June 2008
Beams of early light streamed in between the parted shades. Happy squinted in the bright light. He sighed as reality rushed back. Grad school. The fight with Sara. Kozik.
"Fuck." He groaned to himself, rubbing a hand over his head and winced at the sensation. He needed to shave it. He needed to do a lot of things. He'd spent a good portion of the night wallowing in drink while simultaneously trying to decode Kozik's words. It was embarrassing how stumped he was. He'd never needed to "show" someone his love. His ma knew. And his brothers knew. Why did she need to be so difficult? How was he supposed to convince her he loved her?
Refusing to lay in bed all morning, he dragged himself into the bathroom and took his meds. His anxiety had been off the charts for a few days and he couldn't quell the unease in his gut. Usually he centered himself by throwing himself into club business but somehow that didn't seem like it would help much on this front. After being forced to take a day, he was going crazy.
An old, familiar feeling in his gut told him he should clean his apartment. What if that was why everything was falling apart? Dread filled him and he tried to push the thoughts from his head. No. None of that made sense. He couldn't start that again. A few deep breaths and reminding himself that the intrusive thoughts weren't going to control him. Not this time. It was a very slippery slope before he'd find himself in therapy with bloody hands again.
After a shower, a lengthy tedious repetitive shave, and a breakfast consisting of black coffee and cigarettes Happy forced himself to lift some weights. He needed a distraction. In the past he'd go get laid or find some drugs. Technically the second option wasn't off the table. A shrill ring cut in to his thoughts. Thank god, club business.
"Yea?" He grunted, setting his weights down and moving towards the kitchen. A glance at the clock showed it was 11:24am. For fucks sake the day was crawling.
"Hap, something came up. Church in an hour." Donut informed. Thank god. Maybe someone needed to die. The thought cheered him up a bit and he started towards his bedroom to change.
"Be there in 20."
An hour later he was in the clubhouse chapel watching smoke swirl up from his lit cigarette as the guys filtered to their seats.
"What's going on?" Someone inquired. Happy observed interactions between the seats by the head with scrutiny. There was a buzz around them. Something was definitely going on. He'd been so busy between his normal duties, helping in Charming, and Sara that he hadn't been as dialed in as he should have been. He hated being uninformed. Without all of the appropriate information he couldn't make decisions. What if he made the wrong decision? Why hadn't he paid more attention? Why hadn't he just cleaned his fucking floors this morning? The beast in his psyche clawed at him gleefully sending sensory radiations down his limbs. His skin crawled and crackled. Focus, just focus.
"You guys know that SAMCRO had us following leads on that rat Harris." Lee started, taking puffs from his cigar. That got his attention. Happy shifted in his seat at the mentioning of Sara's father. "We got a hit on some info. Think he might be in Portland." A few snorts filled the room.
"WitSec put him in Portland? Why not like… Kansas or some dustbowl shit? They're making this easy. Let's go put a bullet in him now and be back before dinner." Bowie sneered. There were some hoots of agreement.
"Well we don't know for sure that he is there." Lee warned but smirked at his men's eagerness. "We also gotta run something like that through SAMCRO, although I think we all know where they are gonna land on this." He stated with a chuckle.
"So what do we need to do?" Kozik asked, taking the words from Happy's mouth. Good. He preferred to listen and knew the Sergeant-At-Arms loved to talk. They'd always made a good team.
"We're gonna talk to SAMCRO. Run everything past them and see if their Intel Officer can find out more. Once its been sanctioned, we take care of it. Gotta plan it though; can't fuck this shit up with Marshals keeping guard." Lee stated matter-of-factly. "We need to make sure that no… unforeseen interferences come up." Lee traced his mustache and looked at Happy pointedly. With the exception of a few smoky coughs, the room was silent.
"She'll be fine." Happy dismissed, although frankly he had no idea how she would feel. If they never spoke again, he'd never find out.
"Well, if this shit goes down, I want you with her that night. I don't care if you gotta keep her on your dick the whole goddamn night, you keep her busy." Lee commanded crassly. Happy bristled at the tactless order and glared at the guys who dared to snicker. It barely registered that before Sara he would have been one of the guys snickering.
"She'll be fine." Happy repeated more firmly. "You know I'm the guy for the Harris job."
"Well, we'll see." Lee dismissed noncommittally. "You don't let a single word of this slip to her, you hear? I don't care if she tries to suck your soul out your cock, you don't say shit."
"Yeah, I don't bring up her Pops much while she sucking my dick..." Happy dryly stated. Lee gave him a dark look that silenced the chortles of the guys. "I hear ya." Happy grumbled. He sucked of his teeth and crossed his arms, but his didn't let stony face didn't betray his annoyance. He was being benched. Anyone could babysit Sara. He should be the one—deserved to be the one to end that rat. Church moved on to their regularly scheduled discussion points. Treasurer reminded everyone club dues were owed that week. Talks of fundraiser rides. Community activities. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.
Happy went through the motions for the rest of the day: working in the garage, grabbing drinks with the guys, shooting a game of pool with Donut. Normally he didn't mind that he couldn't get his little blonde out of his head. Sure, it made for some serious blue balls but generally it didn't bother him. Today though, it was painful. He kept reliving every word they said the night before. With another Xanax and a day of normalcy behind him, his anxiety waned allowing him to think somewhat clearly for the first time in 48 hours.
Maybe Kozik was right. Maybe he had overreacted. Maybe he just needed to hear where she was coming from. He had created a whole narrative in his mind for the way things were going to go down; he never stopped to consider that maybe Sara had written her own narrative, and perhaps she had figured him into this plan of hers.
With the potential end of her rat father on the horizon, a swell of optimism filled him. The death of her father would tie up the loose ends of her previous life in San Bernardino. Her brother seemed to be enjoying the Reno charter so, maybe, with no more strong ties to California she'd be open to relocating. She could close the chapter of her life on California; with her father gone she would be able to move on.
He was still uneasy about being benched for that job, but he'd work on that. It wasn't like she was looking for her dad or anything—she felt just as betrayed as the club did. Besides, her dad was a dick even on his best day. Wasn't like it was some great loss of life.
With an improved attitude he went home and smoked a joint for his nerves. He dialed her number as he grabbed a beer from his small, worn fridge. He eyed the frayed rubber plastic seal around the edge of the fridge door as the phone rang. Leave it alone.
"…hello?" His heart skipped a beat at the sound of her voice. Until now, he'd never understood the tail-between-the-legs attitude men got when making amends with chicks. What a fucking pussy I've become, he thought with an eyeroll.
"Hi, baby." He greeted quietly, worried she might just hang up on him. When she didn't, he took it as his cue to continue. "Sara… I fucked up, baby."
"What do you mean?" She asked defensively. Of course, she was defensive. That was fair, although it made his stomach hurt in a way he'd never felt before. He'd seen her put up her tough façade enough times to know it was an act, but it was the smooth walls holding back the tornado of anger that was spinning in her. He needed to tread lightly.
"I… wasn't... I didn't let you explain anything." Happy admitted gruffly, the admission tasting sour in his mouth. He didn't like admitting he was wrong. Sure, he was pretty self-deprecating in his head, but laying that shit out for someone else just wasn't his thing. He wasn't one of those 'talk about feelings' bullshit losers. Maybe with his brothers but not with a chick. That was just different. Then again, so was she.
Sara hummed in response and Happy sighed. She wasn't going to make this easy.
"Just… tell me about this school. When does it start?"
"Depends. Earliest would be September but there's an option to defer until January." She stated cautiously. Fuck. He hated that she felt like she needed to walk on eggshells. "It's in LA."
"I know." He grumbled. "So when're you leaving?"
"I didn't say I was going anywhere." She snapped. Well, fuck. She was wound tight about this. He took a deep breath and blew it out his nostrils to hold in his annoyance with her attitude.
"Well you can't commute every fucking day."
"I'm not even sure I'm gonna go." She shot back flatly.
"Then why'd you apply?"
"I… I don't know…" She stumbled over her words, taken aback by the question. "I just… I don't know. It's stupid, I don't know. I'm not going. You're right."
"Calm down." He soothed, rolling his eyes. For fucks sake, now he had to convince her to go? "I didn't say not to go, Sara. I asked why you applied."
"It's stupid."
"Well, fortunately I'm not a very smart man." He teased. She scoffed.
"That's not true." She argued but he could practically hear her smile. Hope.
"Tell me."
"I just wanted for a moment to be more than a rat's daughter or some stupid madame of a whorehouse. I'm just… I'm so embarrassed of my past. You're proud of your connection to the club… I'm…not. I know how bad that sounds, I do. I just wanted to be something more. I don't want to just be some bitch associated with the club and reliant on you guys for everything. I'm sure that's fine for a lot of girls, but I'm just… I'm getting sick of it. I want to do good. To help people." She sniffed back the tears that threatened to fall. "Like I said, stupid."
"It's not stupid, Sara. I get it, little girl; just wish you'd told me from the beginning instead of leaving me the letter and letting this shit spiral."
"I wanted to tell you in person." She grumbled. "The club needed you more."
"Watch it." He warned. It admittedly concerned him the way she was talking about the club.
"I just… I want you to be proud of me." She stated, easing the conversation away from her growing misgivings.
"I'm already proud of you." He stated gruffly. "Don't need some fancy degree for that. Shoulda just waited and called me."
"So you could just freak out on the phone like you did anyway?" She scoffed. He practically heard her eyes roll.
"Sara…" He started with a sigh. "You know how I get with the anxiety and shit. I'm a bit fucked in the head."
"No you aren't." She defended. "But even if you were, that's not a good excuse for blowing up and threatening to break up with me when all I wanted was to talk about it."
"I am, Sare. I just assume the worst, and that's you realizing what a fucking loser I am and leaving. I'm really punching above my weight with you, and someday you'll figure that out." He admitted. Knots tightened in his stomach and he felt like he was going to throw up. He'd never told her that shit before. Show her you love her he reminded himself, waiting for her response. What if she thought he was a pussy? What if she thought he was going soft?
"I'm not better than you, Hap." She stated gently. He scoffed. "Ran a whorehouse, remember?" She teased somewhat self-deprecatingly, which he was grateful for.
"I'm sorry I left the note. I guess I just don't like sharing you." She teased. "Even with a bunch of men."
"Nothing to be jealous of there." He snorted. She hummed but kept her opinions to herself.
"Why LA?" He inquired, steering the conversation back to the topic at hand.
"Dunno, just where the program that was recommended to me is. Why?"
"I fucking hate LA." He grumbled. "Would you be open to looking somewhere else?"
"Like where? I don't want to go to some bullshit community college in Charming or Lodi or something stupid. The whole point is for me to make a smart career move."
"You sound sexy when you talk about 'smart career moves'." He appraised. "Didn't mean that shit, though."
"Where'd you mean then?"
"Dunno. Maybe up here, in Washington." He offered, trying to sound casual despite feeling his heartbeat in his belly. Fuck, what was all this nervous shit he was feeling? Is this what its always like for people who are all lovestruck? Jesus Christ, how did any of these pussies function?
"… You mean like Seattle… or Tacoma?"
"I mean, either I guess. But I meant Tacoma."
"What would I do in Tacoma?"
"I dunno. Go to school. Be with me." He stated quickly.
"Wait, you mean like… live with you?" She inquired, surprise evident in her voice. It seemed that her defensiveness was beginning to waver. Maybe this was enough to convince her of his love, he reflected.
"Yeah, I mean, if you want."
"You're asking me to move in with you." She repeated for clarification.
"You don't gotta make a big thing outta it." He deflected awkwardly. "We practically live together when I'm down in Charming."
"Well, that's true." She acknowledged with a hum. "I don't know… That's kind of a big deal… and you know how I feel about the guys up there."
"Well, you guys would get over that once you were here." He dismissed, nervous that she'd shoot it down completely.
"Honestly, Hap, after you blowing up the last couple times I've tried to talk about stuff, it just… it really makes me take pause and think about stuff."
"What do you mean?"
"I just don't feel like I should be your verbal punching bag because you don't want to hear what I'm saying."
"You're not!" He argued defensively.
"I love you but don't think for a second I won't walk away if this just ends up you treating me like shit all the time. I've had enough of that in my life; I don't need it from you."
"I won't!" He scoffed at even the thought of him treating her like that.
"I'm serious, Happy." She stated sternly. She sounded tired. Maybe she hadn't been able to sleep last night either.
"So am I!" He practically begged.
"Fine…" She sighed, clearly shelving the topic for now. Did she really feel that way? Why would she feel that way?
"Sara, I'm trying. Just… think about everything I said." He added, confused by all her words but not wanting to get lost in the turmoil. He was supposed to be patching things up not digging a new hole. Chicks just needed time for this shit, right? She'd get over it.
Sara agreed to think about her options fully promising to talk to him about it along the way, and then the conversation moved to less serious topics, but he could feel that her full heart wasn't in the conversation. His apology had helped but apparently, he'd done more damage with his words that he thought.
Shit shit shit. He needed to come up with something more. She needed to know how serious he was about her. Sure, he had a lot of issues, but his biggest one was becoming how badly he needed her.
He'd make it right. He had no other alternative.
A/N: Ta-da! Another new chapter! What a time to be a reader! Thank you for all of the kind reviews. It would seem I may have lost a few of the long-time readers along the way, but welcome to all of the new ones! Your words bring me joy, encouragement, and inspiration-often times swaying where I'm going short-term (I have a terminal goal). So thank you again for all of your support. Enjoy.