no business making that request. Whatever the beacon did, it looked rough. She was thankful Williams and Alenko had looked out for Shepard.
The med-bay's door slid open smoothly. Ryder stepped in to find T'Soni seated next to Shepard. Her eyes were pitch black, her fingers placed gently against Shepard's temples. They were locked in a meld. The LT hovered anxiously close by. Judging by the crease across Shepard's brow and sheen of sweat coating her face, it didn't look particularly relaxing.
Chakwas waved Ryder over, taking the tray from her. "Thank you, I was about to send someone for it. I'll make sure the Commander eats later."
She couldn't help but stared. "How is she?"
"The Commander?" Chakwas sighed. "This is old hat for her now. Liara's helping her sort through the images the beacon had given her. These beacons has a way of scrambling one's mind. Thankfully, Shepard is used to it."
T'Soni dropped her hands and braced against Shepard's bed. "I think that's all I can do for now." She stepped away shakily, almost tripping.
Shepard's eyes snapped open and reached out to steady her. "Careful, you don't want to crack your skull open."
T'Soni chuckled. "No, we don't want that. Providing fodder for Joker isn't the best idea."
Chakwas took the tray over and asked, "How are you feeling?"
"Like I have the worst hangover."
The doctor laughed. "Trust you to take this so lightly. Now eat and drink, I know you've used your biotics earlier. I'll be by with some painkillers and a mild sedative."
Ryder took that as her cue and left. But not before wondering about the odd tension that always seemed to fill the room when the Commander and the LT shared the same space.
Ryder grunted, shifting in her pod, trying to find a comfortable position. She felt warm, much too warm for sleep, her muscles sore from the mission protested as she tossed and turned trying to find a cool spot. Even her blanket suddenly felt too scratchy.
The team complained earlier about not being to go on the heist-mission, and that she hoarded all the fun. It was all good natured ribbing, but she wasn't feel up to the teasing and begged off for an early night. In truth, she wanted some time alone after getting a message from Scott. Headphones clamped over her ears as she attempted to block everyone else out. Music poured into her head as she stabbed at her omni-tool
Would you follow me into the night
If I held the lantern up
Would you leave all that we know behind
If a new world waits for us
The message didn't come as a surprise. She was expecting it after all, just not quite so soon.
Hey, I don't want to pressure you or anything but Pa is talking about selling our place on the Citadel and all that. So you know… you might need to put all your stuff into storage…Ryder scrubbed her face and grimaced. Her world was literally shifting under her feet. First, her mother was gone, not even one month buried and now Scott had finalised his plans to go on a one way trip with their father to Andromeda.
Her fingers ran across her omni-tool as she typed a reply to Scott.
Do you know when that will be? I've got to get time to pack it all up. Or maybe you can just put it all into storage for me.She waited, for a reply, staring at the animation on the screen. As much as she wanted to speak to Scott, to make sure he wasn't just making this decision in the spur of the moment, she didn't want to at the same time.
All this time, her mother had been their anchor. A solid fixed point that all of them revolved around. With her gone, the three of them were scattering. And now her childhood home was going to be sold, Ryder couldn't help hating the sinking feeling in her guts.
Am I really going to stay here by myself?
On one hand, she had a career that was taking off, she loved being on the Normandy, getting recognition for her abilities and putting them to use. Solarin, Teo and Díaz were her team, she was responsible for them. Shepard, Williams and Alenko were her mentors, willing to teach her and help her grow in ways she hadn't before.
But Scott… He was her blood, her brother, her twin.
Her omni-tool buzzed and she tapped at it reflexively. Scott's message popped up.
As soon as my position in the Initiative I'll be listing the place up for sale. And everything will be handled by the realtor. Pa told me I'll have to get my ass down to Theia station for training. I'm really excited, Sara. A whole new galaxy, new worlds to discover, new people to meet. If you want, I can pack the things up for you, as long as you don't mind your older brother entering your room.Ryder sighed. His excitement was palpable and she was jealous. His decision made her to doubt her path in life. Without the Initiative in the picture, she had only one path to take. As a biotic, it was pretty much the only legit career for her unless she wanted to join one of the merc companies. Combat, heatsinks, blood, adrenaline, that was all there was for her.
Finger swiping at the screen to dismiss it. She couldn't find the words to reply him. In her inbox sat another unread mail. She sighed and rubbed at her eyes. It was her re-enlistment papers. Her first tour of duty was almost up, it was time to decide if she wanted to reenlist.
This was going nowhere.
Groaning, she threw her covers off and swung her legs out of the pod. As she slid the cover open, she was surprised to find the sleeping quarters darkened. How long have I been in there? Hours apparently. With a soft thump, she landed lightly on her feet.
"Fuck." She made her way to the mess.
It wasn't empty. Shift C was in full swung. Someone sat at the table, their back towards her. Ryder approached, and it was quickly became clear who it was. The telltale red braided hair, the red strip running down one sleeve, there was only one person who had that jacket.
"Commander," she greeted, not wanting to startle Shepard.
Shepard didn't turn, she just grunted. Her head braced against a hand, her eyes squeezed shut.
"Are you ok? Should I get Chakwas?"
"No," she said, the word snapped with the bite of command. Her eyes opened, chartreuse dulled by exhaustion. "Just get me another cup of tea." She pushed and the cup slid across the table.
Ryder took two quick steps to stop it from clattering against the floor. The cup was empty, a wet brown tea bag sat sadly at the bottom of it. It was easy enough to pop a fresh one in, hot water followed quickly after. She made two cups, placing the first before Shepard.
The Commander sipped at the cup before the tea was even steeped, hissing at the heat of the water. "This is turning into some kind of habit," she remarked.
Ryder cringed. "I could go…"
Shepard just patted the seat beside her, but Ryder took the chair opposite her. "Shouldn't you be in the med—"
The haze of exhaustion receded instantly as Shepard levelled her eyes at her. Ryder's words just trailed off. She gulped.
"I have had enough of the med-bay. I can sleep in my quarters and I do not need to explain myself to you, Ryder," Shepard pointed out.
Ryder bobbed her head quickly and drank to hide the searing hot flush creeping up her face. "Sorry, Commander."
Shepard waved a limp hand at her. "Sorry, my temper's short cause the beacon scrambled my head."
"About that, thank you."
An eyebrow rose. "What for?"
"You could have just choose to destroy the beacon. You didn't have to do… whatever it was you did."
Shepard chuckled. "Ryder, as much as I like you, I don't submit my brain for re-adjustment just for your sake. We needed the information in the beacon, any Prothean beacon. Maybe you believe what I've been telling the Council, maybe you don't, but the Reapers are coming."
Right at the edge of Shepard's voice, there was something she couldn't quite mask behind a facade of confidence and strength, ran a silver of fear. But as suddenly it appeared, the Commander straightened and shook herself out of it. A grimace twisted her lips. "Can't sleep?"
Ryder sighed, taking another sip. "Yeah I've been talking to my brother."
"Oh?" Shepard cocked her head, loose strands of hair fell over her eyes.
"He's joining the Initiative."
"To go? Or just to help out in the pre-launch phase?"
"To go, with my father."
Shepard sighed. "I see the problem now. I know your re-enlistment is up too." One hand pushing her hair back, those green eyes regarded her. "So you have a big decision to make."
Ryder nodded ruefully. "I don't know what to choose. I like being here, on the Normandy, working with everyone. I've worked hard and finally found a place I belong and now my brother, the only family I have had left, is leaving the fucking galaxy."
Shepard snorted. "Now when you put it that way, he seems to be out to ruin your life." She chuckled when she saw the horror on Ryder's face. "I know that's not what you mean. But think of it this way, which can't you live without? Your brother or your career? Take it from me, jobs can be had anywhere, family not so much."
Ryder's fingers tightened around her cup, the heat pricked at her skin. "But…"
"I know it's fun on the Normandy," Shepard grinned.
"Fun… doesn't really always include bullets and certain death."
"Come on, those are table stakes here on the Normandy."
"Touché."
Shepard leaned forward, eyes boring into hers. "I can't tell you what the right decision is. Only you can decide that for yourself. But know that if you want it, you'll always have a place here. If your father is being an asshole, well you know where you can tell him to stick it."
Ryder laughed. The image was too improbable to contemplate.
Shepard joined in. Their laughter rang out louder than appropriate for the hour. But who was going to reprimand the Commander for laughing on her own ship. The smirk she flashed made Ryder straighten her spine, wanting to live up to the faith the Commander had in her. Shepard sighed, rubbing at her forehead, weariness crashing back over her face like a wave. "All right, this Commander is taking herself to bed. Ryder, you do you."
Ryder sat and watched her leave. Gait slower than usual but feet still sure and back straight. She grimaced and tossed back the rest of her tea like it was whisky.
Ryder wandered the decks and finally stopped at the Bridge. This was Joker's territory, one that she never felt comfortable enough to venture in before. But Joker was off shift, and it was manned by Saabira now. She tipped her head at Ryder.
"Hey," Ryder greeted.
For a while, she just stood there and watched as Saabira wondering how she could make her request. But when the silence got awkward, Saabira asked, "Can I help you?"
Ryder took her opening. "Actually you can," she said. "Can you open the shuttles just for a little while? I just want to see the outside."
Saabira cocked her head, frowning slightly. "That's against regulations."
Ryder knew that, she had hoped just for a little glimpse. "Sorry," she said, grimacing and already turning away. "I'll go—"
"But… I can make an exception," Saabira interrupted. "Just don't tell on me." A couple of keystrokes later, the black opaque shielding that separated them from hard vacuum flickered off. It wasn't a window per se but a scene of the outside projected onto the inside of the shielding, rendering it like a window. High definition, no lag and with the best sort of dynamic range credits could buy.
The inky black expanse stretched out before her eyes, interspersed with speckles of light. Like a blank canvas slowly coming to life as The Normandy hurtled through space. Light resolved into space stations, planets and stars. The emptiness didn't scare her. It held potential, it promised of possibilities, it was the open road. For a moment she could imagine feeling the air through her hair as she rode on her motorbike when she visited Earth.
Take care of your brother… Her mother's voice echoed in her head.
There was only one way of doing that. Ryder sighed, her vision of the outside blurred.
…you don't have to be fighting pirates all the time.
Her breath quickened, her grip tightened over the top of Saabira's chair. Below her feet the ground had fallen away, she stood at the crossroads, frozen with indecision. She wasn't as limited in her choices as she first assumed. Something in her chest tugged, she pressed her hand against it. Fear, uncertainty and apprehension coiled around her heart.
To stay.
Normandy, Delta, Shepard…
Or to go.
Scott…
"Ryder," Saabira called out. "You have enough of this black mess?" A hand gesturing at the play of purple, green and blue before them.
Ryder nodded. It took effort to pull herself away as the images flickered away. As the Normandy glided under Saabira's hand towards the Citadel, carrying precious cargo, she made her way back to the sleeping pods with no clearer a decision. But with the artifact delivered, it would close one chapter of her career. What was next remained uncertain.
Alliance scientists and an armed escort boarded the ship to pick up the artifact. Ryder swore she saw Shepard shuddered as the artifact passed her, a hand went unconsciously to her forehead. And just like that, the artifact that started it all was gone.
An ending that whimpered out, an ending that went unchronicled, an ending that nobody cared about but her.
Cerberus might have been after her all this time, to blackmail her father, but the artifact was the other half of the equation in her story. If Shepard had Elysium, she had Janus.
Ryder sighed and turned away, finding Shepard's eyes on her. She offered the Commander a smile, a stiffer one than her usual, but genuine all the same. A weight released from her shoulders while a new one took its place.
"Shore leave," Shepard called out. "24 hours, in shifts. Check with your CO for more information."
Ryder looked at her omni-tool which beeped. It was the schedule. She returned to the pods. Teo, Solarin and Díaz pressed for their slots as soon as they saw her. "So, who's going first?" Teo asked.
"Teo, you and Díaz are up first, then me and Solarin in the later shift," she decided. "Anyone who needs the earlier shift just go swap between yourselves."
Teo and Díaz eagerly changed into their civvies and headed out. Solarin pulled together a basket full of clothes. "Doing laundry?" Ryder asked.
"Might as well as a head start on it. I can look spiffy when I drop by Dark Star," she practically purred.
"Meeting someone?"
"Nah, Ryder. Alliance military, a relationship isn't for me. Just a quick fuck during shore leave, cuddling for a couple of hours, I'm good. My drones are my wives."
Ryder chuckled. "About that, I've put in the requests for the upgraded versions of your wives."
"Sweet," Solarin grinned. "Can't wait to get my hands on them."
The Citadel was winding down when she stepped off the ship. Parents with their children in tow queuing for skycars. Couples holding hands strolling down the wide paths of the Presidium, whispering sweet nothings to each other. Ryder was the only one dressed in Alliance uniform cutting through the crowd, heading towards a nearby food stall to grab something before heading home.
Home.
The word made her throat tightened. It merely reminded her of what wasn't there anymore.
As soon as she hit the holo-lock with her palm she realised what was different. The silence hung heavily like a blanket, shutting out all other sounds. Evening sun beams coloured everything into hues of oranges and reds, like it was all on fire.
Glancing at the kitchen, she caught a flicker of shadow. Her breath hitched. Irrationally, hope flared, she didn't bother removing her shoes before stepping towards the kitchen, but it was empty.
Of course, it's empty.
Ryder sighed, disappointment welling up in her chest. She dropped her packed meal onto the table.
"That you Sara?" Scott called out.
"Yeah," pulling her boots off before heading into the room to see him.
"Hey," he said, leaning against the door way, his arms opened.
Ryder stepped into it and hugged her brother. He felt warm, he was here, but he was leaving for good. Her eyes couldn't help seeing the half filled boxes strewn across his room. Stiffening, she broke the embrace. "How's the packing going?"
"Badly as you can tell," he groaned, "It's hard to pack up 20 years into a few boxes."
Yeah, it's impossible.
Ryder nodded. The pair ended up on the floor, eating and packing at the same time. Remembering, laughing, weeping in that space where they grew up together. She didn't know it then but in the span of those few hours, she had decided what to do in her heart of hearts. It just took her mind a few more weeks to catch up.
Lyrics taken from A New World by Runaway Symphony