Unpredictable Vulcan!

I think something very new happened to Spock today and that he won't be the same person from now on.

Basically, that crazy Vulcan decided to go for a walk and to have a chat with V'ger: I can't even begin to understand why he's done something so foolish. He was curious and he probably felt a sort of connection to V'ger but did he bother to think what could've happened to him, to his mind? For a logic being, he is quite irrational sometimes!

Eventually we got him back, even if he was unconscius and suffered a massive neurological trauma. And then I witnessed to the most striking event: as I was talking to Jim about his conditions he laughed out loud. Openly, without even trying to hide it. And even if he was quite traumatized at the moment I am sure that he could've controlled the laughter, had he wanted to.

He explained that V'ger is a living machine whose knowledge encompasses everything but that, on the other hand, V'ger is cold, has no meaning, no hope and no answers. Taking Jim's hand he stated that even that simple gesture was beyond V'ger's comprehension.

I suppose what Spock was trying to say was that he, like V'ger, despite knowing so many things, could not find out who he is, could not find the answers he needed with just logic and knowledge.

Jim soon had to go back to the Bridge and Christine, who was also there, left to take care of the other patients. I told Spock that he would've stayed in Sickbay for another while and he didn't even protest like he used to do.

I wanted to discuss the whole matter with him but I felt this wasn't the time to pry: Spock was still very fragile and moreover he needed to elaborate on his own.

"You should rest, Spock. I'll be in my office if you need me" I told him softly but he stopped me.

"Please stay, Doctor".

I lowered his bed, took a chair and sat next to him but he kept silent, so much that I thought he'd fallen asleep until he turned to look at me, still not speaking.

"What's up, Spock?" I asked cautiously.

"I seem to be reassessing my philosophy, Doctor."

"Well. Logic is not enough for V'ger. Are you saying that it's not enough for you as well?"

"I do not have a definite answer but I suppose yes."

"Why did you embrace the Kholinar, Spock?"

He stayed silent for a moment.

"I am not sure about this either."

"I tthink you've got an answer even if it's not a logical one."

"During the last months of our first mission it was difficult for me to fully identify with the Vulcan culture."

"And since you were uncertain you leant on the Vulcan culture for stability".

He raised an eyebrow at the word 'uncertain' but I knew I was right.

"It's normal, you turned to the culture you're more familiar with. But Spock… you're back here, so I suppose you didn't find the answers there".

"I did not."

"You keep leaving aside your human half. You'll hardly find any answer if you keep suppressing a part of yourself and you really shouldn't be afraid of it" I said, trying to be gentle.

He didn't even try to contradict me.

"Spock, I don't think that Human philosophy will answer all of your questions either because you still are Vulcantoo. Just don't feel compelled to be Vulcan. Don't feel compelled to be anything".

"Thank you, Doctor"

"You're welcome. And another thing, you illogical Vulcan!" he looked at me, outraged "You gave me a heart attack today! Slipping away to have a chat with V'ger, risking your life like that… what comes over you sometimes? That was just plain foolish!"

"Doctor, I can see that you reprimand me both when I act logically and when I act illogically. I wonder what should I do to make you approve my behaviour."

"You should shut up and get back to sleep" I said, turning my back to him.

That Vulcan!