Chapter 53

Sense Cont'd

Olivia stood in the hallway for a few minutes, turning her phone in her hand inside her loose sweatpants pocket. She didn't know what to do, or what to say the next time she spoke to Elliot. Olivia turned over his words in her head as she opened the door to Fin's apartment. She almost walked into Melinda who was in the process of leaving. "Hey I meant to tell you, ask Foster for a waterproof cast for your hand tomorrow. It's a somewhat new technology. Those stitches will dissolve and after that you can take regular showers, and swim even if you want. She probably won't suggest it to you, but tell her I told you to ask. It'll make things easier for you." Olivia nodded in understanding and Dr. Warner lowered her voice, "Everything ok with Elliot?"

"Oh, yeah. He's fine. Just ready to get home I guess." Melinda dropped it, although she had seen similar interactions between the two partners and knew that there was something up. She shook the thought off and hugged Olivia, telling her to let her know if she needed Melinda for anything. Olivia nodded and held the door open for Melinda to leave through.

When Olivia turned around Alex, Fin, and Casey were in the foyer of the apartment, Casey and Alex gathering their bags to leave. "Thanks for the pizza, Fin!" Casey patted him on the arm as she put her bag over her shoulder and turned to exit, Alex close behind. When they reached the threshold of the apartment, Alex turned around and looked at Olivia, hesitating for a minute. She opened her mouth like she was going to say something, and then she closed her mouth, almost as quickly as she had opened it. She smiled weakly at Olivia and turned around to follow Casey down the hallway.

Olivia closed the door and locked it, turning to Fin who was piling paper plates together, preparing to throw them in the trash. Olivia offered to help, but Fin declined, telling her to sit down and relax. After Fin cleaned up, he stretched his arms up in the air and yawned. "Man! I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go get a shower and pass out. You ok?" Before Olivia could answer, there was a soft knock on the door. They both looked at each other questioning who it could be.

Fin was closest to the door, so he peered through the peephole. A second later, he silently mouthed 'Alex' to Olivia, beckoning her to the door. Olivia reached for the knob and opened the door, revealing Alex standing just outside the apartment. Not a word was said while Olivia ushered Alex inside, looking for Casey behind her.

"Oh, we shared a cab here. I told her to go ahead and go on," Alex explained.

Fin didn't want to make this situation any more awkward that it probably would be, so he announced his plans, this time aloud. "Liv, I'm gonna go take a shower and get in bed. Let me know if you need me, Iron Mike." He lightly punched Olivia in the shoulder as Alex gave her a questioning look. Olivia shut the door behind Alex, knowing that Casey wasn't going to join them, and looked at Alex to begin explaining.

"Fin thinks it's funny to call me nicknames of boxers since the fight." She paused and thought for a moment. "But, I didn't bite anyone's ear off so…" Olivia's voice trailed off as both of them smiled shyly.

Alex hesitated, but found her resolve, and began speaking. "Olivia, I think we should talk." Olivia walked toward the couch, prompting Alex to follow. They both sat down on each end of the couch, leaving the middle cushion between them. Alex reached over towards Olivia and grasped her hand before she started to speak.

"Liv, baby, I know that I messed up. I do. I know that I shouldn't have said what I did, and immediately after I said it, I knew I fucked up. I will never be able to tell you how much I love you, Olivia, and if I could go back, I wish I would have stood up there and told everyone that you are the best thing that's ever happened to me—no matter how much trouble it might have caused us in the long run. I never meant to hurt you. I hope you know that."

Olivia leaned back on the corner of the couch, effectively sliding her hand away from Alex's. "I understand."

That's it? Two words? Alex didn't know what to say, so she prompted Olivia to continue in the only way she knew how. "But…?"

Olivia took a breath and looked out the window as she began talking. "But, to be completely honest with you, I just don't know how I feel right now. I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I don't think my state of mind with this," she motioned to her hand, "is helping."

Alex didn't want to open this door, for fear that Olivia would go charging through it, but the only thing she truly wanted was for her girlfriend to be back to her normal self, and if this is what it would take to get her back, she was willing to let it happen. Hesitantly she asked, "Do you not want to be with me anymore?"

Olivia responded immediately. "I do. I do want to be with you…but only if you want to be with me. And, no matter how many times you say it, I can't stop hearing you say 'I'm close with all the detectives,' and 'Detective Benson is just another detective in this unit.' I don't know what I expected you to say, but it wasn't that." Olivia took a breath before continuing. "And, to find out that you lied to me about disclosing our relationship really just makes me wonder if, deep-down, you didn't want to, or if you don't see this panning out because…" she stopped speaking and turned her head back towards the window. "Because, Alex, there was a time when I thought you would be my wife." At this admission, tears filled Alex's eyes. She reminded herself to be strong, and to find her resolve.

"Olivia, I felt the sa-."

"Alex, don't. I have enough on my mind right now and I don't need to hear that. It's not what you say, it's what you do. And I'm just trying to reconcile the two…I just think," Olivia paused and looked at Alex. "I just think I need some time—not like, 'break up' time, but just some time to try to understand how I feel about all of this."

Alex processed this and understood. "Ok. I'll stay at my apart—."

"No, it's ok. I can stay here for a little bit. If we decide that arrangements need to be made later, we can figure it out, but you just moved everything in so it would be hard to move it all out again." At least she was sincere, Alex would give her that.

In reality, it was only a few minutes that had passed in silence, but it seemed like hours before Alex asked a question. "So, you're really not in any pain? Your finger looked pretty bad."

Olivia rotated her hand and flexed her fingers inside the wrapping. "I'm alright. I'm sure it'll be sore, but it's not any pain I can't deal with. I'm seeing Foster tomorrow, so hopefully I can get that waterproof cast and go from there."

Alex nodded and shifted on the sofa as Olivia got up to get a drink, and offered to get Alex one. The attorney politely declined and then noticed the time: she needed to get to sleep, as she had a meeting early in the morning. She stood up and noticed Olivia lingering around her purse on the table. Alex walked over and wrapped her arms around Olivia, placing a delicate kiss on her cheek. "I'm gonna go." It was almost a whisper, and it radiated through Olivia's body, tugging a string in her heart. Alex grabbed her bag, opened the door, and left.

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Twenty minutes later Alex dug in her bag to pay the cab driver when she felt an unfamiliar folded piece of paper. After finding some cash for the driver, she reached back into her bag and grabbed the paper, unfolding it and immediately recognizing Olivia's perfectly symmetrical penmanship. Four words were written on the paper, and as soon as Alex read them she began to weep with uncertainty: I still love you.

She gathered herself, paid the driver, and entered Olivia's, their, apartment. Within five minutes she was in her pajamas and in bed, grasping her phone in her hand. She had said she wasn't going to, but she couldn't stop herself from texting Olivia after she found that note.

She opened a message and began to type. I thought I noticed you creeping around my bag before I left. I'm sorry Olivia. I love you—always have, always will.

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Olivia had been in bed for a few minutes when she saw Alex's text flash across the screen of her phone. She was engaged in a text conversation with Hope, starting with Hope's response to her question earlier that day.

Yeah. I'm off tomorrow. Wanna meet?

Sorry it took me so long to respond. A bunch of my coworkers came over to see how I was doing. I don't know Hope. I'm just having a hard time right now and normally I would just go out and fuck everything up, but I just feel like I shouldn't do that. But, I want to.

By 'fuck everything up' u mean me right?

Olivia didn't know how to answer—it was a rough question. Of course that's what Olivia had meant, but she didn't want to say that to Hope. She knew that if Elliot hadn't said what he had said she would probably see Hope tomorrow, and whatever happened would happen. But, then Alex had gotten to her too. She didn't know what to think, or feel. But mostly, right now, she didn't know what to say. Luckily, a moment later, Hope sent another message.

Actually, don't answer that. Can I ask u a question?

Olivia was nervous, but responded quickly.

Sure.

Are u and that blonde woman together? Just wondering. Each time I've seen u, she's been with u.

Yes. Well, no. I don't know, honestly. A lot of shit has gone down and I just don't know what to think. I can't make my mind up.

The next message that Hope sent closed the door for Olivia.

Want me to help u?

Attached to the text was a red heart emoji and a picture. Hope was lying on her bed, face down, clad in only a pink thong. Her breasts were pushed against the mattress and the angle of the camera took in her whole bare backside. Olivia was surprised, but then silently wondered to herself why she didn't expect this behavior from the young woman. Wanting to get that image and thought out of her head, Olivia opened Alex's message and read it, responding quickly.

I will probably come by the precinct tomorrow—maybe I'll see you.

She took a breath and reopened Hope's message just as Fin knocked on her door. "Come in." Fin was in his pajamas and shuffled his moccasins across the floor, sitting on the edge of Olivia's bed.

"How are you?" That was one thing Olivia loved about Fin—he was always concerned about her. He wasn't in here for the gossip, or to hear about anything else. All he wanted to know was if the conversation had left Olivia feeling hurt, or upset.

"I'm alright." Olivia knew that he didn't ask, but she wanted to share her conversation with Alex with Fin. "She just wanted to know kind of what was going on. I don't blame her, you know…" Olivia paused, taking a breath. "I just need to take some time and figure out how I'm feeling about it, or what I think needs to happen so that I can move on."

Fin understood and nodded along as she spoke. "If you need anything, tell me. You can stay here as long as you need to. I love you, Liv. You know you're my RD." Fin always loved when they called each other that old nickname, 'Ride or Die.' They hugged and as Fin started to leave the room, Olivia picked her phone back up from the bed.

"Hey! Look at this—you might enjoy it." She tossed Fin the phone and he looked at the picture of Hope. His eyes grew wide and he chuckled.

"Listen, I'mma' send this to myself and that's all we have to say about that." They both laughed, and as they said goodnight, he tossed Olivia's phone back to her. She opened the message to Hope and typed the response she knew she needed to send.

Believe it or not, I think you already helped. Things are probably better this way—between us. Have a good night.