The six of them head out early the next day, pinks and purples soft in the morning sky ahead of the rising sun. Katara had counted herself lucky when she had awoken that morning to an empty bed, save for the ghost of Zuko's lips against her own and the taste of whiskey and spice still coating her tongue. She can't look too much into the kiss, afraid that she won't like what she finds; he probably just got caught up in the moment. Or it was the alcohol that made him kiss her. Aang's question from months ago runs circles around her head: what would it take for you to believe me? One would think that kissing someone twice would increase her confidence, but there's a little voice in her head that whispers doubts and uncertainties in her ear, and it won't shut up to save her life.
"What's wrong with you this morning?" Sokka elbows her in the ribs, but she barely even flinches at the contact.
"What? Nothing."
His eyebrows raise high on his head. "I call bullshit. Something's got you all messed up." She loves her brother, but she wishes he was a little less perceptive sometimes. His voice lowers to a whisper even though they're at the back of the group. "Did something happen with you-know-who?"
"I knew it was a mistake to tell you about that." Sokka had dragged so much information about her journey out of her the day before that she had ended up telling him about the incident in the cave.
"Come on, little sister, you can tell me!" He rests a large hand on her shoulder and gives it a squeeze. "But if he hurt you, I'm—"
"Sokka!" Everyone but Toph looks back at them at her outburst, and her face floods with heat.
"Listen." Her brother waits until the group has turned forward again before continuing. "I don't care what happened as long as it was consensual." Her blush gets impossibly warmer. "But, if you two can't get your shit together, I'm going to shove you both in a tent and sew it up until you talk to each other like normal people." Her arms cross in a huff, and Sokka's hands fly up in surrender.
Thankfully he doesn't bring it up again, but the awkward aura that surrounds her doesn't dissipate. She can barely even meet Zuko's eyes without her face flushing bright red, and she knows that the others have taken notice. Why did I have to go and screw things up again? They haven't spoken since last night, and the absence of his voice is making her itchy and uncomfortable, their usual easy conversation and light teasing replaced with a cumbersome awkwardness that she'd do almost anything to get rid of. But talking to Zuko about it just isn't an option; if she brings it up, things could get even more awkward, and she might put their friendship in jeopardy by dragging the complications out into the daylight. At least this awkwardness will fade eventually, just as it had with their first kiss. I can't believe I kissed him again… what is wrong with me?
"Hey." Katara hadn't even noticed Suki slowing her gait so that they could walk together. "You look like you need to get out of your head. Wanna talk?"
"As long as it's not about my love life." Katara grumbles, and Suki raises her brows. She quickly changes the subject. "So, are you and Sokka a thing?"
"I guess you could say that." Suki smiles, and a light blush dusts her cheeks.
"How did he manage to woo a girl like you? You seem so… put together." Suki laughs loud and bright, and Katara can feel her mood lifting.
"I'm not nearly as put together as I seem, I promise you that."
Suki talks to Katara for a little while, and she welcomes the distraction whole heartedly. She likes Suki; she's confident and funny, and she seems like the kind of woman that demands respect, which is good for someone like Sokka. He turns around a few times to look at Suki, doe eyed and love struck, from where he walks at the front of the group with Zuko, who makes the mistake of turning around once, catching her eye, and hastily turning back towards the road. A tired sigh pulls from her lungs, and the group continues on like her heart isn't bottoming out in her stomach.
The day stretches on for so long that it feels like weeks have passed before they stop for the night. The group sets up their things, and she can't help but notice that Sokka and Suki seem to only have one tent between them. Memories of the nights she spent with Zuko in their cramped tent at the beginning of their journey come flashing back into her mind's eye; the comfort she had given him after his nightmare, their late nate conversations in the dark, the sight of his dark lashes fluttering on his cheek as he dreamt on the nights that she couldn't sleep.
"You good over there, Sugar Queen?" Toph's voice beside her drags her violently out of her reverie.
"What? I'm fine." She continues hammering the stakes through the holes in her tent.
"If you hit those stakes any harder, they're gonna break." She realizes that the force behind her hammering arm has been quite… well, unnecessary.
"Shit." She almost feels like she wants to cry, the constant whirling of her thoughts throughout the entire day battering the inside of her skull and driving her anxiety up a wall.
"Listen." Toph crouches down next to her. "Everything's gonna be fine. You two always end up working things out, and you'll work this out too. Just relax." She's glad Toph can't see the shock on her face; she would never expect a pep talk from the queen of snark, and the sincerity of it touches her deep in her heart.
"Thanks Toph." The other girl gives her an affectionate punch on the arm before standing back up and walking away. Katara takes a deep breath, swallows the confusion and guilt and heartache that have been choking her since that morning, and tries to treat her tent with a little more care as she continues to pitch it.
"Right, so." Sokka claps his hands together to get everyone's attention after they've finished setting up camp. "We need to practice working together as a team while we fight. You guys," he points at the four Othered, "are probably already comfortable with each other, and so are Suki and I, but we have to be a cohesive unit when we fight all together. So we should probably run some drills." Toph and Aang groan, and Zuko pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Sokka, can't this wait until tomorrow or something? We're so tired." Katara desperately just wants to lie down in the silence of her tent and close her eyes for a few minutes. Or a few hours. Or a few days.
"We're just going to be more tired tomorrow. And we'll have to train then, too." She hates to admit that Sokka makes a good point, and Toph flops backwards onto the ground, a cloud of dirt puffing up around her with the action.
"Let's at least eat first," Zuko pleads, looking just as tired as she feels, dark bags under his unscarred eye contrasting with his pale skin. "You're hungry, right?"
"You got me there." Sokka's obviously more interested in food than anything else, and Katara silently thanks Zuko for distracting her brother enough to allow them to rest.
They chat a little during dinner, getting to know each other better with jokes and anecdotes and stories from their travels. She's able to forget the aching in her chest almost completely, finding comfort and familiarity in the laughter of her friends and family. Sokka's presence has done wonders for her mood; she hadn't realized how much she had missed his lame puns and unwillingness to work. But it seems like Suki really has whipped him into shape, because he's more involved with the cooking and cleaning than she's ever seen him before, and Katara is filled with warmth at the thought of her brother happy and in love. At least one of us can be happy.
Sokka drags Zuko, Aang, and Toph off to put together some practice dummies for their group training after dinner, and the group is soon huddled together in a loose circle devising a plan.
"Okay, Suki and I are close range, Aang and Toph are long range, and I'd say Katara and Zuko are medium range." Her eyes narrow at her brother, but he seems not to notice. "So I think working in those kinds of pairs tonight will be a good way for us to get a feel for each other's styles and how we can best work together. Sound good?" There are no complaints from the group, although Katara is about ready to smack Sokka in the back of the head for pairing her with Zuko. Not that she doesn't like fighting with him; on the contrary, their fighting styles compliment each other's very well, but she doesn't want to have to be close to him right now. She doesn't think her aching heart can take it without bursting at the seams.
Soon the campsite is full of the sounds of battle, elements flying every which way, rock and straw dummies breaking and bursting in every direction. It doesn't take long for them to take care of all the dummies; it had almost been too easy.
"Alright, that was way too easy." Sokka's voice is a mirror for her thoughts. "Maybe we should try something else. Toph," he turns to the younger girl lounging on the ground. "Maybe you can make some more rock dummies and try to attack us with them. That way we can get a feel for actually fighting people."
"Sounds good to me." Toph hits the ground beside her, and a pillar of rock propels her into a standing position from her previous bed of dirt.
"We'll switch up the teams too. First Suki and Zuko will fight, and then Aang and Katara, and we'll rotate from there."
"Do you want me to use my fire or my swords?" Zuko's rasping voice births goosebumps all over her skin, and she does her best not to shudder.
"Hmm..." Sokka strokes an invisible beard on his chin. "Both." Zuko shrugs and pulls out his swords. He and Suki take their place as Toph creates some dummies.
"Okay, go!" Sokka shouts their cue, and the two fighters get to work. Katara is quickly impressed by both of their skills; Suki is fast and agile, using two metal fans as her weapons, and her style compliments Zuko's as he swings with his dao blades, occasionally shooting streams of fire from his feet, and even running flames along the edge of his swords in a powerful display of his gift. Toph throws dummy after dummy at the duo, and she can see them staring to sweat with the exertion as the fight wears on. The training ends when Zuko side steps just a moment too late and takes a hit to the ribs from a sizable chunk of rock; she flinches at the contact and the resulting wince that hisses through Zuko's teeth.
"Alright, that was awesome!" Sokka looks positively elated as a panting Suki and Zuko walk back over to the campfire, tired but in good spirits due to their almost seamless teamwork. "Okay, Katara, Aang, your turn."
Her and Aang work well together, but it's not nearly as smooth and Zuko and Suki's display. She chalks it up to her and Aang being less skilled in combat in general, but really she thinks that their styles just don't mesh. Aang focuses on defensive moves as opposed to offensive ones, and Katara's water works best to redirect the momentum of other's attacks. Which means when Aang blows one of the projectiles out of the way, Katara's attack misses and leaves them open for injury. They both walk off the field bruised and sore, and after Sokka and Zuko take on more of Toph's dummies, they call it a night, all of them tired and aching except for Toph.
"You'll get yours tomorrow," Zuko assures Toph when she complains that she hadn't been in on the action at all that night.
"Is that a challenge, Sparky?" Toph's sliver smile cuts her face in two, the expression more intimidating than comforting in Katara's opinion.
"Oh, it's a promise." Toph punches Zuko in the arm and they both laugh, the harmony sending a pang of jealousy reverberating through her bones.
The sky darkens in a gradient, shades of blue blending into indigo and royal purple, and the stars come out in droves, hundreds of them hanging above the group as they relax. The fire lowers slowly until all that's left is embers, the soft glow throwing light and warmth at the six of them as they start filing off to sleep. Katara waits at the fire, dry heat cracking her lips as time passes minute by minute, her heartbeat ratcheting up each time one of her companions leaves until just her and Zuko remain. She's been preparing for this for hours; she knows they need to talk, even if what he says isn't what she wants to hear.
"Are we okay?" Her voice is quieter than she wants it to be, but it still rings out in the night like a gong.
"Yeah, we're okay." She takes a chance and meets Zuko's glowing eyes, and there's a certain desperation in them, something she can't quite put her finger on lingering around the edges and clinging to his lashes.
"Okay." The word is hardly anything more than an exhale, and her shoulders slump with the loss of air. "Good."
They sit in silence for a beat before Zuko gets up and moves to sit next to her. There's more space between them than there normally would be, and it feels like those handful of inches have bled into miles.
"I'm sorry." Her brows pull down in confusion at his words, and she turns to see him staring down into his lap. "I didn't— I shouldn't—" She sees the words stick in his throat.
"It's okay." There's that desperation in his eyes again. "It's not— it doesn't have to change anything." The words are sandpaper scraping up her throat, blood on her tongue as they fall from her lips like stones.
"Right." She can feel Zuko's shuddering exhale like it's blown right into her bones, and what sounds like relief in his voice feels like a swift punch to her gut. "Right, it doesn't change anything."
"Yeah." Lead lines her stomach as the silence slides in around them like a dense fog. She hadn't thought that talking to Zuko could possibly make her feel worse, but here she is. If this is how it has to be, so be it. At least things can go back to normal now.
"I'm gonna head to bed." She forces a smile that feels more like a grimace, only able to meet his golden eyes for a moment, unable to bear seeing her heartbreak reflected in the ever present glow. "Goodnight Zuko."
"Goodnight Katara." She wants there to be sadness in his voice, and she can almost twist his tone into something dejected and miserable.
The shy thing that acts as her heart shrivels as she lays in her bedroll, dry and numb and sensitive to the touch. It feels like in a quest to bandage herself, she's only managed to rub salt into a heart shaped wound. She mourns that broken glass hope, unable to pry her hands open to let the shards fall, instead letting the blood pool and spill over as salty tears. Get a grip, Katara. It's not the end of the world. She tries to look on the bright side; at least Zuko is still her friend. She still gets to spend time with him and laugh at his dumb jokes and bathe in the radience of his smile. It's enough. It has to be.
Xx
The vice in her chest eases as the days go by, but it never truly goes away. She's able to look Zuko in the eye for longer than a few seconds, and they've started talking again like things are almost back to normal, even if it feels like she's across the world from him no matter their proximity. A half-real smile sits on her face when they speak, and she wants to think that she isn't imagining the dullness in his eyes, that his smile is actually smaller than usual when they talk, but she knows that she's just projecting. Her pain is one sided, and every morning she drowns it in memories of shining gold and cinnamon smoke until she can take a deep breath without feeling like she's going to break.
Suki pulls her aside one night while her brother and Zuko are off hunting, dragging her off away from the campfire where Aang and Toph laugh over their cups of tea.
"Are you okay? What's going on?" She should have known that she wouldn't be able to hide anything from Suki; she's got the senses of a warrior, and she picks up on everything.
"I'm okay." Suki gives her a disbelieving look, and she feels her resolve disintegrating. "I talked to Zuko the other night."
"Did it not go well?" Suki's hand is a comforting weight on her shoulder, her eyes a soft hazel pillow for Katara to lay her worries on.
"He apologized. And I just…" She rubs her face with her hand, trying to keep the tears behind her eyelids where they belong. "I said it didn't have to change anything. And he agreed. And that's it."
"Come here." She collapses into Suki's sturdy embrace, her tears flowing freely and soaking into her friend's shirt.
"Is this what love is?" She pulls back to look Suki in the eye. "Is it supposed to hurt this much? I'm such a mess." Her laugh is choked and stunted, but Suki's smile is kind and soft.
"Love can be difficult. Sometimes we love so hard that it tears us up inside, but that doesn't make it any less beautiful. The stronger the pain, the stronger the love. Look at me." Suki cups Katara's cheeks and looks into her eyes. "You're going to be fine. No matter what happens with Zuko. But I have to ask..." Suki takes her hand and guides her to sit down at the base of a tree. "What happened?"
"We kissed during our last night in Ba Sing Se. We were walking back to the inn and there was that festival going on, and we had a drink and we were dancing..." she takes a breath to cut off her rambling. "And we kissed. But after we just… didn't talk about it. And then we went to bed and it was the next day and that's it."
"Wow." Suki's eyes are a little wide as she takes in what Katara's just told her. "Well obviously you wanted to kiss him, right?" Katara nods her head. "What makes you think he didn't want to kiss you too?"
"I mean, he literally just said that it didn't mean anything, and—"
"Did he, though?"
"What do you mean? I just told you he did."
"But he didn't actually say that it meant nothing. He agreed with you that it didn't have to change anything, but maybe he was just agreeing because he's exactly as scared as you are." She has to admit that it's something she hadn't even thought of, whether out of fear or ignorance, she isn't sure. "Sometimes you have to read between the lines, Katara. I can't tell you what to do, but I think if you actually told him how you feel, how you really feel, things would go a lot differently than they did the other night."
"But I can't Suki!" She hates how desperate she sounds, hates the break in her voice and the weakness it betrays. "I can't risk losing him entirely. It's not worth it."
"Okay, deep breaths, Katara." The tears claw at the lids of her eyes, fighting for release into the open night air. "You do whatever you think is best."
She groans, her heavy head falling down to rest in her hands. "We never even talked about our first kiss."
"Your what?!"
"Oh, god." She had forgotten that Suki wasn't aware of what happened in the cave. "It's a long story. We were trapped in a cave and there was this… legend or something, and we thought that if we kissed we would find a way out." Suki's eyes are blown wide with disbelief, her mouth open just enough for Katara to realize how ridiculous it all sounds. "Look, it ended up working, okay?"
"But you kissed then too, and didn't talk about that one either?"
"Well, we started to, but we were rudely interrupted by a homicidal barn owl." Wan Shi Tong's terrifying body looms in her memory like a spiritual monolith. "And we just… never got to it, I guess."
"No offense, but you two are the dumbest smart people I've ever met. Except for maybe Sokka." The groan that crawls out of Katara's throat is heavy and embarrassing, and she leans her head back against the tree trunk, a distinct thunk sounding off at the contact.
Xx
Exhaustion eats away at her bones, a quiet emotional ache buried in her very marrow after her talk with Suki. It had felt good to get it all off of her chest, but now she just feels drained and fragile. She nurses the bitter tea Aang had made them all (he isn't very good at making tea, but nobody has the heart to tell him) as she tries to stay warm next to the campfire. It's well into autumn now, and the night is chilled and dry, shivers coursing through her with the subtle breeze. Zuko finds her at the fireside (it seems that they're drawn to each other, even now) and situates himself on the dirt next to her, the ever present heat that he carries staving off another shiver.
"Are we still being followed?" With the kiss on her mind nearly twenty four hours a day, she's been ruminating on the mysterious onlooker that had totally ruined the moment.
"Yeah, I think so." He wrings his hands in his lap, and she has to tear her eyes away from his broad palms and long fingers.
"Is it the same guy from before?"
"I'm not sure, but probably." His head tilts up towards the sky, and hers follows, glowing eyes drawn to the waning moon perched comfortably among the stars. "Sokka and I did a little reconnaissance when we were hunting the other day; whoever's following us is getting close. They'll probably make a move in a few days." Her eyes fall back to her half empty mug, and despite Zuko's warmth she shudders with the breeze. She feels his glowing eyes on her, so when he moves back to brace himself on his hands, she feels bold enough to move closer into his side. The scent of cinnamon and wood smoke clings to his clothes, the smell hitting her anew when he adjusts his arm closer to her back. "We'll be fine; we've been training together and we're all strong enough to handle him. Plus, there's six of us now." The smile on his face is just for her, small and soft and maddeningly sweet.
"Yeah, you're right." She feels her mouth tilt into a shy smile of her own.
Their eyes meet, the ethereal sunbeam glow of Zuko's shining bright in the darkness, rendering the fire dull and dreary in comparison. He has her under some sort of spell, something strong and commanding pushing behind her lips, frantic to meet his in a cosmic collision. But something wilts inside of her, her head a blooming flower suddenly deprived of water falling back towards the earth as she looks away. The silence that stretches between them isn't as comfortable as it used to be, but in dropping her head onto his shoulder she feels some semblance of normalcy, and when she feels his cheek rest upon her crown, she remembers why all the heartache is worth it. The stronger the pain, the stronger the love.