Well, it's been a hot minute since I wrote some HTTYD fanfiction. Uni work got in the way, real life becomes busy, and before I knew it, it had been two and a half years.

I wanted to write a sequel to The Treatment Centre because firstly, awareness of poor mental health is important as hell, and whilst I'm not 100% happy with that story on reflection, I liked the alternate universe I created in it. I also absolutely wanted more excuse to write Hiccup angst. It's not essential to have read TTC before reading this, but it definitely will help make sense of certain character motivations etc.

ALSO, I'm not American but I'm writing this story as if the characters were. Maybe this was a silly decision, but I have a few US friends who told me that i) college starts in August and not September/October like here in the UK, and ii) 'mom' and not 'mum'. Still going to use my 'u's in colour, rumour etc though, otherwise the spellchecker freaks out. Please let me know if there's any overt mistakes.

This story and TTC are both heavy with content warnings. If you are not okay with this, do not read. I don't want to ruin anyone's day. Comments and criticism are very welcome. I am not a health professional, although I do study mental illness extensively on my degree, so this is my disclaimer that anything I say is not to be taken seriously or literally.

Content Warnings – mentions of mental illness, suicide attempts, drug use.

4th August

I'm finally starting college. Never thought I'd get here, so that's pretty wild.

Gobber couldn't stop telling me how proud he was over dinner this evening. My dad was literally crying. He never cries. There's way too much beard for it. The last time I saw him this weepy, I was having one of my manic episodes and its been a while since I had those. Gobber made way too much dinner and I think Toothless snuck a bunch of it. He's laid on my bed looking very sorry for himself. It was nice, though, the kind of send-off that would have pleased most.

I still can't comprehend how different my life is from what it was when I was younger. I never believed that I would maybe get better. I always thought that I would be sick forever, mentally unable to do anything, that I'd go mad and then finally kill myself. That was the plan, the trajectory. Its weird. Did I really think like that? I'm not saying that I'm happy like 100%. I still had to do high school in a hippy dippy boarding school, still have to consume tablets every day because apparently, I have mood swings. Well, moodier swings than most teenagers, anyway. Dad forbids me to go near beer, or any substance for that matter. Couldn't get any of that at school, either. I want to believe that these things are normal, but, well, its normal for me.

Yeah. I actually kind of like myself now, and I'm kind of proud of myself. I sucked at school initially and now I'm going to college. I'm doing fine art, obviously. I'm not much good at anyone else, BUT apparently my drawings are cool. Some of them even got framed at my school. It's not a top college or anything, just somewhere about four hours drive from home, so I could get back if I wanted. Dad was worried at first, and wanted me to go somewhere local in case…well, in case I got sick again. But I managed to convince him that I'd be fine, and besides, its time for me to grow up. I'm 19 now. I'm practically an adult. I can't live under people for ever.

So, here I am, packing my bag. Tomorrow, I'll move to my new place, hopefully sharing a dorm with someone who can deal with my weirdness. I'm just sad I can't bring Toothless with me. My dad said I could use to emotional support animal angle but it wouldn't be fair on him, and well…I don't want to be seen as "the unstable one" because I'm fine. I just want to leave all that stuff behind. I don't want it bringing up anymore, because its done with. I've dealt with the trauma and now it just stays in this journal here, which is honestly get way too battered for my liking.

I did pack a few of my drawings from when I was at Graceland, though. They were pretty cool. I guess its like a reminder, to not be like this again. Also, dragons are just cool, right?

5th August

So I'm finally here and its not like how I expected. I mean, honestly, I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't realise that there was going to be so much…. partying. I thought that it was just stuff from the movies, but no, the minute I got here there were people drinking.

My roommate is…interesting. He's called Krogan and he's on a sports scholarship. He wasn't my first choice to share a room with, given that he's spent the entire afternoon making advances on numerous women in our block. I don't really like to think about the prospect of finding someone to date too hard. Dad joked about finding a wife whilst at college, but the girl of my dreams already passed me by so I just like to forget about it.

I hate not knowing why Astrid never returned my calls. One day we were good, chatting as normal, talking about meeting up again soon, and the next, she never responded. Then all of her socials disappeared. Dad told me that sometimes, people just drift away. I would be willing to believe it but Astrid and i…we had something. She was the one, I know it. At the same time, though, I'm scared to find her.

I feel quite anxious, honestly, and this isn't a good thing. its super conflicting: like, I want to join them and have fun and meet people, but my relationship with substances hasn't been great in the past. Dad would be furious if he found out I was drinking. He only left three hours ago and it was an ordeal to get him to leave. I'm glad that we've become really close over the past couple of years, but sometimes I miss keeping people at arm's length. He's become very overprotective, and he also talks at length about how he wants to "understand me better". I have to keep telling him that I'm fine and sometimes its aggravating.

Things would be better if Toothless was here with me. I wouldn't be feeling so stressed if I was holding him, or maybe walking him.

A walk might help, now I think about it. Maybe getting familiar with the surroundings would be nice. I don't know anything about this city – I didn't even know that Edgington existed until I started looking at colleges. I might write in here later, when I'm less stressed

5th August

Okay, I take everything I wrote before back. I'm not less stressed after this walk, I'm absolutely more stressed.

I have a friend request from her.

Astrid fucking Hofferson. It's there in big letters.

HELP

What do I do? Should I accept it? She looks the same but what if this is some stupid joke? Then what?

No no no,

This isn't happening.

Shit.