Personal log of Doctor Leonard McCoy, Chief Medical Officer on the Enterprise
Luckily I had that idea of pretending that Jim was dead!
I can't even begin to imagine how much Spock was hurting. When he came back to the Enterprise he looked so miserable that he barely tried to hide his emotions; thankfully Jim was more than alive.
Still, after that happy surprise and despite the fact that Jim was well, I knew that Spock felt bad about what had happened.
I waited for some days but then it became evident to me that Spock wasn't going to solve that problem – and that he was beginning to avoid Jim and me as well.
Today we happened to be together in the Biology Lab to run some tests and I felt it was time to approach the subject.
"What's up, Spock?" I asked gingerly, hoping that for once he would've opened up spontaneously.
How silly of me.
"What are you referring to, Doctor?" he asked back.
"Fine, I'll rephrase: are you ever going to speak to Jim and me off-duty again?" I snapped. Well, he asked for it.
Spock tensed abruptly.
"What do you mean?"
That damned Vulcan always thinks he can fool me.
"I mean that you are avoiding us, Spock. A-v-o-i-d-i-n-g. And don't pretend that you aren't."
"I find it difficult to act differently since I nearly killed the Captain and I forced you to take part to a potentially dangerous celebration" he said, aloof.
"Listen, Spock, it was not your fault. You did invite us to the wedding but we decided to stay. T'Pau offered us to leave but we refused, we decided to take the risk and you shouldn't blame yourself for that."
He was so distressed he didn't even deny that he was blaming himself.
"Had I actually killed the Captain… had you not found that stratagem…" he didn't complete the sentence and went silent.
This was worse than I had thought. It's not like him to stop mid-sentence.
"I know, Spock" I answered, trying to be as gentle as possible "but you can't reproach yourself for something you did while you weren't able to control your mind. And it wasn't your fault that you weren't in control of your mind."
"This is only one side of the problem."
"And what is the other side?" I cooed.
Spock fell silent. I felt he was too scared by the strength of his emotions.
"Fine, don't tell me. As if I couldn't understand it by myself…"
Spock stayed silent for a while, then added calmly:
"I wonder what the consequences on my mind would have been if I had killed the Captain"
"The emotional consequences."
"Yes. Personal relationships are progressing further than I had previously expected."
I suppose that's the Vulcan way to say that he feels close to us and that causing us any suffering would torment him. But I didn't feel like telling him to translate into Human.
"Well, Spock, look at the bright side!"
"I beg your pardon, Doctor?"
I rolled my eyes: "You annoying Vulcan! I mean that there is a pleasurable side too!"
"I understood the assumption. I wondered what the so-called 'bright side' would be."
"The bright side is that friendship is supposed to make people happier. Yes, it brings more worries with itself but it's worth them."
"Doctor, I am a Vulcan. I do not require to be happy."
"Listen, don't do that I-am-a-Vulcan nonsense again. You are half Human, so just deal with it and don't make me repeat it every single time we argue."
Spock raised both eyebrows and didn't answer.
"So, are you avoiding us because you feel it's inappropriate after what happened on Vulcan or because you don't wish to carry on a friendship?"
Spock thought briefly. "The former" he said eventually.
"Oh, so you have some sense left in that thick skull of yours! In that case you may as well stop this damn nonsense!"
Spock regarded me for a long moment.
"There is something that still puzzles me."
"And what is that?"
"You take every opportunity to complain about me, yet you wish me to carry on a friendship. Is this some kind of dual personality disease?"
That pointy-eared devil always catches me off-guard!
"You insufferable Vulcan! Thankfully I have work to do, I'll be on my merry way!" I grunted before leaving.
Damn it!