Memory is a strange thing. We probably all know that very first second of the day when we wake up. That blissful second of nothingness when we're caught between a state of sleep and consciousness. We have no memories, no pain or hurt during that second. We're in a state of pure calm. How we sometimes wish to extend that moment.

But what if the pain and hurt come back, while the memories stay away?

Grissom woke up with a start. He had been dreaming, but couldn't remember what about. He tried to calm down his nerves, but found it impossible as he realised that the pillow he was lying on didn't feel like his own. The mattress didn't either. It smelled different from home. It felt different from home. Where was he?

There was something, he knew it. Some knowledge in the back in his mind that tried to come out, but couldn't. He searched hard and deep with his eyes still closed, but the connections in his brain didn't seem to work properly. He took a deep breath and counted to five. Still didn't know.

Then, he opened his eyes. Soft light seeped through a crack somewhere and told him that it had to be very early in the morning. He tried to take in his surroundings. Was he inside a tent? The canvas walls definitely indicated as such.

A dull and painful feeling tormented his head, but he tried hard to keep his eyes open. He needed them to make sense of things. Putting the puzzle he was confronted with together. He looked to the floor next to him and took in the chaos. All kinds of stuff - definitely not his - was scattered around the place. Chaos that mimicked his state of mind as he thought of it. His brains worked overtime trying to make sense of it all. Where was he? What was he doing here?

His temperature rose. His breathing accelerated. He knew he was having an old-fashioned panic attack, but didn't know what to do about it, except for trying some deep breathing exercises he'd read about in the journal Progressive muscle relaxation, breathing exercises and the ABC theory by Matsumoto and Smith. ''We instructed the patients as follows: gently breathe in through your nose for four counts. Don't fill your lungs too full of air. Hold your breath for a count of seven. Exhale through your mouth.''

Well, at least he remembered something, he thought to himself as he tried hard to calm down.

Suddenly, he noticed some movement next to him and he tensed up when he felt a hand on his back.

'Grissom?'

A sigh of relief went through his entire body as he turned around and looked in her hazel brown eyes. Sara.

'Are you okay?' Her hand had moved from his back to his chest and she looked at him with worry.

It finally dawned on him. Sara. Costa Rica. Their conversation on the beach that had been disturbed by an alarming phone call. Sara's team mate who had been kidnapped. Their talk in front of the tent. The rest of the night… Most of it came back to him, but slowly and not in full detail. There were bits missing from his memory he realized. Things that were important. Things that could possibly help them.

'Your heart is racing,' Sara whispered.

Her hand on his chest felt warm to the touch. It should've been enough to calm him down, but it was like a haze suddenly overtook him. His annoyance with himself about not fully remembering everything made him get up. It all happened in a reflex, he wasn't exactly in control to such an extent, but something told him to get the facts right and don't stop before he had them.

He found his clothes lying on a fold-up chair next to the bed and put them on. It proved to be harder than usual and he felt dizzy and disoriented. He put one foot inside the leg of his pants, but noticed something was off. He had done it the wrong way around. He tried again, more successfully this time. He picked up his shirt and struggled with the buttons. Couldn't find the right order in doing the most mundane things.

The haze that had formed inside his head now had fully taken over, blocking more and more of his rationale and his senses.

He got out of the tent and started pacing back and forth. Think, think, think. He needed to know what had been nagging him in the back of his mind.

The world around him diminished, simply wasn't there anymore as he paced around looking for answers that were hidden deep down inside his own memory. ''Jungle, sea turtles, Costa Rica, Sara, canvas, soil''. His head pounded while his mind raced. ''CSI, candy, university, Hank, parents, Warrick, conference …'' All kinds of words jumbled around in his head. Nothing of it made sense. It was just a cloud of words flying around in the chaos inside his mind. Trying to grab words to form a full sentence didn't work. It were only the meaningless words and a sense of panic that was all there was left.

Out of nowhere he felt a hand on his arm. The shock apparently sent signals through his nervous system all the way to the muscles in his arm. He felt his hand raise up like on automatic pilot and launch its way forward with force.

His action was followed by a hand - not his - taking hold of his wrist and holding his arm in place up in the air. The sudden movement made him snap out of his semi-unconscious state. The haze inside his head slowly disappeared and he looked into the frightened eyes of Sara.

Sleep couldn't overtake Sara that night. Instead, she was looking up at the ceiling of the tent, trying to progress the events of the previous day up and until a few hours before. Too much had happened.

At the beach, while she and Grissom had been watching the turtles hatch, she'd hoped they would be able to take their time to try to work out what had gone wrong between the two of them. Just to see whether they could try again, or if it was really over. Both being realistic options, she realized.

Nevertheless, the impact of Grissom's visit on her was huge. She didn't want to admit it there and then, but she had been filled with incredible joy that he had come for her.

Then, the first bomb had been dropped by Grissom admitting the real reason for his visit. Her heart had broken into tiny little pieces at that beach. The significance and implications of what Grissom had told her had hit her with full force. She knew what the diagnosis meant. She'd studied the subject when she was still in college. She'd seen individuals being broken down little by little until nothing was left of them. Whole families being torn apart by that horrible disease.

Every sprinkle of optimism she'd hung onto until that moment had vanished. All hope of a long and happy life together abolished by that one single message of despair.

The initial shock had still been properly setting in when they'd received the call from Brian. Lesley, the most loving, caring and courageous member of their team. How could this have happened to her? And how did the poachers know about their project?

Sara couldn't stand the excruciating wait, but there was nothing they could do right now. The criminals were going to contact them one way or another, asking for ransom or their cooperation in another way. They had to save Lesley, they just had to.

Sara was disturbed from her thoughts when Grissom started to toss and turn next to her. Small and grunting noises escaped him. Sara turned to her side and looked at him, tears forming in her eyes. What were they going to do?

The tossing and turning increased until Grissom lied totally still, his face away from Sara.

She snuggled up closer to him, laid her arm over his back and found his hand in front of his belly where she held it. 'It's okay, I'm here. You don't have to be afraid,' she whispered. She placed her head against the back of his shoulder and formed her naked body to exactly fit against his. She closed her eyes and listened to the calming sound of his breathing. She'd missed him so much. She hadn't wanted to admit it to herself, but she truly had missed him. And soon enough, she had to miss him forever.

After a while, light started to come in from outside. The sounds of night time made way for exotic birds chirping and Sara knew that they had to get up soon to continue their search for Lesley.

Suddenly, Grissom's body tensed and he started to get restless again. He pulled himself away from her, his arm dropping out of the bed in the process. The cot was only small, slightly bigger than a one-person's bed. After a few seconds he laid still again, but now his breathing accelerated.

Sara wasn't sure what to do and just watched him, ready to come into action when he really needed her help.

After a few moments, she heard him performing some breathing exercises she was familiar with. He had to be awake now. Slowly, she laid her hand on his back and felt him tense up. 'Grissom?'

She didn't expect him to turn around, but as he did she asked him if he was okay. Her hand moved from his back to his chest. She could feel his heart beating wildly inside. 'Your heart is racing.'

He looked at her with recognition and a slight sense of relief, but something was off, Sara noticed.

Grissom's sudden move surprised her. She watched him getting up without saying a word. Unbalanced, like he had too much to drink, he made his way to the chair where his clothes were. The way he put them on could only be described as clumsy. First, he moved his foot inside the wrong leg of his pants, so he had to try a second time. Then, his hands were shaking when he tried to close the zipper.

Sara moved herself upwards, steading herself by resting on her elbow. She almost wanted to offer to help him as she noticed him struggling with the buttons of his shirt. The rage and fury in his eyes however stopped her in her tracks. This wasn't the man she knew. Not the composed, serious, but sweet man she loved. This was someone completely different.

With the buttons of his shirt done all the wrong way, she watched him exit the tent. Hastily she gathered and put on some clothes. Whatever there was going on with Grissom, it couldn't be good. Quickly, Sara followed him outside.

There she found him pacing around up and down the grounds, hands hanging loosely next to his body. His feet were dragging a bit and it definitely wasn't his usual steady walking Sara was used to. She heard him mumbling some words to himself, but she couldn't make out what they meant.

A blackout could be a symptom of dementia, Sara knew that. The way Grissom was acting wasn't his usual self and was probably caused by the disease. At this stage of his diagnosis, it was most likely just an episode and it would pass. Yet, his behavior scared her and she was worried sick for him.

She took a deep breath and moved closer. If he wasn't able to snap out of this blackout himself, she had to be there to help him. Once she was only a step away from him, she moved her hand to his arm, trying to stop his nervous pacing.

It all happened in less than a second. As Sara's hand touched Grissom's skin, his arm launched upwards and then back, directed to her with full force - his hand flat, ready to hit. In a reflex, Sara grabbed his wrist and used all her strength to stop the attack. Grissom was strong, but the adrenaline that rushed through her made her stronger. Grissom's arm now hung aimlessly in the air, Sara holding her firm grip.

She was too stunned to say anything, as an enormous sense of disbelief overtook her. Her hand was still around Grissom's wrist when she felt the muscles in his arm relax and saw her disbelief and fear reflected in his eyes.

Finally she let go, turned around and walked away.

A/N: I really struggled with this chapter. I hope it's okay! Anyways, thanks so much for reading and for your votes and reviews. They really put a smile on my face.