Chapter 8:
Rayna was walking into her rehearsal at Soundcheck when the tornado like force of Juliet came at her. She couldn't begin to fathom what the girl could be so damn mad at her for. She hesitated for a moment. Maybe it was Deacon. The young woman did have a thing for him and maybe she was catching on to all the time he was spending with Rayna.
"Rayna!"
"How can I help you today Juliet?" Rayna asked irritated.
"I don't care what you do in your free time but when it's my time, I expect Deacon to show up and do his damn job!"
"I don't know what this is about but if you have a problem with Deacon you should speak to him." Rayna tried to walk away but Juliet grabbed her arm.
Rayna gave her a warning look and pulled her arm away. "I know y'all got something going on and spending the night with you is not an excuse for missing my band rehearsal!"
"Deacon missed rehearsal?" That wasn't like Deacon and it caused her pause. By that time both Bucky and Glen made their way over to the women in order to prevent anything that could make the gossip rags or worse the national press.
"Yeah, I tried reaching him all morning but couldn't get him. He called about thirty minutes ago and said he overslept." Glen explained.
Rayna looked down at her watch, it was just about one in the afternoon. Deacon was an early riser except for when he stayed up to write. Even then, he only took a short nap before starting his day. "Doesn't sound like Deacon?" Bucky pipped in, "I don't think he's missed a rehearsal since..." He trailed off when Ryan's head snapped up looking at him. Ryan remembered the last day he missed a rehearsal, it was almost two years to the day Maddie was born. It was the day she fired him, three weeks before his fourth stint in rehab. A chill went up her spine. Bucky saw it but brushed it off, there was no doubt in his mind that Deacon was still in recovery, there was no way he would throw it all away, especially now. He had noticed how close he and Rayna were since the start of the tour and was hoping it was finally the reunion half of Nashville was waiting for. "I'm sure he was up writing, and time got away from him," Bucky added trying to bring everyone down off the ledge.
"Yeah," Rayna said trying to put on a brave face. "Your right," she said a little more confidently. "You know he still isn't one hundred percent from the end of the last leg, I'm sure he was just catching up on some sleep. Come on Bucky, we gotta get into rehearsal, don't want to keep the guys waiting."
Rayna tried to concentrate on rehearsal, and it was a valiant effort. She kept telling herself Deacon was fine, he was just tired. She had noticed it over the last few weeks. She kept trying to tell herself everything was fine, but the mere mention of Deacon missing band rehearsal brought up so many ugly and terrifying memories, it was hard to keep herself from seeing them playout in her head.
After leaving Soundcheck she made her way to pick up the girls from school. Today would be her last day with them before leaving to go back out on tour. The plan was to have dinner with the girls and then to drop them off with Deacon so she could make her early morning flight without having to wake them. Rayna had agreed to do a benefit concert for an old friend in Napa, so she was heading out there days before Deacon and the rest of the tour.
She was still thinking about Deacon when the girls piled into the car. Since the school year started Maddie preferred sitting in the back seat, and since Daphne wasn't old enough to sit up front, Rayna was forced to play chauffer. She looked in her rearview mirror to make sure the girls were buckled in before pulling out to go home. Maddie noticed that Rayna kept looking back at them, a worried look on her face.
"What?" Maddie asked a little more irritated than she felt.
Rayna gave he a warning look but figured now was as good a time as any to bring it up. "How's dad been doing lately?"
Maddie shrugged, "fine I guess".
"He overslept this morning and missed his band rehearsal, just wondering if you noticed if he was tired or anything the last couple of weeks."
"Yeah he's been sleeping a lot," Daphne answered trying to be helpful. "I think he's still sick though."
"What makes you say that baby?"
"He's been taking a lot of pills," at Daphne's words Maddie elbowed her. "Ouch! What did you do that for?" Daphne cried.
"Maddie?" Rayna was trying to keep her voice even but obviously something was up.
Maddie looked up into the review mirror at her mom. "Nothing,"
"Madeline James," Rayna said raising her voice to let her daughter know she was expecting an answer.
"It nothing okay, dad's just not feeling well and he's taking some pills. He told me not to tell you. He didn't want you to worry." Maddie felt awful betraying her dad's confidence. He thought they hadn't noticed him taking the pills but one morning Maddie came into the kitchen to see him downing a handful with a big glass of water. He told her he was still feeling sick from the flu and his doctor had given him some medication to help get him back to normal before the tour. He also explicitly asked her not to mention it to Rayna, he said he didn't want her to worry or worse hover over him. Maddie took his explanation at face value. Her dad never lied to her and she knew how her mom could be when any of them were feeling under the weather.
Rayne felt like she was going to throw up right there in the car. A cold feeling washed over her. She couldn't believe this was happening. Fourteen years of sobriety right out the window. She knew it, she could feel it. Things were going to well; she should have known the other shoe was going to drop.
"You know girls, a change in plans tonight."
Rayna was sitting in Tandy's kitchen sipping on a cup of tea. She couldn't believe she was here again. She remembered the countless nights she would spend crying on Tandy's couch when he would go on a bender. She remembered the night she came to Tandy telling her she was pregnant, and Deacon had left rehab. She cried for months trying to figure out what to do next. Deacon was back in rehab for a fifth time, she was dating Teddy Conrad, but the possibility was pretty good that the baby was Deacon's. Teddy wanted to get married and have a paternity test after the baby was born but Rayan couldn't do it. She knew her career might take a hit, but she couldn't get married just to save face. She decided to hold off on anything she couldn't take back. She continued to date Teddy through her pregnancy but after the paternity test confirmed Deacon was Maddie's father, she couldn't keep it from him much to Teddy, Tandy and most especially her father's disappointment. When she let Deacon back in her life, to co-parent, Teddy's jealously finally became too much for her to deal with. She broke up with him when Maddie was a couple months old.
"You know I love the girls but what's going on babe? I thought they were staying with Deacon before he left for the tour?" Tandy asked, saddling up beside her with a glass of wine.
Rayna looked up at her big sister, tears in her eyes. "I think Deacon's on pills again."
"Deacon? Are you sure?" Tandy might not have been a big Deacon Claybourne fan but even she would have to admit that Deacon falling off the wagon seemed like a stretch. She would always hold him accountable for the years her sister spent crying on her shoulder, for all the broken furniture she helped clean up, all the panicked phone calls when he turned up in a police station or worse the hospital. Rayna wasted a decade or more cleaning up after Deacon and for that he would always be on her shit list. However, for the last fourteen years he had been a wonderful father to her nieces. They adored him and she couldn't help but soften towards him for that. She also gave him credit for finally letting her sister go a couple years after Daphne was born. Rayna would never be the one to walk away but Deacon did, and for that she was grateful.
"I know it Tandy and it's all my fault." Tandy gave her a face and was shaking her head no, but Rayna pushed on. "No Tandy, I should have known better. I pushed him too hard on the tour. He was pulling double duty on my band and Juliet's and taking care of the girls and it was too much for him, I expected too much. I was selfish you know; I was enjoying it so much and the girls were happy, but he couldn't handle it," she finished as the tears began to fall.
"Babe, stop it. It wasn't your fault all those years ago and it's not your fault now. You know that, you know Deacon's demons are his own and you can't fight them for him. If it was too much he should have stepped back."
"Tandy, I put him in a corner, he was either going to have to let me down or the girls and you know he wouldn't do that. Hell, I didn't even ask him how he was doing, if he was going to his meetings. I didn't even think that he didn't have time."
"Rayna, stop! Deacon's sobriety is Deacon's responsibility. Have you talked to Coleman?"
"No, not yet, I just put the pieces together this afternoon. I need to talk to Deacon first."
Tandy closed her eyes and took a deep breath; she was hoping they wouldn't have to live through this cycle one more time but here they all were. "Babe, I think you should let Coleman handle this. You can't be putting yourself through that again. You have your career and the girls. You got to let someone else handle it."
Rayna wiped the tears away from her checks then got up from table. "I have to go talk to him Tandy; I promise I will call Cole on the way home. Just don't say anything to the girls. Maddie knows something's up, but she doesn't know what and I want to keep it that way. We told her about Deacon's alcoholism last year, but I don't want her to have to deal with any of this." She reached over and pulled Tandy into a bear hug then turned and raced out the door before Tandy could say anything that would stop her.
Deacon was in a good mood as he pulled up to Rayna's house. He hated the idea of being away from the girls for the next two months, but his silver lining was that he and Rayna would have all the alone time they could get. It had been a long time since it was the two of them, sans kids, on tour and he was looking forward to more stolen nights, especially those that didn't require him to sneak out of her bed before the girls could catch them. Hopefully after the tour was over and things calmed down, they could get to a more comfortable place and tell the girls the happy news.
Usually he would knock and wait for one of his girls to let him in but considering the newfound ease between he and Rayna, he walked right through the door and into the kitchen. That is where he found her, a look on her face that he hadn't seen in fourteen years. His head immediately went to the worst thing, "What happened? Where are the girls?" he said a slight panic in his voice.
"The girls are fine, they are at Tandy's," she said tears threatening to spill over.
Deacon took two paces towards her, but she held up her hands to stop him. "Ray, what's going on? You are starting to scare me here."
"I know Deacon."
"You know what?" he asked cautiously. He wondered if Maddie had told her he was sick.
"I know about the pills?" she said wiping away a tear.
"What pills?" Things were going so well, and he really didn't want his health to toss a wrench into things.
Rayna was shaking her head, what seemed like sadness was all the sudden turning to anger which was confusing the hell out of Deacon. He was half tempted to walk out the door and come back in to start this over. "How the hell could you do this to us Deacon, after all this time, you just throw it all away?"
It was Deacon's turn to shake his head. He ran his hands over his face. "What the hell are you talking about Ray?" his own anger was starting to rise. He didn't like having to be on the defensive especially when he didn't do anything to put himself there.
"Deacon don't lie to me. I know what's going on; missing rehearsals, sleeping all the time, popping pills! How could you do this to the girls, to us, I thought we were finally getting to a place where we could be a family together, but no, you just throw everything right down the drain," she finished as she stood up wrapping her arms around herself to stop from trembling.
Deacon was nodding his head, his face reddening as he clenched his fists at his side. He took one step closer to her and she involuntarily took one step back hitting the barstool she had been sitting on. "That's what you think Ray? You think I'm popping pills. You think I've gone and fallen of the wagon."
His tone was even, which scared her. He was trying to keep his explosive anger in check, which meant he was very close to losing it and she knew how bad things got when he lost it completely. "I know this cycle Deacon, I lived through it for eleven year."
"You don't know a damn thing." He said pointing at her. The girls are with me tonight. You want to drop em off or you want me to pick em up a Tandy's?" he asked as he turned to walk towards the door.
Rayna rushed forward and grabbed his arm turning him. "You aren't going anywhere near my girls. Not like this."
"Like what Rayna, angry or high?" He didn't think he had ever been so angry at her in his life. Even when he walked away from her the first time. He had been angry then, more hurt than angry but in this very moment he actually felt hate. "After all this time we're here again. You thinking I'm nothing more than a no-good drunk, that it? You think I would put those girls in harm's way? That I would do anything to cause them an ounce of pain?"
They were two feet apart, but it felt to both of them like they were nose to nose. Deacon knew himself enough to know he was better off with distance between them. Rayna was putting on a brave face, but he could tell she was scared. "Deacon please," she begged. She wasn't sure what she was begging him to do but she did know she wanted it all to stop. "Please talk to Colman, get some help."
At her words Deacon finally lost his temper. He pulled out a pill bottle from his pocket and held it up in front of her face. "These," he said taunting her. "These Rayna are to help my god damn liver function properly," he then and threw them across the kitchen with all his might and when they hit the cabinets she jumped. He took a step closer, the heat of is anger almost knocking her over. You're right, I need help. I have the beginning stages of cirrhosis of the liver. So yeah, you were right all those years ago when you said my drinking might kill me."
He didn't touch her and yet it felt like he slapped her across of the face. Her eyes went wide, and tears were starting to fall. "Deacon," she breathed out and moved to grab his arm, but he pulled away.
"Forget it Ray. I don't need your pity and I sure the hell don't need whatever this was. You just can't let yourself trust me, can you? I am good enough to play in your band, be a father to your children, warm your bed but never good enough for you to completely trust, am I? You just see me as a pathetic alcoholic, one bad moment away from a drink… or a pill."
The tears were coming faster now, and she was furiously trying to wipe them away. "Deacon that's not… I don't see you like that, I don't. I love you!"
"Don't," he said raising his hand to stop her. "I won't to do this Rayna. Yeah, I screwed up a million times back then and yeah you should have walked away but you didn't. You stayed and I got better, and I've been good every day of our daughters' lives," he said stressing the word 'our'. "But you can't really forgive me, can you? There is a piece of you that can't trust who I am now and that's never going to change, is it? I won't live my life on eggshells Rayna, I won't live it being your fall guy when things go south. I'm done." Deacon turned and walked away. He opened the door then when he was on the other side, he slammed it shut.
She heard his truck peel out of the driveway as she slid to the floor and cried. For the second time in her life Deacon Claybourne walked away from her and while she may have deserved it, it hurt like hell.
Two hours, a shower and some liquid courage later. Rayna was walking up to his front porch. The girls were chatting as Daphne pushed the door open but then she stood stock still in the doorway. Maddie came up behind her and did the same. Rayna ran up behind them and stopped when she saw what they did. Deacon's house was a mess, it looked like a tornado had gone through it. He was standing in the middle of the living room with Coleman, both looking like deer caught in the headlights.
"Daddy what happened?" Daphne asked with huge eyes as she surveyed the room.
"Hey baby, what are you doing here? I thought you were staying with Aunt Tandy tonight?" he looked up at Rayna. 'Shit' she thought to herself. She should have called him first. In typical fashion, her remedy for a situation was only making it worse.
"No, we are staying here remember?" Daphne asked a little scared now.
"Sorry baby, I guess I forgot," he said trying to cover with a laugh. "You know, just a little while ago, a pack of wild dogs tore through here, so I called Coleman here to come help me clean this place up."
"Really," she asked incredulously as she walked further into the living room to get a better look at the damage. There was overturned furniture, broken lamps, smashed picture frames and a broken mirror.
Deacon wanted to laugh at how easy it was for Daphne to go with one of his stories. The joy of being nine he thought. Maddie on the other hand knew better and it broke his heart when he watched her take a step backwards towards her mother. "Maddie," he said hesitantly.
"Dad," she echoed.
He took as step towards her and Rayna for her part gave her a slight push towards him. He put his arms around her for a hug and whispered in her ear, "We will talk about all this after Daphne goes to sleep but I promise everything is okay, I'm okay." She nodded her head in understanding and gave him a hug back. "Why don't you girls go to your rooms and put your stuff away while Coleman and I finish cleaning up." He smiled at them and Daphne shrugged as she picked up her duffel bag.
"Bye mom," she said making her way to Rayna and giving her a big hug. "I'm gonna miss you."
"I'm going to miss you too baby," she said hugging her back and giving her a kiss goodbye.
Maddie too turned to her mother to make her goodbyes. Rayna whispered reassuring words in her ear and gave her one last squeeze. Everyone watched the girls walk out of the room before Deacon made his way toward the door, towards Rayna. He nodded his head and she stepped back outside as he followed.
"You didn't think to give me a heads-up here Rayna?" he said quietly but with an obvious edge to his voice.
"Sorry," she said apologetically. "I just… after everything… I was just trying to make it right. I didn't think you would…"
He snorted with derision, "for the first time you didn't think the worst of me, that's something."
"Deacon please don't. I screwed up today, I get that, I do but I never meant to hurt you." Tears were threatening to fall but Rayna promised herself she would be strong and except any punishment he was going to give her.
He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Just go Ray," he said defeated. She nodded her head in defeat and turned to walk towards her car. "Rayna," he called out unable to stand to see her so defeated no matter how damn angry he was at her. "I'll have the girls call before the go to sleep tonight."
"Thanks," she said giving him a sad smile.
"We've done this a hundred times before. The tour will be over before you know it. You'll be back to see the girls in their Halloween costumes and then it will be Thanksgiving. Tandy and I will exchange jabs before Lamar levels us all and we'll sit stewing at each other until the pie is eaten and everyone can go home. It's going to be okay," he ended. Those were the same words he uttered that night in Dallas. Then they gave her hope but tonight they left her with a feeling of sadness. She knew what he was saying. They would not be embarking on a new life together; it only took her three weeks to screw it all up. Instead of moving forward they were going back, back to co-parenting and nothing more.
"Deacon…," she said looking up at him more helpless than she had been since she was a sixteen-year-old girl standing at his front door. "… I really did want this to work." She finished sniffling.
"I know but I just don't think we are meant to be." He said it but he wondered himself if he believed it.
He watched her walk towards her truck. He loved this woman more than life itself but for whatever reason they couldn't seem to make their relationship work. He wanted to blame her for that but he knew that the original damage done to them was done by him and that was something he would never quit forgive himself for but now they had these two girls to worry about and watch over and he had to do what was best for them. He truly believed this was what was best.