The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is putting up with a bunch of phonies. Just something that came out of my crazy little mind.

Archer In The Rye

"Hello Ms. Archer," Gladys the nurse walked into Archer's room. "How's life treating you today?"

"Like a pigeon treats a statue in the park," Mallory told her. She was in her chair in the corner reading a book.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Gladys said as she checked Archer's vitals.

"At least I'm having a productive day," Mallory sighed as she put down her book. "I read the newspaper and finished the crossword puzzle. And the Jumble. And the Search A Word. And every other puzzle they had in there."

"Most people I know don't even read the newspaper," Gladys remarked. "Much less do all the puzzles."

"Well the peace and quiet helps," Mallory sighed. "Normally I'd barely start the crossword at work before some kind of catastrophe happened. Usually involving either Sterling, Lana, Pam or Krieger. Or involving Carol and glue. And scissors. Don't ask."

"I won't," Gladys said.

"Then I checked the New York Society column on my phone," Mallory went on. "Read and replied to a few e-mails. Did some online shopping. Paid some bills. I have to admit Cyril setting me up with online pre-pay or whatever you call it was worth it. Less time I actually have to talk to people."

"Uh huh…"

"I finished another chapter in my memoirs," Mallory went on. "And started reading the first chapter in my new book."

"Which book?"

Mallory showed her. "Catcher In The Rye. More like Catcher In The Whine. And not the fun drinking kind."

"Seriously?" Gladys asked.

"It's on my book bucket list!" Mallory protested. "You know that list of books that everybody says you have to read at least once."

"You didn't read that in high school?" Gladys asked.

"It was written in the 50's," Mallory looked at her. "I graduated high school just before the Second World War. Obviously, I never read it. Then again neither did Sterling. And now I know why. I just found a teenage boy that whined and complained more than him!"

"That book isn't exactly well liked among my nieces and nephews as well," Gladys nodded. "And they had to write papers on it."

"I think I just figured out why this country has such a huge reading problem," Mallory told her. "It's that the books they make the students read are so horrible and depressing it kills any interest they have!"

"Told you to read Oprah's biography," Gladys shook her head.

"I'm reading that next as soon as I skim through this garbage," Mallory grumbled as she looked at the book.

"You could always just get the Cliff Notes version," Gladys said. "That would be faster and you'd get all the important stuff you need to know."

"What are these Cliff Notes you speak of?" Mallory was confused.

"You don't know what Cliff Notes are?" Gladys asked. "They're basically small books that have everything you need to know about a book. Plot, characters, all that stuff. Usually sold to students as a study aid. But let's be honest, they're basically a book report all laid out for them. All they have to do is put everything in their own words…"

"Are you telling me," Mallory realized. "That Sterling had a legitimate source he could cheat off of and he still got F's on almost all of his book reports?"

"Uh…" Gladys paused.

"Unbelievable," Mallory threw the book down. "Only Sterling would be too lazy to cheat!"

She looked at her son. "I'm learning a lot about you! And it's not good! We have a lot to talk about when you wake up! In fact, this is going on the list!"

"List?" Gladys was curious about.

"Little discussions I need to have with Sterling when he wakes up," Mallory took out a notebook and started writing in it. "This one is 162. Failure to use Cliff Notes. Do you have any idea how much money I could have saved in bribes if he was just bothered to cheat?"

"Maybe he had too much integrity to do so?" Gladys suggested.

Mallory responded by laughing out loud. "Oh Gladys," She giggled. "That's so funny! You're funny!"

"I'm serious," Gladys looked at her. "Maybe he would rather fail honestly than cheat?"

"Oh please!" Mallory scoffed. "More like he'd rather sleep off his latest hangover than have an ounce of ambition to work! You don't know my son Gladys. He slept with brides on their honeymoon. Widows at funerals. Used his co-workers' names as a cover whenever he got arrested and stole from me every chance he got. Trust me. Integrity is not in my son's vocabulary. Unless he's talking about his damn turtlenecks and how well they're made. Then he won't shut up about it."

"Are you telling me you would have rather seen your son cheat?" Gladys was stunned.

"Yes!" Mallory snapped. "At least then I'd know he was making an effort! Other than trying to get into the panties of his lacrosse coach's wife!"

"What?" Gladys did a double take.

"You heard me," Mallory sighed. "Sterling slept with the wife of his lacrosse coach. Boy that was an awkward awards dinner!"

"You're serious?" Gladys was stunned. "Your teenage son…"

"Committed adultery with a woman in her 30's," Mallory told her. "Yes! Right under the table during the banquet! Then the idiot had the nerve to stand up and boast about the whole thing while wearing nothing but those ridiculous heart boxers and a smile. Little wonder the coach had a nervous breakdown and chased him all over the place with an axe."

"That's horrible," Gladys gasped.

"I know! And so was the food!" Mallory added. "And don't get me started on the drinks! Third worst banquet ever!"

"Oh, my lord," Gladys was stunned.

"God, I had to pay through the nose just so Sterling wouldn't get expelled," Mallory groaned. "Which admittedly was not as much as I had to pay when he punched out his Social Studies teacher."

"He did what now?" Gladys did a double take.

"They were doing some kind of Model UN thing and Sterling got a tad carried away," Mallory waved. "He beat up several other students too. Then again, he did that all the time on the lacrosse field. Do you have any idea how hard it was to listen to the other mothers whining all the time? Your son broke my son's nose. Your son broke my son's arm. Your son kicked my son in the leg and he was the referee! On and on! And he wonders why I almost never attended any of his games! Or why he didn't have any friends!"

"Your son sounds vicious," Gladys was horrified.

"Well he had to be," Mallory waved. "He almost drowned when he was a freshman and a couple of older boys stuck his head in the toilet several times. And got an infection and had to stay in the hospital for months. At least that's what Woodhouse told me."

"Hang on," Gladys did a double take. "Your son almost died of bullying and you didn't even visit him?"

"I was working overseas at the time!" Mallory protested. "I sent him a card! What more do you want?"

"Unbelievable…" Gladys was stunned.

"I'll give Sterling this," Mallory shrugged. "He's certainly not the wimp Holden Caulfield was. He actually slept with the prostitutes he hired with on my credit card. And apparently he did something unspeakable with a small exotic deer."

"Good lord."

Mallory went on. "And that one time he was committed to an insane asylum under another name, he just seduced one of the female doctors and was out by the end of the day."

"How did that happen?" Gladys asked.

"I was trying to teach him a lesson about something," Mallory frowned. "Can't remember what. The point is I wasted thousands of dollars for an afternoon's peace. Then again I was able to finish my crossword puzzle."

"I should write a book," Gladys shook her head as she left the room.