4-19-20

Every Word

S3,Ep3- Goblin's Gold/S3,Ep6- The Changeling

"But there's one you care for even more than my host- one who doesn't even know…"

A flash of panic at the memory of the goblin's words roused Merlin from unconsciousness with a jolt. He looked around the physician's chambers to find himself alone. The goblin had used whatever strange magic he possessed to throw him against the wall after he'd read those thoughts from Merlin's head as if from a book. It chilled him to think of that particular secret being revealed, perhaps even more than the thought of his magic being discovered, however irrational that might be.

He stumbled to his feet, propping himself against the wall until his vision stopped swimming.

Arthur. He had to get to Arthur. There was no telling how long he'd been unconscious. What might the goblin have done to the prince in that time?

He sped through the castle, fear of any suspicion that might befall him thrown to the wayside as concern for Arthur dominated his thoughts, and he burst through the doors to his master's chambers.

His heart nearly stopped at the sight of Arthur lying prone on the floor, the goblin inhabiting Gaius' body standing over him with his hands folded together and a smile on his face.

Merlin's felt his teeth bare in anger. "What have you done to him?" he demanded.

"There's no need to worry- he's only sleeping. Well, for now."

Merlin's tone lowered dangerously. "Tell me what you've done, and I might spare your life."

The goblin laughed. "You won't hurt me. If I die, he'll never wake. And if you try again to ruin my fun, I'll kill him anyway."

Merlin huffed in frustration, eyes falling to Arthur's face, peaceful in sleep.

"You're welcome to try true love's kiss, but I assure you it won't do any good."

Merlin clenched his jaw, learned shame mixing with his stress. "Arthur doesn't deserve this. I'll leave you alone if you undo whatever spell you placed on him. I swear."

"Oh, alright then." Merlin couldn't help but feel a flicker of hope when the goblin stretched out his hands, only to become even more enraged when they withdrew. "On second thought, no."

Merlin used his last shred of patience to sink to his knees beside his master, his head bowed in submission. "Please. I'll do anything you ask. I can get you gold." He lifted his gaze. "More of it than you've ever seen."

"Ahh..." The goblin appeared curious, though whether it was genuine, Merlin wasn't sure. "You drive a hard bargain. I'll consider it, if…"

"If what?"

The grin returned. "If you tell me why."

Merlin frowned, helplessness and guilt causing his eyes to prick suddenly. "You know why."

"I want to hear you say it."

Merlin looked back down at the prince's face.

"Is he worth it to you or was I mistaken? Why can't you just tell me?"

"Because no one can ever know!" Merlin's lips trembled with emotion.

"Know what?"

The warlock's eyes slid shut. "That…"

"Eh, what was that? I didn't hear you, Merlin."

"That I love him!" Merlin opened his eyes again, momentarily relieved that Arthur's remained closed.

"Well, well. If only Arthur were awake to hear you say that. He'd probably never speak to you again. He might even tell his father. What do you suppose your punishment would be?"

"Enough," Merlin whispered. "Undo the spell."

"Why on earth would I do that? He's my security."

Tears blurred Merlin's sight, but he saw clearly enough to glare up at the goblin inhabiting his guardian's body. "If you let him die, you'll wish I'd put you back in the box. I'll make you rue the day you came to exist."

"You'd better not force my hand then," the goblin replied, walking towards the doors. "Oh, and, Merlin?"

The warlock looked over his shoulder.

"If you're not out of Camelot by nightfall, I might just kill him anyway."

Merlin jumped as the door slammed behind him. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve before carefully lifting Arthur from the floor. He laid the prince in his bed and checked his pulse. Arthur murmured as Merlin's fingers touched his neck, where they lingered longer than Merlin knew he should allow. Throwing caution to the wind, his hand slid up to hold Arthur's face.

The deep breath Merlin took failed to return his composure. He let his tears fall freely, worry overtaking him until all that grounded him was the warm pulse beneath Arthur's skin. After he'd regained some control, he blinked his eyes clear to view his prince's face clearly.

"I'm going to save you," he whispered, though he didn't yet know how. "If it's the last thing I do, I'll save you, Arthur."

Merlin made up his mind to remain calm before entering Arthur's chambers. The moment he saw Arthur seated before the fireplace, turning at the sound of his door opening, his resolve faded. He stood frozen at the doorway, a grin all but splitting his face.

"What are you looking so happy about?" Arthur asked, but Merlin recognized his slight smile behind the goblet of wine he brought to his lips.

"It's good to see you alive- awake, I mean. Both are preferable."

"I tend to agree." Arthur stared into the fire, fingernails tracing the design on the goblet he now held in both hands.

"How are you feeling?"

"Good," Arthur answered quickly, making a point to meet Merlin's eyes, if only for a moment.

Merlin approached the fireplace, curious as to what had his master so distracted. He noticed the table behind them was bare. "Have you had dinner yet?"

"Well, you were nowhere to be found."

"I'll take that as a no?"

Arthur continued to fiddle with his cup without answer.

Perhaps it was the tension in the air that prompted Merlin to flee. "I'll go fetch it then." He started toward the door.

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, I'm sure your armor needs polishing, my lord."

"Merlin."

The warlock froze with his hand on the door's handle.

"...Come sit with me. Please."

Merlin's blood may as well have turned to ice. Arthur knew something. Had the goblin told him Merlin's secret?

Feigning surprise, Merlin returned to his master's side, pulling a chair up next to him, though still a few feet away.

The silence stretched between them, making those few feet seem so much farther. When Arthur finally spoke, his voice sounded distant.

"What happened earlier… with the creature that was using Gaius' body-"

Merlin looked up sharply, only to find Arthur's intense stare looking through him.

"I heard."

Those were the last words Merlin had wanted to hear. He frowned, forcing apathy. "What did you hear?"

Arthur didn't blink. "Every word."

Merlin felt dizzy. "I don't know what you're talking about," he lied woodenly, though surely his face had already betrayed him.

The prince set his goblet on the table, rose from his chair and knelt in front of Merlin. He took hold of the armrests, effectively trapping the boy. "Will you look at me, please?"

Pressed as far back in the chair as possible, Merlin raised his eyes from his lap for only a moment before the sight of the prince's face so close to his brought him to tears. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, hands instantly moving to cover his eyes.

Arthur took his hands gently, drawing them away with a little, encouraging smile. "Don't be sorry."

"I've- I've betrayed you," Merlin sniffled.

Arthur shook his head. "Out of everyone in this castle, Merlin, no one's been more loyal to me than you."

His thumbs brushed the backs of Merlin's hands. A sob escaped Merlin. "Are you mocking me, Arthur?"

"No," Arthur said, pulling the servant into his arms. "I know I've behaved poorly towards you, Merlin, but please don't think me that cruel."

Arms pinned against Arthur's chest, Merlin remained limp in his master's embrace. "Then why tell me?"

A deep breath preceded Arthur's reply. "Because you're not the only who feels that way." He drew back, taking Merlin's face in his hands and brushing the tears away. A nervous smile adorned his face. "I've never been good at… expressing my feelings."

"Oh, yeah?"

Arthur snorted. "Yeah."

Merlin's frown relaxed as he began to accept what was happening. "Are you serious?"

For all the confidence he displayed, the same fear Merlin felt even now was visible in Arthur's eyes. "Yes."

Succumbing to the moment, Merlin slowly brought a hand to Arthur's cheek, stroking it slowly. "Say it."

Arthur licked his lips, his mouth opening for a moment before he spoke. "I love you, Merlin."

Merlin let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, a smile creeping up his face. But when Arthur leaned in closer, reality hit him. He pressed his forehead to the prince's.

"What's wrong?" Arthur whispered.

"...We can't."

"Why not?"

Merlin's frown returned, and he pulled back to look Arthur in the eye. He didn't want to say it- that would make it real- but the truth could not be ignored for long. "Because one day, it will be your duty to marry, and produce an heir."

Arthur clenched his jaw, his eyes lowering.

"This would only make that harder for both of us," Merlin continued.

"...You're right," Arthur replied finally in defeat. "Of course you're right." His hands slid from Merlin's face reluctantly and he got to his feet, turning back to the fire to rest his fists over the mantle.

Merlin stood up slowly, the pulse thumping in his ears the only indication that his heart had not completely shattered.

"I'm sorry," Arthur told him, still looking down at the fire. "I shouldn't have said anything. It was stupid of me. Selfish."

Merlin wanted to ease his pain. He wanted to tell him everything would be okay. That one day they'd forget, or that knowing Arthur felt this way was better than not knowing.

But he walked out without a word. He couldn't lie to Arthur this time.

"What did you think you were doing?!"

The king's shout carried through the door he'd slammed in Merlin's face, not even noticing the servant who'd trailed behind him.

"The right thing, Father," Arthur answered him with confidence Merlin had not expected.

"For who?" Uther demanded. "For Camelot or for yourself?"

"The two things aren't entirely separate."

Merlin pressed his ear to the door when the king's voice lowered with unspoken threat. "Until you put duty before your feelings you are clearly not ready to be king."

Arthur had stood against his father before, but never with the assurance that Merlin heard in his voice now. "When I'm ready to be king, I'll be a much better king for the support and strength... of a person I love."

Merlin smiled. His prince had come so far from that naive, arrogant boy he'd met three years ago. He was stronger now, wiser. He was the Once and Future King.

"You do not enjoy the luxury of marrying for love," Uther said. "That is the price you pay for the crown."

"...Then I find the price too high."

Uther scoffed in disbelief. As his footsteps approached the door, Merlin stood back against the wall, still close enough to hear Uther's next words. "I'm ashamed of you, Arthur."

Merlin kept his eyes down and his face void of expression as Uther passed by him and stormed down the hallway.

Again, he'd not even noticed Merlin's presence.

"And best to keep it that way." The voice of reason in his head was Gaius'.

He rested his hand on the door's handle as doubt filled his mind. There was no reason to think Arthur had done this for him. He simply wanted to wait until he found the right person- the right woman.

But wasn't his place at Arthur's side right now, as his friend if nothing else?

With a steadying breath, Merlin entered the room, closing the door quietly behind him. Arthur sat on the foot of the bed, arms resting over his knees. The confidence Merlin had heard in his voice moments before seemed drained from him, even as he turned to look at his servant.

Merlin smiled for him. "You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. Your father may not see that, but I do. I'm proud of you, Arthur."

His heart warmed when the prince's pensive expression gave way to a fond smile. "Then I know I've done the right thing."

While drawn to the affection on his master's face, his fear of the consequences led Merlin to reach for the door again.

"Wait," Arthur commanded, and- seeming to catch himself- humbly followed up with, "please."

Merlin turned back to him, once again revealing nothing.

Arthur got off the bed, but didn't approach.

"Do you need help with your chainmail, Sire?"

"Do you know why I did it, Merlin?"

Merlin lowered his eyes. "For yourself, I hope, Sire."

"Yes," Arthur answered. "I did. ...While my father is king, I know there are some things that cannot be, shy of leaving Camelot."

"You can't," Merlin said. "It's your destiny, Arthur."

"You said yourself that I deserve happiness." Arthur took a single step forward. "Destiny be damned."

Merlin shook his head. "Some things are set in stone, Arthur. If you're not to be king…" He thought of the sacrifices that had been made in the name of Albion. His own best friend dying to protect the man Merlin had sworn would bring about a better world. "Then it's all been for nothing."

Arthur looked a little confused, but accepted Merlin's words. "Then some things must wait until I am king."

Familiar misgivings filled Merlin's thoughts. "You must… you must marry a woman, Arthur," he whispered. "When you're ready, when you've found the right one-"

"There is no other 'right one,'" Arthur stated, his hands on his hips. "There's only you."

"But I can't-" Merlin stopped when his voice cracked, swiping tears from his eyes before they could spill. "I can't give you an heir," he whispered.

"I don't care."

"You don't mean that-"

"I know what I mean," Arthur insisted. "All my life, I've been told what I must and must not do, but you've taught me to analyze the rules, Merlin. A steward can be placed on the throne. Our council could elect a new king once I've passed. I won't waste my life faking feelings for a woman when I know my heart will always belong to you."

Arthur let out a breath of relief when he'd finished, a smile warming his face.

Merlin didn't move or speak, hardly daring to breath. He realized that he didn't know what to say because, this time, he knew the prince would not be dissuaded.

Arthur's hands fell to his sides. "If you feel the same," he stammered. "If you don't- if you've changed your mind, that's… I'll understand. Just please tell me if you-"

Merlin crossed the space between them in a few quick strides, his lips meeting Arthur's with all the longing that had grown between them. The prince's arms were strong around him, roaming over Merlin's back and hips with a desperate need he'd denied for so long.

Merlin didn't realize how firmly he held Arthur's head until the prince tried to pull away, and it took all his composure to allow it.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Arthur panted. "As long as my father is king, I fear I cannot guarantee your safety."

"He doesn't scare me," Merlin replied with a grin, but Arthur's face was solemn.

"He should. Merlin, if he ever found out, all blame would fall to you."

Merlin nodded understanding. He wanted to explain to Arthur that he was more powerful than Uther would ever imagine. That he'd had magic since he was born. That he was a dragonlord.

Keeping those secrets from Arthur now was more difficult than ever, but he wouldn't allow that pain to ruin this moment. "I'll be careful. I promise."

Arthur held him close, nuzzling Merlin's hair with warm, heavy breaths. "We will," he said.

"...We should probably lock the door."

Arthur snorted, kissing Merlin's forehead before reluctantly releasing him to fulfill this task.

After he'd bolted the door, he stood still for a moment, his back to Merlin. "I was wrong," he said.

Merlin cocked his head to the side, a trace of concern entering his tone. "About what?"

Arthur dispelled his fear with his most charming grin. "I do need help with this chainmail. Maybe more than that."

Merlin's scoff did nothing to conceal his interest.