A/N: I broke the chapter before this and this one up into two, and I think it worked out pretty well. It's been difficult for me to keep these chapters short, because I feel like I have so much to say, but then I end up with a monster chapter of 6,000+ words that I can't upload. HA! I hope you all are still enjoying this story, as I am getting excited to get Alex and Olivia back on the right track. Enjoy!

Chapter 56

Sorry

It was hard for Alex to wait for the inevitable—it had only really been two full days since everything had transpired and in those two days the attorney had played out every scenario possible in her head. Olivia had told Alex that she needed to "figure things out" and Alex understood, but was growing uneasy about what that actually meant.

Olivia was working on rubbing off the red paint from her face when she saw Alex's hand reach for her glasses. "Let me help you." The blonde laughed and both of them leaned in toward each other, Alex placing Olivia's glasses on the table next to them. There was a moment there when they both froze—Alex's hand resting on Olivia's face, her thumb over the red paint stripe. Olivia's eyes focused on the beautiful woman across from her. She felt the cool hand atop her face and wanted to savor this moment: to live in it forever. Before she could focus on Alex any longer, the attorney started speaking and Olivia tuned in to listen.

"I don't want to put too much pressure on your face. Do you have a towel here?" It was true, Olivia's eyes and nose weren't the purpleish hue they had been days before, but instead a pale yellow color radiated from under her eyes and across her nose—Alex thought her skin still looked pretty tender. She waited for Olivia's answer as she let go of the detective's face, leaning back into the chair.

Olivia stuttered a little bit and finally remembered the question Alex had asked before she felt the absence of her cool, soft hand. "Um, I'll look." Olivia got up and headed toward the kitchen, Alex following closely behind. She spoke as she pushed the swinging door open and walked through it. "If there is one here, it would be around the kitchen somewhere, but…" She searched through drawers and on the kitchen towel hangers. "I'm not sure if Max is getting new stuff in here or not." After a few more minutes of searching she concluded that he probably had gotten rid of the old stuff and purchased new kitchen items to go with everything else that was new in the restaurant. "Oh well."

With that, Olivia shrugged and walked over to the new large, industrial sink, turning the hot water faucet all the way on. The detective waited a second and then held her right hand under the hot water, letting it warm her bare hand. She scrubbed her face lightly with her hand, removing only a few small pieces of the larger red streak. Olivia winced as she pushed a little harder on her face before she decided it wasn't worth it.

Alex was happy that she wasn't standing where Olivia could see her because what Olivia did next surprised her, to say the least. Olivia hesitated for a moment, glancing behind her before she pulled her t-shirt off and balled it up in her hand. Alex knew every inch of Olivia's body but still was so transfixed when she unexpectedly saw more of it than she had anticipated. Olivia's white tank top rose up and the detective quickly grabbed the fabric and pulled it down before Alex saw much more of her tanned abs. Olivia held her balled up shirt under the scalding water, allowing it to become soaked before she leaned over the sink and placed it on her face, holding it there for a few moments.

While Olivia was holding her hot t-shirt compress to her face, Alex stood behind her, admiring her figure hunched over the sink. Her jeans clung to her waist, sliding down a bit when she bent over, revealing a small strip of her lower back. Alex shook all of this from her mind, trying not to think about Olivia's body this way.

She moved towards the detective and placed her hand on her back, causing Olivia to stand. Alex took the shirt into her hand and lightly began a sweeping motion over the paint. "Let me know if this hurts, ok?" She didn't receive a response, but instead saw Olivia's gaze move to her eyes, holding contact with her for the next minute or so until all of the paint had been taken off.

Alex moved the t-shirt off Olivia's face as the two women stood facing each other, frozen. Alex's hand hung between them with her bent elbow caught between their bodies, still holding the compress. Her voice faltered as she started to speak in a tone barely above a whisper. "I think I got it all." She reached up and moved a piece of Olivia's short hair out of her face as she felt the detective reach for the balled up shirt in her hand.

Olivia kept a focused eye on Alex—there was something about the blonde that almost forced Olivia to continue looking at her. "Thanks." Olivia's voice was also only mere decibels above a whisper, her eyes moving between Alex's eyes and lips. The sexual tension was undeniable—both women stood next to the kitchen sink, transfixed on the other, mere millimeters from each other. They could feel each other breathing, and neither of them made any attempt to create any space between them. Olivia's voice shocked them both, as neither of them really expected anyone to speak. "I uh…" Olivia swallowed hard and moved her stare from Alex's eyes to her mouth. "I'm having a really hard time not kissing you right now." As she said this, Alex focused on Olivia's lips, seemingly welcoming her own.

"Then kiss m—." The last word was cut short by Olivia's lips crashing into her own. They fell into each other. Olivia held one hand on Alex's hip and the other around her waist, securing her as she bent backwards, grasping Olivia's face and pulling her as close as she desperately could. One kiss turned into two, three, and four as Alex straightened up and pulled away, gasping for air. She quickly grabbed behind Olivia's head, pulling the detective towards her with an open mouth. They reconnected, Alex's tongue probing Olivia's mouth as the detective reciprocated. With each thrust of her tongue, Alex intensified the kiss, holding Olivia's head and neck a little tighter than the one before. She moved one hand down to touch Olivia's abs when she felt her move away, leaving both of them gasping for air.

Olivia moved away, still steadying herself with her hold on Alex's hip. "Alex," she panted, "we should talk—there's just some things I need you to hear." Alex was nervous; she quickly turned from hopeful to unsure. Alex nodded, wiping her lipstick off from under her lip where it had smeared just moments before. Olivia picked up her t-shirt from where it had dropped on the floor, took Alex's hand into her own, and walked out into the dining room.

Olivia pulled out a chair and offered it to Alex with a wave of her hand. As Alex sat, Olivia unballed her semi-wet painting shirt and pulled it on before taking a seat in the chair next to her. Alex didn't have any time to think about what Olivia might say before she started talking, and that made her even more nervous.

"I was thinking earlier today after I left the precinct and there's a few things that I think—no, I know—I should say." Olivia took a breath and readied herself. "I want to say I'm sorry for how I acted last night. I should never have followed you into the bathroom and I definitely shouldn't have put my hands on you the way I did." Alex started to interrupt, but Olivia stopped her. "Alex, it wasn't right—and it didn't feel right." Olivia paused. "Well, kissing you did," they both smiled meekly before Olivia continued. "But, I shouldn't have done that. I would never want anyone else to touch you like that." Her own mention of someone else touching Alex burned jealousy into the pit of her stomach, but she continued. "So, I'm sorry Alex. You don't deserve to be treated like that."

The attorney nodded her head and waved her hand. There was so much she wanted to say—I didn't care about how you were touching me, I wouldn't let anyone else touch me like that, I trust you Liv, etc.—but she knew she should just let Olivia keep going.

"I also want to apologize for how I acted after the press conference." This time, Alex did interrupt.

"No, Olivia. You have no reason to apologize for that. I was so—." Olivia cut her off.

"Alex, please." She held up her hand, causing Alex to stop her protesting. "It doesn't matter. I was upset, but I shouldn't have treated you the way I did when you came to the park. It doesn't matter how upset I was, or how angry everything made me, there's never an excuse for me to disrespect you like that, and that's exactly what I did. And I'm sorry that I let my hurt emotions get the best of me." Alex didn't respond—she didn't know how. As an attorney, she could understand the rationale of Olivia apologizing for this, but Alex didn't think she deserved this apology from Olivia—emotions were high, and after all, Alex was the one who had said what she did! If anyone was apologizing, it should be me, Alex thought. But she knew Olivia had more to say, so she sat back and listened.

"I think," Olivia paused and lifted her head, looking into Alex's eyes, "you know me—better than anyone else." Alex's head nodded a bit as she held back a small smile. "So I think it's easy for you to rationalize my behavior sometimes, but the way I touched you last night, and how I acted after the press conference, I feel, and I know that my actions were not ok."

Olivia took a breath and continued. "I know that neither of us is really sure where things are right now, regarding our relationship. And, I know that's frustrating and it's upsetting. And, I think I owe it to you to tell you that I want to be with you." Alex's heart jumped. She wasn't expecting Olivia to say anything like this. Was this—were they getting back together? She had to stop herself from wondering what she might say next to listen to what the actual reality of the situation was.

"I want to be with you, Alexandra." It was refreshing for Alex to hear Olivia use her full name—she rarely ever did that, much less when she was mad at Alex. "But," Alex's heart sank, and the hope she had felt in the moments before dissipated. "I can only be with you if I feel like you want to be with me. And, that's what I'm trying to understand right now. That's what I think I mean when I say that I need some time to figure things out. I'll admit that I was really angry after the press conference, and it's hard to forget that feeling."

She paused, and Alex took this moment to dive in. "Olivia, I wish I could say something to show you how much I love you. I can't…" her voice broke a bit, so she cleared her throat and continued, "I can't see myself without you. I don't want things to be like this." Tears rose in her eyes, and she tried her best to suppress them.

"I understand." Olivia sat for a moment, looking at Alex, formulating how she was going to start this next conversation. "There's something else that I need to tell you." Alex lifted her head and tried to clear her mind of everything, preparing for whatever it was Olivia was about to say.

"I feel like so much has happened since the press conference, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been, what, two or three days. And, I know what I'm about to say will probably make you upset and that is the last thing I want to do right now, but I feel like I need to be honest with you." Alex was worried—this was starting to sound like a pretty serious topic, but she wanted to remain open, inviting Olivia to share whatever she felt like she needed to.

"Go ahead, Liv." Alex did her best to maintain an open, calm demeanor.

"So yesterday morning when I had surgery, I didn't think about the fact that Dr. Foster worked out of the same hospital that Hope does physical therapy in." Alex didn't hear anything after the word 'Hope,' and Olivia knew it. She paused and waited for the questions that she thought Alex would ask. However, the attorney fidgeted a little with her hands and crossed her legs before telling Olivia to go on.

"When I came out of surgery she was in the room and I remember it being very uncomfortable. I was still pretty out of it, but Fin took care of it for me, and Dr. Foster apologized saying she wouldn't bother me again."

This doesn't seem too bad, Alex thought.

"When I woke up at Fin's she had texted me and basically said that she was sorry, but that she just wanted to make sure I was ok and everything like that." After I saw you come through the door at Fin's last night and after what happened in the bathroom, I don't know if I was just so angry or what, but I texted her. And I know I shouldn't have, Alex. I don't know what I was thinking."

Getting worse.

"That's what happened when Elliot left. Melinda was wrapping my hand up still and when my phone buzzed he saw it was her and took it so I'd have to go out there to talk to him about it. He tore me up one side and down the other and I deserved it." Somewhere deep down, Alex could appreciate the loyalty and friendship that Elliot displayed to his own best friend, presumably on her behalf. But, at this moment, she was a little preoccupied with how this story was unraveling.

"So," Alex surprised herself. She wasn't planning on saying anything, but it was all just coming out. "You texted her and said what?"

Olivia's head ducked down a little bit, and Alex knew that look all too well. She knew she wasn't going to like what Olivia said next.

"Alex I—I didn't know—I wasn't thinki—."

"What did you say?" Alex's tone was even, unfazed.

"I asked her if she was free to meet." The next few sentences flew out of Olivia's mouth at 100 miles an hour. "But I texted her and told her that I knew what I said was a bad decision and I was just upset about what was going on with us. I told her I didn't know what was happening with us and that I just have a tendency to fuck everything up when I'm upset."

Alex sat back and listened to this unfold. She honestly didn't know how to feel. She wasn't surprised, per se, because this was Olivia's M.O., but she was still disappointed. She hadn't expected Olivia to do this with her. But, she had a feeling there was more to the story. So, she waited for a moment and asked another question.

"And so that was it? She said ok and left you alone?"

"Well, to be 100% honest with you, no. She sent me an inappropriate picture and asked if I needed help figuring out this situation. And, I think I knew before, but that's when I really understood how deep the love that I have for you is."

Alex sat back and thought about all of this for a few minutes. Olivia watched as the wheels spun in the attorney's head, awaiting a barrage of questions. When she didn't say anything for a few moments, the detective began speaking again.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I know I've done so many things wrong in the past few days, all because of some stupid question some reporter asked you. But, out of everything, I knew that this would disappoint you the most." She paused. "Do you remember the first night we spent in the apartment after you moved in?" Alex nodded, not sure where she was going with this line of questioning. "I asked you if you knew that I loved you. Because I didn't want you to ever feel like I didn't—especially because of my reputation for fucking up my relationships by looking around for other people." Alex nodded again, and her suppressed anger started to subside a bit. "I want you to know that I really thought this was over. I sat in bed last night and tried to think about all of the scenarios where this would be ok, and it was so hard to think about. But, then I realized it was because I have never wanted to actually work at something. When things get hard, unless it's for my job, I give up. And that's where you're different. As soon as I felt myself engaging in that conversation, I knew it was wrong, because I know you're the one I love."

Alex sat back for a few moments before speaking. "So, I just want to make sure I have this straight. She saw you at the hospital, was kicked out of your room, and texted you to say that she wanted to make sure you were ok." Olivia nodded as Alex continued. "I came over to Fin's and you texted her to meet up. After I left, she sends you a picture and it's only then that you realize that you love me and that this conversation should end?"

"Alex, I—." She stopped Olivia before she had time to start.

"Here's the thing, Olivia. I understand you. Whether you think I do or not, I get you. And these past few days have really opened my eyes to exactly how much I hurt you. And, honestly," she began to cry, "that's something that I will never be able to take back." Olivia's face grew concerned, but Alex was continuing through her tears. "I have never known someone so unsure of why other people love them. And, so indecisive as to why they feel that way."

"I have loved you for as long as I can remember, Olivia. I remember when we worked on our first case together, and how I couldn't take my eyes off of you—I wanted so badly to learn more about this mysterious detective that sat next to me every day." She felt herself going down memory lane, and reeled herself back in.

"I can't tell you why you feel like you need to run to someone else when things feel difficult. I wish I could." Tears flowed from her eyes now, but her voice remained steady. "On one hand, I appreciate you telling me that this happened, but on the other, I can't help but feel upset. I know the last week has been hard for us, but I can't be with someone who won't talk to me about these problems and then turns to someone else. I thought I was doing a good thing by giving you space, but in reality it was just creating more distance for you to run into the arms of another woman."

Olivia heard Alex raise her voice and she turned to the attorney, placing her hands over Alex's knees. "Alex, just let me say this. For a second, please?" Alex looked over at her and flailed her hand, in a 'whatever' kind of motion. Olivia took a breath and continued. "I shouldn't have said that I realized that it was you until she sent me that picture—that's not how I feel. I knew it was you, and I have for a long time. But, I thought things between us were over, wrong or right, that's what I thought. I thought you didn't want to be with me, and once I spoke to you at Fin's last night was when I knew that things might work out. I didn't 'run into her arms,' Alex."

"I was so mad, and I know that's not an excuse. I'm sorry. I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am. I love you, and I know that things aren't great between us right now, but I want to get back to where we should be."

Alex sat for a moment, listening. "The worst part about this is that I still trust you. I know your heart and I saw how you reacted to Hope in the hospital after you got shot. I know, deep down, that there's nothing there. But, it doesn't mean I don't worry about why you feel the need to do that."

They sat in silence for a few moments before Alex said that she should go. They walked around the restaurant and shut out all of the lights before they exited out the front door, Olivia making sure it was locked behind them. Not a word was spoken until they crossed the street into the parking lot. "I just need to process all of this," Alex spoke as she used her key fob to unlock her car.

"I understand."

"Olivia," Alex took Olivia's hands into her own as she spoke, "I love you more than anything I've ever loved in my life. Sometimes I don't understand how I can even work, or get through a day without seeing you. But, I appreciate you telling me this and being transparent, as much as it sucked to hear it."

"I'm sorry, Alex."

"It's ok. You don't need to apologize. Ultimately, you didn't do anything, and it was a rather short exchange, it seemed. I just need to take some time and put this all together and fully try to understand this week. Listen, we've both done things that we shouldn't have, and that we probably aren't proud of. I'm to blame for starting this whole mess." Alex took a breath before her next suggestion. "I think that it would just be best for the both of us to do our own thing for these next few days and mull everything over."

"I get it. I think that would be helpful."

They hugged, and Olivia couldn't help but notice Alex's grip around her neck tighten. She reciprocated, tensing her arms around the blonde's torso. After a few minutes they broke apart and Alex delicately kissed Olivia's lips, resting her forehead on the detective's afterwards.

"I love you, Olivia Benson."

"I love you too."