November 2008

Sara stared at the phone in her hand as she chewed her lip. Her come-to-Jesus talk with Kozik had forced her to begin engaging in basic daily living again. Happy hadn't said much to her, giving her the space she seemed to need. She had since apologized for some of the harsh things she'd said to Koz out of grief, but, per usual, it all seemed to roll off him like water. He'd certainly said worse things to her during his detox than she'd ever say to him. She didn't think it sat well with Happy that Kozik had been able to snap her out of her fugue state in one night when he'd had been trying for weeks, but her history with Kozik was vastly different than her history with Happy.

Nonetheless, she felt guilty.

Happy hadn't done anything to make her feel guilty, in fact, he'd been patient with her—more than she expected from a man who used to snap at her for leaving her shoes in 'the wrong spot'. But his lack of snapping at her and his out-of-character softness only encouraged her guilt; she was embarrassed by how badly she'd fallen apart and for how long. He had better shit to do than to coddle her.

She'd been around death before; plenty, given the nature of her family, but she'd always been shielded from the specifics and imagery. Donna's death had been her first up-close experience seeing the brutality of the violence Club life brought with it. It brought up a lot of feelings surrounding all the people she'd lost; she hated it, but it even made her wonder about her father's death.

What exactly had the Club done to him? How long had he suffered? Did he think about her when his life flashed before his eyes? Did he have regrets? The more she thought about it, the sicker to her stomach she felt.

She needed to distract herself from obsessing over the horrifying details she saw in her mind; there wasn't much she could do about Donna, but there was someone else who deserved amends. With a sigh of annoyance at her own stupid hesitation, she dialed the number and lifted the phone to her ear.

"…Hello?" The confusion on the other end made her cringe.

"Hey Juicy…" she practically whispered, picking at a thread on the hem of her t-shirt.

"….is everything okay?" he asked after a moment of silence.

"Yea, I just… I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. Hap kind of just packed me up and brought me to Tacoma with him."

"Yeah, I know. He told me. I stopped by, but he wasn't letting anyone in," Juice stated coolly, "So… how's Tacoma?"

"Fuckin' freezin' already. I don't know how I'm expected to survive winter."

"You'll be fine. It's not so bad." Juice assured in his happy-go-lucky way. How could he be so bright and shiny having seen the things he had, and Sara could barely operate after one dead body? She couldn't imagine Juice killing someone. Happy, sure. Chibs and Bobby and even Jax, she could see. But Juice?

"Not all of us grew up in New York," Sara shot back and smiled when she heard Juice chuckle on the other end. She'd missed his laughter.

"Fair enough." They sat in silence for a beat before Juice continued awkwardly, "How're you doing…with… you know… everything?"

"Okay. Happy couldn't deal with me anymore and basically staged an intervention and had Kozik come drag me out of bed."

"He was worried; its not that he couldn't deal with you," Juice softly defended. Sara fought to choke back her comment of disagreement. She'd been weak; Happy hated weakness in a person.

"I mean I'm eating and showering again… so I guess it worked but... I just miss her so much. Honestly, still can't fully believe it," Sara admitted, swallowing the dry lump in her throat before continuing, "How's Opie and the kids?"

"'Bout how'd you'd expect. Mary's been helping out."

"Who put the hit on her?"

"…I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to talk about this with you. Ask Hap about it later," he deflected.

"Well, has there at least been retaliation already?"

"Piney tried." Juice stated vaguely.

"So, you do know who put the hit on her then," she stated cleverly.

"I didn't say that," Juice interjected, "I just said the old man went after someone. We're pretty sure he was wrong, actually." Juice amended.

"I'll ask Happy about it later," Sara assured, pleased with the tidbit of information she gotten, "Honestly, I just called to make sure we're good."

"Why wouldn't we be?" he asked naively, and Sara rolled her eyes. Good ol' Juice. So observant and sensitive when least expected, and so ignorant and innocent to obvious things.

"Just… after my Dad, things never really felt the same between us and I know it wasn't your call and you were just following orders. I was just being a bitch to you; I guess because I could get away with it and I can't do that with the rest of the Club. Then everything with Donna happened so quickly afterward that I just never got a chance to say anything."

"Oh right. That." Juice stated, clearly unsure of what to say, "If you're cool, I'm cool."

"You're still one of my best friends," she added quickly.

"Don't make it weird, Sare," he stated in exasperation, but she could hear the smile in his voice.

"Well, I just feel like I need to say it. Especially after losing Donna. You were one of the first people I met in Charming that I just clicked with. You didn't see me as the little kid that always hung around."

"That's because I wasn't around when you were a kid," he pointed out with a snicker.

"Hey, I'm tryin' to be sentimental here."

"And I'm telling you that you don't need to be. I already knew all that," he assured before adding, "Even when you're a bitch, we're still friends."

"Will me being in Tacoma change things?"

"I mean we won't be able to get high and play video games anymore," he stated obviously, "but no, I don't think so. If you need anything, call me. I'll always answer for you, no matter how mad you are at me or the Club. You're family."

And just like that, some of the lead weight in Sara's heart was lifted.

"So, Juice told me you guys know who murdered Donna." Sara stated impatiently and didn't miss Happy wince at her direct words. He'd just walked in the door for fuck's sake.

"Did he?" Happy asked vaguely, not falling for her bait, "So then tell me who did it then." Juice was a club man. Sure, he knew the Puerto Rican had a soft spot for his girl, but ultimately, he was in SOA and therefore he lived and breathed SOA.

Sara huffed in response and crossed her arms from her position on the couch.

"Nice try," Happy commended, pulling his kutte off and removing his holster.

"That's not what I meant," she grumbled, watching him move to grab a beer before making his way over to the couch where she was sitting with crossed legs, crossed arms, and a pout. He was grateful she'd finally snapped out of her catatonia, but she'd since channeled all her energy into being hell-bent on finding out what happened to her best friend.

It was only a matter of time before she reached out to other sources within the club, he'd known that. She had quite a few SOA men wrapped around her fingers so he couldn't predict who she would go to, but his money had been on Juice or Kozik considering they were the mostly likely to break rules in an effort to appease her.

"He told me that Piney tried to go after someone, which means there's obviously someone to go after."

"The old man was wrong," Happy stated with a shrug. It was the truth. Piney had charged full-throttle into the Niner's bar and held them all up at gunpoint. According to Jax, Laroy had denied responsibility for the hit, leaving the Sons back at square one.

"Okay, so then tell me who he went after if its not them."

"Sare, just let the Club handle this one," he sighed in irritation. Her incessant needling about the topic was grinding his last nerve. He'd been patient with her for weeks since she'd been so fragile, but now she seemed to be taking advantage of his patience.

"What?"

"I'm serious."

"So am I. Hap, she was my best friend. I can't just… let that go."

"You sign up for classes yet?"

"Don't change the subject."

"Well I ain't gonna tell you shit," he sighed, running a hand over his head in frustration, "Sara, you ask me every goddamn day. If I was gonna tell you, I would've by now. When it's handled, you'll know."

"How many fucking times do we have to fight about you keeping things from me before you stop doing it?" She snapped before climbing off the couch and stopping out of the room. She heard him swear under his breath in annoyance before she slammed the bedroom door. Immediately, she winced hearing the thin walls rattle. Fuck, she hadn't meant to slam it that hard. She paced, counting the seconds before the door whipped open.

"I know you didn't just slam a goddamn door, under my roof, on purpose..." he warned menacingly. She shook her heard quickly, moving to the far side of the bed skittishly. He bristled at her reaction, hating that she was putting something between them as if she were scared. Calming himself down, he shook his head before tilting it to crack his neck.

"For fuck's sake Sara, I don't know what you expect from me," he finally growled, "Opie's wife was just murdered, and we can't tell if it was on purpose or if it was meant for Ope, so until we do, I'm not letting you go rogue and do something stupid just 'cause you're spun out from grief."

"Gee, thanks," she sassed but simmered down under his glare. She knew he was doing his best to control himself and actually communicate with her. Her sarcastic commentary would only derail how hard she'd worked to get him to talk instead of shut down. Still, it felt so good to lash out at something, even if it was unfair to him.

"I'm not fuckin' around. I'd rather you be pissed at me than be dead."

"No one's gonna come after me." Sara scoffed in denial, but the thought gave her nervous pause. She hadn't considered that before.

"Well I'm not taking that chance just so your feelings don't get hurt."

"Hap, Donna was Opie's wife. The mother of his children. I'm just—"

"Just what? You think you're less of a target because we ain't hitched? You're still my Old Lady and I got more enemies than Ope," he practically growled, "besides, you have familial connection. You're a bigger target than she ever was."

"Will I ever be 'safe' enough for you to tell me things?" she accused harshly, "You already chose where I went to school, moved me against my will, lied about my dad; you've done all sorts of things to control me to 'keep me safe'. Now I can't even ask about my best friend's murder."

"Sare—"

"Tell me that I'm wrong," she challenged. When he was silent, she continued, "Just because you don't want to hear it, doesn't make me wrong. It just makes you too ignorant to see the truth, which is ironic considering how hard you try to avoid telling it." The muscles in his jaw ticked as he ground his molars, his hand itching to put her in her place.

"Watch your mouth," he warned through clenched teeth. She spotted his clenched fists and words came tumbling out of her mouth before she could process.

"Why? You gonna hit me again?" she spat, immediately freezing when hurt flashed behind his eyes. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"Its fine." He dismissed, but she knew from the way he averted his eyes that she'd twisted that knife too hard.

"No, it's really not," she sighed, deescalating with guilt, "That was too far."

"I deserved it."

"No, you didn't." She sighed, frustrated that they couldn't even agree on this.

"I know you act like you're over that shit, but you ain't," he rasped quietly, "and you shouldn't be."

"You're not the first man to put me in my place. I knew what I was doing at the time. Its as much my fault as yours."

"Then stop weaponizing it against me. I'm fuckin' sick of you actin' like you're fine with shit and then throwin' it in my face whenever you get pissed."

"Yea, well, welcome to living with your girlfriend," she grumbled, placing her hands on her hips. They stared at each other in silence for a beat before she finally caved and sighed. She needed to backtrack over all the damage she'd done and get back to her point.

"Hap, I'm sorry you think it's annoying or whatever when I ask about Donna, but I can't do anything without thinking about it; I can't close my eyes without seeing the inside of her skull. I need to know that you guys are doing something. I need to know that when the time comes, you'll take care of it." Her fierceness both made him proud and concerned; there was a darkness in her eyes since that night that worried him. He made his way slowly around the bed toward her.

"I will," he promised calmly before continuing, "but I can't do that if I'm worried about something happening to you. I-I can't lose you." He whispered, and she swore she could hear a hitch in his quiet voice. She nodded in understanding, her eyes glassy. Fuck, so much for 'no more crying'.

"I know; I'm sorry. All I've done is think about how I feel, and I didn't think about how you might feel seeing a brother lose his wife… especially since we've been together," she delicately responded, choking up with tears.

"Are you okay?" she finally thought to ask.

"S'fine," he deflected, not wanting to get into his own feelings. Donna's death had fucked with him too. SAMCRO seemed sure the shot was meant for Opie, but in the back of Hap's mind he couldn't help but wonder, what if it had been meant for her. Truly, he'd needed more of his anxiety meds since Donna. He'd woken up a few times with Sara gone from the bed beside him and he'd immediately feared the worst, frantically reaching for his gun and throwing back the blankets, only to realize she was in the bathroom or getting a glass of water.

He was in new territory; sure, maybe he'd known a brother who had lost a wife, but not violently like Donna, and not since Sara came crashing into his life. Not since, suddenly, he could relate for the first time to how it might feel to lose a partner.

"You?" he asked after pushing aside his dark thoughts.

"I feel like I'm just going stir crazy. All I do all day is sit in this apartment and stare at the walls and just replay that night over and over in my head."

"You need to get out more."

"And do what?"

"Maybe you gettin' more involved with the club up here will help?" he offered quietly. He knew it was a dicey move to bring up SAMTAC. Her eyes predictably narrowed at the recommendation. He paused in response. Maybe she wasn't ready to hear that.

"Just spit out whatever you need to say," she sighed, wiping under her eyes, embarrassed by yet another emotional break. She should be used to crying in front of him by now, but she knew Happy didn't like when she cried. She really needed to get her shit under control before he shipped her back to Charming for being too much of a hassle. He was a man; the last thing he wanted to do after a long day was come home and take care of a blubbering woman day after day. She was supposed to be taking care of his needs.

"Alanna wants you to come to a SAMTAC event…" Happy finally stated, rolling his eyes at the message from the President's wife. When did he become the goddamn pony-express passing messages between the women? He quickly added, "I can tell her you aren't up for it yet. She'll understand."

"No, it's fine," she murmured, hating the idea already but he was right; she needed to go make nice with Lee's Old Lady. She needed the distraction plus it would go a long way to winning over and repairing the damage she'd done last time she'd been in Tacoma. Lee had made it very clear that he didn't trust her. Now that her father was out of the equation, she hoped they could start fresh, or at least she could try to endear herself to him in some capacity, and often the easiest way to a club man's heart was through his Old Lady. If this was to be her new home, she needed to sack up, grow a spine, and bury the hatchet. "When is it?"

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and Sara's eyes narrowed.

"Hap, when is the event…." she asked pointedly.

"Tonight. In like two hours actually," he finally admitted. She groaned in distress. At least he had the humility to look a little guilty. "Didn't think you'd say yes."

"For fuck's sake…" she grumbled, pushing past him to her pile of duffel bags in the corner, "What kind of event is this anyway?"

"Charity potluck dinner," he stated with a shrug. His earlier guilt crept back when Sara's head snapped up and blue eyes bored holes into him.

"A potluck? You waited until the last minute to tell me about a fucking potluck?" she snapped, turning her attention back to the bags on the floor. Her digging was more aggressive. "Unbelievable. I cannot believe you would do this to me."

"What the fuck did I do?" He asked, confusion written over his features. Men, she mentally scoffed.

"Happy. You know that I need to win Lee's trust and get into his good graces. You know what won't do that? Showing up to his wife's potluck empty-handed. I need her to like me," she explained as if it were obvious, "I'm going to make you a list. You will go buy the supplies without question. You will bring them back. All of the them. If you can't find it in the store, then you go to a different store, and so on, until you get me everything I need. Got it?" She commanded. When he didn't answer, she looked up from the bag to catch his smirk.

"What?" she asked, not finding any of it amusing.

"Nothing, just been awhile since you've been so bossy," he stated with a shrug, "its hot."

"Well you won't be getting laid anytime soon if tonight doesn't go well. Don't fuck this up."

"Yes ma'am."

"Don't call me that," she grumbled, turning her nose up at the term, "Makes me sound old."

"The list?" he asked grabbing a pen and some old scrap paper from the drawer by the bed. She recited a few things as she fished through the bags, more or less dumping them on the floor in a pile. His nerves itched to tidy it all up but he ignored it in hopes she would clean it up herself.

"How the fuck do I pull off looking hot in winter? A fucking sweater is hardly sexy," she asked exasperated.

"Just wear whatever and a coat," he stated unhelpfully, not really paying attention and scanning the list to make sure he wrote everything she said. Then he heard a sniffle. Christ, not again.

"Sare?"

"I'm fine. I just…" she started, rubbing her face, "I just grabbed my phone to text her and ask for advice on what to wear… It's just not sunken in all the way yet. I'm fine. Go to the store and get those things. I'll figure out what I'm going to wear and start getting ready," she stated firmly and she busied her hands refusing to meet his eyes.

"Are you sure I look okay?" she asked for the hundredth time.

"Ya," he answered with an annoyed eye roll as they walked toward the community center where the event was being hosted.

"Don't get pissed with me. You're the one who waited until the last minute to tell me about it," she responded haughtily.

"Took me like five seconds to change my shirt," he shot back. Fuck, he didn't think he'd ever get used to her high maintenance. They weren't embarrassingly late, but they weren't on time either.

"Well I guess I could've just done the same and worn one of your shirts, but my bare ass would be hanging out. Would you have preferred that instead?" she responded flippantly, amused at the thought. He swatted her ass playfully in response. She'd settled on snug dark jeans tucked into black heeled boots, and a black, silky, long-sleeved button down. She'd managed to throw together a quick side dish, which Happy now carried in one of his large hands. He grabbed the door for her, and she rushed into the heated entryway, keeping his dark hoodie pulled tightly around her. Turns out her mother hadn't packed her a suitable coat when they'd thrown together her bags, so now she was stuck looking like a child in his over-sized sweatshirt.

"Thank god; it's warm in here."

"You're in for a rude awakenin' if you think this is cold," a voice stated from behind. She jumped, startled by the voice, and proceeded to hurriedly pull off his hoodie, not wanting to look like a slob. Coming in behind Hap was another guy in a Tacoma SOA kutte.

"You must be Sara?" he said as more of a statement than a question.

"I am." She kept her head held high as he looked her over.

"Well, seeing her in person," the man whistled lowly, "I can't blame ya, Hap." Happy only shrugged and nodded, though a prideful smirk pulled at the corners of his mouth.

"She's okay," Happy teased and Sara pulled a childish face, "This is Bowie."

"Oh, well shit, look at me forgettin' my manners and just starin' like an idiot; I suppose you're used to it with a face like that. I'm Bowie. Pleasure to meet ya. Heard a lot about you…" he trailed off and made a pointed look at Happy before continuing, "mostly from Kozik since this asshole likes to keep shit to himself."

"That's surprising… he's usually so chatty when its just to two of us," she joked dryly. Bowie chuckled and Happy flipped her the finger while leading them into the main hall. Happy lead them towards the table with food on it and he haphazardly set the dish on the table. With a sigh and an eye roll, Sara grabbed it and moved past him as he shrugged, not seeing the issue.

Sara made her way towards the brunette that she remembered meeting last time she was in Tacoma. The queen bee was clearly bossing around some other ladies as Sara approached. Unsure of what to say, she slowed her pace, but was spotted by the sharp brown eyes of the woman before her.

"Sara! Hi! Happy made it sound like he didn't think you guys would come tonight."

"I would have confirmed earlier, but he only just told me about it about two hours ago." Sara stated, her annoyance about Hap expressed with an eye roll, but she softened it with a smile. Alanna chuckle in understanding.

"Where would you like me to put this?"

"Oh, that's so sweet, you didn't need to bring anything!" The brunette gushed. While she didn't have the same harsh edge that Gemma used to keep everyone in line, Alanna still managed to exude dominance. She knew she was in change, and she expected everyone else to fall in line. Sara knew that the woman before her must have a wicked streak a mile long (you couldn't maintain order among the ladies without one) but it was buried under disarmingly soft features and kind eyes.

"It's just a side dish, once again, due to the last minute nature but Hap said it's a potluck and its rude to arrive empty-handed so…" Alanna took the dish from her hands and passed it to a young woman who was walking past.

"Well I'm glad someone here was raised right, Alanna approved with a judgmental glance at the collection of sweetbutts traipsing around. Sara smiled softly to herself. Sara: 1, Sweetbutts: 0

Alanna flagged down one of the women and handed her the dish, indicating where to place it down the long tables set up.

"So, I just want to say, I heard about your friend and I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through," Alanna offered. She seemed genuine, which warmed Sara from the inside. The blonde simply nodded and whispered a quick 'thank you'.

"Is there anything I can help with?" Sara offered, trying to change the subject and simultaneously swallow the lump in her throat. She couldn't cry here, in front of everyone.

"Oh no, don't worry about it. I have the working girls working their asses off so us Ladies don't have to," Alanna whispered conspiratorially. Sara couldn't be sure if they were legitimately prostitutes, or Alanna was just making a joke; she'd have to ask Hap about it later. If they were selling sex, she might be able to get a foot in the door that way, offering her own expertise and advice, or just offer to pick up some office hours when they were in a pinch.

"Are you sure? I don't mind helping."

"No, its fine. I'll let you know if I need anything, but otherwise feel free to mingle and get to know people. I know how shitty it can be to be the 'new girl' in this town. Especially around this crowd." Alanna stated with a bright smile. She gestured over Sara's shoulder and the blonde turned to see Happy catch her gaze.

"For Christ's sake, Hap. This is a goddamn charity, not a middle school dance. Stop being weird across the room and get your woman a drink," Alanna teased warmly and winked at Sara. Happy snorted as he approached.

"Its only a matter of time before you have us working security on middle school dances," Happy grumbled with an affectionate eye roll. Alanna shrugged.

"Well, when you start fucking Lee, you can choose the charity events," she sang with a smug look and excused herself to find her husband.

"She seems nice," Sara whispered when Alanna was out of earshot.

"Yea, she's a good girl. Keeps Lee in line," Happy observed with a nod, "She assign you to help feed people or some shit?"

"No, she said I'm off the hook tonight and that I should 'meet' people," Sara stated glumly.

"You're the only woman here who's pissed to not be helping," he responded amused, leading her with a hand on her lower back toward a group of guys gathering around the table serving as a 'bar'.

"What can I say, I live to serve."

"I'll remember that," Happy snorted.

A/N: A long one for you because you're so special to me. I couldn't bring myself to cut it, and every time I reread it, I kept adding more and more. Finally decided I just need to post. Enjoy! Review to let me know you're still with me as we transition a bit into Tacoma territory.

Stay safe and healthy, L