The office had no signs of Lee. McCoy shook his head and issued a privacy mode. In theory, he knew how to deal with such outbursts. He knew the techniques and the tactics. He also knew that emotionally compromised doctors shouldn't treat any patients, let alone the ones who the doctors hold dear.
The wall comm. beeped and McCoy knew who was calling.
"McCoy," he snapped.
"Bones! What the fuck is going on?" Jim's voice was full of worry, "Alcantar just said our guest's destroyed sickbay."
"Just broke some glasses, not a big deal. It was just a little misunderstanding."
"A little misunderstanding?" Jim's voice sounded angry now, "She is dangerous!"
"She is emotionally unstable and I'm going to sort this out if you don't mind. McCoy out."
He ended the connection and looked around. So it was hide-and-seek, very well. A typical behavior of someone who'd got themselves hurt and now was hiding from every possible danger that their mind was able to come up with.
He didn't have to play for long, though, as he found his patient in the far corner of the office. Lee sat on the floor, fit a small space between a couch and a wall, and seemed totally insane. She looked as small and young as ever, and at the back of his mind, McCoy once again wondered how on earth a twenty-six old woman could make an impression of a sixteen-year-old teenager.
McCoy sighed. Time to face the music.
"Hey girl, it's me, okay? Mind if I come closer?"
She didn't respond, busy with rocking back and forth and breathing heavily. McCoy came closer and tried to reach for her. He didn't think it was possible to make herself even smaller, but she managed just that. She flinched from his touch, desperately trying to penetrate the wall.
"Okay, okay," he pulled his hand back. "No touching. I'll just sit here, alright? I won't touch you, I promise."
She looked at him and his breath hitched. He saw abyss. Black, endless holes with raw fear, agony, and pain. Dear God, what had he done?
Lee was hyperventilating, her breath coming in uneven, shaky pants. She was thrashing violently and didn't seem to recognize him.
A panic attack. Damn, if she didn't calm down soon, with such an unstable heart like hers she'd have a heart attack. He had to act fast.
He kneeled in front of her within arm's reach, earning himself a wince away.
"Okay, girl, I need you to listen to me," McCoy said softly. "You are breathing very fast. You have to stop doing this or you'll pass out."
She closed her eyes, keeping on her shallow breathing and shaking.
"Look at me, darling, I need you to look at me. Please."
She obeyed and he met this haunted look again.
"Good girl. Now focus on my voice. Let's breathe together, okay? Breathe in, breathe out, in, out…"
He kept on talking to her, breathing with her, and slowly, gradually, she resumed a slightly normal way of inhaling air. She stopped thrashing and the fear in her eyes was fading away.
"That's it, keep on breathing," McCoy was saying, slightly shaking himself. "You are doing great, just keep on. Breathe in, breathe out, you can do this."
She was calming down, he could see it, but her panic might return. So he went on.
"I'm here and I won't hurt you," he assured, holding her gaze. "I won't let anyone hurt you. You are safe, everything is fine, I swear. No one's gonna hurt you anymore."
She was breathing deeply now, and green color was returning to her eyes, replacing pinched-black one. Then he saw what he craved to see for many minutes - recognition. She recognized him finally. There was a question if she trusted him, though.
"Leo," her voice was nearly audible, but it was there. She was calling for him.
He smiled at her, relief flooded all his senses.
"Yes, it's me."
"Leo," she said loudly.
"I'm here, girl. I'm sorry it all happened to you, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you, never wanted to. Please, forgive me. I will never do it again."
He was rambling, but he didn't care. She was with him again, and it was all that matters.
She whimpered and rushed to him, landing in his arms and clutching at him with a death grip. He held her close, putting her on his lap. She was crying hysterically, but it was so much better than a silent panic in the corner on the floor.
He was rocking them both, whispering soothing nonsense and rubbing her back. His shoulder that earlier was bumped with a box and that Lee chose to hide her face in was giving him hell, but McCoy ignored it. Their embrace was tight, tighter than he ever experienced, but it was okay. Until she allowed him to touch her, it was fine.
Eventually, she calmed down, and now only the sound of her heavy breath interrupted the silence.
"I'm sorry," she suddenly whispered. "Fuck, Leo, I'm sorry."
He stared at her bewilderingly.
"Sorry for what exactly? I was the one who threw you at the damn shelf. I shouldn't be so rude. I am the one to blame."
Lee shook her head and McCoy's shoulder screamed in protest. He held her closer.
"I had absolutely no right to freak out like that. You didn't mean it, it was an accident. And I turned on a complete bitch and destroyed your department. I'm sorry, I really am."
McCoy couldn't believe it. She was actually apologizing.
Unbelievable.
He sighed and removed a white string of her hair from her face.
"You had a panic attack, you couldn't help it. It was me who caused it. I won't let this happen again."
She said nothing. Instead, she hid into his shoulder one more time and hugged him tighter.
McCoy said he won't let anyone hurt her and he meant it. He would do everything in his power to make her safe because he was probably the only person who knew exactly how fragile she was. So he hugged her back and buried his face in her hair.
They sat like this for eternity, clutching at each other for dear life. Time and space disappeared and left them in a deep void without anyone or anything that could possibly separate them.
When the first eternity ended and the second began, Lee shifted and made McCoy look at her. He saw a spark of her usual playfulness and thanked God for this change.
"Look," she said in an almost normal tone. "I know I'm on a diet and all… But is there a possibility of you giving me something stronger than water?"
He chuckled. "You are indeed. But as you're a good girl… I'll see what can be done."
He lifted her up and put her on the couch.
"Wait here, I'll find you something."
This something was a good old Jack Daniels, which he poured generously in two glasses. As a doctor, he understood that he shouldn't be doing this. But as a human being and a drinker himself, he knew the power of alcohol. This is why he allowed his doctor instincts to be silent for a while and just be her friend, not her physician. So he gave her the glass which she emptied in one gulp. It remembered him of the night they met.
"I'm so fucked up," she announced with a weak smile. "Can I have more?"
McCoy poured her more of the good stuff, lowered himself on the couch and said "We all are fucked up, Lee. Show me a person who is not, and I show you the rarest creature in the universe. We all have demons, and this is the only thing that is normal."
She huffed, leaned back at the wall and smiled warmly at him. God bless that smile.
"I think I should help you to clean up this mess," she gestured at the ravaged office.
"You definitely should. I like those hypos, you know," he nodded at the objects in question, spread all over the floor.
She smirked. "I bet you do."
"But first, we have to clean you up," he continued. "You look like crap."
She shrugged and he stood.
"Promise me to behave the next five minutes. I"ll go get a skin regenerator to fix those up," he gestured at her arms covered in blue and yellow bruises - the consequence of the encounter with the Enterprise security. She looked at her arms and frowned.
"You have my word."
He gave her a reassuring smile and exited the office. Sickbay was clean again, his staff on their places, all doing their usual work. They stopped it the second he crossed the entrance, so all their eyes were on him. McCoy scowled and strode to the cupboard with skin regenerators.
"Sir," his head nurse appeared from nowhere and blocked him from the desired destination. "The Capitan has been here. He tried to call you, but you muted your comm., so he left and asked you to contact him as soon as possible."
McCoy didn't fight that irritation that crept onto his face.
"Thanks, nurse. I'll contact him."
He probably should do it now, McCoy thought. Sooner or later, he had to answer for Lee's stunts. There's no running away.
He snatched his personal comm. and, ignoring the patients' and personnel's looks, called Jim.
He was greeted with a half-annoyed, half-relieved snarl.
"Bones! You're alive!"
"Of course I am. It just took time to calm her down."
He turned his back to the rest of sickbay and went on in a much lower tone. "Look, I have just caused a horrible panic attack and I don't want it to repeat. So give me some time with her, alright?"
Jim sighed.
"Alright, you've got it. But do not let this happen again or I promise, I'll lock her up. I have to take care of the crew, you know that."
He grimaced but agreed to these terms. Then Jim ended the connection and McCoy turned to skin regenerators. It was time to patch up this crazy woman again.
McCoy found Lee at the same place and the same position that he left her. When he came closer, she raised her head, smiled, and he forgot how to breathe. He missed this smile. God, he missed this light emitting from her only for him.
"How do you feel?" he asked, taking her face and inspecting cuts and scratches.
"Fine, actually," she replied, looking, in fact, pretty okay.
"It can't be said about your outfit," he noticed just now how torn her robe was.
She gave him a sheepish look.
"Yeah, I guess I need a new dress."
He would have to leave her again to get her a new robe.
Fuck it, he'll do it later.
"You'll get your shopping tomorrow. I'll give you something to wear in the meantime."
When McCoy first became a CMO, he wasted a lot of time running between his quarters and sickbay. As time passed and it became clear that nobody was going to replace him on this position, he made his own adjustments. Now his office could be used as an actual living place. This place included a shower, which, in turn, made him bring here some clothes to change. This clothes he was going to give Lee now.
"There," he dropped his shorts and T-shirt in front of her. "Change into this."
She beamed at him and took her shattered robe off immediately, without even giving him an opportunity to turn around. And when he saw her naked, he couldn't take his gaze away.
Mainly because he observed some huge, gruesome bruises on her skin. The places of contact with security officers' hands. He looked at her and did his best to stay calm because what he really wanted was to go out and find someone who did this to her.
"Okay," he finally found his voice again, "Let's fix this. You can get dressed a little if you're uncomfortable."
"Nah, it's okay," her smile wasn't innocent now, but sex was the last thing in his mind now. So he set skin regenerator to work.
"Turn around," he ordered, and when she did, he had to suppress a gasp.
He saw the wound that appeared on her body because of him. One bad blue bruise with some nasty cuts with blood on it.
"It wasn't your fault," she said quietly.
"Like hell it wasn't." Guilt washed over him. He'd never be that carefree with her again.
He finished his work and told her to dress up, which she did quite reluctantly.
"You know, this is the first time I am ordered to get dressed, not undressed," she smirked and the next second almost visibly bit her tongue, "Never mind."
He stared at her in shock, taking in all that this confession implied. She obviously took a defensive stance, ready to retort any of his comments. He sighed and thought that he probably wouldn't want to talk about it either.
So he let it slip.
"It looks good on you," he said instead and she relaxed.
"It feels good too. It smells like you."
And he was blushing again. She shook her head in amusement.
"Now it's your turn to take your clothes off," she stated.
He raised his eyebrow. "What?"
"I must have beaten you pretty badly. You patched me up. Let me return the favor."
He rolled his eyes.
"So now you're a doctor."
"I know how to use this thing," she nodded at the regenerator with a smile.
"Read about it?"
"Maybe," she was clearly having fun, "Now, move. Let's take a look."
McCoy considered the situation. She did bash him qualitatively and the outcomes of it were going to bother him very soon. Besides, he didn't want to go to any other medic. So he shrugged and obeyed. Lee's eyes widened when she saw his bare skin.
"Oh, damn."
She touched his chest and he fought back a hiss of pain. Her aim was indeed perfect and it was now evident in the black and blue colors at his upper body.
"Sorry", she jerked her hand away, looking as guilty as he had probably looked a minute ago, and began her treatment.
She was surprisingly good at it. But he had yet to discover what she did on not an excellent level. She proceeded to the cuts on his face and sealed them too. Then she put the regenerator down and return both her hands on his cheeks. Her face was so close now, and all the attraction that he felt for her and that was pushed away for a while, returned.
"Leo," she exhaled and he shivered. The expression in her eyes ordered him to kiss her and was almost impossible to fight.
But it wasn't the right time. He really shouldn't take advantage of her extremely vulnerable state. What is more important, she didn't need it too. She just wasn't aware of that yet.
McCoy closed his eyes and leaned just a little closer to make their foreheads touch.
"We shouldn't do this now, Lee," he made himself say.
He didn't need to see her to know that she rolled her eyes.
"This is stupid," she asserted, "It's like back in the bar. We should do it if we want. That's simple."
He reached for her cheek and caressed it without opening his eyes.
"Let's make a deal. If tomorrow you are still in a mood to do it, we'll do it."
She backed away and laughed, receiving a puzzled look from him.
"Oh my goodness, you men are so stupid… It's ridiculous sometimes, really." Her laughs died, but the amusement stayed. "You've got your deal."
She placed her palm on his chest and traced it down his abdomen. This was maddening and she was doing it on purpose, but he managed to maintain his self-control.
"Now, you need to feed me," she claimed.
McCoy blinked. He expected anything but this request. She laughed again.
"I'm hungry. Do you have anything that can fix this? Preferably tasty, not this usual crap I am forced to eat."
He snored and put his shirt back on.
"You deviated from your diet pretty badly today, miss."
She huffed.
"Just give me something or I will starve to death in the next five minutes."
"Hold on for the next ten, and you won't be disappointed."
He approached a food-replicator and concluded that he'd broken too many resolutions and rules already today, so another one wouldn't hurt. This is why instead of oatmeal he ordered ten pancakes with strawberry jam that Lee for some reason wasn't allergic to.
"Tea or coffee?" he asked.
"Tea. And make that two. You drink too much caffeine. It's not very healthy, you know," she asserted in edifying voice.
"Don't tell me what is healthy and what is not. I'm the doctor here."
She giggled and he decided that he would never be tired of this sweet sound.
"Sometimes you act like a toddler, not like an M.D."
He shrugged but ordered two cups of tea.
When he put pancakes in front of her, her eyes slightly widened.
"Oh my God," she took one and ate it in three big bites. "Oh my God," she repeated and consumed another with the same dedication. "I haven't had it for ages."
He grinned. "Homemade recipe. Jim is fond of them too. This is why he programmed it to the replicator."
"This is how paradise must be tasted," she moaned and took the fourth pancake.
He laughed at her and joined her on the couch. As it turned out, ten pancakes weren't enough, and they made ten more to satisfy their hunger. They chatted about nothing and it was so relaxing and natural he almost forgot about her previous emotional breakout.
Talking with her was fun. She was an intelligent, obviously highly-educated woman who seemed to know practically everything. They laughed and argued and made amends, and McCoy decided that spending time like this was something they both needed. Just some unimportant conversation with nothing underneath the words, without second-guessing and searching for deep meaning. Just Lee, McCoy and a heated scientific discussion about the possibility of Admiral Komack being a vampire.
"Were you surprised?" she suddenly asked.
"Surprised about what?"
Their conversation slowed down a bit, a consequence of too many eaten pancakes.
"To know that I'm a virgin," she clarified after a moment of hesitation.
He paused before replying. He was leaning heavily on the couch and thought about this in a more relaxed way than he did previously.
"Maybe a little," he finally said, "But you were so adamant about no one touching you, so I guess it wasn't a big surprise."
Lee was quiet for a while.
"You can touch me," she said after a long pause.
The significance of this confession hit him even in this dazed state. She looked a little bit uneasy, so unlike her usual confidence around him.
At this moment he finally admitted that he indeed loved her. Christ, he really loved her, especially when she was so insecure and vulnerable.
"Yes," he smiled and lifted his hand to caress her face, "I guess I can."
She leaned into the touch, radiating happiness like the sun was radiating heat. It was warm, comforting, and it melted some coldness and loneliness inside him. The three words that described his feelings well were already on his lips when she yawned and stretched. He bit his tongue and frowned.
"Tired?"
"Yeah, a little. I guess I have to go to my bed," she said reluctantly.
He regarded her and understood perfectly clear that there is no way he was letting her go now.
"No," he stated, "You are staying here."
McCoy got up to get her a blanket and a pillow. When he turned around, he saw tears in her eyes. He was beside her instantly.
"What's up, girl?" he demanded, wiping tears that were streaming down her cheeks, "If you don't wanna stay, I'll…"
She interrupted him with a hard hug.
"No," she whispered into his neck, "I want to stay. I just… It was just nice to hear you saying that."
He took her into a tight embrace and planted a small kiss on the top of her crazy head. She inhaled sharply when he did that and almost crushed him with her grip.
He wondered if the words would ever be able to describe what was happening between them. A simple 'I love you' seemed fake and lame to him now. 'I love you' would definitely not be able to express everything that he felt in this moment. And 'I love you' wasn't needed. They'd already confessed their love today through simple gestures, touches, and words that acquired a new meaning just because it was they who voiced those words. Love was vibrating between them in sync with the beating of their hearts, celebrating an unannounced union.
When later they were falling asleep in each other's arms, McCoy decided that he'd never felt so much bliss inside him. And whatever happens next, this moment would always stay with him. No matter what.