Title: Let's Pick Up Where We Left Off
Summary: 'I love you. I always loved you. Even when I hated you, it just blurred back into love and affection for you. All the guilt, jealousy, hate, anger, it always comes back to love when it comes to you. I can never hate you completely. All I can do is feel for you passionately and intensely blurring all the feelings and emotions back into love,'
He would always fall in love with her, over and over again. Three versions of her in a never-ending circle of endings and : Endings/Beginnings - 6.11.2020
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Fiveya week 2020 Day 6: Endings/Beginnings
He should have waited. He was being too irrational and upset. Dad pissed him off again. He caused him to feel stupid and like an idiot. He hated feeling like that. His pride couldn't take a blow like that. He was never good with criticism especially when he knew he did nothing wrong. When he knew in his bones, he was right about something. When he knew he was right no number of attempts to bring him down or objections would make him believe otherwise.
Five glanced at her, he could see her shaking her head, her hair swinging around her shoulders.
'Promise me, you won't do anything stupid, Five. Promise me you won't try it without a goodbye.'
'Why would you need a goodbye if I will only be gone for a second? You won't even notice I'm gone.'
'I would always notice you're gone, Five, you know that.'
Vanya didn't want him to go. She begged him with her brown eyes. He could see it. He knew her too well. He saw the panic behind her big brown eyes. She hated being left behind. She hated being left alone.
She hated it.
He looked away from her. Didn't she trust his calculations? His mind? He was the smartest of all of the Hargreeves children. His ideas and plans always worked. He managed to achieve everything he ever wanted to. He was brilliant and would achieve greatness one day. Everyone told him so, everyone knew so. This would be no exception. He was sure of it. Dad was being an ass. He was being narrow-minded. But Five could see the bigger picture. Five knew he would achieve time traveling just like he did everything else. He was so sure of it.
So sure of it…
He ran without another glance at Vanya's direction.
It's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
She would understand. She wouldn't even have to know. If he did it right, he would be right back to this very moment smugly taking his seat again and smirking at her letting her know without words that he made it.
He would come back to her
Vanya would be proud. She was always so proud of his achievements. He liked the way she smiled at him when he did something he worked hard for. He liked her smile.
The first jump went well.
Did he ever have doubts?
Then came his second one.
Another success
Then another one and then…
The world around him burnt with destruction and ash…
No…
The city…was dead. It looked ruined or damaged. Everything was on fire. Everything was in aches. The air was burning his lungs and the inside of his nose. All he could see was destruction and despair and-
Bodies…dead…burnt…crushed…
All dead…
Five didn't understand. He didn't understand where the hell he was. Why…why did it look like this? Where was everyone and why those whose bodies were here were like this like?
What the hell happened?
He started to run back. Back to the direction of the mansions. Back home, back to his family, back to-
'VANYA?!' he shouted into what was left of the house still burning.
'BEN?!' he called out looking around in desperation trying to find someone-anyone.
'DAD! ANYONE?!' his voice echoed emptily against the world around him. He kept on looking around and screaming but no one responded. There was only the sound of occasionally something falling down in the distance. No sounds of survivors. No sounds of life.
Did they survive?
Of course, they did! They had to!
They were the Umbrella Academy and Reginald Hargreeves. They had to make it out alive from whatever this was but-Mom, Pogo, Van-
'F-Five?' he heard not far away from him outside the house and ran to the direction in a heartbeat, 'Hello?'
There was someone not so far away standing and looking at him dressed in a white suit covered in dirt and ash with brown hair-
'Vanya!' he called out and started to run toward the person only to slow down as he realized his mistake. It was a grown woman, not a child, but for a moment in his fear and shock over the state he found the house and city in he assumed it was. She was short. Almost as short as Vanya and the hair just made him delusional for a second.
'Ma'am,' he said slowly walking toward her, 'Can you tell me what happened, please? Where is everyone?' he asked looking around to see if he would catch someone else nearby, but it looked like she was the only one around.
There was blood on her shoulder which caused Five to pause and glance at her properly noticing the blood slowly dripping from her ear, 'Ma'am?'
'Five, I'm so sorry,' she said softly with the saddest chestnut eyes he ever saw looking straight into his eyes before she sat or rather collapsed down on the ground, 'Oh, Five, I'm so sorry.'
She shook her head repeating the words over and over again confusing him even more.
He frowned and took a step closer. Who was she? Why was she apologizing? Did she recognize him from a poster or TV or something-
'I killed them, Five,' she said and looked up at him the expression of pure agony stole the breath from his lungs, 'Five, I killed everyone. I-I'm sorry.'
Five opened and closed his dry mouth not able to speak not sure what he should say looking at the woman. Looking at her eyes, so familiar, so comforting with their sadness, so brown, so-
He reached his shaky hand toward the woman before he paused it not actually touching her not sure why he would want to, 'What-what are you talking about? How-'
'Five, I'm sorry, I killed them all…Luther, Diego, Allison, Klaus…Pogo and Mom…Everyone. Everyone,' she covered her face with her palms slowly sobbing in a way that he hated. He was never good with civilians or hostages. They cried and needed comfort, Allison, Klaus, anyone else was better but-but-
Allison…
Klaus…
Everyone…
'How do you…,' he swallowed and reached for the woman's hands, so cold almost like she was one of the dead as well before he pushed them away from her face for a second revealing thirteen-year-old Vanya's face when she was crying over whatever mean thing dad told her-
He threw her hands away almost causing her to lose balance and already stumbled back from her himself.
'No, no…'
'Five, I-'
'Shut up!' He snapped and shook his head, 'Why do you-how did you found out about her?' He snapped. Vanya was a secret. No one knew about the seventh sibling. No one knew about Vanya. She hated it, but it also kept her safe. There were many attempts at kidnapping and assassination on dad. Many tried to harm him. The house was safe. Vanya inside the house was safe. She was supposed to stay a secret to be safe. But someone found out. Someone found out and used this-this imposter to look at her and-and-
'Fi-'
'Shut the hell up! Stop saying my name! Where are they? Where are my siblings? What happened?' he demanded stepping away from the woman, creating a safe distance. He didn't know her. Did she have powers? Did she unleash a nuclear disaster? He dealt with many villains of both ordinary and not so ordinary abilities. Either way, she was a liar. Whatever she was trying to convince him of was a lie.
'It's me,' she said desperately looking at him slowly getting up on her knees and then legs to the slightly taller height than Vanya's. It didn't matter. It was a trick. It wasn't her.
'I don't know who you're trying to pretend to be-'
'Five, it's me,' she said and took a step closer, but he rose his hand to gesture for her he didn't want her to walk closer to him, 'I told you! Stop saying my name, and you're not-'
'Vanya,' she cut him off before she sighed and looked away, 'It's me. I did this. I…killed everyone. I lost control. I'm so sorry. You have to believe me. You have to forgive me. Five, please….My powers-'
'Vanya doesn't have powers,' he said fiercely as he was angry that the woman was still saying her lies and nonsense.
She looked back at him with a sigh, 'Five, dad drugged me with pills because he couldn't train me like you guys, and when I stopped taking them, they came back to me. Remember when we were kids….you hated that I took too many of them and that they made me so numb,' she offered him a softer almost pleased look like she was thinking about a happy memory, 'You would complain they made me as stupid as the others. But I think I knew you were just worried-'
'Stop!' he snapped breathing hard. What she was saying-it didn't make sense-it couldn't be true. She couldn't be Van-
She couldn't be her. She would never do this. She would never kill people. She would never…
Vanya would never…
He looked away at the destruction. The buildings were damaged, gone, or on fire. The air was polluted with fire, smoke, and ash. Under the ruins, he could see bodies, dead people, murdered by this woman. Whoever she was-
Vanya
-she did this.
He forced the fingers on his still raised hand into a fist, and then pointed at the woman, 'I don't care who you are, but you made the worse mistake of your life by trying to pretend to be her! If you come near me, I will kill you. I will go back and stop you before you ever get close to my siblings. That's a promise!'
She opened her mouth to say something else, but he didn't give her the time. She could have rotten for all he cared.
He calculated the equations in his mind and jumped away out of her reach, out of her presence.
Screw her and what she did…
He ran away from her again.
He would figure it out on his own. He would find a way back home on his own and deal with this. All of this. Dad trained them to save the world. To stop an apocalypse. This was his mission. He would get home, warn everyone, prepare. Find this woman, whoever, she worked for, stop her, and save the day and the world.
Like always
He managed to time travel. He managed everything he ever set his mind to. He would make it home and Vanya-his real Vanya would reward him with a proud smile, he would cherish like all the others he received so far.
Five would never disappoint her.
Never
Once he was far away, and he convinced himself he was as safe as he could be from the woman, he tried to use his powers, over and over again, he tried to calculate the equations inside his mind only to come to the sour discovery that without knowing the exact year, month, day, hour and second that he was in, he couldn't jump back at all let alone figure out the correct equations to jump back to 2002.
So he started to search. Everything was on fire, but one way or another, he had to find some clues to what day it was at least. Finally, he managed to pick up the newspaper his heart-stopping at the date on the dirty paper.
1st April 2019
He jumped almost seventeen years into the future.
He made it.
Dad would have to admit his mistake.
Vanya would be proud. She would offer him one of her smiles and congratulate him later when it would be just the two of them so no one would notice.
She would be so proud.
Swallowing, Five almost wrinkled the papers, but stopped himself last minute and took in a deep breath only to cough at the disgusting taste of it.
Carefully he put together the paper and secured it into his pocket as evidence for dad before he tried to look for something to write with and work on his equations to get back home.
That first night after his eyes started to burn and his vision got covered with spots, Five decided to stop for a moment to move around heavy pieces of the damaged new world to make shelter wishing Luther and his strength was there to help him, wishing anyone, anyone but Vanya was there to help him.
Stubborn child, stubborn child, stubborn child
Five heard over and over again in his mind in the displeased yet uninterested voice of his father's.
His hands paused covered in ash and dust, and he frowned. No, that was not true. He wished Vanya was here too, but his Vanya, his sister Vanya, his real sister, not this old sad-looking imposter, who did this, who killed everyone according to her words.
Vanya would never
Vanya would never hurt a fly.
Vanya was good and kind with a big heart and soul pure enough for the both of them.
'Vanya is like your Jimmy Cricket,' Ben told him when she convinced him to help the others turn off the cameras for the first time when they planned to sneak out in Griddy's.
He told his brother that it didn't work like that, but now he wished it did. He wished he had a mini version of Vanya only big enough to keep in his pocket and protect her from the ash and dirt around him. Just a small version of her to talk to him and calm him down telling him that the woman, that woman was an imposter and a liar and she was the real Vanya, his Vanya, who he could keep in his pocket and protect from this world. He could have her here without her suffering without her hands and lungs hurting from digging and breathing and without tears blurring his vision as he worked.
Such a childish thought. Such childish thoughts have no room in the life of a member of the Academy, Number Five.
He didn't care what dad thought. He just wanted Vanya to be here with him.
Five worked day and night on his equations only stopping enough to go seek food, water, and some other necessities taking on all of his tasks as a part of his missions as if given to him by dad, to get back home and warn everyone of what would happen in 2019. It helped him focus and work without spearing too much time on doubts that occasionally made their way into his thoughts before he would fall asleep due to exhaustion.
It took Five almost a week to go looking for the woman. The first three days he was convinced he didn't need anything from her or to see her again still on alert that she would come and attack him at one point. She said she was the one who caused this…apocalypse. And as far as Five could tell no one survived so, it had to be her. However, by the fourth day, he realized, she stayed out of his way all together probably at the part of the city that he left her avoiding another meeting with him the same way he did.
I am very disappointed in you, Number Five. I expected great things from you
On the fifth day, he started to look for more answers mainly in the library where some of the shelves managed to survive more than based on what he could tell anything else. He couldn't ask her. He wouldn't ask her. She did this. She…she was the villain and no matter how much she cried for forgiveness and begged him to understand her, he wouldn't give her any of that.
She was not Vanya. Not his Vanya
Between scavenging for newspapers, he found her book.
Her book. Vanya's book.
The cover had a picture of the thirteen-year-old girl holding a violin and playing.
His Vanya
He could still hear the songs she used to play in his mind, the music calming, alluring sometimes with mistakes but always with a heart, with passion and love for the instrument given only to her.
On the backside of the book was a different picture. It was the picture of the woman.
Vanya…
Not Vanya…
The killer of the world…
Still Vanya…
He almost started to cry again before he hit his knee hard with his fist no doubt causing a bruise.
No! No more of that!
A small part of him wanted to toss the book away to never have to look at it, at her, ever again.
He turned the book back around and took in a deep breath while running his fingers across the image he remembered so well. Countless of times, he witnessed her play in her room, in the library, in dad's office, or at her performances in the lounge room. She looked breathtaking. Did he realize that before? Yes, he did. Maybe he should have told-
No! He will tell her. Once he made it back, he would tell her she looked breathtaking when she played. No need to feel sorry about it now. He had time. He would figure it all out tomorrow, in another week. It wasn't so bad. It sucked to sleep on the ground, but he was getting used to the smell, food, and water. It reminded him of that time dad took them into the woods for training survival in nature. It was fine for now, and Five would work it all out, and get back home and stop all of this and…
Vanya…
After the sixth day he needed answers, however, and with no one, literally no one around, and the woman-Vanya claiming to be the cause of all of this. He had to swallow his anger and go talk to her.
He hid the book along with the other things in his small shelter and made his way toward the part of the city when he last saw the woman.
She was still there. In the same dirty white suit, which looked dirtier now. The blood on her shoulder was dried so the bleeding must have stopped but the rest of it looked like fresh.
He didn't ask her what she was doing to get so dirty.
'You didn't answer my questions before…what happened here?' he asked her trying to maintain a steady posture as he would in front of any other enemy, as dad taught them when they were kids. She caused the end of the world, killing billionths, he needed to treat her the same way he would anyone else who would do that.
She was turned with her back toward him not seem interested in his presence eating something, she must have found the same way he did in the ruins of the world.
'I'm talking to you,' he said again, 'Before you seemed pretty keen on doing the talking. What now you decided not to?'
She didn't look like she was stopping any times soon, so he took a step closer, 'Hey, I'm-'
She shot up looking at him startled before she took in a deep breath, 'Five, I didn't hear you coming.'
It threw him off, just how easy it was once again to picture his thirteen-year-old Vanya in place of this woman again. It was her, wasn't it? He saw it the first time he caught glimpse of her, but he convinced himself it couldn't be her. How could his sweet dear Vanya do something like this? Did she really get powers and lose control? Was it all just an accident?
He frowned almost ready to argue before he decided not to instead trying to hold his ground again, 'I want to know what happened. And I want to know the truth this time.'
The woman looked away, 'I-I told you. I stopped taking the pills and then-I lost control. Everything happened so fast. I just exploded with anger and then it was too late to stop it. I guess I covered myself before…everything got destroyed. I woke up and saw you walking into the house. I thought-I thought you were a ghost or hallucination for a moment.'
She looked at him again with the familiar vulnerability that Five recognized all too well and yet now made him take a step back, 'Are you really here? Are you real?'
He swallowed trying hard not to give in to her looking so small and weak.
'How did you lose control? What was going on the exact moment you lost control? I need to know,' he said hearing his own voice shake as he did. It was too much to be brave and in control when she looked at him like this. She looked like herself. She looked so much like herself, and all Five wanted to do was to reach her and touch her and know she was real as well.
She swallowed her eyes radiating guilt and despair, 'I told you.'
Five shook his head, 'No, I need to know everything. Why? What provoked you to do all of that? You…you just lost control? What happened?'
He needed answers. He needed to know as much as he could so he would come home and fix everything. Stop whatever the hell was going on from happening. Stop the creation of whatever this woman was. He would never let Vanya to become her. He would never allow this to happen to Vanya. He would stop it. He would stop her and save the world.
He would save Vanya.
She closed her eyes, 'I had a concert and the others came, and they tried to hurt me, and they ruined the concert, and I was already a mess-and everything just took over, and I couldn't stop it. I'm so sorry. I-I just blacked out everything just made me so angry. I worked so hard for that concert, and Luther and the others they should up and tried to ruin it, and I-I'm so sorry,' she started to sob again shaking her head looking just as devastated as she did the first time, Five saw her, but his blood boiled again, 'What? What do you mean? They ruined your concert so you what-destroyed the world? Vanya?! That's-'
'You weren't there. It was all heated and there were people with guns, and I lost control. You-you weren't there, Five. I'm-I'm so sorry. It's so horrible. I did…I did a horrible thing, and I hate it, and if I could-I would take it all back-But….Jesus-Five, don't look at me like that, please,' she started to cry wet tears falling down her cheeks forcing him to look away, his anger and disgust in how she could become this woman from the sweet girl he knew all his life was like a punch into the gut for him.
'Five,' she said and tried to take a step closer to him, but he jumped away, 'Don't you dare!'
She stopped crying too shocked by his snap at her. So vicious and so sudden.
He jumped back away from her without another word. Again without a goodbye. Forcing himself to run back to his shelter to cool down the way he was thought. Knowing if he stayed and listen to her any longer, he would lose it and did something which would make himself look just as guilt in Vanya's eye once he made it back as it looked inside the woman's when she stood in front of him.
After that, he carried on. This was his mission, and he would work through it like any other. He worked on his equations. He would find more food, water, and anything useful for his life, he would fix his shelter and every time he managed to calm himself enough, he would make his way back to the woman.
She would always wait for him at the same place he left her, not looking like she was trying as hard as him to survive still in the same white dirty suit the bloodstain turning almost black at this point. Still trying to feed him her apologies and half-stories about what happened never really revealing the full picture. It always ended the same with him getting so upset with the woman and how she ruined Vanya's-his Vanya's image, Five had to leave before he would do something reckless.
By the fifth time he showed up, he had enough.
Five would have apologized. If he ever snapped like that at his Vanya he would apologize. But this woman was a stranger. This wasn't his Vanya. This was the woman who killed the world, their siblings and-
'Why not end it?' he asked feeling all that anger too much for him to hold at the moment. He should have left the way he always did when he got this upset. He left whoever he was angry at to cool down and then came back because if he didn't sometimes Five was worried he would murder the person who made him feel so enraged.
He would never think that person would become her.
'Too damn much of a coward to kill yourself but no problem wiping out the human race? Our siblings?' he snapped at her again taking a heavy step closer to intimidate her, 'Why not just end it all if it's all too much. If guilt is a sour pill to swallow, Vanya?'
Her eyes look at him without their usual trace of pain and guilt though the last tears already drying out as she came to a sober look and said in an even voice, 'Because then you would be all alone. Hate me. Damn me to hell. But at least I'm here. If I was gone, if I killed myself it would be just you. Only you, Five. All alone.'
The shiver that ran through his body broke any chance of trying to act like her words didn't affect him, didn't chill him to the bone. He knew it was the truth. He knew she was right. If she died if he gave into the rage he sometimes felt for her so strong he wanted nothing more than to jump to her and smash her head against the ground and kill her. He would be alone, all alone.
'I already took so much from you, Five…I don't want to do that to you too…I…' her eyes softened coming back to their typical look Five got to know so well over the years they grew up together right before it changed into an ugly upset one he never saw before, 'So tell me would you rather I end it all and leave you the hell alone, Five? Tell me?'
His body was trembling with fear and anger toward her, toward what happened, toward this whole damn hellish place. He was torn between admitting defeat and defying stubbornly as he did with everything else.
'I will prove him right, Vanya! I will prove dad and you and everyone who has doubts right just like always!'
'I expected more from you, Number Five.'
'Five just…be careful.'
'Do whatever the hell you want!' he snapped at the woman and tried to run away tripping over a stupid rock falling to his knees.
'Five,' he heard her call out with concern.
'Leave me alone!' he snapped slowly raising to his knee to look at it the pain from the hit nothing compared to the pain from the emotions running inside him.
He felt her hand on his shoulder, but he jerked it away trying to form more words to tell her to leave him alone, to go away, to give him peace but his mouth felt full of ash and pain at that moment, too much to speak properly.
He wished she would walk away.
He wished she would touch him again.
He wished the real Vanya was here.
He wished he was home.
He wished he never time-traveled and saw this place.
When he felt her bony arms around his chest and shoulder hugging him from the behind, he didn't push her away. He wasn't a hugger. He never needed comfort the way others did. He wasn't always trying to get into Mom's arms like Diego or Klaus after a nightmare or the night visits of ghosts. He never wanted Mom or anyone to hug him like that, to allow anyone to see his need for such weakness. At least not until now.
Now he grabbed her arms as if to force her to hold him tighter and closer blaming the hiccup sounds close to sobs to the lack of water and taste of ash inside his mouth. Blaming the painful lump inside his throat on the lack of proper food he hadn't swallowed in days, and the drops of water falling down on his and her limps of the non-existing rain falling from the sky instead of his own tears.
For now, Five allowed himself to be weak, and Vanya to hold him without feeling like a traitor for needing comfort from the destroyer of the world.
It's okay if it's family.
It's okay if they hurt you when they're family.
It's not abuse.
It can't hurt so badly when it's family. They don't mean it. You have to forgive them.
You have to forgive your family-
He broke free from her maybe even causing her to fall to the ground as he heard her wounded gasp.
He didn't look back, he just jumped away again without a goodbye wishing he could jump back home away from all of this and his emotions away from everything in between.
Five didn't come to talk to her again. He kept her book along with the other things he gathered that might be helpful in the future to show what happened, but he refused-forbidden himself from seeking her out again. He was angry at himself now for allowing her to see him at his weakest and could only hope he would forget about it once he would make it home and erase her-
-from existence.
If he made it home and stopped whatever forced Vanya to become this woman, he would erase this timeline and this version of Vanya.
For a moment that thought caused him to be incapable of doing anything before he once again took a deep breath and convince himself to carry on reminding himself once again it wasn't his Vanya and it was necessary to save the world.
'A single person can never be as important as the greater good of humanity.'
Dad told him things like that many times usually in reference to them being stubborn or not doing as they were told.
It took Five about another week before it hit him that there was the absolutely horrifying silence of not a single person being left alive, and once he realized it, he couldn't stop thinking about it. Inside the mansion, there was always something going on. Someone was making noise or sounds either one of his nutcase siblings with their stupid ideas, Vanya with her violin practicing in her room, mom with her vacuuming, or other forms of cleaning. There was always something revealing that the house was alive with people inside. Now, here, there wasn't any sound or noise, but absolute silence because there was no one around.
Silence
Alone
All alone
He was alone here at this moment, in this world.
Vanya was in her part of the city…or was she?
He hadn't spoken to her in days for almost a week, so he didn't really know if she was still there or not, but if she wasn't.
If Vanya…if the woman…if she wasn't… he was all alone.
He started to run in the direction where he last saw her trying to listen to any sound to capture anything that would prove that he wasn't alone that she wasn't gone, that he wasn't lost completely alone…
He stumbled over a rock and fell to the ground hitting his head, but the adrenaline and soul-crushing fear forced him to continue to run despite his limits until he finally finally found her laying on the ground in that dirty white suit.
His heart stopped.
'V-vanya! VANYA!' he screamed so horrified he almost choked on his own breath as he ran straight to her only for her to look over at him blinking.
She was alright. She was alive. She must have fallen asleep or fainted or went to rest or-
'Vanya,' he whispered stopping in track looking at her for a moment not sure what to say before she got up and rushed toward him pushing him to sit down, 'Five, you're bleeding. Did you fall? Let me see, please.'
He was stunned.
Her hands were on his cheek carefully examining his forehead where he probably had a dash caused by his fall, and it reminded him so painfully too much of his Vanya. Of the Vanya who took care of his injuries in the infirmary whenever mom was too busy with the others. Always with a look of concern on her face and a short lecture about how he should be more careful and not cause her grey hair at such a young age. Always thoughtful, and sweet, and amazing, and soft, and caring, and too damn nice for her own good. Always his dearest Vanya.
His Vanya. His Vanya. His Vanya.
He started to cry. He couldn't stop. It's been years since he last cried with someone around even less since he needed the comfort of another person when he did. But when Vanya's hands found their way around his shoulders once again, he sobbed harder and circled her like a lifesaver never wanting to let go letting out all the frustration and desperation about their situation he hadn't had had the time to process properly until that moment.
Please don't leave me alone. Please don't leave me alone, Vanya.
He didn't know how to get back home and if Vanya was gone, he would be all alone.
She was all he had now. So he held her as tight as he could like a child would its mother hoping the anguish he felt inside him would flow away with his tears.
It felt like ages until, Five finally stopped crying, but once he did, he asked Vanya if she wanted to come back with him to where he built his shelter.
She agreed instantly looking relieved but that could have been because she was worried when he wasn't around more than she let on.
From the looks of it, she didn't work that hard on trying to make a shelter or home camp on her own just gathered food and water if she needed it and slept on the ground. He wondered if that was due to guilt or lack of preparation he and his siblings received while training with dad for every situation but didn't ask at least not then.
'The mall nearby is ruined, but there are tons of clothes,' he told her trying to skate around the fact the first day she joined his small living arrangements.
She glanced down at her clothes, and if she understood his reasoning why he wanted her to change out of that horribly unsettling dirty white suit, she didn't say just did so coming back in a size big hoodie and pants easing his mind a bit. It made him feel better when she looked like an ordinary person.
With Vanya around doing most of the mundane heavy lifting, Five could focus more on the equations and calculations coming to help her only if he was sure she wouldn't be able to do the tasks herself. It reminded him of the times he helped her with math always making sure she did things on her own only coming to her rescue if he was sure she needed it. Being around her, proved how much she was still Vanya just a grown-up, and it also helped his sanity. The small noises, she made helped him concentrate better reminding him of the house.
They talked, but there was a distance. For quite some time, Five let the topic of what happened the night of the apocalypse go, and focused on his work. Their conversations were at first very short-lived like they were tiptoeing around each other to make sure they wouldn't upset the other. Steadily, however, they started to discuss more than what was needed to be done around the shelter like memories they shared and their siblings, but nothing which would cause them too emotional reactions just soft, safe things, some funny moments. However, those always left both of them a bit sad as they remembered that the others weren't there.
'Dad was so mad,' she agreed when he mentioned the time Klaus said during an interview, he liked to dress up in Allison's clothes too.
He smiled until the fact that all their siblings were dead came crawling into the back of his mind.
'Was it quick?' he asked her then. The only time, he did so ever since she joined his shelter.
Vanya was quiet for a while looking at her hands, and he almost regretted asking before she answered, 'I got knocked up before it happened, but I think so,' she then looked at him her eyes as tired as ever truly revealing she was living on borrowed time only because of him, 'I buried them the first day we met. I didn't want you to see their...them.'
-their bodies
Five nodded gratefully for that and the fact that she changed clothes realizing why the dirty suit was so unsettling to look at.
If Vanya understood that once he finished his equations would likely only serve to bring him back home but not her, she didn't say anything. Just carried on with their day as if scavenging for useful things, food and water was their new normal. It wasn't and with every day, every failed calculation, heading to sleep hungry and dehydrated growing fonder of this sad and weak version of Vanya, Five remind himself of it to continue to try again tomorrow.
This wasn't normal. This was what they needed to do to survive until he would make it back home. Nothing less, nothing more.
Sometimes he reminded himself of that a few times a day. It didn't always stick though.
When it started to rain, Five was almost startled another end of days was coming. It had been almost six months since he came and there wasn't a single drop making him believe there never would have been ever again until he realized the rain was only concentrated near their shelter where Vanya was keeping the buckets ready to be filled, 'It took me months, but I finally managed.'
He was stunned enough to set the piece of rock, he was using as chalk away and walk to her watching the water fill the buckets before he raised his head high and let it get wet with the rain.
It felt heavenly
'What are your powers exactly?' he asked finally allowing himself to let another piece of his anger toward her and what she did go in favor of knowledge. It was a slow process. Even after he asked her to come to his shelter it was mostly for his benefit than hers, and even if he tried he knew she could sense the hostility he carried in his heart for her, but as always took it like it was and tried to help him and take care of him despite it just like she would any other of their siblings who were being a jackass to her. Five always hated it when she did that. She was too kind. He would never be kind, he would be the jackass, and she would use that same kindness on him too. But slowly with time, he was letting it go so he could co-exist with her and so they could survive and save the world one day.
'I'm not sure, Leonard said it's sound manipulation and creation of energy. The weather control is a side effect,' she said, her brown eyes focused on the buckets.
'Who's Leonard?' he asked narrowing his eyes at her with a sudden stab of annoyance and jealousy, he knew so little about the life she had after he left, and upon the lack of information he had about what happened to cause her to lose control and end the world.
It started to pour all of the sudden as Vanya looked over at him all the color disappearing from her face like she saw a ghost before she shook her head and the rain stopped altogether, 'Someone who…I can't, Five.'
He was silent for a moment losing some of his anger upon seeing her so weak and scared. He knew something bad happened, 'You have to tell me, Vanya. I need to know in order to stop it.'
'I know, I know, but he…Five, I need,' her voice was shaking, and Five tried to take her hand, but she stepped away before he could. Something snapped inside him hitting him as if she slapped him with the fact that she wouldn't allow him to comfort her the same way she had him, 'I will be back. I just want to walk a bit. Just for a bit. I promise.'
'Vanya, please…'
'Five, I can't-'
'Damn it, this isn't a game!' he snapped startling her a bit, he could tell he did, 'You ended the world, and now I'm stuck here in this wasteland without anything and anyone. I want to go home. You can't keep me here just because you're lonely or whatever. I don't belong here. I want to go home.'
He knew those were the cruelest things, he ever said to her, but she had to understand what was happening right now. He was the member of the Umbrella Academy not some little boy, and he was the only one who had the chance to get back home and fixed this. He needed answers, and he gave her plenty of time to deal with what happened to be ready to talk. He was tired and hungry all the time. He wanted to go home. He missed everyone. He was going mad being here just with her without anyone.
He pressed on knowing, he should have stopped before he would say something he couldn't take back, but he couldn't, 'Don't you want to make this right? Don't you want to save the world? Stop this-'
'Of course, I want to stop this. If you…if you weren't here I wouldn't,' she shook her head, 'I wouldn't try, if you weren't…Five, it's…I don't know everything that happened. I just know my side. The others, they just-'
She looked away again carrying that look of devastation and despair as the world ended all over again that sometimes made him want to look away because it was too much to see someone he cared for so much like this. He loved Vanya more than anyone in the house. She was his favorite person and best friend. In some ways, he had just her keeping him from being like the others and whenever she wasn't around, he was just like them. He knew. Ben was right. In a way, Vanya was his Jimmy Cricket, his little voice that made him sane, better, kinder, and human. He would do whatever he wanted to, but if she asked him nicely with her Bambi big brown eyes who reconsider. Even if this woman was the Vanya who grew up without him and an adult, she was still Vanya, but it seriously hurt to be upset with her all the time and to see so broken about it too.
'Then, tell me your side of the story. Anything, please,' he begged his voice revealing just how desperate he was, the fact that he did now know was worse than anything he could picture, 'Vanya, please. I need to know what really happened.'
She looked into his eyes, and he could see the moment, she made up her mind her face becoming a mask for a moment so she could leave and grieve with her emotions in private, 'In a few days. I will…I will prepare myself, and I will let you, I promise. Okay? Just let me take a walk right now, please.'
He had half the mind to deny and demand that she talked right now but seeing her like this was too much for him to handle. However angry he was at her. However, much he could hate her for what she did. He could never be this cruel to her again. Not like before when he said all those things.
'Alright.'
When she left, and he took the buckets and boiled the water and did all the chores she usually did while he worked counting the hours until she came back only then allowing himself to stop worrying that he pushed her too far, and she would leave him alone.
They slept close on their makeshift bed. Not touching but close enough that they could feel each other's body warmth nearby. It was easier that way. When they closed their eyes, they could pretend. Both of them. When they closed their eyes, it was just like they were a year ago in Vanya's small bed before dad forced him not to sleep there anymore with threats like that he wouldn't allow Vanya to leave her room anymore.
Cruel bastard.
When they close their eyes feeling one another presence the silence around them wasn't deafening as there was always silence in the middle of the night in the house.
It was about a month after they started to sleep this close that Five heard so sudden and heartbreaking a sob that caused the world to shake inside his mind.
A part of him was still angry about what happened, but it wasn't the same rage and hate he felt for her when he first saw her. He would maybe always be upset about what she did but at least he had her here and clues about what happened and how he could stop it all once he would make it back and save everyone, save her.
He put his arms around her. He was already taller and bigger than her, and it caused him to feel sick that she remained this tiny, this small, and defenseless in a world without him, a prey to it until it caught her and ripped her apart along with the rest of the world. She was too small. She needed him, and he left. And the whole world paid the price.
He pulled her closer burying his face against her hair. It was dirty not as nice as it used to be when mom was in charge of their hygiene and brand of shampoo, but it still smelled like her. It still smelled like home. It still brought him hope. And when he closed his eyes, Five could pretend they were laying inside Vanya's tiny bed listening for any footsteps and slowly letting the dreamland take them. The footsteps never came. This time, he would prefer they did.
He sighed to himself, and the empty night.
I'm here. You're not alone.
She sobbed a bit harder for a moment but eventually settled down. There was no reason for her to torture herself more than she or he already did.
They used to cling to each other for comfort in the mansion in order to break free from dad's harsh and rubbish treatment of them. Now they did it to comfort each other in the soulless wasteland. Maybe that was their destiny. One way or another always together trying to find comfort in each other to escape the harsh realities they lived in.
How poetic and horrible at the same time
Vanya asked him to cut it short that day and opened a can of beans for both of them as they sat down on their makeshift bed. He knew he needed to hear it, but it didn't make it any easier to.
It was ridiculous to feel sad about Ben's death when everyone, the entire world, and all his siblings died, yet Five couldn't protect his heart from the stab of hurt upon the knowledge that Ben died so young.
He knew that once he would go back in time he would fix everything, but it still felt gut-wrenchingly horrible to listen to Vanya talk about her sad and lonely life after he left and that nothing change except for the fact that now she was all alone without him in the house where she was barely more than a shadow.
When she started to explain what happened, he could tell she was trying to push aside her emotions in order so she could talk properly but was failing as he noticed the wind around them was getting stronger.
He took her hand and held it in his as encouragement and support since it was the only thing he could do at that moment.
She explained everything she knew and remembered. How she killed Leonard in a rage after she found out he was manipulating her. How she destroyed the house and Pogo and Mom before she went to have her concert only to lose control once she heard the horrible close-up sound of a bullet being fired near her ear. That must have been the reason why she was half-deaf on that ear and couldn't use her powers as much as before. Maybe that was what saved him and her in the end.
She explained that after that everything went black, but she knew it was somehow her fault.
'It was like a snap of a rubber band inside me,' she explained and looked up at me, 'All that power and it snapped.'
Either her powers burst through the whole world or something else happened, but given that the moon in the night looked partly damaged Five had a hunch about where all that energy inside her ended up in.
She didn't know how did the others found out about her, but all of what happened, everything from dad locking her and drugging her, to his leaving, to Peabody getting dad's journal, to the others showing up in Icarus led to the apocalypse, they were forced to live in now. Five knew so now. She wasn't completely to blame, no matter how much she would want to be.
'Promise me,' she squeezed his hand firmly with a point, 'that once you figure it out you will go and fix this. Stop Leonard Peabody. Stop me. Stop…this,' her eyes were so raw and honest. She knew it would mean she would be erased. She knew it would mean she would be gone. Not even dead but completely gone. She knew so from the start when she urged him to continue to work on his equations, and it was what she wanted in order to save the world. Her sacrificed for her sin. Her salvation in her own destruction.
Five was wrong. This woman wasn't a villain. Not the typical one at least.
He nodded and put his other hand over hers looking into her ears reminding herself she told him this to help him, give him more information to be able to do it, not to raise sympathy or change his mind.
But he would be lying if he didn't feel a shift in his feelings about what happened after seeing the whole picture.
'I will. I promise, Vanya,' he said the words leaving a rotten taste in his mouth worse than any of the horrible food they ate in the wasteland so far.
With time, his equations frustrated Five to the point of breaking things in the camp. He was never good at dealing with failure or lack of progress. He figured his misstep in time traveling was just that a lack of progress on what would turn out to be a success. It wasn't a failure. He got to time travel, he just needed to find a way back home to complete the circle.
'Take a day off,' said Vanya fixing the now damaged basket with her weak bony fingers. She lost so much weight since the first time he saw her, and she was already so skinny then it was sometimes hard to look at her. It shouldn't be. Both of them were hungry creatures forced into this hellhole, and Five knew it wasn't something he could change and should accept as a part of their new normal, but he couldn't help himself.
'I can't afford a day off,' he said gritting his teeth. After the night she confessed all that happened, Vanya never addressed what his calculations meant that this was how he would save the world and stop her even if they both knew it.
'Just for today, it won't matter if you will make it back a day later or not. You can't work like this,' she said and then hesitantly added, 'I know you, Five.'
He watched her for a moment, not sure what to say, 'What should I do? Look around-'
Her hand was gently pressed against his shoulder reminding him of the time they were kids, and she would try to comfort him or ease his mind and anger. He didn't like to worry her, but it was nice to know he could count of her to try. Dad never seemed that interested about the physical state they were in after a brutal training or mission, why should he?
'Go find something to read or take a walk just…something else than math and numbers,' she suggested calmly.
Easier said than done, but he humored her by walking away.
When Vanya came to live in the shelter, he hid the things he gathered about what happened away. He wasn't sure if she knew or not, but she didn't bring them up. He didn't read her book. He was too angry with her and himself then. He was angry about what she did, and of himself that when he was gone time went on without him. It was pointless, he knew if he made it back, he would stop it all, but it still forbade him from going further than longingly looking at the covers of the book remembering how Vanya used to look like. With time passing, it was becoming a distant memory as he was more and more getting familiar with how she looked now. A few inches taller, harmfully skinny with her hair always tangled and in clothes slightly larger but much warmer than their old uniforms. Her face lost all of the last baby fat, her eyes became a shade lighter, but that could have been the trick of the light or her using her powers.
Still, it wasn't a necessary bad look. At first, it seemed unsettling and served to remind Five that she wasn't his Vanya, but with time, he was grateful for how she looked, as his stomach did the most horrible of flips whenever his mind imagined his Vanya, the thirteen-year-old girl who would get sick for three weeks whenever there was a strong breeze would be stuck here in such a cruel world. This Vanya seemed much more resistant, and that was both good and sad. Good since she looked better in handling the place even if maybe just for his benefit, and sad since it reminded him she had to become that way in order to survive without him.
Still, Vanya told him, he should find something to read. He might as well start with her book.
Extra-Ordinary: My Life as Number Seven
It was surreal and yet believable. Through Vanya's eyes, he could picture everything she described happening inside the house after he left and even before. He knew her well. He knew how she thought, and he knew this was how she saw the world around her and what was happening to them, yet it chilled him both to know it was happening and how with adult understanding, she could describe how truly bizarre, horrible, and abusive their childhood truly was.
It's okay if it's family.
It's not abuse if it's family.
You have to forgive them if it's family.
In Five's opinion that was a pile of bullshit.
He came back to the shelter with her book and a smirk, 'Will you give me an autograph if I find a pen?'
Vanya's eye widened so comically, he wanted to laugh but held it in until she looked back at his face, 'I…I mentioned I wrote a book.'
'You did. Pretty brave to reveal the family secrets like that,' he took the book and flip it over for good measures before he looked up at her and still smirking, 'It was amazing. I love it. Very you.'
The look of shock on her face was priceless but didn't last long as after that Five got to witness her first real smile since he found her here. He was wrong. It was so much better than the one on the back of her book. It was warm and honest and made her look like the most beautiful woman he ever saw.
He was close to fifteen, and the warmth that spread inside his chest as he watched her smile like this wasn't as embarrassing or shocking as it was when he twelve, and he heard her play the violin for the first time.
However, unlike then when he ran into his room and closed the door feeling it was too overwhelming and awkward to watch her while feeling like this, now, Five put his hand on her arm and kissed her cheek enjoying the surprised gaps that left her mouth and feeling relieved he was taller than her now as he said, 'Thanks, for writing this, Vanya.'
Whatever, she was going to say, she let go and with sighed nodded looking better despite the lack of food and everything in their life than she did in almost two years simply blooming by the fact that he, one of her siblings, understood and liked the book.
Five couldn't remember the first time, he fell in love with her, but he knew that by the age of thirteen he was definitely crushing on Vanya hard. His best guess was that moment when he was twelve, but even before that he always preferred Vanya or Seven back than to Allison. He denied it of course. He was a child, and anything other than discipline, following rules, and working on themselves to achieve greatness, was pointless in dad's eyes. He hid it well. He knew the others teased and whispered, but they did so about everyone all the time, so he supposed he hid it all well.
When he got stuck here, it was essential that he split the two Vanya's like the one, who was waiting for him back home and this one, in order to keep his anger and love for her in check. He couldn't hate the Vanya he left home. She was his dearest friend and crush, but he felt incredibly angry at the one who was with him here knowing she was the one who killed everyone. With time, he forgave her realizing it wasn't his place to be angry with her. It wasn't her fault. She didn't do so on purpose and more importantly, she was willing to be erased so he would succeed and make it home. With every day, every week, every month, and every year, this Vanya and the one Vanya he left home were blending into just Vanya, until he found himself almost forgetting the gap between them all together and just referring to them-her as Vanya in his mind. He couldn't split them when they were the same person, and if he made it back, it would still be Vanya. It would always be Vanya, and with her behavior, the way she spoke, her actions, Five could see it even now.
She was just Vanya, and she was the woman he fell in love with all over again or never stopped in the first place every time. He couldn't help himself, and with adding time he realized he didn't want to. Some people searched their whole life looking for someone who could be that person for them they could love and cherish forever. Five wasn't overly romantic or someone who liked to talk or deal with feelings, but even he had to admit, he felt unholy lucky to know he found that person in the same house, he grew up in.
'I'm in love with you,' he confessed to her on his eighteen birthday, as Vanya managed to find him a mostly in good shape blank notebook and some old color-box he could use to write in it.
At first, Five tried to be subtle about it for her sake. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable knowing Vanya would most likely not return his feelings when he was just a boy, and she was an adult woman. He didn't want to push her, but he knew with time and each failure of getting the correct equation, that it was more likely he would be stuck in here forever, and if that was the case, he didn't want to pretend in front of her any longer than he had to. They already had so little, how could he deny himself any more than that? He could have been stuck here with anyone or he could have been stuck here all alone. How lucky he was that he was here with the woman he loved since he was a child?
She didn't look surprised. He probably wasn't as good at keeping his feelings to himself, or Vanya simply knew him better than anyone.
He could also see that she wasn't happy about him confessing like that looking nervous like she was thinking up ways to let him down easily.
So he sighed and sat down next to her, 'I'm going to continue to love you. I would never force you if you don't feel the same, but I think if you let me and yourself you could.'
She looked away at the garden equipment he made her out of wood for the slowly spreading garden she started down the street where there used to be a park, 'Five, I…I know I would, but I can't.'
'There's no one here to stop us or judge us, Vanya,' he said not sure what argument to use when Vanya was revealing so little of what she thought of it. He wanted to argue and fight her on whatever objection, she might have. He didn't want to push her, but he was willing to do everything he could to show her this was what was right for them, and it was what he wanted for them.
She smiled to herself softly and a bit sad which made him want to take her hands and ease the sadness away, 'I used to wait for you with the lights on and peanut butter sandwiches with those little marshmallows you liked so much.' He knew. He read so in her book and craved them almost every day.
'But you didn't show up, and I moved on,' she said softly confirming that she felt something as well when they were kids.
'But we're here now. Both of us. We still have time,' he said, and she looked up at him her eyes exhausted and sorrowful, 'But you don't belong here. Five, this is my prison. My punishment. You need to find a way back, and stop me, stop this, remember? You promised you would.'
He put his hands over her cheeks forcing her to look at him.
He knew he made a promise, and that promised burnt him every time he looked at her and realized how much he loved her, and just the fact that one day, he would have to leave any version of her to a fate like this broke something inside him every time only to heal it whenever she would smile at or touch him. It wasn't a puzzle. Saving the world came first, but until then, why couldn't he have this? Why couldn't they be happy? Why everything had to always be sacrificed for a greater good? Dad was dead even longer than the apocalypse and yet the curse of the Umbrella Academy, of never putting one needs in front of the greater good or knowing love, floated upon them as if his ghost was haunting them all the time.
His voice was steady even if he felt he was losing his confidence with how nervous but not panicked she looked. It made him feel like a child again, 'I will. I told you, I would, and I will. I will go back and stop this from happening but while we're here. Why shouldn't we have this? We don't have anything but ourselves, Vanya.'
Whatever, she wanted to say next was cut off with his lips against hers in a sloppy kiss trying to show her how much he felt for her all through the years, all this time, always.
He didn't think he was good with expressing his emotions with words, but maybe he could be good at expressing them with his actions.
She kissed him back giving in slowly pressing against him showing him how she wanted him to touch her and hold her working through everything as they went.
He knew she had done this before, and it bothered him whenever he thought about this moment imagining, it might have been annoying for her to show him what to do or what she would like, even more since apart from the basic sex ed from mom and Diego's stupid magazines, he didn't have anything to use as guidance in this hellhole.
But as they started to undress, he forgot all about it, everything other than them and the moment fading away.
'I love you. I always loved you. Even when I hated you, it just blurred back into love and affection for you. All the guilt, jealousy, hate, anger, it always comes back to love when it comes to you. I can never hate you completely. All I can do is feel for you passionately and intensely blurring all the feelings and emotions back into love,' he never knew he could be so soft so honest, and raw but maybe that was just because he was with her and they were alone, together.
She shivered in his arms desperate for him, for something, for more.
He started to make love to her kissing away her tears and warming her body until her shiver would stop even if he knew it wasn't because of the cold that she trembled like that.
Afterward, as they laid together on the ground, she looked at him deep into the eyes, her hand pressed against his chest, over his heart, 'Promise me, you will put it first. Finding a way back, stopping this must come first. You won't stop trying to figure it out. Promise me, Five. If you have to choose between leaving me here and saving everyone, stopping this... You will make the right choice. Promise me.'
He put his hands over hers and promised a small part of him hoping he never would find a way to go back so he wouldn't have to break it knowing he made a huge mistake, but not sure he owed it to anyone to fix it.
Life, even in a wasteland with nothing and no one was more bearable when he could kiss her and touch her, stealing little pieces of happiness in the world of despair.
He liked to kiss her softly, lazily.
'You're stalling,' she accused him after she broke the kiss, her cheeks red and lips swallow. He knew it made her feel better as well when they were together even if she was more modest to admit it.
'I'm taking my time,' he said and kissed her again, 'Some things can't be rushed.'
She was right of course. He liked to stall those moments of peace and some joy as long as he could to last him throughout the misery. Privately, he knew Vanya did too since with time, she reminded him of his promise less and less.
When they were like this tangled and naked, Five liked to map her out, learn all there was about her body the same way he wanted to learn and know all there was about everything else in the world. He was always greedy for more knowledge.
He liked to settle between her legs any way he could with his cock, mouth, and fingers enjoying the taste and feel of her above anything else in the damn wasteland.
His favorite meal.
After he heard her wail and felt her tugging on his hair, he glanced up at her noticing the look in her eyes.
It was different.
It was lustful and unfocused caused by the pleasure and release he just gave her, but there was also something else, something he only while looking at her now realized applied to him as well.
Her eyes didn't look broken.
Every day, every hour, whenever Five looked at Vanya he saw the same pain he felt in his heart in the corner of her gaze. It didn't matter what they were doing or talking about, it was impossible to break free from it. It was impossible to forget or let it go.
But now, at that moment spread in front of him on her back with her legs over his shoulders Five could see that her eyes were free. Free of the haunting pain and guilt and everything in between.
He didn't think this was how it was supposed to be. That being intimate with each other, sex could fix people in any way. It shouldn't have worked like that, and it didn't. There was no fixing of any sort. But for those moments in each others' arms absorbed by their touches and kisses and heat, they shared everything broken inside them just faded away like a piece of useless clothing that they removed from each other's bodies. It became an unimportant part of them at that moment, so they just put it away leaving each other bare and free of everything that binned them, their worries, guilt, pain. All stripped away for those moments they could fill with heated kisses and abrupt or slow touches of their lovemaking ignorant to the world around them, for those brief moments at all at peace.
He felt free as well at that moment from his own horrors, mistakes, and guilt.
'Five-'
'I'm here,' he said and lowered her knees to settle himself between her legs cutting her moan in half with a kiss filled with nothing else but love. Nothing less nothing more.
Just love
By the time, Five turned forty, he almost all but completely abandoned his equations and calculations. It wasn't just because of Vanya as much as she tried to argue with him. It was the fact that despite their lives, there was only so much time he could give in to his own madness before he would get lost. More than twenty years had passed, and Five simply realized it couldn't have been done, at least not by him, and not anymore. He was lucky the first time and blew it. If he never left maybe the world could have been different, but he did, and this was what happened to it.
Vanya wasn't solely to blame, and neither was he, and at the moment, they were simply too old to dwell on that anymore, both just carrying on to the life they adapted to a long time ago.
He was too old and wise to pretend this wasn't a failure or a mistake. He wasn't a proud stubborn child anymore.
Usually, when they were together like this it revealed their love, passion, the need for release, comfort, or something to stop the boredom or the need to forget about the world they lived in.
Tonight, it felt tragic like a goodbye.
The moves and touches were the same, done over so many times, Five knew and adored them by heart, and yet everything inside him ached when she did them now.
'Five-'
He kissed her forgetting the world around them was completely gone yet again like so many other times when they made love like this. They were an old couple, together for over four and a half decades, lovers for four of those. Everything had its rhythm. Everything made sense.
Nothing should have made him want to stop hold her close and cry into her silver hair the way it did when she moaned into his ear burying her weak fingers into his shoulder.
Afterward, when they lay together, Five put his arms around her keeping her close as possible and secure. Not daring to fall asleep first fearing the worst.
'You should rest, the woman might come again tomorrow' she mumbled against his neck, and he closed his eyes.
The woman showed up, as the first person in almost forty-five years with a big smile covered in red as blood lipstick and a fancy dress. She offered to take him away for here and come work for her if he would leave Vanya behind. He couldn't agree with that. He wouldn't, and he made it clear to her, but then the woman smirked and looked behind him, and he knew Vanya heard everything.
'If she does I will convince her to take you with me.'
'Five,' she sighed but didn't say anything else for a long time. Too tired to argue or-
'-I will. She needs me. She wouldn't come all this way just to accept me saying no,' he said, but she didn't reply anything.
Five hold her firmer scared if he loosened his grip, she would be gone with the wind. How do you let someone you love more than anything in the world when they are the only person you have in the world, go?
Five didn't know, and he couldn't let her go. They were together for ages, and even before that he could always read her thoughts so well. They were born on the same day and grew up in the same house, and after he time-traveled the universe made him get stuck in the wasteland where she was the only one left alive. No one would ever convince him that they weren't meant for each other. That they weren't a perfect pair across all the time and space. Destined to be together like this in each other arms. Forever and always.
'Promise me, you will be here, when I wake up,' he closed his eyes feelings tears filling them. It felt so long since he last cried like this, maybe when he was a little boy, 'Promise me, Vanya.'
She leaned away from him to look at his face, 'I love you, Five. I've always loved you.'
He grabbed her face between his hands and just watched her in silence memorizing her face not able to convince himself this wouldn't be their last night. He knew the moment, they spent their first night together he wouldn't be able to let her disappear and leave him with memories she wouldn't share, so he just continued to love her and make love to her on borrowed time.
Desperately, he begged, 'Vanya, promise me, please.'
'Sometimes, I think I did it for you. To be with you. I killed the world, just to be with you again,' she continued to look into his eyes. Sometimes now more than before she would say the strangest things like that, 'How selfish, don't you think? Kill the world, destroy everyone and everything just to be with someone-'
'I would have done it for you,' he said and brushed her hair grabbing a hold of her face forcing her to look at him to convince her to say, to prove to her she was the most important person in the universe to him, 'In a heartbeat. I would kill everyone, destroy everything just to be with you, Vanya. Don't…please don't make me say goodbye to you. I didn't say it when I ran away the first time or ever since then…please, don't make me say it now.'
She smiled at him softly not a single worry or fear anywhere on her face, nothing but happiness, nothing else but love before she kissed him again long and deep.
'Don't say it,' she whispered against his lips, 'What do you need a goodbye for when you will see me soon? Meet me soon?' she asked with a smile pressed against his lips soaking with the tears that ran down his cheeks into their mouths.
She kissed him again, and it tasted salty like a tragedy and a promise of a new day.
When Five woke up alone, he didn't cry or call out her name.
He simply got up and walked to the place, she once told him, she buried all their siblings the first time they met so she would spare him from ever seeing their dead bodies.
Now, she did the same favor, as he found the freshly buried ground, and all her clothing nicely put together near it as if she would come back from a shower or skinny dipping to wear them again.
He asked her not to make him say goodbye, and she told him he would meet her again, so he didn't see a point in making one now.
He simply returned to the shelter awaiting the woman to come again with her offer.
However, he couldn't help but think he was wrong. When he first came, he thought Vanya was the enemy, the villain who caused the apocalypse and destroyed the world killing everyone.
Instead, Vanya was the hero who decided to sacrifice herself from the very start to save it.
The next time, they would meet, Five would make sure that it would be the first thing he would tell her before he would explain the rest of the story.
It took him some time. He had been together with Vanya for almost forty-five years every day, in the wasteland, and before that inside their childhood house for thirteen years. Being without her, was more traumatic for Five than anything else the Commission and the whole apocalypse all together threw at him. It felt like an open wound despite knowing, she was still there, alive, in a timeline he was trying to save.
After the initial missions and getting on the good side, the first time he broke the rules was when he went to see her concerts and auditions. He knew he couldn't talk to her yet or reveal himself. He needed to gain more power and trust in the Commission for everything to work as it should and for the world and their futures to be safe, but he couldn't help himself to at least see her especially when she was performing. It was one of the things he missed when they were in the wasteland the most. Hearing her play and to be able with his own ears to listen to the progress she was making. He wasn't disappointed. She was magnificent as he always knew she would be.
Sometimes, he sent her flowers, anonymously of course just to cheer her up. She told him how often she felt like she wasn't good enough and how down it made her feel.
When her book came out, he bought a copy and kept in his traveling suitcase at all times. He didn't need it. He still had the previous one, he used as a notebook for his equations, and of course, he knew it by heart now. Annoying her to no end, when he used to pull it out and read out loud the parts faking her voice.
'I don't sound like that! Who is that anyway?'
It always made her laugh, so it was worth it.
When the Handler came to confront him about it all, he knew she thought she had the upper hand, a proof to show to the board of directors that he wasn't as loyal as he claimed to be, maybe leverage or something to blackmail with, he let her soak on the moment a little longer before he murdered her looking into her eyes as he choked her, 'I know it couldn't have been done any other way. She couldn't have existed with her other self, and yet, I can't help but feel hate and disgust every time I see you. Quite irrational, don't you think?'
She never answered, and Five reported to the highest in command about the Handler's plan to assassinate them earning a raise and a promotion.
Who would have thought?
'Where is it?' Five asked calmly the man tied to a chair looking at him with tears in his eyes and piss running down his pants. The man was a pussy and gave away the location of dad's journal within twenty minutes of his arrival.
'I just wanted to be like you…if he hadn't-if he hadn't humiliated me,' Peabody tried to talk, explain, whatever, Five didn't care for his reasons. What good would they do now? He did what he did, hurt and manipulated Vanya and caused an apocalypse that forced her to suffer in guilt with him in hell for more than four decades.
'He humiliated us all the time that was what it meant to be like us,' said Five before he grabbed his jaw and took a kitchen knife to cut out of his tongues slowly while looking into the man's eyes, 'You shouldn't have even thought about crossing paths with her.'
The man tried to scream, Five knew, but the sound was barely noises, 'I want you to know you never had a chance with her anyway. Not when I'm here,' he smirked at the man with pride. He was his final obstacle now.
Five managed to overthrown, the previous board of directions and issued the erasing of the apocalypse. Lazy assholes. They just didn't want more history to deal with. He cut a pretty solid deal with the new people in charge and decided to cut all loose ends before he would make his way to Vanya in a grand way.
'Not when I can get her to blush all the way to her chest and scream louder than a banshee. Not when I can turn her into a desperately begging mess. I am the one who owns all her moans and all her sweet gasps, her smiles and laughs, and even her tears and groans of annoyance. Me. Not you or anyone else. Just me,' he said as he watched the man bleed out wondering what could Vanya ever see in a man like him in the first place. All jealousy leaving his body along with the blood leaving the other man's.
Then again, loneliness could do a funny thing to one's mind. He knew so better than anyone. Especially after he and Vanya parted.
It shouldn't have made him feel nervous like a fifteen-year-old boy on a first date, but it did.
It shouldn't have made him want to turn around and leave from the irrational fear of her rejection, but it did.
It shouldn't have made Five's heartbeat rise after all these years, but, well…it did.
When Vanya opened the door to her apartment, she looked puzzled before she made an awkward gesture and asked, 'Can I help you?'
She was stunning just as Five remembered her. All soft, lovely, kind, and caring just in the need of someone to do all those things for. The most beautiful person, he ever saw inside and out. Apocalypse or not.
And too good for him.
This Vanya never caused the apocalypse, and never would have. This Vanya was as pure as snow as she was when she was thirteen. Sweet and lovely. He would never deserve her like this. Not after all that he had done up until this point. Even the Vanya, the one he had left behind didn't know about what he had done for the Commission. She was perfect and innocent, and Five forgot every last thing he wanted to tell her at this moment just being able to see her this close.
'These are for you,' he said and handed her the flowers feeling like his voice belonged to someone else, 'Enjoy,' he finished before he turned around and started to leave.
There was a pause and then he heard the door close and rushed footsteps follow him, 'Wait, please!' her demand was desperate but when she spoke again her voice grew a bit hesitated, 'Can you turn around?'
She caught him on the stairs, so when he sighed and turned around, this way they were almost at the same height level as they were when he first found her in the apocalypse world.
She watched his face carefully with the flowers in her hands, 'Can you show me your left wrist?'
The corner of his lips jerked, but he forced himself not to smirk, 'Maybe that's not a good idea.'
She watched his face carefully for a moment before she asked a bit more confident again, 'Why?'
'I don't want you to be disappointed,' he said barely louder than a whisper as if he was afraid someone in her hallway would hear them.
Vanya pushed the flowers to her side holding them up against it with her arm before she took his hand, 'I was disappointed every morning when you didn't come home, and I found an untouched sandwich that I left for you.'
She revealed the tattoo on his wrist looking at it for a moment before, he saw the corner of her lips move into a small smile her voice sounding more alive and cheerful just like it had in the apocalypse whenever they caught a break between their daily struggles, just being too fools in love nothing else mattering, 'Welcome home, Five.'
He grabbed her before she looked up at him properly and kissed her feeling for the first time like himself ever since their last kiss before she was gone.
'Can we pick up where we left off?' he asked her when he broke the kiss holding her closer as she seemed weak on her feet the flowers somewhere on the stairs under them.
'Left off?' she asked dizzily.
'Well, maybe we can skip a few steps,' Five said and kissed his cheek forgetting how long it had been since he felt her skin this soft. It felt hypnotic and ecstatic to be able to talk to her and hold her close like this. How long it had been? It felt like forever. It felt like torture. He suffered through hell, and yet with her by his side, it was like paradise, but being without her was his worst personal punishment.
'We are adults, after all, no point in pretending to be blushing virgins,' he allowed himself to smirk feeling how she shivered against his touch.
'What do you say, darling?' he moved his lips against her ear and whispered the nickname rolling out of his tongue with ease. It felt so natural. She was still Vanya after all. Yes, he could love her again, he still loved her, and she could fall in love with him again.
When he leaned away, she was still blushing, but she looked less in shock as she reached her hand and ran her fingers over his mustache, 'This is new.'
'Do you like it?' he asked instead of what he meant to ask and know-
-do you like how I look?
All of me?
She smiled tenderly just as he remembered. His precious Vanya.
His first and his last and his every other in between those two love.
'It suits you,' she said, and he could see behind her chestnut brown eyes she wasn't just trying to be nice. She meant it. She was always honest with him. He knew that.
He brushed her hair. It had been a whole since it was this brown. He grew fond of the grey one, but he still remembered how warm this one looked, 'I'm an old man.'
She showed him her teeth as she widened the smile causing everything inside him to warm up, 'You always were an old man on the inside, Five.'
'True,' he leaned closer, 'but also I'm not old in where it counts,' he said smugly. Killing people, running, fighting, making love to her. The list could have gone on and into specifics. Instead, however, he brought his index finger under her chin and lift her head up to plant a small kiss to her lips, chastiser compare to the previous ones, 'Will you allow me to show you, dear Vanya? Can you forgive me that I left without a goodbye?'
Again
She opened her big brown eyes after the kiss and without any hesitation answered, 'Yes, Five, of course, I can. Besides how can it be a goodbye if we meet again?'
He smiled at her leaning closer forgetting everything else just enjoying the fact that they were together again over fifty-eight years and counting.
A.N: Thank you for your support and reading. I hope everyone is doing okay and is safe. Also Luz this is the fic I wrote to you about in the comments, so I hope you liked it as much as my other Apocalypse stories :) Also happy Fiveya week 2020 everyone :) Yaay!