June 2008

It was late when Hap was done at the warehouse. Too late to call. He had half a mind to go wake up Sara for clarification on her package. Frustrated, he hopped on his bike and headed north. He was needed in Tacoma.

He knew that he had too much time to think on the road and his mind would go to all the places it shouldn't, but he was glutton for punishments of his own creation. He rode through the night and the sun was just high enough to start burning off the morning dew when he pulled into his apartment parking spot. Sure enough, he had spent the entire drive overanalyzing and had come to the following conclusion: Sara was most definitely leaving him.

He knew it. He just knew in his heart that she was done.

Maybe she had heard through the grapevine about some less-than-savory blowjobs he'd received recently. It wasn't like he fucked them, and he certainly wasn't going to put his mouth on theirs knowing that they'd suck off any man with a kutte. What if she'd found out and had gone out and retaliated with some fucking loser at some bar? His blood boiled at the thought. He hadn't felt bad about it until he spent a night drive running and rerunning scenarios in his head about how upset she would be.

Maybe she'd found out about that young guy he'd killed last month. The guy found out too much about the Irish guns coming in and was stupid enough to try to blackmail SAMTAC with the info he had. Kid tried to get a cut of the money. Happy had shot him without a second thought, and buried the body outside the city just across county lines. He'd tossed the kid's wallet off a bridge into a river but not before checking his license. He was 20. Just a kid. Couldn't even buy his own beer. Happy hadn't felt bad until he realized Sara would probably be upset by loss of life.

Maybe she'd finally realized what every other chick he'd ever remotely entertained had realized. He was just fucked up. He had issues—deep issues that he hadn't really ever bothered to figured out. Why was everyone else so hung up on killing people? It wasn't hard for him. It never had been. He hadn't felt bad until he realized that he was too fucked up to be saved and that he wasn't worth her time. He loved her second to only one other woman— and that was the woman who brought him into the world—and here she was ready to walk away; ready to just throw in the towel and move somewhere else.

Why hadn't she looked for somewhere closer to Charming? Or even in Tacoma? If she was going to move again why was she moving FURTHER away, to fucking Los Angeles of all places. He hated LA.

Heartbroken, tired, and sore Happy dragged himself into his apartment. He went through the motions of removing his clothes and unpacking his duffle. He took a Xanax. He started towards his bed but as an afterthought, he grabbed his kutte and fished out the black lace tucked in the interior pocket. With a sigh he collapsed on his bed and fell asleep, the delicate material still between his fingers. His last fleeting thought circled the drain of his consciousness… Who would he be without her? What was the point?

Happy woke up to his phone ringing a few hours later. Lee. A groggy grunt was the closest thing to a greeting he could muster.

"How was Charming?"

"Fine." Happy replied irritably. He fought a yawn and waited for his President to go on.

"You've been racking up the miles. I know you got a girl there and all, but it ain't a quick ride. Just don't want you burning yourself out just for some gash in California." Happy scoffed and ignored the insult.

"I've been helping out Redwood." Happy defended roughly.

"Clay's been singing your praises." Lee hummed in agreement.

"Then we don't got a problem."

"Take the day, brother." Panic filled him. He didn't need more time. More time meant more thinking. It wasn't healthy for him to have too much time on his hands.

"Don't need it." Happy urged.

"Well, take it anyway. I expect you back at work tomorrow." Happy grunted and hung up, tossing his phone in agitation. Well, fuck. Now what was he supposed to do all day?

"Hey Happy." Sara greeted when the line connected. She closed her front door behind her and set her work bag down on the couch. She had been nervous all day. He hadn't said anything about her acceptance letter, just a quick text the night before about looking forward to seeing her in the thong. "Back in Tacoma?"

"Yea." His gruff voice filled the line but gave nothing away. She made her way into the kitchen and leaned on the counter nervously.

"Not working?" She asked. She'd been surprised when he answered. Normally he'd be working still, either at the Tacoma garage or club business.

"Sara, just fucking tell me; what's going on?" Leave it to Happy to cut through the bullshit.

"I applied to grad school."

"Saw that."

"I got in."

"Saw that too."

"That's everything."

"Bullshit. You leavin' me?" He replied coldly.

"What? No! What? Happy… I'm not… Why would you even think that?" Words poured from her startled mouth. She was appalled that he would even think that.

"Why the fuck wouldn't I? You gave me a goddamn acceptance letter to a school we ain't never talked about in a city we ain't never talked about you moving to." Happy snapped. Holy shit. He was really bent out of shape about this, she realized.

"I didn't want to say anything because I wasn't sure I would get in." She mumbled with an embarrassed sigh, confused as to how this whole situation spun out of proportion. She was supposed to be happy and excited… and here she was trying to appease her boyfriend. For a sad moment she heard, 'per usual' rattle around in her head.

"I didn't even know you were thinkin' 'bout it."

"It just kinda… came up. A co-worker recommended the program to me and it just kinda snowballed from there. I honestly didn't think I'd get in."

"It just kind of snowballed? Sara, we talk almost every fucking day and you couldn't drop that in at some point?"

"Happy, you don't tell me all of the details of your life." She shot back snootily, surprised by her own attitude.

"That's different and you know it." He finally stated with a finality she wasn't used to hearing from him. She had bitten her tongue enough times in front of the other guys that she was surprised she even had one anymore. But this was just them. She wasn't backing down.

"No, its not. You get to keep all of these goddamn secrets from me, and run off in the middle of the night to God knows where to do God knows what—"

"—Careful, Sara—" He warned but it only incensed her further.

"NO! You be fucking careful, Hap! You're so worried I'm gonna leave you, but you're the one that is ALWAYS LEAVING ME." She exploded, wiping her cheeks even though he wouldn't be able to see the tear-streaks on her face. The sudden wave of emotion embarrassed her but she couldn't get it to stop. It just bubbled and bubbled up in her stomach until she felt a burn in her throat. It took a moment to swallow the lump but "You always fucking leave, Happy. Even when I think I'm going to get you to myself for a couple days, sometime always comes up… and you leave. Every. Single. Time." Her voice was shaking; she was beyond even pretending she wasn't crying. She hadn't realized how badly she had been affected by his leaving until now. Her heart hurt with the weight of her anger.

"Sara, it's my job. You know that... You've know that the whole time; where is this coming from?" He choked out softly. She assumed he was trying to be comforting but his own distress was evident and guilt flooded her. Sara fought to swallow a sob. With a sigh she slid down the lower cabinet until she was curled up on the floor.

"I'm just sick of watching you choose the club. I know that its your family and your job, I get that. Doesn't mean I like being reminded that I'm at the bottom of your priorities."

"Is that really what you fucking think?"

"What else am I supposed to think?" She argued dramatically.

"Sara, you know I fucking love you. I don't say that shit to just anybody." He argued.

"I know you don't. I just don't know if you really mean it." She whispered sadly.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Happy inquired genuinely perplexed by her doubt. So far as he was concerned, she knew how badly he cared for her. She'd always known; he hadn't needed the words for her to understand.

"Nevermind, Hap. Let's just… Let's just take some time to think before either of us says something we will regret."

"Oh, like you saying I don't fucking love you?" He snapped sarcastically. "Look, if you're gonna end this shit then just do it and don't be a little bitch about it. You don't need to try to let me down gently or some shit."

"Is that what you want?" She asked softly, tired from the emotional catharsis. "You want to break up?"

"I just don't want to be jerked around by my dick by someone with one foot out the fucking door."

"This is why I wanted to have this conversation in person." She sighed miserably. "You're jumping to conclusions."

"Well, that's your own damn fault for leaving a fucking letter." He argued.

"No, its your fault for choosing the club over me. Again." She snapped. Her fingers pinched the bridge of her nose tightly and sighed. One of them would need to wave the white flag and she knew in this case it would need to be her. He felt cornered and he became highly reactive when pushed into corners.

"Happy, all I wanted was to talk about options. I'm not sure where your fatalistic break-up bullshit came from but I can't talk about this anymore right now. Just call me whenever you're ready to talk about this with a level head." She waited for a response but only heard a loud exhale before the line went dead.

Well, fuck.

"Thought you were laying low today?" Kozik's voice chimed from the barstool beside him.

"The fuck did you hear that?" Happy growled. Kozik snorted at his friend's bristly response.

"Relax, killa, Lee mentioned it to me when I asked if you'd be in to help finish some of the cars in the garage."

"Needed to blow off some steam." Happy responded darkly, sipping his whiskey and watching the sweetbutt stripping on the pool across the room. Kozik followed his line of vision.

"Trouble in paradise?" Kozik inquired returning his gaze to his brother with a raised brow.

"I think she's gonna leave me."

"Wouldn't be surprised, she's always been too good for you." Kozik snorted and ordered a beer. He caught Happy's sullen look. "Oh shit, you're serious. Sorry man. I … I didn't mean anything by that."

"Not wrong." Happy admitted somberly.

"Brother, it was a joke. A bad one." Kozik tried to dismiss. "What's going on?"

"She's applying to gradschool." Happy declared and Kozik held his breath waiting for more. After a beat his brows furrowed in confusion.

"…that's it?"

"What do you mean, 'that's it', she's fucking leaving to go to LA to go get some fancy degree or some shit."

"…so? What am I missing here? She gonna have to blow her professors? Strip to pay her tuition? She going to some catholic school where they take vows of celibacy?" Kozik teased. Happy rolled his eyes.

"You wouldn't fucking get it."

"Bro, my ex-wife gave me gonorrhea, took my kid, and sent me divorce papers. I'd kill for her to have just gone to grad school. If that's your biggest problem, you guys are fine." Kozik shrugged casually to play down his admission, but Happy knew how much Jenn leaving had hurt him. He'd been there, he remembered how hard it'd been for Koz to stay clean. They'd had Kendra when they were young and gotten married. After amicably splitting up for a few years, they tried to make it work again but who Koz had become sober wasn't the same man he'd been as an addict. Jenn still wanted to party, despite having a kid. Happy hadn't really understood the attachment at the time but now, drowning in heartbreak and confusion, he felt a new vein of pity for his friend.

"I just know its gonna be the end if she goes. She's gonna realize that she can do better. Get a normal guy whose probably a lawyer or a businessman."

"Hey you used to be a businessman." Kozik teased and Happy snorted rolling his eyes knowing the reference his friend was making; Happy's first arrest had been in high school for selling drugs when he was 17.

"She's starting to want out of the life, man. She says she's sick of coming second to the club."

"First of all, wanting out and wanting more of your time are two different things. But surely none of that was a surprise." Kozik stated with a dismissive nod. Happy looked at him surprised. "What? You do choose the club over her. I don't blame you man, I get it. You and Lee have some father-son bond thing going, so I get it. I'm just saying, I get how she feels too."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Say no? I mean not to the big shit, obviously, but you don't need to be on all these runs or security details. We got guys, man. You're the only one that is making yourself do them."

"I need the money." Happy defended automatically.

"Do you? Because honestly, I've seen your apartment and it ain't like your dumping money into that pit." Happy stayed quite for a moment staring into the amber liquid in his glass.

"Next excuse?" Kozik prompted snapping his fingers. Happy glared before sighing.

"She doesn't believe I mean it when I say I love her."

"Do you?"

"What?"

"Mean it."

"What the fuck, man?"

"What? I'm just asking. Why the fuck would I know that?"

"…yes, I fucking mean it. At least I think I do. I've never… felt the way I do about her, for anyone else. Ever."

"Well, then make sure she believes it."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"You'll figure it out if you don't want to lose her." Kozik wisely imparted with a pointed look. He clapped his brother's shoulder and took his beer to the pool tables, leaving Happy to mull over his words.

A/N: Never underestimate a person's ability to make an issue out of nothing at all. Insecurities, man. They get the best of us. Is Happy out of line? Is Sara being too passive? Should she leave on principle alone? Should she stay and give up her future? So many choices, reader. Enjoy. Review and let me know your thoughts.