Hi, me again! HUDSON46, thank you for giving your feedback; the story will be completed, don't you worry. And again, thank you all for your reviews, they warm my heart.
This chapter is kind of transitional, but one important thing happens here. We'll get to more drama in the next chapter.
As always, beta-read by JularaVon. Thank you for helping me with the story.
The cold air of the morgue made McCoy shiver as he stood in front of two lifeless bodies, the unfortunate bastards who had been unlucky enough to get in Lee's way two days prior.
Stab wounds were not the leading cause of death in the twenty-third century. People nowadays preferred phasers or poison, or weapons of mass destruction. No one used sharp objects in a fight anymore, but the woman they picked up at Tari had nothing to do with normality. She could use sharp objects alright.
She definitely knew where to hit. The two pirates McCoy was looking at had been killed with an exact knowledge of how to kill a man in one blow.
The first had been sliced almost in half, which was rather impressive given that Lee's dagger wasn't that big. She must have made back-and-forth moves, so it deepened the wound and hadn't allowed the Klingon to use the ability of their race to fight with one of the vital organs damaged. It was the pirate she killed in a fight. He died in minutes, and McCoy would have never had a chance to save him, even if the Doctor hadn't had his hands full of the pirates' dying leader.
The second casualty was Human. He was the one who had intended to fire at McCoy and who Lee had killed with her dagger thrown through the entire bridge. The dagger had flown twenty-five feet before hitting its target. It was a bullseye, literally. She'd hit the pirate's eye, so the dagger penetrated the brain. It was instant death.
All McCoy's experience shouted at him that this was the work of a professional killer, but he refused to listen to it. Even after seeing Lee fighting, he didn't want to believe she was something more than a cybercriminal.
McCoy sighed and turned away from the bodies.
They needed to talk to her. He needed to talk to her. Jim still wanted her to join them; McCoy suspected this wish only grew stronger after the Captain had seen her in action. McCoy didn't understand how his friend would make sure she wasn't spying on them and wasn't dangerous to keep onboard, but the kid presented a wicked smile and said he would find the way to reveal her true intentions. Jim was sure she abandoned her previous criminal career, and McCoy let it hang in the air for a while.
They needed her to wake up and tell them the truth. Otherwise, Jim wouldn't be able to see the whole picture and figure out how to deal with the situation. Before they made a move, they had to know the truth. And for that, they needed Lee awake and finally talking.
He had no idea how much time she would need to regain consciousness this time. A simple flu knocked her out for five days. Who could say how long it would take her to wake up after almost dying?
It was only two days since that fight on the bridge. They dealt with the aftermath of the pirates' invasion pretty quickly. Thanks to Lee, no one had gotten seriously hurt, there were just a couple of concussions and several bruises. Even Kervaz was alright, his head wound properly treated.
McCoy left the morgue and made his way to the patients they still had in sickbay. He walked past the ward where Lee was lying, resisting the urge to come in and check on her. He'd done it four times today, and it was more than enough for now. Instead, he marched to the two nurses arguing with a girl in a red shirt. McCoy was preparing a long lecture containing his extensive medical knowledge and the explanation of why the security officer wasn't allowed to leave sickbay just yet when his comm beeped.
McCoy looked at the notification. Then he turned on his heels and without giving a damn about what people in the room might think of him, he ran to the ward where the woman he loved was regaining consciousness.
Lee looked horrible. His trained eyes wouldn't miss her unnaturally pale skin, exhaustion on her face and more prominently obvious underweight. But her eyes shone as they usually did, and her smile was the same she gave him when she wasn't mad at him. And he admired her again like he always did.
"Wow, I'm not in a brig," were her first words. Her voice was hoarse and weak, and she frowned at the sound of it.
McCoy made himself not stare. Something huge had just dropped off his shoulders, the weight he didn't realize was there until it was gone. He blinked away tears of relief and looked through her stats.
Her condition was way better than the state she'd been in when she first appeared on the Enterprise. The next few weeks she would have to rest, but in general, she was okay now. If she avoided any heart strains, she would be fine.
"It can wait," he smiled at her.
She raised an eyebrow.
"I thought you were mad at me."
He traced a line down her cheek, and she leaned into the touch.
"I am," he replied, "But it can wait too. For now, I'm just glad you're alive."
She caught his hand and laced their fingers together.
"Two good news, that's good. But what happened? I what, passed out because of the slightest hit?"
"It wasn't the slightest hit, Lee, and it wasn't just passing out."
He explained what had happened, and she shook her head in disbelief.
"That's strange. All those times I was like a punching bag, but nothing serious ever happened."
"There's the first time for everything, girl. How do you feel?"
She shrugged.
"Dunno. A bit tired, but I don't think I'll pass out soon."
"Does anything hurt?"
"Nah."
"That's good."
An uncomfortable silence fell.
She regarded him warily, then sighed.
"Okay. We have to talk about the elephant in the room, don't we?"
He nodded but didn't reply. He should say a lot of things. First of all, he should call Jim because it was his direct order. But before Jim appeared on the scene, before anything became official, he wanted to talk to her alone. He just didn't know where to start.
"You want to say something," she stated and sat in her bed.
Her body tensed a little, but she didn't put that damn neutral mask on. Her face showed concern, she was obviously on high alert, but at least now she let him see her emotions. Finally.
If the situation depended solely on him, he would forbid any tiring activities or strong emotional outbursts. But the situation was serious, and they needed her to tell the truth as soon as possible. So he relied on the strongest meds he had dared to put into her system and begun.
"Jim offered you a place on the Enterprise."
She blinked.
"Sorry?"
"Jim thoroughly enjoyed playing 3D chess with you and he asks if you want to do it more often. In this case, you are welcome to join Starfleet and beat him as often as you can."
Lee was staring at him for several long seconds. Then she blinked again and burst into laughter that gradually grew into hysterics. She covered her face with her hands, trying to muffle herself, and soon she was shaking from suppressed giggles.
It wasn't the reaction McCoy expected.
"What's so funny?" he asked, feeling slightly offended.
She shook her head without taking her hands off her face, still not being able to stop. Then she gave up on being quiet, threw her head back and laughed in full voice. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she was trying to calm down.
"Sorry," she groaned, wiping tears from her face, "Don't take it personally, but seriously, it's just so hilarious."
"But why?" he tried to hold back the annoyance in his voice but didn't succeed.
"It's just," she shook her head, "Me, in Starfleet… God, it's so absurd I can't even consider it an actual offer."
He frowned. It wasn't the answer he'd expected. He thought she would be happy to know they'd have a chance to be together. Or she would take her eyes away and politely decline, and in this case, he would know that their relationships wasn't too important for her to change her life so drastically. But this… This was strange.
Her hysterics stopped as abruptly as it had started.
"But why?" she demanded, now deadly serious.
"Why what?"
"He's just seen me bringing pirates on his ship and negotiating with slave traders, not to forget breaking into the ship's systems and making myself familiar with classified information. And after that, instead of throwing me into the brig, he offers me a place on his ship. Don't you think it's a slightly unexpected offer?"
"That's Jim Kirk for you. He thinks you are good and that maybe you would want to join us. And you helped us, so why not?"
She tilted her head, and her face closed off.
"Why would I want that?"
This question was surely not what he'd expected to hear.
"But, but…"
He didn't know what exactly he wanted to say. This was an opportunity for them to be together, and if she deliberately refused to see the offer for what it was, maybe she wasn't that interested in him as he thought.
"But what?" she asked again in an emotionless voice.
He took a deep breath.
"I thought you'd want to stay with me," he muttered and winced at the sound of these words said out loud.
She gave him a long look that betrayed nothing.
"What does it do?" she pointed at the IV connected to her arm.
No, she would never stop surprising him. What the IV had to do with this?
"Delivers a mix of meds to your body," he replied automatically.
"Is it vital?"
"What a stupid question? It helps you to heal."
"It's not then," she stated and pulled the IV out of her vein. She did the same with all IVs connected to her body. The screen of her biobed and his comm. chimed synchronically, signaling of the change.
"What the hell are you doing?" he roared, but she was already out of the bed, stomping past him.
"I'm not having this conversation when I'm bedridden and pathetic," she snapped, pausing at the doorway, "We'll talk in your office."
She stepped out of the room.
It took him several seconds to process the situation. When he finally stormed out of the ward, she was about to enter the office.
"You! Come back to bed now!" he bellowed, but she paid him no attention and passed through the entrance. The door slid shut behind her.
"For the love of God!" he yelled at the door, covering the distance to it with long strides.
He felt several curious glances, but mostly, people ignored the scene. They must have got used to it, he thought grimly, entering the room.
Lee stood at his desk with her hands crossed over her chest.
She was an image to behold. It seemed like every color of her body went brighter; her pale skin turned white, her eyes changed their usual radiant green to the tone several shades darker, her hair was like a fire that a long time ago had failed to turn her to ashes, and the silvery strand was almost glowing now, being a constant reminder of what exactly she had once gone through. It was hard to look intimidating in her current state, but she managed just that, giving him a look darker than a black hole they'd once sent Nero to.
He refused to be intimidated and matched her glare.
"I'm not asking if you are insane, because you obviously are. I'm just asking why didn't you wait at least a couple of days before running around after almost dying. I've just fixed a serious heart condition. This time, you really should rest and try to be as calm as you can possibly be. Does your health mean nothing at all to you?"
She ignored his words.
"I wonder," she said with ice-cold rage in her voice, "Are you aware of how much of an asshole you actually are, or you just think it's perfectly acceptable to act as you do and don't make people want to strangle you?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" he growled, "Hell, I thought there was no head injury, but apparently, there is something. I'll get you a brain scan."
"So it's the second option," she nodded to herself, "Okay then. Time to reveal some secrets here."
She uncrossed her arms and started pacing back and forth.
"I knew you liked me from the very start, I can always tell when people like me, or want me, or whatever. I always know what people think of me. And I knew you liked me. In a not just 'I want to fuck her' way, but you actually cared. But since I've got here, you're trying your best to distance yourself from me. Your reasons are lost to me, but the thing that matters is that you obviously want me to be as far from you as possible, and at the same time you wouldn't stop looking at me like you want to take me then and there. One day you are nice, the next day you look like you regret we've ever met. And what sucks even more, you never said anything, never did anything to show that you actually, truly feel anything aside from physical attraction. I know you are a kind man to make sure I feel fine, and that you are attracted to me in some way, but aside from that, you didn't give me anything to believe that it's not just a passing affair for you. Everything I've ever got was mixed signals."
She stopped to give him a hard glare, then resumed her rotations.
"Finally, you obviously made a decision to give us a chance," her voice became more like a hiss, her pacing grew in speed, "But even after that, you didn't give me a chance. I risked my very life to save you, you and your friends, mind you, but it wasn't enough. Even when I explained why I couldn't warn you, you didn't trust me, didn't even try to do it. I was risking everything to get you out of trouble, and you weren't happy with me anyway. Nothing was ever enough for you, and you always, always acted as you are doing me a favor to be with me. And now, you have the nerve to look me in the eye and say that I should stay on this tin can because the great Jim Kirk offers me to stay and because maybe I want to stay here for you."
She threw her hands in the air.
"But why should I do that? Why should I stay for a man who doesn't even want to say 'stay with me, I want us to be together'? Why should I stay for a man who allows me to adore him with no promise to give anything back?"
She stood in front of him, and the wave of white-hot fury she emitted became palpable.
"You never give me proof you want to be seriously involved with me. Never. You know how I feel, everyone knows how I feel, but still, you keep your distance. I told you that you mean everything to me, and I proved that, but you still pushed me back. I never know where we stand and where are we going. So tell me, why should I stay? Are there any reasons I shouldn't leave, aside from the obvious Kirk's desire to swell the ranks of his science department?"
Later McCoy decided that the fact he'd let her finish was enough of a proof that he was a sane, logical, reasonable man, unlike the opinion the ship's crew had about him.
"Oh, and you were just an angel!" he exploded the second she finished her rant, "Like you were perfectly honest and transparent. I didn't even know your name, and you wouldn't tell me!"
"I was protecting you!" she shouted back, "Imagine me explaining who I am, just imagine. You would have to report on me or keep your mouth shut and commit treason. I think neither option would suit you."
"And how was I supposed to know that? You didn't give me anything!"
"You didn't either! How could I tell you anything when I didn't know for sure if you just wanted to fuck me or if there was something more behind the obvious desire to do it?"
He opened his mouth and closed it, unable to come up with a decent retort. They scowled at each other, breathing heavily. Suddenly, her expression changed from livid to concerned.
"Hold on a second, did you say 'didn't'?"
He ran his hand through his hair in exasperation.
"What? When?"
She frowned.
"About my name. You said you didn't know my name. Not don't, but didn't. It's like you know now."
He wasn't nearly as good at concealing his feelings as Lee was. And he was too mad at her to even try to hide hurricane of emotions inside him. So she didn't need to hear his answer.
"You know," she muttered, "Okay. The question is what you know."
And there went the problem of approaching the situation carefully. He sighed in resignation, his anger vanishing at the memory of the nine-year-old screaming in pain on the Tarsus plaza.
"Eileen O'Malley," he said quietly, "Presumably executed on the orders of Governor Kodos in 2246."
He expected anything from hysterical laughter to a new panic attack. But she just nodded.
"I knew eventually someone would look at that archive. And who was the genius suggested to check the Tarsus victims?"
He met her eyes. They were dark, and the indignation he didn't feel anymore was obviously still inside her.
"Me, Eileen. It was me," he replied in a low voice.
She shot him a look full of ice and hatred.
"Don't call me that!"
He resisted the urge to take a step back.
"Why? That's your real name."
She threw her head back and laughed, bitterly this time.
"Eileen O'Malley is dead, Leo. Executed at the age of nine, in public, in the most horrible way possible. Did you watch the vid?"
A little girl, thrashing in agony, flashed before him again, and he nodded. The glare she gave him made McCoy avert his eyes.
"Oh no," she spat, "Don't give me that look, don't give me your pity. I had enough of those back then, and it didn't help me a bit. So don't you dare to look at me like that. Don't you dare."
She half-sat, half-leaned on his desk and looked down, breathing deeply.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to snap like that. It wasn't your fault, so what's the point."
He looked at her and was surprised to see corners of her mouth twitched in a crooked smile.
"But seriously, Tarsus? How did you know? It was almost impossible to guess."
He shrugged.
"Your body gave you away. Only several situations might cause this state. There were no signs of radiation, and poor ecology would never change your organs like that. It only left starvation, hence famine. You are a human girl, probably born or lived in the Federation, so we almost definitely should have at least some information about you. Then, there were only two cases of famine that could affect you, Tarsus and Cerberus. I ruled out Cerberus because of your age. You are an adult. If you were there, your body wouldn't have suffered that much. Plus, you had your bones broken at an early age, and the timing was more or less the same. So there was only one option left. We looked at the archive and got our confirmation."
She nodded.
"Nice logic. Pretty impressive, if you ask me."
"Thanks."
Silence fell. McCoy couldn't help thinking about her standing and exhausting herself. After all their shouting, after the big revelation, all he wanted for her was to be safe and sound. He was a doctor. He cared not because it was his job. This job was his because he cared. Whatever was happening, all he ever wanted was his patients' good health.
"Can you do me a favor?" he ventured to ask.
She bristled.
"What do you want?" her voice was harsh again.
"Sit down. Please. Any strain on your heart is delaying your recovery."
She didn't move, just wiped all emotions out of her face. It wouldn't fool him anymore. She used this defensive mechanism only when something was too much to bear it openly. So, for whatever reason, the request brought her a lot of pain.
"There's no need for that. I'm coming back to my bed."
Even being up from her deathbed for less than an hour, she was fast. She was almost gone when he caught her arm.
"Lee, wait."
She glared at his hand, and he let go. She stepped back.
"I…"
He didn't know where to start. He didn't know what to say. He hadn't done it for ages and working things out through a conversation wasn't the skill he was good at. It was so goddamn scary to bare his soul again, but she deserved it. She deserved to know that the man she'd almost died for was as insanely in love with her as she was with him.
She was worth it.
He took a deep breath and started what he believed would be a poor-quality babble.
"I fell for you the second I saw you. I couldn't get you out of my head, can't do it now. You were beautiful, young and approachable, and it was easy to consider it an affair, nothing serious. But then I've got to know you. I realized how brilliant you are. You are wild and free, and unpredictable, and smart, and you annoy me to no end. And honestly, I don't remember when I felt so many strong emotions at the same time before. It feels good though, you feel good, and when you are with me, I feel as close to happiness as I can be at this time of my life. And at some point, at the very early stage of our… acquaintance, I realized how much better you deserve."
He blurted it out in one breath, so he had to stop to get some air into his lungs. Lee stood two steps away from him with her arms crossed over her chest. Her expression was unfathomable.
He pushed the fear of being rejected aside and went on.
"You are free but look at me. I am ten years older than you, my life belongs to Starfleet, and I don't know how to treat a woman properly. Besides… I didn't think it was serious for you. You didn't trust me, and although yes, I couldn't keep my hands away from you, it still bothered me. You can do so much better, find someone better. I'm not the best choice when it comes to serious relationships. I don't deserve you."
It pained him to say these words, but they were true. Still, she had the right to choose what to do with her life, so he gave her what she wanted - and needed - to hear. The confirmation.
"But if you still want to be with me and to give us a try… Then, please, stay with me. I don't know how it all will work out, but I will do everything I can to make it work."
McCoy covered the distance between them in one long stride.
She didn't move away, didn't flinch. Her face was as impassive as ever, but her lower lip was trembling as she bit it. He took it as a good sign.
"I don't know how I can go on without you," McCoy continued quietly, "You made me alive, but if you leave… I'm a dead man again. So…"
He stood right in front of her; their bodies almost touching.
"Stay. Please. I'm lost without you. Lee, stay with me."
Her mask broke. Silent tears filled her eyes as she turned away from his gaze.
McCoy stood, waiting. He put all power into her hands, and now it was up to her to decide what would they do now.
She shook her head and finally met his eyes, and though there were still tears on her cheeks, she was smiling.
"You, in fact, don't understand how to treat a woman, do you?"
It was all the answer he needed.
"Come here."
He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her into a tight embrace.
"Screw you," she growled, giving him a bone-crashing hug in return and sobbing unceremoniously into his chest.
"Screw you too," he replied, stroking her hair lightly.
They stood there for what seemed like ages. She was warm and alive and his. What is more, she was a genius, and he wasn't far behind too, and it meant they would find a way to be together.
"It's not true, though," she whispered when she calmed down a little, "The things you said about deserving me. The truth is… It's the other way around."
She distanced herself to look at him.
"It's me who isn't good enough. You think I'm great and smart and all, but I don't deserve you. You have no idea how much I don't deserve you."
It was so textbook he almost laughed. The children of Tarsus would always stay the children of Tarsus. At a very young age, they'd been told they don't deserve to live, and this was what pushed them into all these crazy schemes. He'd seen it countless times in Jim; the irrational urgency to prove themselves and a strong belief in being not good enough no matter how often and obvious the evidence of the opposite was presented. All their insane tricks and wins against all odds were an opportunity to show the world that they were good, that they had earned their right to exist. They threw themselves off the Romulan drill, made a space jump to the ship full of enemies, and won fights with one single dagger. They were screaming at the world, begging to see their value, if only the world would bother to look; but still assured in their own unimportance. McCoy doubted it could ever be healed.
He opened his mouth to object, but she raised her hand to silence him.
"Let me finish."
She freed herself from his arms and started pacing again.
"I'm an outlaw, now you know that. I believe that Kirk can somehow explain how a huge gang of pirates appear on his ship, but… If Starfleet ever finds out who I really am, we are all fucked. You, for letting me stay, and me, for being, you know, me. I will just get you into trouble. This is why I can't just agree to stay, though I really want to. And you… You don't know who I am, not really. I did so many horrible things," she stopped in the middle of the room and stared at the wall, clearly seeing different places and different times, "I'm a monster, Leo. I've just killed two people and I don't give a single damn about it. I am a murderer," her voice was soft and sad, "And nothing can change that."
It was true, and he knew it. She'd injured one of her people for a stupid, absurd reason and killed the other two with astonishing accuracy. And judging by the fact she'd scared away five heavily armed Orion ships only with her threats, she had quite a reputation.
He recalled her conversation with the slave trader:
'I still think ripping his limbs off wasn't necessary, sweetheart.'
'Yes, it was. It was a demonstration of force so that you motherfuckers could see who you're trying to screw up.'
So at some point in her life, she removed someone's limbs from their body. McCoy doubted it was the only thing she'd done to the poor bastard.
She said she was a monster, and unfortunately, to some extent, it was true.
"Don't you want to stop?" he asked, the meaning of her words slowly washing over him.
"I do. But I can't. Tried so many times, but with the life like mine it's impossible."
He believed she tried. She could have been a senseless killer in the past, but she could feel, she could give mercy, he knew it. After all, her phaser had been set to stun when she'd been firing at her former accomplices. She could kill if it was what had to be done, but she wasn't looking for blood. And it was something.
"This is your chance to change it. You can stop doing it. Hell, I thought you've already stopped," he said mildly.
She crooked her head.
"Why would you think that?"
He sighed. It was going to be one more strain on her heart, and it hurt him almost physically to know that all this conversation was pushing her away from the recovery with every word said.
"We kinda figure out who you are exactly, past you and present you. I analyzed your health issues, Jim analyzed your hacking style," he replied quietly
She raised an eyebrow.
"Huh?"
"He thinks you're the Fox, whatever that means. Is he right?"
She turned away.
"Yes," she exhaled.
"So it's not a problem either. We know who you are. We accept that. You just have to promise to give up on your previous life. But didn't you stop? There are no records of you doing anything for the last five years."
She shrugged.
"Yes, I quit. Mostly," she admitted without looking at him, "But your offer means you know nothing about me, know nothing about the Fox. No one knows I guess."
She finally faced him. There was this sorrow in her eyes, the sorrow of a woman who'd seen so much and done so much so the past wouldn't leave her easily.
"So tell me," he approached her again. She didn't pull back, didn't look away. Her breath was shallow.
"What do you want to hear?" she whispered.
His heart was pounding, but he forbid himself to give in to her pleading eyes and back off.
"The truth," he said firmly.