I 100% stole the name of this story from what Meredith said to Andy in the season 3 finale. I hope you like it!
Maya had been feeling weirdly anxious and grumpy for the past few days. She had been working hard, but this seemed like more than that to her which was annoying because she couldn't figure out what was going on.
She was starting to feel a little like how she did about a year earlier when she had first started seeing Dr. Lewis and got diagnosed with severe, chronic anxiety and depression. She had been on medications for the past 11 months, and they had been working pretty well for about the past six.
She sighed as she walked into the apartment she and Carina had officially been sharing for the past four months.
"Hey Bella," the brunette said, smiling from the couch where she was reading a book, "How was work?"
"Fine," Maya said, rubbing her eyes as she walked into the bedroom.
Carina sensed something was off and followed.
"What's going on Bella?" Carina asked as Maya pulled off her work clothes.
"I've just been having some off days," Maya said, shrugging as she pulled on a t-shirt, "I just feel weirdly anxious and I've been having a hard time sleeping again."
"Makes sense," Carina said, nodding, "I have too."
"Why?" Maya asked, sitting down on the bed next to Carina.
"Tomorrow, it will have been a year since everything went down," Carina said, not looking at Maya, knowing that talking about the incident with Jack was still a heavy source of shame for the blonde.
"Oh," Maya said, biting her lip, "I didn't even realize though so why is it affecting me like this?"
"It was traumatic," Carina said, taking Maya's hand in hers, "That entire week. The brain and body remember the traumas subconsciously, even if you don't consciously remember them."
"Well that's stupid," Maya said, shaking her head, "I don't want to feel like this. It's been going so well. I'm finally feeling like myself again."
"I know," Carina said, sighing, "It's been difficult for me too, but we will get through this."
"I'm sorry," Maya said, feeling like she needed to say it again even though they had worked hard to get passed what had happened.
"There's no need to apologize," Carina said, shaking her head as she lifted Maya's chin and giving her a kiss.
They just sat together for a minute before Carina spoke again.
"What would you think about going somewhere?" the OB said as Maya looked at her, "Getting away for a few days. Maybe just going up to the mountains or something."
"That actually sounds amazing," Maya said, nodding, "I am off for the next three days and I'm sure Andy can handle the station for one shift which would give us 5 days? We could get an AirBnB."
"Sounds good to me," Carina said, "I can easily get some time off, especially with all the overtime that I've been putting in recently. Let's see what's open."
They grabbed Maya's laptop, finding a treehouse bungalow that they could rent starting that day. They decided to go for it, both of them knowing how much the other one needed to get away. They booked the place before going about getting their time off in order. Neither of them had any problem with it and within two hours, they had packed and were getting ready to go.
"Did we forget anything?" Maya asked as she finished packing up some food.
"I don't think so," Carina said, shaking her head as she filled their water bottles.
"Are we really doing this?" Maya said, looking at Carina.
"Yes," Carina said, smiling as she walked over and kissed Maya, "It will be good for us to be out of here for a few days."
Maya nodded, grabbing the bag of food as well as her duffle while Carina grabbed hers.
"Let's go," Maya said, making sure everything was turned off before they left.
They climbed into the car, having already decided Maya would drive because she got carsick if she wasn't driving. Carina had no qualms about it because driving in the US was still a little strange to her.
"Do you want to listen to music or talk?" Carina asked, looking at her girlfriend as she started driving.
"Whatever you want," Maya said, smiling over at Carina.
Carina put on some soft music that they could easily talk over if they wanted to. About five minutes into the drive, Maya looked over at her girlfriend, noticing she looked a thousand miles away.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked gently, drawing Carina out of her thoughts.
"I don't know," Carina said, shaking her head, "Just about everything that has happened in the past 12 months. About how much our lives have changed. About how a year ago, if someone would have told me I would still be with you, I would have laughed at them. Also a little bit about how hard all of it had been."
"Care to elaborate?" Maya asked, noticing Carina looking down at her hands, clearly still wanting to talk.
"I was also thinking about how it felt to watch you go through all of it," Carina said, "And how hard it was for me to go through it too. All the tears and sleepless nights and fear and learning how to trust again. And I would do it all again to be here with you."
"I love you," Maya said, trying not to tear up as she reached for Carina's hand, keeping the other one on the steering wheel.
"I love you too Bella," Carina said, smiling.
The rest of the drive, they chatted about work and their friends and how their individual therapies were going.
They stopped at a grocery store near their place, grabbing some essentials for the next few days. They also stopped at a deli/bakery where they got some soup and sandwiches for lunch along with some pastries at Carina's insistence.
They then headed up to their place, Maya smiling as she watched the joy on Carina's face when they pulled in.
"This place is magical," Carina said as they pulled their bags out of the car.
They headed up the steps, Maya opening the door with the key they had also picked up on the way.
"This is adorable," Carina said, setting some of the grocery bags down in the kitchen.
"You're adorable," Maya said, cracking a smile at Carina.
The brunette walked over to her, kissing Maya passionately.
"Mhhhh," Maya said, pulling back as things got heated, "Babe, mmmhhh, as much as I want to continue this, we need to put away the food before it goes bad."
Carina pouted a little, but knew Maya was right, going into the kitchen and starting to unload. Maya helped and before long, everything was away and they were sitting down for lunch.
"Look at that view," Maya said, looking out the huge bay windows that overlooked the mountains.
"I like my view better," Carina said, looking at Maya.
The blonde smiled and leaned over, planting a kiss on Carina's lips before they started eating.
Once lunch was over, Maya suggested a hike and Carina obliged so they put on some hiking shoes and set out.
Maya let Carina set the pace, knowing that she often walked way too fast to be enjoyable for anyone who wasn't her. They walked leisurely, finding a nice path that lead to a waterfall. It was too cold to go in, but they stopped and sat on some rocks, just enjoying the sights and sounds.
Once they finished the hike, they went back to the house, barely making it in the house before Carina all but jumped Maya, the two of them falling into bed.
After they had amazing vacation sex, Carina dozed in bed while Maya got up, heading into the kitchen to start dinner.
Once the vegan pot pie was in the oven, she grabbed her book, curling up on the couch with it and a blanket. She read for about a half an hour before Carina came out of the bedroom.
"Did you have a good nap?" Maya asked, setting down her book and opening her arms to her girlfriend.
"Si," Carina said, "But it would have been better if you would have joined me."
"I made dinner instead," Maya said, leaning over and kissing her, "You know I'm not good at napping."
Carina nodded, knowing every time she tried to get Maya to nap with her, even when she was exhausted, were never successful.
"It smells amazing in here," Carina said, taking a deep breath.
"Vegan pot pie," Maya said, knowing it was one of Carina's favorites.
Carina smiled and moved to kiss Maya, starting a long, steamy make out session.
An alarm started going off and Maya pulled away, "If I don't get that, dinner will burn."
Carina pouted but let Maya up. She went into the kitchen, pulling dinner out of the oven.
"You hungry?" Maya asked.
"Yes," Carina said, getting up and going to Maya.
They made a quick salad before sitting down to their dinner.
"Look at the stars," Carina said, pointing to the sky.
"This is the best part of being out here," Maya said, looking up, "Almost no light pollution. After dinner, we should go out and enjoy them."
They had dinner, cleaning up the kitchen together before putting on some warm clothes, grabbing some blankets, turning off all the lights in the house, and heading outside.
"This is amazing," Carina said as they spread out one of the blankets, sitting down.
Maya wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and they just watched the stars.
Eventually, it got too cold and Carina wanted to go in. They went in, enjoyed a nice soak in the large bath tub before heading to bed, both of them exhausted.
Carina woke up around 4 am having a panic attack. It happened from time to time after a bad dream, but it never made it easy. She sat straight up, gasping for air, feeling like a 500 pound weight was on her chest. The motion woke Maya who immediately sat up, flicking on the light. Once she realized what was going on, she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend.
"Just breath with me Car," she said softly, "Ready? Breath in… Good, now out."
After about five minutes, Carina finally felt like she could breathe a little better and Maya released her tight grip, instead just holding her girlfriend, running her fingers through her long hair.
"Wanna talk about it?" Maya asked softly, kissing the top of Carina's head.
"Not really," Carina said, shaking her head.
Maya nodded, just keeping Carina in her arms.
"It was about you and Jack," Carina said softly, regretting it as soon as she felt Maya stiffen but she decided to finish it, "It was a stupid nightmare, nothing more."
"I'm so sorry," Maya said softly, holding Carina a little tighter.
"It is not your fault," Carina said, pushing out of Maya's arms and looking at her girlfriend, "None of this is your fault. It's just how the brain processes. It's terrible, but it's how it works."
Maya nodded, not meeting Carina's eye. Carina just leaned over and embraced her girlfriend, Maya immediately reciprocating. They just sat there for a minute before Carina pulled back.
"Do you want to try to sleep some more?" Maya asked.
"I don't know if I'll be able to get back to sleep right now," Carina said, rubbing her eyes, "I'm too awake."
"Do you want to go watch the sunrise?" Maya asked, looking at the time and realizing they could catch a beautiful scene if they got up.
"Sure," Carina said, nodding, "That actually sounds really nice."
"And then you can nap later if you want," Maya said, pressing a kiss to Carina's lips.
"I probably will," Carina nodded, "Because unlike you, I cannot function on this amount of sleep."
"I know," Maya said, pulling on her leggings, "But this will be so much better than lying in bed trying to sleep."
Once they were both dressed and Maya had a backpack packed with water and some food, they headed out. It was still dark, but they had both grabbed a flashlight so they could see. Maya reached out and took Carina's hand, guiding her to a path. They made it to a nice little gathering of rocks just off the main path as the sun started to come up.
"This is beautiful," Carina said, leaning back on Maya, "As much as I hate waking up because of a panic attack, this almost makes it worth it."
"It really is beautiful," Maya said, holding tightly to her girlfriend, "Almost as beautiful as you."
Carina smiled, looking up and kissing Maya. The blonde deepened the kiss, the sunrise all but forgotten by both of them. Carina broke the kiss after a while, smiling at Maya.
"Can we go back to the house?" the brunette asked, rubbing her sleepy eyes.
"Of course," Maya said, nodding, "Let's go."
They walked together slowly back to their place, the exhaustion starting to hit Carina.
"I think I am going to take a nap when we get back," Carina said, rubbing at her eyes with one hand.
"Would it be ok if I went for a run while you sleep?" Maya asked, "I can stay if you want me to."
"No," Carina said, "Get in your run. I know you need it, especially now."
Maya nodded, knowing Carina was right. They made it back to the tree house, Carina changing into pajamas before climbing back into bed.
"I will have breakfast ready for you when you wake up," Maya said, giving Carina another kiss. "I love you," Carina said, closing her eyes.
"I love you too," Maya said, heading out.
Maya ran for almost 10 miles, feeling a lot better. In all honesty, her own anxiety was a lot higher today than it was most of the time, but she was determined to deal with it on her own, at least for today because Carina was clearly struggling.
She made it back to the tree house after a little over an hour, stretching on the porch before going inside, surprised to see Carina curled up on the couch.
"Babe," Maya said, going to her girlfriend.
"I had another panic attack," Carina said, "And I couldn't sleep. My anxiety is really bad today."
"Oh Car," Maya said, frowning, "Hang on."
Maya ran out of the house, coming back a few minutes later with a duffle bag.
"What is that?" Carina asked, rubbing her tired eyes.
"Just some stuff I was hoping you wouldn't need but thought you might," Maya said, setting the bag down with a thump.
Carina watched as Maya pulled something out of the bag.
"Your weighted blanket," Maya said, handing the heavy blanket to Carina, "And your heavy-duty anxiety meds if you need them."
"Thank you, Bella," Carina said, eyes filling with tears, "Thank you. I didn't even think to bring this stuff."
"I had a feeling you might need it," Maya said, "You said you hadn't been feeling well either."
"Will you join me?" Carina asked, needing to feel close to Maya right now.
"I need to shower first," Maya said, "But I'll be quick. Give me ten minutes."
Carina nodded as the blonde left. True to her word, ten minutes later, Maya was back at Carina's side.
"Are you hungry?" Maya asked before she sat down.
"Not really," Carina said, shaking her head, "But if you are, go get something to eat."
"I'm good," Maya said, sitting down with Carina.
Maya wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, just holding her. Carina drifted off yet again after about twenty minutes, Maya just staying put despite the growling coming from her stomach, not wanting to disturb her sleeping girlfriend.
About ten minutes after Carina fell asleep, Maya felt her start to shake in her sleep. She tightened her grip, trying to somehow make her girlfriend feel safe where she was.
However, Carina woke up crying not long after, the shaking not stopping.
"I'm right here," Maya said, moving so Carina was in her lap, "It's ok."
Carina just cried, letting Maya hold her for a long time. The crying eventually stopped, but the shaking was still present.
"Babe," Maya said, feeling her heart break a little at how clearly miserable her girlfriend was, "Why don't you take your meds? I know you don't like them, but you are clearly not ok right now, and it's not getting better."
Carina nodded a little as Maya reached for the bottle of pills. She handed one to Carina along with a glass of water.
"Will you stay?" Carina asked after she took the medication.
"I promise," Maya said, nodding, "Can I get up really quick and grab something to eat and go to the bathroom? Then, I promise I will stay right here until you wake up."
"Of course," Carina said, nodding, moving so Maya could move, "I probably should eat something too, although I feel like I could throw up right now so maybe not."
"How about something small?" Maya asked, knowing if Carina didn't eat, she would probably wake up even more miserable later, "We got those bananas yesterday."
Carina nodded, getting up and going into the bathroom while Maya got some stuff together for breakfast. Carina came back five minutes later as Maya was putting breakfast on the coffee table.
"I made some toast too," Maya said, "And I might had brought some of that Nutella Andrew got when he went to Italy last time. If you don't feel up to it, you can save it for another day, but I know you love it."
"Grazie Bella," Carina said as she sat down on the couch next to Maya, "This looks great."
Maya had grabbed a banana and protein bar for herself as well as some coffee.
They sat there together, Carina still shaking pretty badly as her anxiety remained in overdrive. She managed to get down a banana and piece of toast before deciding she was done.
She was starting to feel the effects of her medication and was getting sleepy.
"Come here," Maya said, moving so Carina was in her lap, "I will be right here. I promise."
Carina nodded sleepily as her eyes slipped shut, finally falling into a dreamless sleep. The shaking took a while to settle, but eventually, Carina was still in Maya's arms.
The blonde just played with her girlfriend's hair for a while before pulling out her phone. She listened to some music and read some news. She checked her emails before pulling up her meditation app. She had gotten better at meditating in the past year and was slowly starting to enjoy the practice. She put on one of her favorite sessions, trying to get her own anxiety to calm down. She knew what it felt like when it got to be too much, and she wasn't there yet.
Once her meditation was over, Maya just put on a podcast, closing her eyes as she enjoyed being curled up with Carina, even if the brunette was knocked out.
Carina was out for almost 6 hours, Maya staying with her the whole time, long after her legs and butt fell asleep. Maya didn't quite fall asleep, but she did relax quite a bit.
However, the minute Carina started to stir in her lap, Maya's eyes snapped back open.
"Hey babe," Maya said as the drowsy Italian opened her eyes.
"You stayed?" Carina said sleepily.
"I told you I would," Maya said, kissing her forehead, "I'm not going to run from you anymore."
Carina smiled, leaning up for a kiss.
So there was chapter 1! This chapter focused a little more on Carina. The next one will focus a little more on Maya. I hope you like it so far!