Chapter 12
Admission
Alex howled with laughter as Olivia smiled coyly and sank back onto the couch. Olivia had a hard time eating her pasta, as she wasn't left handed, and the attorney thought this behavior was hilarious.
"Of course this would happen to the only one of us that isn't left handed," Olivia noted and chuckled, as Alex smiled.
Hours had passed and the movie was playing for the third or fourth time. Neither of them cared, and both had remarked about how nice it was to be in each other's company again. Alex had showered and changed into fresh clothes and they were both relaxing on the couch, full from their Italian takeout.
"You should do your exercises, detective." Alex leaned forward and yawned, stretching out her arms with a small smile.
"Yeah, I guess," Olivia responded as she loosened the splint and sling. She stood up and started to stretch out her arms and shoulder. Alex stood up and faced her, watching for support. She watched as Olivia placed both of her hands against her side, and raised them up at a 90-degree angle, straight out in front of her. She repeated this motion seven times and only winced in pain once or twice.
"Feeling ok?" Alex asked this question with a small smile.
"Right now, yeah. But we'll see when I'm done. Tell me something interesting so I won't be thinking much about the pain while I'm doing these."
"Well, I don't have anything new to tell you detective. You see, you and I have been together for the past 4 days. I've got nothing new," the attorney smiled. Olivia knew she was right. She continued with her next exercise, repeating the same motion seven times again.
"Yeah, I guess you're right," the detective winced at she raised her arms from her side upwards to make her body into a T. This one hurt. Olivia doubled over in pain and Alex moved in to support her body. The attorney placed her hands on Olivia's hips and helped her steady herself. Olivia straightened up and smiled a defeated smile at Alex. "Thanks." The attorney was worried, but strained out a smile back at the detective; she didn't want Olivia to know how concerned she was about her.
The detective moved on to the next exercise, as she started speaking, "I do have to say, I'm surprised you haven't mentioned anything about the shooting," Olivia grunted out, curiously.
"What do you mean?" A lump caught in Alex's throat. She wasn't exactly sure what Olivia meant, but she was beyond nervous to open up and talk about that night. Alex was able to enjoy what Olivia had said to her in the hospital, but didn't want to put too much stock into it because she knew the detective was on pain medication, and may not actually remember that she told Alex everything she had confessed.
"I mean we haven't talked about it," was Olivia's very matter-of-fact response, as she let out a breath. "I thought you might want to talk it out. I know you, Alex. I don't want you to feel guilty, and I know the lawyer in you has some questions that haven't been answered yet."
With that, Olivia sat down. She was able to place the sling over her head herself, and only needed Alex to velcro the back of the brace. She sank back down into the couch, quietly breathing, measuring her heartbeat—the exercises were an ordeal. Not only was her shoulder throbbing, but she was bracing herself for the next conversation that she tried to start before she sat down. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. As they opened, she saw Alex settling down into the opposite side of the couch, pulling a blanket over her lap. Her face was fixed on the detective—her head was slightly cocked to the side, with a sympathetic look on her face.
Alex knew that Olivia was in pain, but couldn't help but find the detective remarkably gorgeous. She studied her face—the color was coming back to her and she looked perfectly normal, like the ordeal had never happened. Her brown eyes focused on Alex, and the attorney could feel her heart swell just knowing Olivia was looking at her.
It was only when the detective raised her eyebrows, like she was expecting an answer to a question that Alex had forgotten; Olivia wanted to talk about the shooting. Alex knew she had been lost in the detective, and had neglected what they were talking about.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" The attorney stammered.
"I just don't want you to feel guilty about the shooting, Alex. It's not your fault"
The attorney quickly snapped back to reality. She looked over to the detective and remembered all of the questions she had asked Elliot in the few days before.
"Olivia…I just don't…how did you know? Why did you jump?" Tears welled in Alex's eyes, and she fought back the strong urge to break down and dissolve into the couch.
The detective took a breath and began. "I'll answer whatever you ask, Alex, but I don't want you to feel guilty."
Olivia paused, looked at Alex, and readied herself for what she knew she was going to say. She had waited long enough. Each time she looked at the attorney, her heart swelled and her breath hitched. She recognized the old feelings Alex used to give her whenever she saw her walk into the squad room—it was too much to deny. She gazed into Alex's eyes—those eyes that were so familiar to her so long ago, and were making their way back into her heart.
"I had a feeling Carlson was going to shoot when he came out of the house. When he turned the floodlights on, I knew that was a tactic—he wanted to get the better of us. I should have noticed those lights before we came up on the lawn, but I didn't…" she paused, silently beating herself up for not noticing the lights right away.
"Luckily, I saw him reaching for the switch and I remembered a trick I learned in the academy and adjusted my eyes quickly. When he let Kaley go, I knew he was going to do something risky. I thought that he'd run, but when I saw him put the handgun down, I knew he was shooting. I looked back towards you, to make sure you weren't in harms way, but as I looked, he saw me and pointed towards you. I didn't even have time to draw my gun…" Tears filled Olivia's eyes, but she fought them back quickly, as she swallowed, and her voice cracked. "And I jumped."
Alex noticed the emotion well up in the detective, causing her to well up. Curious, she asked the question she had been waiting to ask, her voice breaking. "Ok. But why did you jump? Olivia, you could have died…I was afraid you were going to..." Alex's voice trailed off.
"I jumped because I know what it's like to be without you." As she said this, she was looking down into her lap, twiddling her fingers, but when she finished, Olivia lifted her head and looked across the couch to the blonde. Alex's mouth was slightly ajar, and her shock filled eyes landed on the detective, looking between her mouth and her eyes. While the attorney was still processing, Olivia took the opportunity to continue.
"Alex, when you were shot outside O'Malley's, I couldn't help but think that it was my fault. The entire time you were in WITSEC, I would think about what else I could have done differently. When I went to sleep, I would see your blood on my hands, feel your sightless stare, and the fear would just overwhelm me. I would wake up, sometimes sweating and panting, sometimes crying, but always thinking about what I could have done to save you so you wouldn't have had to go to WITSEC. I could have protected you here."
This vulnerable admission tore Alex's heart apart. She began to think about Olivia, as she always did, however now she knew that the detective was just as miserable as she was while she was in WITSEC. Alex opened her mouth to respond, but Olivia continued, holding up her hand, and then placing it on the attorney's.
"Just let me say this, Alex. I think I've needed to say it for a while—to someone besides Elliot," she smiled a little bit, but became serious quickly.
"When you went away to WITSEC, Alex, I lost a part of my life that I think I took for granted. You were always there, and I could always email you or call you. Whether it was just to bullshit, or so we could bounce work ideas off of each other. Professional or not, you were a constant," she stopped, "the only constant, in my personal life. I was never one to talk about my life outside of work, but everyone noticed what was going on between us. It was only once you left that I finally noticed it myself."
The detective paused. "When Carlson saw my vulnerability, I knew I had blown it. I was watching out for you, and not myself. He could tell that you were the most important thing to me, and not myself. I thought back to when you got shot and the uncertainty churned in my stomach. I jumped. That's it."
"I guess I realized that if anything happened to you, I wouldn't ever forgive myself. And…" Olivia hesitated, but Alex scooted closer to her on the couch, inviting her to continue. "I know now that my life is nothing without you. I've done 'alone' all my life, but I've realized that I just can't be without you, Alex. If I had to, I'd wait all of this time again to be able to tell you exactly how I feel—in this moment, right now."
Alex couldn't hold them back—tears fell freely from her eyes, and she leaned into the older brunette, as Olivia placed her uninjured arm around Alex.
"Oh Olivia, I'm so sorry," Alex sobbed into Olivia's shoulder. The detective pulled her away so she could look into the attorney's eyes.
"Alex, you have nothing to apologize for. But, I do want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I've been acting since you've been back. I was stupid to think that you'd immediately come back to SVU with no problem. I was selfish fighting with you about coming back to New York, and about Hope. She was never worth it, but, looking back, I know she was just a substitute for you…I've made a lot of bad decisions in the past few years while you've been away, and I think it's because I never truly admitted how I felt about you, Alex. And, now that I have that chance, I don't ever want you to doubt how I feel."
Alex sat cross-legged across from the detective and looked into her eyes. "Olivia," the attorney started, "I know I told you a little bit about when I was in WITSEC, but I think now is an appropriate time to tell you that I feel the exact same way. Without you, I would have died right there outside that bar so many years ago, and, without you a few days ago, I probably would have met the same fate. You truly are my guardian, Liv. I am forever grateful to you, but more than that, I realized in WITSEC one thing that has forever changed me. This one thing has been my hope, my strength, and my entire world that I've clung to for the past few years. I've realized that I love you, Olivia Benson."
Olivia started to speak, but Alex touched her hand, as if to quiet her. "Liv, don't say anything. I know the past few days have been really hard for you, so I just want you to know exactly how I feel, and then everything is out on the table." Olivia conceded, and thought that Alex would just have to wait for Olivia to tell her that she loved her as well.
"Ok," Olivia said, with a small smile. The attorney reached over and took the detective's glasses off. She tucked a piece of hair behind Olivia's ear, tracing her hand down the detective's cheek.
"Are you feeling ok?"
Olivia nodded. "I'm good now."
They both smiled, and the back of Alex's hand still rested slightly below Olivia's ear. Olivia's eyes followed the attorney's hand as it slowly traced her olive cheek, resting on her jaw. She lightly closed her eyes, savoring this moment as if it would end in a second. Alex's eyes met Olivia's and she knew, in that moment, that Olivia felt the same way, even if she hadn't said it, and regardless of how she had been acting—she had Olivia back in her life, and nothing would change that.
They had kissed before, but both of the women felt so nervous knowing it would happen again. When they had kissed one another so many years ago, it was a passionate plea to be taken to bed, tongues wrestling with one another, but now, they both knew it would be different.
Alex scooted closer to the detective, and looked from Olivia's golden eyes to her full, pink lips, where the detective was slightly biting her bottom lip, a sign that Alex knew she was trying hard not to kiss the attorney. Olivia's eyes were set on Alex's lips, remembering how soft and welcoming they were so many years ago.
Before Alex could execute her smooth plan, she felt a delicate, but firm hand under her chin. Olivia had reached out and politely seized Alex's chin, pulling her towards the detective. Olivia paused for one second, making quick eye contact with Alex, before resting her full lips on the attorney's.
Electricity flew through the air, as they both succumbed to the loving touch of each other's lips. A sigh and a light moan escaped from Alex's mouth, and as Olivia pulled away, she could feel her world coming back into focus.
"I wanted to tell you…I like that you're calling me 'Liv' again," the detective whispered, as their lips were mere millimeters apart. With a smile, Alex collapsed into Olivia's side and smiled as wide as she could.
"Detective, I'll call you whatever you want me to." Her voice was throaty, and the way she said 'detective' made Olivia shudder. Alex smiled at Olivia, as she placed quick kisses up her neck, and she felt the detective squirm.
"Haha. Oh no," Olivia said, as she smiled and sat up straighter. This motion aggravated her shoulder, and she winced in pain. What had been a playful gesture had turned into a painful accident that hurt the detective.
Alex immediately jumped off the couch, scared. "Oh no, Olivia, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to—." Olivia stopped Alex, holding up her hand.
"It's ok, it's ok," the detective said as she winced in pain and repositioned herself on the couch. Alex took this opportunity to go get Olivia some water, and some pain medication. She realized that Olivia hadn't taken any all day.
She walked back into the living room and found Olivia standing, looking out the window. There was a slight gap between her shirt and pants, her olive skin peeking out. The attorney placed the glass of water and pill bottle down silently, walking towards the detective. She placed her hands on Olivia's hips, and smoothed them around to the front of her tight body, as she rested her head on Olivia's uninjured shoulder. Olivia craned her neck backwards as a sly smile crept over her face. She turned to face Alex, but the brace created too much distance than she wanted.
"It's cute when you pout," Alex smiled. "I always used to pretend I couldn't get you a warrant because I loved to see that face you make when you don't get your way." Olivia opened her mouth in shock, but then laughed it off, as she yawned.
"I think we should sit down," Olivia said. Alex walked her over to the couch and sat down, inviting Olivia to lay down and rest her head on her lap. The detective did so, and Alex ran her fingers lovingly through her hair as they absentmindedly watched the movie again, Olivia reciting her favorite lines, until she fell asleep.