A/N: When I started writing this story a year ago, I had a general arc in mind, and this chapter was the tipping point of it all. I knew that this is what I wanted to write about, but I never imagined that I would have written 45 chapters before it! Thank you all so much for continuing to read and favorite, and review! I am truly lucky to have so many people reading and enjoying my work. You make it all worth it! So, with that being said, here it the rocky terrain that has been building up for a little while now. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 46

Deny

It was 4:22AM when Olivia's phone started ringing. She reached over to her nightstand and realized that Alex was lying gently on top of her, pinning the right side of her body. She leaned over and stretched her left arm out, barely grasping her phone. She scooted it over on the nightstand and silenced it before answering.

"Benson." Her voice was groggy, quiet. She glanced at the clock on the wall—the last time she remembered looking at it was 1:15, after at least an hour in bed with Alex. She smiled for a moment at the memory.

"Liv, we've got a body at JFK. Homicide called me and said their ME said there was obvious sexual assault. I'm leaving now." Elliot's voice was full, focused. Olivia knew he had probably been woken up by the call a few minutes ago, as he sounded extremely alert.

"Ok, I'll meet you there in a half hour." She hung up the phone as she felt Alex stir atop her. "Hey," she kissed Alex's temple, continuing, "I've gotta go—we've got a body."

The naked blonde atop her fluttered her eyes open, nodding as she relinquished her grip around Olivia's waist, rubbing her stomach as she did so. "Be careful. Just take my car—I'll take a cab. You'll get there faster. I love you."

"I love you too." Olivia got out of bed and Alex sat up, watching the naked detective searching for clothes. She stepped into a pair of grey lace underwear and pulled on a matching bra before pulling her jeans on and securing them with a brown leather belt. She pulled on a heather grey long sleeve shirt when she looked back at the bed. "Wow. You are a vision." Alex was sitting up, the white sheet falling off of her body. Her blonde hair framed her face and fell softly on her shoulders. She pinned the sheet to her chest, but Olivia could still see the small swell of the fabric around her breasts, and the smile she wore on her face warmed Olivia's heart.

The detective reached over to the dresser, grabbing and loading her gun, securing it and her badge to her belt. She pulled on her light brown leather jacket and leaned down to kiss Alex. The blonde laid back down and spoke softly. "I'll see you at the press conference, right?"

"You bet." Olivia smiled at Alex and walked out of the bedroom, grabbing the keys to the Mercedes SUV.

Olivia knew today was the day. She pulled the blue velvet box out of its hiding place, deep in her bag. She opened it and admired the diamond ring sitting inside before carefully removing it and slipping it in the pocket of her jeans. She turned and quietly left, softly closing and locking the apartment door.

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Jo Lewis got up Tuesday morning like she did every morning: she took a shower, dried her hair, and put on her makeup before stopping at the Starbucks on 125th to get her usual Caramel Macchiato with an extra shot. What was not normal about this morning, however, was the fact that she would be attending a press conference held by ADA Alexandra Cabot about the case that blew up New York City—the Carlson case.

Well, it should be her going, she thought. She broke the story about young Kaylee Adams missing from her home, possibly taken by her teacher. It was only after the story went to print that she got the news that detectives Benson and Stabler from the 16th precinct sex crimes unit, SVU as she later learned they were called, secured the girl and were on their way back.

Then, after that, she covered their pinning ceremony and the onslaught of medals and awards, but something was different about this case. She knew it—she could tell. She was a journalist, after all, and she knew there was something in the water at the 16th precinct.

She was fairly new to this police beat, only on the job for about 9 months when this story broke, but she was hitting her stride, and was surprised when her editor called her the weekend before and instructed her to be there—normally she got looked over for someone more experienced, but she kept reassuring herself.

She took a quick look in the mirror of her cubicle and reapplied her bright lipstick, smoothed out her tightly wound brown hair, and buttoned her jacket. It was only mid September, but there was a bite in the air, a sign to all New Yorkers that fall may be a short season indeed.

Jo began walking to One Police Plaza, a place she dreaded. No good stories ever came out of there, but this time, she had a feeling she was going to blow the top off of a scandal, and she was ready.

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Alex approached the podium after the Police Chief himself spoke about Olivia and Elliot, noting their accomplishments and praising how well the Carlson case was handled. She lightly tossed her hair over her shoulder and signaled for questions to begin. Alex was always comfortable answering the unknown: she considered it her wheelhouse, and she could usually get out of these without major harm being done.

It seem like she answered the same questions over and over again. What was your involvement? If you would have prosecuted Carlson, do you think he would have been found guilty? Was it right for Benson and Stabler to go about the situation the way they did? Even though there were a few little jabs, it was obvious that most of the reporters were on the NYPD's side on this one, but there were always a few that would fight to the death for the 'victim,' in this case, Carlson. Alex answered these questions easily, reminding the people that Carlson was a cold-blooded kidnapper and killer. And, even more than that, he was an attempted cop-murderer. The crowd all seemed to agree on that, and Alex gave herself a mental high-five: handling the haters without getting mad had always been her weakness. But, she was cautiously awaiting the questions that Donnelley had warned her about the day before.

Alex saw a woman move from the back of the crowd, sneaking her way up through other reporters, slowly. She wore a bright red shade of lipstick and a yellow coat—those two things made her look extremely challenging, but Alex knew to take it all in and not be intimidated. She jumped in with the others, throwing a few questions here and there, never winning out. Finally, she raised her voice and persisted the longest, getting Alex's attention.

"ADA Cabot, Jo Lewis for the Ledger. How would you say that Benson and Stabler's reactions to this case have influenced the unit as a whole?"

Easy enough, Alex thought. "Well, they have always had the victim's best interest in mind and this is just an example of the greater good that they try to bring to this city every day. They hold themselves to an exemplary standard that all of their peers strive to, and do achieve every day. There really is no larger influence on the unit at SVU in this case, because they handle these types of cases every day with the same persistence and excellence as detectives Benson and Stabler did in this case."

"Ok great." She was slowly taking notes, trying to plan her sneak attack. "And, working together so closely on these cases must bond you a little bit to all the detectives in this unit. What is their motivation in the 16th precinct, and why do they have such a high closure rate of 94% when the average NYPD closure rate lingers around 62%?"

Alex was a little put off by this accusation—she could feel the questions getting more heated, but she continued with her camera-ready answers. "Well, you seem to forget that the average NYPD detective tends to work all sorts of crimes, with victims, without, drugs, vice, theft, vehicle related work…" her voice trailed off before she finished answering the question. "These detectives were chosen specifically for this unit because of their tenacity, their dedication, and their sense of justice for the victims. You have a point—I do get to know these detectives very well, because we work—all the time." There was a small chuckle that escaped Alex's lips, echoed by most of the reports with a 'we know all about that,' attitude. "We don't rest until justice is done for a victim, and that's why their closure rate is so high, and," Alex paused and located Olivia and Elliot in the back of the room, flashing them a smile before continuing, "I'm proud to be a part of that legacy."

The next question flew from Jo's mouth quicker than anyone anticipated. She had to raise her voice to a louder volume than normal so she could continue with her line of questioning. Alex had barely finished answering the last question when the mother of all questions busted from Jo's lips.

"And your alleged relationship with Detective Benson wouldn't have anything to do with that closure rate…?" The question hit Alex like a ton of bricks as the room fell completely silent. She looked at the reporter, pen in her hand, poised and ready to take notes, like she had just commented about the colder-than-usual weather for a New York September. Her peers looked from the journalist to Alex, back and forth, trying to catch one of them flinching or giving any indication that the accusation was unfounded.

Alex had always been trained to answer the tough questions, but this was personal. She couldn't use her usual "we'll try this case in the courtroom, not the press," or "we will not speculate on the defense's tactics." This was an actual question that needed to be answered. Her blood ran with ice as she glanced back over to Olivia. The detective was leaning casually against the wall before this question was thrown in the ring, and now she was standing at full attention, alert, trying her best to look inconspicuous, slowly sneaking behind the crowd. Alex began speaking and immediately regretted what she had said before she could even think of anything else to say.

"My alleged relationship? That's absurd. I have a relationship with every one of these detectives at SVU, Jo. I'm not sure what you're suggesting, but I can assure you that all of my cases are tried fairly, and by the letter of the law. Don't think that even if I did have a relationship with one of these detectives, that it would sway my cases in any way. I am appalled at your insinuation and I encourage you to look for any corruption or bias or whatever it is that you're claiming in the cases at SVU. You'll find none." Alex took a deep breath and looked at Olivia. "As far as detective Benson is concerned, she is just one of four detectives that work in this unit—they all dedicate every second of their day at SVU to helping victims. Of course I develop close relationships. With all of them." The detective had slowly been moving from her place on the back wall towards the door since Jo had asked the question, and she turned without returning Alex's gaze, opened the door and left. Alex knew she had blown it, but couldn't stop now.

The room was mostly silent, and Jo had pretty much gotten the point. She was sure that her sources were credible, but she wasn't convinced enough to push the subject. However, she did exactly what she intended to: cast suspicion. If she were honest with herself, she could admit that her motivation was more for the personal side of gossip, not the courtroom side. She didn't really believe that any of SVU's cases were biased because the ADA and the lead detective were fucking, but she did know that she would have a juicy story on her hands if her suspicions were true. After all, Alexandra Cabot was up-and-coming, primed to run for some local government sometime in the near future, Jo was sure. This story could be an interesting peek into the life of the 'buttoned-up-proclaimed-dead-returned-from-WITSEC-attorney and her sexy cop girlfriend,' and everyone was dying for it—they would be the new Ellen and Portia. Issues would fly off of the shelf, and Jo knew it. She would just have to bide her time. This cop assignment never was her cup of tea anyway, and she knew that if she opened this up, she'd be in the gossip or lifestyle columns soon enough.

"Well, this will conclude our conference. As always, thanks for your promptness and your respect for the NYPD, some more than others today, obviously." Alex stared daggers at the reporter, intentionally, that comment meant for her only. All she could think about was getting back to the precinct and back to Olivia. She hailed a cab and worried the next six minutes of her life away.

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Olivia let the door of 1PP close quietly behind her as she pulled her brown leather jacket closed around her chest. She sidestepped Elliot, who had followed her out, and began speaking to him, "Go ahead and go back without me. I'll be in later."

He looked at Olivia, knowing why she was so upset. He was there too, and heard what Alex said. True, she couldn't really come out and say that they were together—they hadn't disclosed to anyone yet, but she probably could have handled it a little better and he knew that Olivia probably just saw it as someone abandoning her yet again.

"Liv…common, you don't need to be by yourself right now." He reached up to touch her arm but she moved away, almost jogging away from him, in the direction of the subway station at the corner. He yelled out to her "Liv! Call me." Elliot saw her hand rise above her hand, waving, signaling a goodbye without turning around.

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Alex flew up the steps at the 1-6, frantically searching every floor and office for Olivia before heading to the squad room. She saw Fin first and jogged to him, desperately. "Where's Olivia?"

Fin grabbed her upper arms as he looked around. "Whoa, counselor, just calm down. She's due back any minute. Just take a seat and calm down a litt—." He saw Elliot out of the corner of his eye beckon him over. "I'll be right back. Just sit here." He approached Elliot's desk with a questioning look on his face. What's up with Liv?"

"Did you watch the press conference?" Elliot's voice was low and Fin had to hover over Elliot's chair to hear what he was saying.

Fin shook his head. "No, it wasn't televised."

"Well, that's a relief…listen, Cabot was questioned about their relationship and pretty much denied it. So, Liv isn't in a good place right now. She's probably feeling pretty conflicted about it because it's murky waters, so she's taking a little time."

Fin kept a straight face and nodded to Elliot as he walked back towards Alex. "Hey Liv isn't here." Her face lit up with bewilderment before she began speaking.

"What do you mean she's not here? Where else would she be? Elliot?!" She clacked over to Elliot's desk and looked down at him. "Tell me where she is."

Elliot Stabler leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees as he took a second to consider his response to Alex. "You know what Alex? I'm not as stupid as you think I am. I understand that there are certain ways of going about things and I get that you didn't really know how to answer that question today." He looked up at the blonde attorney as he leaned back in his chair.

"But, if you knew Olivia half as well as you think you do, you'd know that one of the things that she is most insecure about is people giving her up." He stopped for a minute to gauge Alex's reaction, and, after a few moments, kept speaking. "You know, I've been her partner for thirteen years. Thirteen, Alex. And in that time, I've never seen her be as sure, as happy, and as determined as she is when she's with you. All she really needs right now is for you to just be there. And, today, I think she saw you deny her. And that really hurts."

Alex continued to look down at him at his desk. His arms were crossed and his face was solemn. She couldn't help but think that, although he was talking about Olivia, that he felt the same way.

"I told Olivia the day that she came home from the hospital—after Carlson shot her— that I wasn't going to let anyone hurt her again. And, I let her down. We both, you and I, have got to come to terms with the fact that we let her down today. You better make this right, Alex. Or I swear to God, you'll never have the opportunity to hurt her again."

Alex stepped back and absorbed what Elliot was saying: he was absolutely right. Whether or not she wanted to admit it, she had let Olivia down today. A simple 'I am not at liberty to comment on that situation at the current time' would have sufficed as an answer to that question until they disclosed their relationship. It was so stupid, and Alex knew it.

Cragen entered the squad room and immediately barked at Alex with his pointer finger. "My office. Now." Alex removed her gaze from Elliot and walked at a decided pace towards his office. He shut the door and began his assault. "So, what? What Alex? Now everyone in New York knows you guys are in bed together?"

She was a little taken aback by his brashness, but began speaking quietly and leveled. "Don, I—WE—signaling to him with her hand, have a meeting tomorrow with my boss, your boss, and Judge Donnelley to discuss this matter. I was going to ask Olivia to attend as well, but, with the current circumstance, it seems like I might need to reevaluate that." She paused for a moment, wondering if she should continue with what was about to spill out of her mouth. "Listen, I'm not blaming you, but you act like I haven't made an effort to try to make this right! For the past three weeks, Cragen, I've sent emails, spoken to you about it…" Her voice trailed off a bit as she was lost in her emotions. "All I'm saying is that, yes, I should have pressed a little harder to get this taken care of, but how was I supposed to know that someone was going to ask about that?! I just don't know what…I mean what should I…"

He softened a little hearing her concerns. The agony was written all over her face, and Cragen couldn't help but sympathize with her, as she couldn't even finish her sentences. He sat back in his chair and asked the dreaded question. "So, how are you going to fix this?"

The blonde sat down in the chair across from Cragen's desk as she pondered this question. "Well, I'm just going to go downstairs and talk to Donnelley and see what—" Cragen cut her off.

"No, Alex…Olivia. Do you even know where she is?" At this, Alex's eyes welled with tears and there was something about Donald Cragen that just willed them to fall. She collapsed her head into her hands and began to sob. She uncrossed her legs and allowed her elbows to rest on her knees, her hands covering her distraught face.

"No, I d..d..don't." The tears fell freely and she could feel Cragen approaching her, pulling her into a gentle hug.

"Alex, common. You've gotta pull yourself together. I know you didn't really mean for it to come off like it did and I think, deep down, Olivia knows that too. You've gotta go find her, Alex." She knew he was right as she dried her tears and grabbed her suitcase. Seconds later, Alex stormed out of Cragen's office and ran out of the 1-6, determined to find Olivia, and she knew exactly where to start.

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Olivia walked through Prospect Park, watching the trees blow in the wind. The cool breeze stung the not-yet-fallen tears in her deep brown eyes as she walked at a steadfast pace through her old jogging route, around the outer circle and down under a bridge. She knew that going through the underside of the bridge probably wasn't the best idea, but as numb as she was feeling at the moment, she thought it might not hurt if she was mugged—if she actually felt something.

Olivia emerged on the other side of the bridge to find a young blonde woman playing make-believe with her toddler daughter. They were almost identical, both of their blonde heads bobbed as they ran in circles, and Olivia watched the soft curls bounce as the mother and daughter smiled at one another. The mother took the small child into a warm embrace as the girl placed a kiss on her mom's cheek.

She couldn't help but think of Alex as she watched the mother. After all of the ups over the past weeks, she knew there had to be a down, and of course it came as soon as they went back to work, back to their normal life. Olivia subconsciously reached in her pocket and felt the ring that she had become so used to hiding. As she watched the two blondes play, she thought of Alex and their life together—or what she thought would be their life together. She could admit to imagining Alex being a mother to their children on more than one occasion, but those thoughts quickly left her mind as she continued walking, onward toward a flat expanse of a grassy knoll, close to the familiar peristyle.

Olivia sat down and easily lay back, bending one knee up, looking at the sky. It was a blue-grey color, with clouds obstructing Olivia's view of the sun. She thought about Alex; she tried to think about something else, but a minute later, it was back to Alex. Olivia thought of her eyes: they were a blue that the detective was sure she had never seen before. They lit up when she was passionate about something, and they welcomed Olivia with just a look. She thought of her flowing blonde hair, her slight frame, and her wonderful laugh. All of that, though, wasn't enough for her to forget what had just happened.

Olivia glanced at her watch—it had only been about an hour since Alex had answered that question. For an hour, Olivia had tossed the answer around in her mind. She wasn't sure what she would have preferred Alex to say, but she knew she didn't like what she said.

The same questions began to swirl in Olivia's head. Why won't anyone stay? What is it about me that causes people to say they love me but then when it comes down to it, they deny it? Olivia was usually the one to break things off, but she knew she loved Alex, and she thought that this time would be different—she didn't want to go anywhere, and she didn't want to leave Alex. But, she knew that nothing would be the same, at least not for a little while.

Olivia sat up and put her sunglasses on her face. She rested her right elbow on her bent knee and straightened out her leg, stretching her hamstring with a point of her toes. She took the ring out of her pocket again, and held it delicately in her hands looking it over. Today was going to be the day. Olivia had gotten up that morning and knew that it was going to be today: from the way Alex watched her get dressed to the smile that the blonde gave her when she kissed her goodbye, Olivia knew that today would be the day that she asked Alex to be her wife. From the minute Olivia bought the ring, she knew it was only ever Alex, but now, holding it in her hands, tears crept back to her eyes as she knew she couldn't give it to Alex—not now, and maybe not ever.