A/N: A short prequel to the 1980 movie "Airplane!".

Eleven O'Clock Higher Education

"You really have to get a grip on yourself," Elaine Dickinson said to her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. She knew it was over, but he didn't have a clue at the moment.

"Is that supposed to be a joke about my love handles?" Ted Striker asked, checking his waistline.

"No Ted, you have got to come to terms with your war trama. PTSD is treatable but you have to admit you have a problem first."

"I have come to terms with it - 30 days same as cash. And my problem is that working as a taxi driver just doesn't earn the big bucks like I thought it would. The movies make it out to be a lot more lucrative than it actually is. Maybe I should get a job in a disco; they'll be around forever."

"Maybe you should try something else," she said as she searched through a pile of mail three feet tall sitting on a table. The pile tumbled over and she plucked one from the center. "Here it is." She handed the brochure to Ted and he started reading it.

Hello there. My name is Norton McAfee, and if you haven't seen my ads recently then you haven't been paying attention. I'm not a Mister, or even a Doctor. I'm a Hyper-Doctor. What's that, you ask? I have one of the most cutting-edge, innovative degrees available in the education industry today. The Hyper-Doctorate. It's more doctory than what you've come to expect as the acme of the pinnacle of the zenith of education.

It seems these days EVERYONE has a doctorate. Educators, business people, politicians and even my garbageman all have Doctorates of Philosophy. Did you know there are more people with PhD after their name than Junior? There are that many, and the reason is simple - because doctorates are so easy to get.

"Why do I need an HPhD?" you may ask.

Let me ask you this - what are you going to do after you get your PhD? How can you move up from the deep-fryer at work without something that will catch the eye of your supervisor faster than a new achievement on his Halo game back home? Be the first in your office, department or company to have an HPhD!

Got student loans that can only be deferred until you finish your education? Enroll in our HPhD program now and push those deadlines back. Way back!

Facing the prospect of having to move out of your parents' basement because you don't have school any longer? Sign up today and forget about those change of address forms!

What does it cost? Who cares! Can you really put a value on attaining such an exclusive level of education that everyone will be impressed? We can and we have, so you don't have to.

"But Norton" I hear you ask, and I quickly correct you. "Hyper-Doctor McAfee, how long will it take before I too can be among the elite?" Well, here at the Intelligencia Methodical Education Institute. or the I-ME-I, we can have it take as long as you want. That's right, if you want to schedule your classes around work - assuming you haven't found a way to get out of working - we can arrange for evening and weekend classes to drag on for years. Or, if you need to appear to be busy during the day, we can arrange for daytime classes to drag on for years. The choice is entirely up to you.

For you students of means that already have enough money to choke a horse, ask about our "Donor University Fast-track Utility Service" where sponsoring a new lab, gym or study room can earn you valuable credits toward your HPhD - build us a new administration building and you can have your degree the next day the DUFUS way!

A question that many potential students ask is in which areas of study do we offer our HPhD degree. Rest assured, that no matter which area of study you choose, it will be in a liberal art that has no meaningful application to today's job market. That means that when you do eventually get your ultimate degree, it won't overqualify you for any jobs because there ARE no jobs where it applies. And, assuming we haven't perfected our Ultra-Hyper-Doctorate (the UHPhD under development at this time), you can feel confident that you have the highest attainable level of education that you can achieve.

Call or write today because - you deserve it.

"You're right Elaine, this is perfect for me! I bet there isn't a taxi driver in Los Angeles working for my company on my shift that's left-handed and was born in Canada that has a degree like that."

"Ted, you aren't left-handed."

"I have a left hand - that should count for something."

"You weren't born in Canada."

"Weeeellllll, within one country of it anyway. It's not like I was born in the Falklands."

"You don't even have a regular PhD. Or even any type of degree. I don't think you can even spell PhD."

"The 'ph' makes an 'F' sound, right?"

"Your parents don't even have a basement."

"I can start digging one."

"They live on a houseboat."

"I didn't say it would be easy," he said as he picked up his bag. "I've got to get to work now. We'll talk more about it later."

"I'm sorry Ted, I...I have to go to work too. I've got a flight to prepare for this evening. Someday I won't be there when you get back. Ever."

"Okay, see you later" he said as he took a glass of water and tossed it onto his forehead.

"And see someone about your drinking problem," Elaine said with a sigh.

The End

A/N: Oh boy, another empty category. Well, it WAS empty until I showed up, that is. I was thinking a person that would go to school forever without doing anything else and this idea came to mind.

I never watched the movie "Zero Hour" which was parodied heavily in this movie. I'd probably just be disappointed that it wasn't funny.