CHAPTER 12

The morning after both girls are woken up by a knock on Ava's bedroom door, and someone coming in right after. "Good morning girls," Cindy greets them gently, trying not to disturb them too much, "It's time to get up if we want to get to the dorms and help Nora settle in."

Ava yawns, stretching her whole body before replying, "Okay mom, we'll be right downstairs."

Her mother smiles at that, "Very well. Breakfast is already served. I hope you like pancakes, Nora."

Nora smiles sheepishly at that, "I do Aunt Cindy, thank you."

"Perfect! I'll see you in a few," Cindy says and leaves the room. Ava turns to her cousin, a small smile on her face.

"So, how did you sleep?" she asks Nora, while she goes around the room to pick some clothes to change into.

Nora sits up, resting her back against the headboard. She sighs, shrugging her shoulders, "I woke up a few times. I think I was - well, still am - nervous about today."

Ava turns to look at her, clothes and towel already in hand. "I get the feeling. I can't sleep very well too, whenever something major is about to happen."

Nora smiles at her, thankful for her cousin's understanding. She gets up from the bed and is about to grab some fresh clothes from her baggage when she notices some printed photographs on top of Ava's desk.

"Wow, you look good in these!"

Ava scoffs at her cousin, "Well don't look so surprised!" she teases, earning her a chuckle from the other girl.

"I just meant it's nice to see you smiling like this and being goofy. I wonder who this girl is-" Nora stops herself as her eyes go wide and looks at Ava with mischief. She grabs one of the photos to take a closer look before asking, "Don't tell me this is your famous roommate Sara?"

The blonde rolls her eyes but her sheepish smile betrays her. "Yes… That is Sara."

"Now I get it."

Ava looks at her confused, "Get what?"

"Why you get so flustered when I ask about her."

Ava scoffs at that, but her red cheeks betray her, "That's nonsense! I don't get flustered when you talk about her! Why would I get flustered about Sara?"

Nora raises an eyebrow at her reaction, not believing it for one second. They stare at each other for a couple of seconds until Ava cuts the silence.

"I'm going for my shower now, we can't be late."

"I agree. But I advise you to take a cold one though," Nora teases, earning her a closed door as reply.

"Are you excited for your first week in College, Nora?" Ava's mother asks while they drive through a road surrounded by trees and small suburban houses.

Nora lifts her head from the window to look at her aunt through the rearview mirror. "Yeah…"

Cindy smiles at her, "It's okay to be nervous, the first time is always nerve-wracking. It's an important step towards your adult life. I remember how I felt on my first day in College, I couldn't stop shaking."

Ava looks at her mother in surprise, "Really?"

The older woman nods, paying attention to the road ahead. "Yes. But once you get there and settle in, you will see all that anxiety goes away. Besides, Ava will be there for you. Right honey?"

Ava turns around on her seat so she can look at Nora, a reassuring smile on her face, "Of course I will. You can always go to my dorm room to hang out."

Cindy smiles at that, "See? Everything will be fine, don't worry."

Nora smiles at the both of them, nodding her head, "Thank you."

When Sara arrives at the dorm room, she notices that the door is ajar. "Alright, you can do this. It's just Ava, your roommate. You don't need to mention the almost kiss, just act normal."

She puts on a small smile before she opens the door, stepping in. "Hey Ava-"

Her face falls when she spots a brunette sitting on Ava's bed, looking up at her with inquisitive bright green eyes.

"You're not Ava," Sara says, her brows furrowed in confusion.

Nora smirks, "Perceptive."

Sara steps back out of the room to check the number on the plaque, making sure she's got the right room. Once she's positive, she steps back in.

"Okay I'm pretty sure this is my room, so who are you and what have you done to Ava?"

Nora opens her mouth to speak but Sara doesn't give her a chance. "Wait, don't tell me she requested to change rooms…" she says mostly to herself, swallowing down the sudden sadness that's trying to climb to the surface. Of course she changed rooms! She doesn't wanna see me again because I almost kissed her and fucked up. We just met and I already ruined everything! Why are you always like this, Sara?!

Suddenly the bathroom door opens and Ava steps out, breaking Sara's train internal rambling. "Sorry for the wait Nora, but I really had to pee."

"That's okay, your roommate kept me company."

Only then does Ava notice that they are not alone, blushing profusely when her eyes cross Sara's bright blues.

"Oh, Sara!" she smiles shyly, "I didn't know you were back already."

"Yes, I can see that," the smaller blonde quips, trying her best to hide her anxiety through a small smile. She then turns to Nora, in an attempt to shift the focus away from her. "And who is this?"

The brunette gets up and walks to Sara, extending her hand, "I'm Nora, Ava's cousin. It's nice to meet you, Sara," she says, turning her head to send a knowing smirk Ava's way.

Sara shakes her hand, "You too Nora," she says dropping her hand. She walks further into the room after closing the door behind her. She drops her bag on the floor, sitting down on her bed. "So, you're studying here too?"

"Yep, just started today."

"Ah I see. Psychology like Ava?"

"Nope. I want to be a Social Worker."

Sara nods, "Interesting, we need more of those."

Nora smiles at that. "What about you?"

"Medicine. I want to be a Surgeon, I just haven't figured out which specialty yet."

Ava waves her hand at that, "You have time, don't worry."

Sara smiles thankfully at her, "Thanks," her gaze fond as she stares at Ava. The latter can't help but stare back, getting lost in the blue of Sara's eyes.

God, only a weekend has passed and I was already missing looking at her beautiful eyes. Ava catches herself thinking, and that quickly makes her snap out of her trance. That, and Nora clearing her throat.

"Well I guess I'm going back to my new room now, I should probably try to get to know my roommate, seeing as I'll be spending a lot of time with her from now on."

Ava promptly springs into motion, "Wait, you don't want me to come with you?"

Nora waves her off, "Nah, it's fine. I'll text if I need anything."

"Are you sure? I really don't mind."

"It's fine, Ava. But thank you," she says before turning to Sara with a smile, "I'll see you around, Sara."

Sara smiles back at her, "You too," she tells her, but as Nora is stepping out the room she remembers something, standing to go after her, "Hey Nora!" she calls across the hallway, making the brunette turn around.

"Yeah?"

"Which floor are you in?"

"Oh it's right above yours. You can come by later if you want, Ava will know which room."

Sara nods, "Sounds good," and with that she's back in the room again.

Ava is now in front of their desk, back turned to her. She slowly walks to the taller girl, placing her hand on Ava's arm. The tall blonde flinches slightly at the unexpected contact.

"Oh, sorry!" the tall blonde apologises, embarrassed at her own reaction. "You're really sneaky. Are you secretly a ninja or something?"

Sara smirks at her quip, "Maybe," bumping her shoulder into Ava's. Ava chuckles before bringing Sara's attention to what she's spreading on the desk.

The small blonde's eyes light up, "Are those?" she doesn't even finish, quickly grabbing one of the photographs. She smiles, tracing her thumb on the silliest picture of them.

"Hey, careful! Don't touch the picture like that!" Ava complains, taking it from her hands.

Sara looks at her confused, "What? Why?"

"Because it will get all greased up!" Ava explains, examining the photograph in the light.

Sara crosses her arms, eyebrows raised, "Are you saying my fingers are greasy? I do wash my hands fairly often, you know?"

Ava chuckles at that, "Fairly often? Well that certainly leaves me more relieved."

Sara pokes her on the side this time, "Oh shut up!" she laughs at the way Ava tries to squirm away from her.

Ava grabs her hand, holding it away from her. "Sorry, sorry! I was just teasing you," she admits, releasing the small blonde from her grip. "And I wasn't implying your fingers are greasy, specifically. I meant in general, human beings sweat and their hands are always filled with germs. You shouldn't touch a photograph like that because it might get stained with your fingerprints."

Sara is now shaking her head, a lopsided smile on her face.

"What? Why are you smiling?" Ava asks, eyebrows furrowed.

"You, Ava Sharpe," Sara starts, fond smile breaking on her face, "are something else."

Ava blushes profusely, looking down to try and hide it, failing miserably at it.

Sara notices it and decides to take pity on her, making herself busy with checking the rest of the pictures.

"Wow Ava, look at this one. You look so beautiful."

Ava shakes her head, snorting at the compliment, "No I don't."

Sara frowns at her, "You're kidding me right? Look at these eyes, and your hair. You totally have mermaid hair."

Ava keeps shaking her head, "You're just being nice," she says, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, "But you don't have to. I know I'm nothing special."

Sara places the picture down on the desk, turning her whole body to face Ava. She ponders on whether she should press on the matter or not, because her roommate seems to really have her mind set on how she looks, but in the end she decides it's best to let it out.

"I am not being nice. I don't make compliments just for the sake of it. If I say you look beautiful, then it's because it's the truth."

The corner of Ava's lips twitch, almost as if a smile is trying to make an appearance, but she's forbidding it from happening. She takes a quick side glance at Sara, before her eyes fall on the pictures once more.

This doesn't go unnoticed by Sara, who asks Ava to face her. Ava does, with plenty of effort, but in a couple of seconds she's facing Sara.

She crosses her arms in an attempt to shield and comfort herself from whatever is coming out of Sara next.

"I'm sorry if someone in your past made you feel like you're anything short of amazing. But they were wrong," Sara says confidently, making Ava stare directly at her, eyes slightly wide in surprise.

"And I know I'm probably crossing a line here, because we only met a week ago, but in this short time I could already tell how funny and intelligent you are. And most importantly, how kind you are."

While she's talking, Sara feels herself starting to blush due to her honesty, as well as being afraid of maybe pushing the boundaries between them both. She clears her throat before adding, "So I guess what I'm trying to say here is, I think you're pretty great."

As she looks at Ava again, she can see a smile on her face, which makes her feel relieved. It seems I might have made up for the almost kissing fuck up.

"Thank you Sara," Ava tells her, voice breaking a little. "Can I… Can I hug you?"

Sara blinks for a couple of seconds, not expecting the question. She shakes herself out of it, nodding. "Yeah- Yes, of course!" she says, opening her arms. A smile breaks on her face as Ava steps closer, long arms hugging Sara closer to herself.

As they separate, Sara turns to the pictures once more. "So can I keep some of these?"

"Of course! Feel free to choose. I can always print them again." Ava smiles reassuringly at her.

"Okay, awesome!" Sara says, picking up two of them and pinning them on the cork board above their desk. She steps back, admiring her work. "What do you think?"

"I like it," Ava nods, a small smile on her face.

"Good," Sara's phone goes off, signaling a new text. She grabs it, quickly reading through it. Once she's done, she addresses her roommate again.

"It was Zari. We were thinking of going out to that Diner on Friday night. They're having an all you can eat special event. Do you wanna come?"

Ava's anxiety promptly starts to rear its ugly head, and she quickly tries to shut down the annoying voices in her head. She swallows, her throat starting to go dry.

"Uh… Yeah, maybe. It depends, if I have a lot of homework or not."

Sara pouts, putting on her best puppy dog eyes, "Aw, come on! It will be fun! You can't pass on the opportunity to see Zari win the event."

Ava chuckles, "How can you be so sure she's going to win?"

"Ahah! You've clearly never seen her in action." Sara clasps her hands together, pleading, "C'mon Aves, I promise it's going to be fun!"

The tall blonde scratches the back of her neck, her anxiety getting worse by the minute. "It really will depend… I'll let you know later in the week, okay?"

Sara gives up on insisting, not wanting to pressure her roommate too much. "Alright… But I'm counting on it!"

Ava nods, a tight-lipped smile on her face. "Who else would be coming?"

"Well, Amaya is coming obviously. Oh! You could invite Nora as well!"

At the mention of her cousin, Ava felt herself relax, a wave of relief washing over her. "Yes, that sounds good. I will talk to her and let you know."

Friday Night - At The Diner

Ava ended up not having any emergent homework or papers she had to work on, so she had absolutely no excuses she could come up with to skip going to the Diner. In addition to that, Nora immediately accepted the invitation with pure glee, and Ava wouldn't be the one to ruin her cousin's happiness and chance to go out like normal college students do.

That's how Ava found herself walking to the restaurant with Sara and Nora, in order to meet the other two girls there.

As they walk through the door, Sara quickly spots her friends in one of the booths by the far left corner. She greets them as she sits in front of Amaya, scooting over and patting the seat next to her as she looks up at Ava. Instead of sitting down, the tall blonde motions for her cousin to take the seat, while she sits on a chair at the end of the table.

Sara frowns at it, but quickly shakes it off by turning her attention to her best friends. "This is Nora, Ava's cousin." The couple introduces themselves to Nora.

"Are we late?" Sara asks afterwards.

"Yes."

"No." Amaya corrects Zari, turning to her girlfriend afterwards and giving her a peck on the cheek. "Don't mind Z, you know how grumpy she gets when she hasn't eaten for a while."

Sara laughs at that, "Yes, I am well aware. The event must be starting, no?"

Zari checks her watch, "Five more minutes."

Meanwhile, Ava is busy looking around. She can see that all the tables are occupied with several people, probably contestants like Zari, and she can barely hear herself thinking with all the noise around them. Clearly different from the previous times I was here. It's alright Ava, you just have to focus on something else. Don't think too much, just distract yourself. Look at the people you're with.

Her leg is now bouncing, a futile attempt in keeping her anxiety under control. She decides to follow her own advice and her eyes immediately land on Sara. She looks beautiful. Her hair must be so soft to the touch. And she looks so hot in that sweater. Wow! What… She quickly snaps herself out of her current train of thought, shocked at herself. She's so busy clenching her jaw and trying to keep her breathing even that she doesn't even hear Nora calling her name. A hand on her arm brings her back.

"Ava!"

She snaps her head to her cousin, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights. She takes a quick glance around the table, feeling all eyes on her. I don't like this. It's too loud. Too much. It's too hot in here. I've got to bolt. I've got to go. I need to go.

Nora asks her once more, "Ava, are you okay?" worry all over her face as she rubs gentle circles on her cousin's arm.

It hits Ava suddenly, an unpleasant shiver from head to toe. A simple thought prompts it, "What if it happens all over again?"

And then it's set. Her heart rate spikes, her throat constricts, nausea settles in the pit of her stomach.

Stay or flee? Stay or flee? Stay or flee?

She looks around, quickly jumping from one face to another. Amaya, Zari, Sara. All new people in her life, all perfect strangers. She turns to her left, to the only people who has known her the longest. But does Nora really know her at all? Will Nora stay when it starts to get harder? Will all the others want to hang out with her when she freaks out at a party or any other social gathering?

Not knowing those answers is too much, trying to find them out is too much.

Flee. Flee before it's too late. Run.

She gets up, excusing herself to the bathroom.

Nora grabs her wrist, meant to sooth but it only burns.

"Do you need me to come with?" she asks, but to Ava's ears it falls deaf.

She shakes her head, quickly walking away from the table. She pushes the door open to the woman's bathroom, quickly finding an empty stall. She barely has time to lock the door behind her before lifting the toilet lid, throwing up.

"Fuck…" she mutters, before she is throwing up again. She wipes her mouth on the back of her hand and flushes, before her body gives up on her. She ends up sliding to the floor, back against the stall wall. She brings her knees up, resting her head against them as the first tears start to flow. Trying her best to focus on keeping quiet, she barely hears the door open and someone else's footsteps echoing against the floor tiles.

"Ava?" Nora's voice calls, filled with concern, "Are you here?"

Ava bites down hard on her lip, trying to control her sobbing. She takes a deep breath, but her voice comes out shaky and broken. "Yeah… I'm here."

Nora moves to stand in front of the stall her cousin is in. "Can I come in?" she asks tentatively, noticing how small Ava's voice sounds.

Ava feels nausea settling in again at the prospect of Nora seeing the state she is in. As if she can sense it, the brunette speaks again. "Or not. It's okay, I don't need to come in. I just wanted you to know that I am here, okay? And I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to, I promise. So just, tell me what you need and I will do it."

A couple of minutes go by without any reply from Ava, and then suddenly she is opening the door.

As promised, Nora was right there for her. There's an understanding smile on her face as Ava looks at her apologetically.

"I just… I needed to…" she tries to explain what happened, but her mind fails her. The panic attack has taken a toll on her. Her body is still shaking and there's a headache making its way.

Nora shakes her head, once again resting a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to explain it. We can talk about this later, if you still want to."

Ava opens and closes her mouth, a bit amazed at how well her cousin is dealing with the situation. She nods, "Okay. Thank you."

"Do you feel alright to go back out there?" Nora asks but before Ava can respond, they notice the door opening and Sara coming in.

"Ava! What happened? Are you okay?" the smaller blonde asks, a frown on her face.

Ava looks away, clenching her jaw as she nods. She tries her best not to give anything away.

Sara takes a step closer to her, tilting her head to Ava's level.

"Are you sure? You don't look so good..."

Nora notices how her cousin is getting upset again and decides to intervene, standing at Ava's side.

"She must have eaten something bad. I was just about to take her back to the dorms."

Sara's frown slightly disappears at the information. "Oh, okay. Let's go then."

Ava quickly snaps back into reality, "No!" she notices the look on Sara's face at her brusque tone and clears her throat, lowering her voice. "I mean, there's no need to. Stay, enjoy the night," she explains, averting her gaze to the floor.

Sara's gut still tells her that something is wrong, but she decides to let it go. "Okay, I'll see you later. Text me if you need anything."

Ava nods, still averting her eyes from Sara's worried gaze. The small blonde eventually leaves, leaving Nora and Ava alone again.

Nora crosses her arms, leaning against the sink, "So I take it Sara doesn't know about your anxiety?"

Ava shakes her head, "No. I didn't tell her. We just met, I don't want her to think I'm a freak or a loser."

"What- Ava, having an anxiety disorder doesn't make you any of those things."

Ava sighs, too tired to have that kind of conversation. "Can we just go back to the dorm? I just want to crawl into bed and sleep this off."

"Yeah, of course. Let's go."

Sara returns to the dorm a couple of hours after. She smiles at seeing Nora and Ava cuddled up in bed watching something on Ava's laptop.

"Hey, I'm back," she announces softly, almost as if afraid of messing with the calm environment in the room.

Nora looks up, smiling back at her. Ava looks up as well, which only lasts for a fraction of a second as she's filled with shame.

Sara keeps her eyes on the tall blonde, even after she catches her looking away from her. A frown makes its way slowly to her features, not going unnoticed by Nora.

The brunette clears her throat, sitting upright and moving the laptop away from where it sat on her lap. She stands up, turning to her cousin. "I should go now."

"Already?" a small hint of panic can be heard on Ava's voice.

Nora looks down at her softly. "Yes, I have an early class tomorrow. But it's fine Ava," she says before looking at Sara, "Sara is here now, so I'm sure you're in very good hands."

"Besides, I'm right upstairs. If you need anything just text or call me, okay?"

Ava nods at her, "Okay. Thank you for staying with me."

"Of course, anytime," Nora walks closer, embracing Ava in a tight hug. "Have a goodnight and see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Sara," she says on the way out, smiling softly at the small blonde. Sara thanks her and wishes the same to her, closing the door afterwards.

Nora leaves behind a silence. A heavy, uncomfortable silence, that almost squeezes out the few remains of energy Ava still has left.

Sara sits down on her own bed, playing with her fingers for a while. She opens her mouth a couple of times, finding it hard to say something. Debating if she should say something at all.

"I know I acted weird tonight." Ava ends up breaking the silence for her.

Sara looks up, taken aback but thankful that her roommate decided to be the one mentioning the incident. She doesn't say anything, giving Ava the time and space needed to keep going.

Ava takes a deep breath, hands on her lap. "I… I know I acted weird. I didn't mean to, it all happened so fast. I was fine, and then I wasn't. And I'm so sorry I left, I'm sorry if I ruined the night for you and Zari and Amaya! But I just, I couldn't control it, and then… I really tried but I couldn't. I'm so sorry!"

Sara notices how quickly she is starting to spiral and immediately makes her way over to Ava's bed. She cups her face, making Ava look at her. "Hey, hey… It's okay," she reassures, gently stroking her cheeks. "You don't have to apologise. You didn't ruin anything."

Ava takes a hold of Sara's wrists, clenching her jaw to keep her tears at bay as she tries to avoid another meltdown. "So you're not mad at me?"

Sara smiles softly, trying to make her feel better. "Of course not. It's not your fault if you weren't feeling well enough to stay. It could have happened to any of us."

Ava shuts her eyes at that, shaking her head as she pulls Sara's hands off of her. "No, you don't understand!" she tells her, raising her voice. She runs a hand through her hair roughly, bringing her knees to her chest. "I had a panic attack…" Ava whispers in such a low voice that Sara can only hear it because of how close they are to one another.

The small blonde's mouth goes ajar. "Oh…"

Ava lets her head drop to her knees, as she tries to avoid facing the other girl.

Sara's stubbornness, however, doesn't let her go that easy. There's no way she's going to let her roommate/new friend wallow in suffering. She moves closer until their bodies are touching. When Ava doesn't move away from her, she takes it as a good sign to continue.

"Aves, I can see how this is very hard on you, but I'm here. Staying in silence won't do you any good, so please talk to me."

She feels Ava taking a deep breath before she turns to look at her. Sara is caught by surprise at how tired she looks. Still beautiful, but oh so tired and sad.

Sara can't resist reaching out to brush Ava's hair away from her face, letting her hand linger in place to offer some sort of comfort.

Ava lets go of her knees in favor of stretching her legs, shivering at the action. She feels sore and sluggish everywhere. All she wants is to succumb into a deep slumber. But she can't, not right now. Not when she has Sara willing to make her feel better by listening to her.

She clears her throat, looking down at her lap. "I have had an anxiety disorder ever since I was a little kid. Usually, I can go through the day without feeling too bad. But sometimes, when I have to socialize or when there's a major event happening, it gets worse. I have more trouble controlling my anxiety and end up having a panic attack."

Sara nods, giving her undivided attention to every new piece of information. "So today, it happened because there were a lot of people at the diner?"

"In part, yes. It was also because of all the new things I'm going through. Starting college, meeting new people."

She notices how Sara frowns at the last part and is quick to elaborate. "The problem isn't you and your friends, Sara. You are all amazing people who have made me feel welcomed from the very beginning. But I do have trouble meeting new people, because I'm always scared that they're going to get fed up with me because of my… Problems."

"I see. Has that happened before?" Sara asks tentatively, trying not to hit a nerve.

Ava looks up, nodding at her. "Yeah… In highschool. My friends stopped hanging out with me because I started having those kinds of issues more often. They simply didn't understand what I was going through, so I guess it was easier to just cut me out of their lives."

"Well they were a bunch of dickheads if you ask me."

Ava chuckled, and Sara's heart fluttered at the notion of being the culprit of it.

"I can't really blame them. Who would want a friend who isn't able to go out with them, anyway…"

The small blonde frowns at that. "Ava, listen to me. Yes, you can blame them."

Ava was about to interrupt but Sara's raised hand shut her up. "Please let me finish." At the tall blonde's nod, Sara keeps going. "You can blame them. If they were really your friends, they would accept you as you are. Anxiety or no anxiety. I'm sorry they made you feel like it was your fault, but I need you to understand that it wasn't. I also need you to understand that I will never, ever, get mad at you because of a panic attack. In fact, if you feel like one is approaching, all you have to do is give me a signal and I will get you out of the situation. Whatever I can do to help, I will do it. Got it?"

Sara's voice stays so firm and reassuring throughout the whole speech, that Ava's doubts are easily cleared away. She nods vehemently, feeling tears pool in her eyes for the thousandth time that day. But this once, for a good reason.

"Thank you, Sara. Thank you so much," she rasps out, placing her head on Sara's chest as the latter's arm wraps around her shoulders protectively.

She kisses the top of Ava's head, letting out a sigh before whispering against her hair, "You're welcome."