A/N: Thank you all for continuing to read and comment. It's so interesting to see the different responses and viewpoints that people have. I'm so thankful that you all continue to read, like, comment, and give suggestions. I am actually liking this part of the fic a little more than I thought I would—it's giving me some time to address Olivia and Alex's feelings separately. I hope you enjoy, and thank you! Side note: I was watching season 4, episode 9 of SVU today and towards the end Donnelly is interrogating a kid on the stand and you can just see how hard it is for Alex to watch—how badly she is hurting. I thought it was interesting that I noticed that as I was writing this part of the story. Anyways, enjoy!

Chapter 54

Control

Olivia ascended the stairs of the 16th precinct, somewhat sprinting so that no one she knew caught her in the stairwell. As she passed her usual floor, she peered through the window at the top of the door. There wasn't much movement in the hallway, but she caught a glimpse of Cragen and Fin walking towards the stairs, and toward her. Quickly she flew up the next flight; if Cragen saw her anywhere near the building before Monday, without him knowing she was there, he'd be pissed.

She hesitantly stepped up the last stair and pushed open the door to the sixth floor hallway. She slowed her pace, as there wasn't ever anyone in the hall up here—mostly it was just people in offices answering emails and working on the back line. Olivia reached the fifth door on the right and took a breath. She knew she needed to make this a priority: the old Olivia Benson way of doing things wasn't/hadn't worked out for her in the past, and definitely wasn't now. She needed to change her mindset, and this was the first step to trying.

3 hours earlier

Olivia had been waiting for Sam, her hairstylist, for ten minutes when he appeared around the corner of the front desk. Immediately he noticed her long locks were gone. "Let me guess," he paused, smiling in her direction as he spoke, "you either got tired of your long hair or it was too much of a hassle after you got shot." He paused and waited on a nod from Olivia, then continued. "But, you didn't want whoever," he gave her a disapproving look, "cut your hair to take you too short because you didn't want them to chop the shit out of it and make you look too butchy." Olivia smiled and rubbed her neck, shyly.

"Listen, Sam. I've got a lot to tell you. But, long story short, I was in Martha's Vineyard and after the surgery I couldn't do anything with my hair and I was—." He cut her off.

"Olivia, I'm just kidding. Common." He ushered her to the back of the salon and sat her down in his chair. "So I'm assuming you want it short again? I can't do much with it at this in-between length." He ran his hands through it as Olivia laughed and agreed. The detective spent the next twenty minutes filling Sam in on everything that had happened in the past two months—he knew that she had gotten shot, as it was practically city-wide news. But she told him everything else: about Hope, Alex, and Serena's.

"I just need to start over, you know?" She waited for him to nod in agreement and then she continued. "I feel like this will help." Just as she finished speaking, Sam had finished and Olivia looked in the mirror to see her short, cropped haircut that she loved so much. Sam put some product in his hands and applied it to the ends of her hair, accenting a few pieces and flattening others. She loved it: there was something about her short hair that made Olivia feel sexier, more empowered, and just plain happier. Plus, it would be easier to manage. She thanked Sam, paid, and left.

Present

Olivia looked at herself in the mirror over the sink in the bathroom. She dried her uninjured right hand and checked her hair in the mirror, preparing herself for her next visit of the day. She walked across the hall and knocked lightly on the closed office door.

"Come in." The voice was small, soft. As Olivia opened the door George Huang smiled and invited her to sit in the chair across from his desk. "Olivia, it's good to see you. How are you feeling?"

Olivia sat down and smiled a polite smile at George before answering. "I'm good. Just saw the doctor this morning, and I just have to wait for these stitches to dissolve and I should be ok." She paused, "thanks for asking." She waited for Dr. Huang to say something else—Olivia knew she needed to be here, but she wasn't completely sure how to start the conversation.

George Huang looked over at her and studied her for a few moments. He sat up and removed his glasses, laying them over his notebook he had been reading from earlier. "So what's up Liv? Of course, I'm glad to see you, but I wasn't necessarily expecting you. Is everything ok?"

The detective sat back in the chair and crossed her legs. She looked over at George and began speaking, carefully. "Everything is ok. I just…so many things have happened and I just don't know what…I mean I don't really know how to feel about…and things with Alex uh. I don't know." She trailed off, as the fingers on her right hand played with the new clear brace on her left. The black stitches stuck out in contrast from her olive skin as the whole site peeked through the clear plastic brace. She only looked up when she heard Dr. Huang begin to speak.

"I understand if you feel like a lot has happened and perhaps you don't have complete control over your emotions. That makes sense—you've been through a lot in the past few months." He waited and gauged her reaction, but he didn't have to wait long before the detective piped up.

"I just feel like I don't know how to feel, or what to say about anything, really. I guess control is a good word. How do you always know exactly what people are thinking?" Olivia asked this question with a genuine interest.

"Well, it is my job. But, you forget that I've known you for almost 10 years." He smirked at her as understanding swept over her face. "And, the haircut sort of gave you away." Olivia smiled. "Usually people who are having a hard time coping with something or feel like they don't have control tend to do things that they know they can control: go on a diet, restructure their work schedule, or," he motioned to Olivia's head, "cut their hair." They both laughed and some of the tension disappeared. "For the record, I have always loved you with short hair—it looks great, Liv."

Olivia grasped at the short hairs on the back of her neck and smiled shyly as Dr. Huang continued speaking. "Let's start from the beginning, ok?" Olivia nodded as he put his glasses back on his face. "So, we talked a little bit about your confrontation with Conrad, but I want to talk about Carlson." There was an almost imperceptible shift in Olivia's eyes—she wasn't expecting that. "I know you didn't come here to talk about that, but I think it might help a bit to get everything out on the table, and it might help you understand why you're feeling the way you are."

There was a silence that hung in the air: Olivia wasn't sure whether Dr. Huang wanted her to start or not. Luckily, he began. "I know you. I think it might be easiest if we just do a question and answer type session. Is that ok with you?" Olivia nodded and straightened up in the chair, ready for whatever he was going to throw at her—she knew that she wanted to right what was wrong, and this was the first step.

George began to explain. "So what I'm going to do is ask you a question and I want you to give you an answer that is simple, and is the first idea that pops into your head. It can be something that needs a little more explanation, but I'm not going to ask for any further explanation right now. Sound ok?"

Olivia nodded and Huang began. "What do you think of Chuck Carlson?"

"He's a criminal."

"Are you upset, or mad, or even resentful that he shot you?"

"No." Huang tilted his head and looked further into Olivia's face, searching for some twitch or blink that would give her away. Instead, she stared straight back at him, ready for his next question.

"Why did you jump?"

"Alex would be better without me than I would be without her…I didn't want to see her get hurt."

"Do you feel like you've physically rehabbed yourself properly?"

"Yes."

"And mentally?"

"I think I've dealt with it the best that I can."

"Do you think that you feel that way because your relationship with Alex blossomed during this time? Do you think that if this relationship wouldn't have began when you were rehabbing that you would feel as good as you do about it now?" Olivia thought about this for a moment, and it must have been too long, because Dr. Huang prompted her to answer. "First thought, Olivia."

"I don't know. But I'd do it again if it meant having what I have," she paused, "what I had with Alex." He seemed to accept that as a reasonable answer.

"Alright Olivia. We're going to move on into some uncharted territory. Is that ok?" Olivia nodded, although she was a little nervous. She wasn't necessarily uncomfortable speaking to George about anything, but she wasn't ready for whatever he was about to ask. She braced herself as he started. "Why do you love Alex?"

Accepting this whole 'first idea that pops into your head' mentality, and guessing that Huang would probably prefer to hear her talking aloud than thinking in her head, she started to speak. "I mean, how many reasons do you want? She's perfect—well, almost perfect." Quickly, thoughts of the press conference arose in her head, but Huang must have noticed and asked another question that she had to focus on.

"What bothers you most about Conrad?"

"The fact that I can't work now." She looked down at her hand, frowning a bit, and holding back a breaking voice.

"Ok." George smiled that small smile that was so familiar to Olivia—he was satisfied. "A lot of people I do this exercise with tell me that afterwards, whether they do it for five minutes, like we did, or multiple times each session, that they feel like they have a little more 'control' over how they're feeling." He paused, "how do you feel?"

Olivia considered this for a moment. "I feel better. I can see why people feel like that. Your answers are always something you can control, I guess."

Dr. Huang nodded. "I'm glad you came in, Liv. Thanks for letting me help."

Olivia stood up and began to walk out. She turned around slowly before she opened the door to leave. "George," Dr. Huang looked up from his desk, awaiting Olivia's thought, "thank you." She closed the door as he nodded in appreciation.

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Alex was sitting at her desk, purposefully disregarding the pile of work that lay atop her huge monthly calendar. Currently, she was reviewing a card she kept in her purse. The handwriting was so familiar to her that it almost ached to recognize it, much less read it. 'I know it was YOU who saved MY life, not the other way around, and I'll fight everyday to be able to love you more and more.' Alex sighed and folded the card back up, tossing it down into her file cabinet drawer under her desk.

She thought of Olivia: the way she walked, her smile, how she threw her head back when she laughed. In a world full of rapists and murderers, there wasn't much that could help Alex mentally escape from all of the chaos, but every time she thought of Olivia, she couldn't help but space out a little, transported to a whole new world of beauty and charm. A buzz from her phone knocked her out of her daydream, and she lazily reached for it.

Once she noticed who the message was from, though, she rushed to unlock her phone and read the entire message.

Have a minute? Would you care if I stopped by? I'm in the building.

Alex shot up from her desk and rushed over to her bookcase across her office where her mirror sat. She inspected her face to make sure her makeup was flawless, and pulled her hair back into a loose bun. Alex unbuttoned the top two buttons of her burgundy dress shirt and separated the opening, hoping to entice the detective she knew was coming to visit. On the way back to her desk she slipped her heels back onto her feet and cleaned her desk off, organizing folders and papers so it didn't look like the complete disaster it so obviously was. She sat down, applied a fresh layer of bold red lipstick and picked up her phone to reply.

Sure, I've got my afternoon clear. Of course I don't care. Come on in.

She didn't want to sound too eager, but she couldn't wait to see Olivia. She had just seen her yesterday, but there was something so addictive about the detective, and Alex couldn't keep herself from thinking about Olivia. Moments later Alex heard a soft knock on her office door.

"Come in." Alex was glad she finished the sentence before Olivia walked in her office. Her mouth ran dry when she noticed the detective: she looked so different than she had the day before. Her left hand was casted with some sort of clear plastic brace, the stitched surgery scar visible through it. The most striking difference, though, was the detective's hair: her short, somewhat spiked hair was a huge contrast to the somewhat longer cut she got in Martha's Vineyard. Alex always thought Olivia's short hair was so sexy, and she had a hard time concealing her arousal, both in her eyes and between her legs.

Olivia stood in Alex's office, clad in jeans and a long sleeve plum-colored shirt. She closed the door quietly and walked towards the blonde, sitting in the leather chair across from her.

"Hi." Olivia leaned back in the chair and looked directly at Alex, greeting her with a hesitant smile.

Alex began to speak, but her voice cracked and she quickly had to clear her throat before she responded. "Hi." She put her hand on her chest as she coughed a shallow cough and excused herself. Honestly, it was hard for Alex to even breathe with Olivia sitting across from her looking like that, much less talk. She wondered if Olivia knew what she was thinking.

The detective looked across the desk and had a hard time focusing on just one part of Alex. Behind her glasses, her blue eyes sparkled brighter than Olivia had seen them in a while. Her normally buttoned second button was undone, allowing a peek of her cleavage to show through; if Olivia sat up straighter in the chair, she was able to see down the blonde's shirt to her black lace bra. Alex's lips were accented by a bold red color that Olivia had never seen her wear before, but all Olivia could think about was that lipstick all over her own body. Olivia realized that she hadn't said anything in the past few moments, and didn't want Alex to know she was checking her out. Unfortunately, still in ' therapy' mode, she blurted out the first thought that came into her mind.

"You're beautiful." Her voice was a little hoarse for some reason, and she shook her head slightly as she said it, almost as if it was an irrefutable fact, not open for interpretation. Alex was taken aback by the remark—a warm sensation began in her chest, incasing her heart and worked its way down to her core. Olivia just called her beautiful. It was comforting, but more than that, it was hopeful.

Alex tucked a stray hair behind her ear and tried to hide her smile. The familiar butterflies that so often occupied her entire being when she was around Olivia returned as she cleared her throat to speak. "You um…you cut your hair."

The detective nodded and played with the short hairs behind her ear, lowering her head to look at her hand resting in her lap. "Uh yeah. I did."

"I love it." Alex watched as Olivia lifted her head and smiled at her. Olivia stood up and came around the desk, offering her hand to Alex. The attorney took it and stood up; they stood close to one another for a few moments before Olivia made the first move. She reached around and pulled Alex close, resting her hands on the small of Alex's back. The blonde sighed and wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck, grasping at the short hair on the back of her head. They hugged, but they both felt as if something more would happen. Olivia paused in hesitation before she leaned out and placed a delicate kiss on Alex's cheek and moved away.

"I love you, Alex. And I'm sorry. I just…" she took Alex's hands into her own, "I have to figure out what's going on." She took a breath. "And, how to move forward from here."

"I understand." Alex pulled Olivia in for another hug, lingering by the detective's neck, smelling the same familiar scent that drove her wild. With just that smell, Alex was transported to a different time: memories of she and Olivia in bed flooded her mind. She felt Olivia's hands digging into her hips, tugging her hair, and gently fondling her breasts. Her eyes opened and she snapped back to the present when she heard Olivia's soft, whispered voice.

"Thank you." They let go of one another and stepped away, as their hands disconnected. Olivia walked towards the door and held the knob in her hand, seemingly waiting to open it. She turned around and looked toward Alex. "You, umm, you really do look…great, Alex." She opened the door and left, burning the image of Alex into her head.

The attorney collapsed back down into her chair as the door shut. She closed her eyes and tried to calm herself down—just the mere sight of Olivia would have done this to her, but the damage done by her new haircut was irreversible. Alex remembered the first time she met Olivia: it was back when she was called in to SVU because of the Morris Commission. Olivia and Elliot had just returned from collaring a perp and she walked into the precinct and fell into her chair, piling her jacket and messenger bag atop her desk. Both she and her partner were exhausted, and it was obvious. Captain Cragen introduced both Elliot and Olivia to Alex and immediately the attorney was drawn to the slightly older, brunette detective.

Almost 10 years later when Olivia walked into Alex's office, she had the same effect, and now the attorney sat in her chair as aroused as she had ever been. She made sure her door was locked and returned to her chair, kicking her heels off on the way. She unzipped her skirt and closed her eyes, and spent the next few minutes imagining Olivia walking through that door again.