A/N: Again, I am overwhelmed by all of your comments! I am seriously loving everyone that is reading this story and giving some feedback. Thank you all for letting my story into your imagination and I hope you like it as much as I do. As I said before, I'm now writing chapter by chapter, so uploads may be fewer and farther between, so I apologize in advance, but I hope you enjoy this next chapter, where we see a little more of Olivia's erratic behavior return, and we see what's really bothering Alex.
Chapter 16
Worthy
Olivia and Elliot lingered on the stage, speaking with Captain Cragen, Munch and Fin. Cragen looked toward Alex and Kathy and began to speak, motioning towards Elliot and Olivia as he did.
"Well, seeing as how there isn't anyone else here…wanna do the honors, ladies?"
Kathy, having done this before, swiftly removed the medal from the box in Elliot's hand, prompting him to turn and face her. He playfully stuck his chest out, raised his chin and laughed. After a second, they connected, as Kathy opened the pin to attach it to her husband's uniform. He looked down and watched his wife delicately secure the medal—she was proud, and he couldn't have been happier to see this reflected in her eyes. They kissed, as Kathy wrapped her arms around the back of Elliot's head and pulled him close.
"I'm so proud of you, El. I love you."
Elliot returned that comment with a smile. "Love you too."
Not ever being one to show much loving emotion, Elliot quickly turned his attention to Olivia.
"Your turn counselor!" He smiled as he spoke, handing the two boxes to Alex. Everyone was excited to see this exchange—the detectives knew that there was something up between Alex and Olivia, but now that they actually knew they were together, everyone at the 1-6 was a little curious to see them interact.
Alex smiled and turned towards Olivia. She approached the detective and laid the first box out on the table, taking the medal from inside. She looked Olivia over, still somewhat surprised that she could call the detective her girlfriend. Alex opened the clasp and reached through Olivia's shirt to grab the open pin. She felt her hand brush against Olivia's undershirt and bra, sending a warm wave through the blonde's body. She closed the pin and stepped back to admire at the placement, before starting the next. Everything was the same, but this time, she began speaking, in a very hushed tone, to the detective.
"Olivia, I'm so happy to give you this medal. I see you work everyday, but I think I take advantage of exactly how hard you work, and why you do it. I love you Olivia Benson, and I love that you love people enough to save them from anything that threatens to harm them. I'm so proud of you, baby." She almost whispered all of this, an inch from Olivia's face, pinning the medal on the whole time. Olivia always loved how she could multitask.
After both medals were attached, Olivia and Elliot looked at each other, joking about how great the new additions to their uniforms looked. Alex stayed close to Olivia, holding her hand on the small of the detective's back, and looking at the new medals, admiring her detective.
Suddenly, a hush fell over the group as the back door reopened and a woman walked toward Olivia and Elliot. She held her head down, shyly approaching both of them, before reaching out a hand and placing it on Olivia's shoulder.
"Detective Benson?"
Alex always thought it was so admirable how Olivia could switch from a normal, everyday person to victim's advocate extraordinaire with just a look. Alex could see sympathy in Olivia's eyes, letting the woman know that in detective Benson, she'd find a safe harbor.
"Yes?"
Without another word, the woman wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist, grabbing the detective into a tight hug. She spoke as she held the detective in her weak arms. The look on Olivia's face was confused, until she saw Kaley standing behind the middle-aged women. She had realized that neither Kaley or her mother had stayed after the ceremony, but knew that sometimes any new experience can be hard for victims to relive, even if it is joyful.
"Thank you so much, detective. You have no idea…you'll never know how much you've given me back…Oh and your arm! I'm sorry that happened to you detective." She sobbed softly into Olivia's chest as Olivia gently reciprocated the hug.
Olivia slowly released the woman, taking her shoulders in her strong hands. She looked into her eyes and started to speak.
"Mrs. Adams, you don't have to thank me. We are just as happy as you that Kaley is home and safe. I want you both to get into counseling, though. It will make things better with time. Don't worry about me—this is my job." Olivia smiled weakly to the woman, who moved on to Elliot, giving him the same treatment, when a small voice spoke from behind Mrs. Adams.
"Detective Benson?" Olivia focused on the voice, facing the small, young teen with tear stains on her face. She bent down and spoke to her gently.
"You can call me Olivia, Kaley."
"Ok…Olivia." She smiled sadly. "I just want to say thanks. I know that if you wouldn't have done what you did, he probably would have killed me…." Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry that you had to get hurt because of me, but I know I'm lucky that you and," she looked to Elliot, "detective Stabler were there to help me. I know what could have happened."
Olivia took Kaley's hand into her own and spoke softly. "Kaley, you don't ever have to apologize. This is not your fault—it's Carlson's—you know that right? There's nothing," she reemphasized as she looked into Kaley's eyes, "nothing you could have done differently. Ok?"
In this moment, everyone standing was transfixed on Olivia kneeling before Kaley, holding her hand and speaking softly so she understood. Kathy took notice of Alex, standing proudly with an emphatic look on her face. She smiled, and Kathy knew that look—she moved over towards Alex and wrapped her arm around the attorney's shoulders. As Alex looked toward Kathy, there were tears in her eyes as she chuckled into Kathy's shoulder.
"You love her…I can see it." Kathy spoke reassuringly to Alex, keeping her in her grasp. "I'm glad you two are together…everyone could see it."
Alex smiled and gave a simple response. "I do, Kathy... I do love her." She took a long draw of breath and beamed, as they both looked back to Olivia, Elliot, and Kaley ending their conversation, "who wouldn't?"
As Kathy looked back to Alex, she noticed her own husband speaking to Kaley. The same pride and desire built up in her own body—a flame that had burned for 27 years still seared fervently in her heart. She nodded and looked at Alex—she knew exactly what the attorney was feeling.
Cragen began to speak as Kaley and her mother were leaving. "So, I think this calls for a celebration…we all don't have to be back to the precinct until 12 so, let's go get some celebratory brunch on the NYPD." Everyone laughed as Munch, Fin, and Cragen began walking out of 1PP. The two couples followed them, but before Alex and Olivia left the press conference room, Alex pulled Olivia into a strong hug. She held the door closed with one hand and placed the other on the detective's neck, pulling her close. Olivia was taken by surprise, but fell softly into the attorney's body, pressing her lips against Alex's, as Alex probed Olivia's mouth with her tongue. The raw passion of the kiss left Olivia breathless, and as they parted, Olivia gasped for air.
"I know we aren't 'public' yet, so I wanted to get that out before we left. But, I couldn't let you walk out of here without doing that. I was thinking about this exact moment the whole time."
With that, Alex opened the door and left Olivia standing, her mouth slightly ajar in shock. She rolled her eyes a little and came back down to earth, her hands still hot from gripping Alex's hips, and her tongue still tingling from the touch. She opened the door and jogged to catch up with the rest of the group, on their way to brunch to celebrate.
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Olivia unlocked her apartment door and held it open for Alex to enter. She had eaten way too much at brunch—Alex remembered Olivia's love for Strawberry Crème French toast, and she took the liberty of ordering her a full order, complete with bacon and coffee when the detective was in the bathroom. Normally, Olivia wouldn't indulge herself with this many calories, but she felt ok about it today. Alex sat across from her, eating an easy brunch of oatmeal and fruit.
They walked through the threshold and sat on the couch. Olivia unbuttoned the top few buttons of her uniform shirt and released her tie—Alex could tell she was absolutely stuffed from breakfast. There was something sexy about the way Olivia ate her food, Alex noticed. The attorney took delight in watching Olivia lick the strawberry juice from her lips, occasionally wiping her mouth with her finger and licking off excess whipped cream—it was only when Alex became uncomfortable with the wetness gathering in her body that she thought ordering that particular food for Olivia may have been a bad idea, especially with other people around.
"You full?" Alex asked this with a smile and a rub of Olivia's taut abs.
"Ugh! Don't even touch my stomach…I feel like I weigh 1,000 lbs!" Olivia groaned and Alex howled with laughter.
"Well, I'm glad you got what you wanted, baby. You deserve it, especially after this morning."
"So…I'm still trying to figure out why you didn't tell me what was going on this morning? We spent all that time together in the shower," they both smiled at the memory, "and getting ready, and you still didn't say anything." Olivia pried as Alex decided the truth was the best way to go.
The attorney repositioned herself on the couch, straddling the detective's hips with her knees. She played with the buttons on Olivia's uniform below as she began speaking. "I know, Liv, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Cragen said he wanted it to be a surprise, and he actually seemed really happy, honey. I just wanted to make him happy, and I knew you wouldn't really be upset. You got 2 medals after all! You're the golden child of the NYPD today." Alex said this as she laughed, but her demeanor turned very serious when she eyed the two new pieces of hardware on the detective's chest. "I know I've said it already, but I'm so proud of you, Olivia." Tears filled in her eyes and she admired the detective's strong cheekbones, her delicate nose, and defined jawline—Olivia was so beautiful. She placed a small kiss on the end of her nose, smiling softly into the detective's eyes. Olivia returned the smile and gazed back into Alex's eyes, as her hands rested softly on the blonde's thighs.
"Hey, I wanted to tell you…" Olivia caught Alex's attention. She smiled softly before continuing. "The whole morning people have been saying 'thank you' to me, but a lot of people don't understand why some cops do what they do…I'll admit that I joined the force, and more specifically, Special Victims because of my mother—we've talked about that before. But, what I guess I'm really trying to say is that a lot of people look at things that some cops do and say 'that's crazy,' but once you realize the motivation behind it, they don't think it's so crazy anymore."
Alex was captivated by what Olivia was saying, but wasn't sure where she was going with this confession. She connected with Olivia's brown eyes and spoke, "Ok, I'm following you…"
"Alex, what I'm saying is that everyone thinks it was so heroic and crazy of me to jump in front of a bullet. Everyone asks why. Everyone says thank you. I get medals, and people clap. But, for me, and for most cops, I wasn't thinking about being a hero—it's all about the motivation. And Alex, you motivate me." Alex's heart melted. She was looking into her girlfriend's eyes and she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep her composure long, as tears filled her eyes and Olivia continued, emphatically using her hands, explaining what she was trying to say.
"When people say thank you and ask me why I do what I do, I say it's all for the victims—which is true. But, I jumped in front of that bullet for love. I think I knew, even though we had been a little—", she paused "distant—that I loved you, Alex. I've loved you since the beginning. And, I think I've realized that the reason that I can be such a good cop is because you have been my reason to do things right, and to be a victim's advocate. I can be a loving person because of you, and I can be a great partner because of you. Before you came to SVU, I wasn't half the cop that I am now, and there's a reason for that, babe. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you deserve these medals just as much as I do. You're the reason I get up every morning and try to be the best cop I can be that day, Alex. I lov—" Alex stopped Olivia, placing a finger on the detective's lips, but was met with a firm hand.
Olivia moved Alex's hand away from her mouth. She looked into the blonde's eyes and defiantly said, "No, Alex. You're not going to stop me. I know the only reason I was able to tell you this morning is because you weren't expecting what I was going say. Why won't you let me tell you that I love you, Alex? You are the best thing that I ever let get away, and now that you're back, I know that you are truly the best thing that I ever had…ever. What's going on Al? Why don't you want to hear me tell you that I love you?"
Alex looked into Olivia's eyes and saw the need the detective had—she cared about Alex, and wanted to know what was up. Slowly, Alex removed her left leg, and then her right from the couch, repositioning herself next to Olivia, facing the detective, and resting her hands in her lap.
"Olivia, you have to understand. It's so easy for me to lock myself away in an ivory tower, prosecuting cases and removing myself from the day-to-day work that you guys do in order to bring me cases. I get up every morning and don't have to worry about a gun, a bulletproof vest, or someone unexpectedly attacking me." Alex's voice began to crack, as she traced her eyes to Olivia's gun, and back up to the detective's questioning, but sympathetic eyes.
"You get up every morning and you know that day you'll make a difference. You willingly walk into situations that could very easily get you injured or even killed…and for what? To save one life. To help one person. To change one childhood. I sit in my cushy office, and my biggest complaint for the day is that a judge won't move an arraignment from 9 to 9:45." Alex began to grow a little agitated with herself, and stopped. Olivia placed her hand softly on Alex's crossed legs, prying with her eyes.
"Ok, Alex. But your job is important—without you, nothing would ever happen. We can go get as many people as we want, but without you working your magic in the courtroom, they can just go back out and keep doing what they were doing before….what are you trying to say, Alex? Just give it to me. This isn't about our jobs, and you know it."
Alex paused, trying to muster up the courage to say exactly what she knew was going on. "I see you everyday helping people, being an advocate, trusting victims, and I can't help but love you. You demand respect, but still are so loving and gentle with everyone you come across. Even just then, when I was saying that I just sit around and prosecute cases, you just made me feel admirable for the job I do…" She paused, still not having said what was on the tip of her tongue.
"I just don't deserve you Olivia. I know, deep down, that I'm not worthy of your love, and I guess it's just easy for me to think that you don't actually love me if I don't have to hear you say it."
Olivia's face hardened. She moved her gaze from Alex's eyes to a blank wall in front of her. Her jaw clenched and she quickly became interested in the area around the mounted tv, and noticed there was a small place that the painters had missed. She didn't necessarily know how to process this admission. Olivia knew she should try to be sympathetic, as Alex was obviously dealing with an emotionally troubling problem, but she was also infuriated that Alex would even think that she didn't deserve the detective's love—Olivia knew that, if anything, it was the other way around, especially after how she had treated Alex for the previous few months.
"Liv?"
Olivia heard Alex, but didn't give any indication that she was ready to speak back to her. Instead, she turned, placed a light, unromantic peck on Alex's cheek and stood up from the couch. She made an excuse about having to go into the precinct for something she had forgotten and started towards the door.
"Olivia, are you serious?"
"What, Alex? I've got something to finish and then I'll be back….and, on top of that, I have to take some time off, so it's today or whenever I go back." Her attitude was obvious.
"Ok…do you want me to drive you?" Alex asked this question softly, as to not infuriate the detective any more than she was already.
"No. I'll take the subway. Try to relax. I'll be back in a little while."
And with that, Olivia was gone. Alex collapsed on the couch, tears streaming down her face. She was sure that, this time, she had lost Olivia for good.