A/N: Hello! I have lots of things to say. First, good news- the first Maxon outtake was posted last night! I'm not going to have a regular updating schedule for those. I'll mainly post them if it's closely intertwined with the PtG chapter I post in a week, or if a PtG chapter is short or mainly fluff and not a lot of plot. Kind of like a "Hey look here's a shiny thing, don't be mad about the other thing over here". A distraction, if you will. There's technically two Maxon POVs posted, but one is... weird. The official Maxon outtakes will be under "How the Boy Became a Man" and the... special one is called "I Decide When I'm Done". Also, are you guys getting emails when I update? I ask because I used to and now I don't, and views have TANKED, so I can start an email list if you all want. Lastly, I like this chapter A LOT. Sorry, that was super long. Thanks for reading!
The next morning, while Mary is twisting my hair up, there is a knock on the door. Lucy opens the door to reveal a guard who bows to me and delivers it. I thank him and unfold the small piece of paper slowly.
I gasp just as Mary misjudges her strength with a hairpin, but that's not why.
"I'm so sorry, miss," she apologizes.
"Oh, no," I wave her away. "That's fine. This note… the queen wants to see me privately after breakfast. It startled me."
"Oh!" Anne says. "Here, let me change your dress. I have the perfect thing."
"That's alright," I wave her off. "She knows I'm not queen material yet."
"That doesn't mean you can't show her that you are," Lucy says firmly, pulling out makeup from the drawers of my vanity.
I laugh at all of them as Mary unwinds the twists of hair pinned to my head to re-braid and re-pin.
I close my eyes and let them do what they will, and don't really look in the mirror until after Mary has zipped me into the other dress.
"Woah."
Mary has woven braids around my head like a crown and wound microscopic strands of gold thread through them. There's a shimmer, but not enough to tell exactly what it is. Lucy kept my makeup simple, but perfect, as always. I look like me, but my eyes are bluer and bigger, my cheeks a little pinker, my skin a little smoother, and my lips a little darker.
"Anne, you are far too good to be making dresses for just me," I say, once I'm able to take in exactly what I'm wearing.
The light gray dress seems to be a strapless, sweetheart neckline to my knees, with a layer of lace over the whole thing, coming up to a high collar around my throat. There's a row of buttons down the front, a belt cinching my waist, and small little cap sleeves.
She gently sets a pair of soft navy blue ballet flats on the floor in front of me, and hands me a pair of gold studs in the shape of stars.
"There is no one I'd rather be sewing for than the future queen of Illéa," she says with a wink.
I blush, slipping the posts through my ear lobes. "I'm not the princess yet," I mumble.
"Yes, miss," Mary says, dipping into a curtsy with Lucy and Anne, then shutting the door softly behind them.
I spend another moment admiring myself in the mirror. How did I end up here? Six months ago, I would have called you insane if you told me this is where I'd be.
I shake my head, gently, so I don't disturb my braids, and make my way down to breakfast.
Everyone is subdued, though everyone but Natalie finds the energy to side-eye the way I'm dressed. Queen Amberly doesn't join us, but that isn't surprising. We trek to the Women's Room once we are all finished, Kriss staying as far away from me as possible, spreading around the room without speaking to each other.
After fiddling with a pen and piece of paper for a few minutes, I excuse myself. I'm not sure what they think I'm doing, but I doubt that spending time with the queen is it.
I remember the turns down the hallways, but once I reach the hall with the royal offices, I'm not sure which door is hers. Silvia comes around the corner, and suddenly I feel very out of place.
"Lady America!" she says, eyebrows ever so slightly raised. "Are you looking for something?"
"I-um, Her Majesty asked to see me, and I'm not sure which office is hers."
"Oh." The eyebrows raise just a fraction higher. "I'm on my way there. Follow me."
"Thank you," I say genuinely. I wasn't about to start knocking on random doors.
She quickly guides us towards a door towards the middle of the hallway. She knocks briskly, enters, and falls into a curtsy in one motion. I'm so astounded by the grace and confidence that required that I nearly forget to curtsy myself, but remember at the last second.
"Ah, Lady America!" Queen Amberly says as she from behind her desk. "Thank you, Silvia," she says, taking the stack of papers Silvia is carrying. "Lady America, I find that my headaches are often helped by soft music, and I feel that I may have one today. Would you mind playing for me throughout the day?"
"Of course not, Your Majesty," I say, startled. I thought she wanted to talk about Maxon or something, but I guess not.
"Excellent. I imagine it would be difficult to get a piano in here, so I presume the violin would be best?"
"Yes, I agree," I say, still dazed.
"Silvia, would you mind fetching one from the music room?"
"Of course, Your Majesty," Silvia says, gracefully ducking into a curtsy and out of the room.
"Now, then," Queen Amberly says, settling back in her chair, gesturing for me to sit in front of her. "Thank you for coming. I very much appreciated your note. That was kind of you."
"Oh- you're welcome," I say, blushing again. "I just thought, we're all so nervous, you must be so much more worried."
"Yes and no," she says with a small smile. "Of course, I am very worried, simply because I worry when they're both far away, but I'm used to it, and I'm privy to a few more details than you are. I promise they'll be alright." She smiles warmly, and I do feel better. I need to get used to this, after all.
"I do need to warn you about something- I will be working while you're here, and as such, you may hear things that wouldn't otherwise be shared with you. I expect your complete discretion," she says seriously, but with a small little smile.
Oh. This is like secret queen training.
"Of course," I say. I'm suddenly more aware of my posture than I was before, crossing my ankles and delicately folding my hands in my lap. "I would never say anything."
"I'm sure. Of course, you can share anything with Maxon, there's no need to hide any of this from him."
I nod, and Silvia enters the room again, carrying a violin case with a music stand and some sheet music tucked under her arm.
I take them from her, and set up in a corner, softly tuning the violin. The queen and Silvia begin speaking softly, something about plans for the Christmas party, it seems. I play soft music, lullabies and hymns, mainly. Thankfully, I've played them all so many times that I can focus on playing and watching Queen Amberly at the same time.
She is amazing.
I mean, I knew that. We all knew that. But watching her handle Silvia, plan menus and parties while also making sure the palace is being run correctly and fielding questions from advisors and a few briefings for things that the king can't handle while abroad is… awe-inspiring. She never speaks shortly or gets frustrated; she is the epitome grace and composure.
I'm so focused on taking in everything I possibly can from her that I hardly notice the soreness in my arm, or the beginnings of cramps in my fingers until I find it difficult to keep time in a slower piece. I pull more focus to playing, which irritates me a little, but a glance at the clock tells me I've been playing for several hours. Not continuously, I've taken breaks when the queen has stepped outside or gone to someone else's office, and I have a bottle of water, but it's still been a long time.
Queen Amberly looks up at me as a song comes to a close, then glances at the clock.
"I'm sorry, Lady America, I didn't realize how long we'd been here. You can go, if you like, though I have truly enjoyed your playing. You are extremely talented," she says warmly.
"Thank you, Your Majesty." I bite my lip for a second, debating. I want to stay and watch, but I am exhausted. I'm not sure how much longer I could play without making mistakes.
"America," she says, looking at me with a smile. "Go. There will be plenty of time for you to learn later. I really am sorry, I didn't mean to keep you this long. Thank you; it was beautiful. I enjoyed having you here." She gets out of her chair to come grasp my hand. "We will work together much more in a month or two."
I blush and start gathering up the sheet music. "I- I'm excited for that, Your Majesty."
"As am I, sweetheart," she says, returning to her papers.
I curtsy as I exit and go return the violin to the music room. I go back to my room to retrieve the book Silvia gave me and then walk back to the Women's Room. When I get there, I find Natalie and Kriss both bent over a jigsaw puzzle, Elise with her journals, and Celeste flipping through magazines again. If they say anything about me, I don't want to hear it.
"Where have you been all morning?" Celeste asks bluntly.
"Just wandering," I say quickly. "Through the gardens, around the palace a little. I needed to clear my mind."
She huffs. "We haven't seen you for hours. Sure you weren't sneaking off with a guard?"
My fingernails dig into my palm, but I sit down in a chair across the room from her and open my book. I look up to see Elise watching me with narrowed eyes, and she comes over to sit closer to me.
"That looks interesting," she says, gesturing to the tome about the history of the Russian Federation.
"Not really, but it never hurts to learn something."
"Hm. What made you decide to learn about Russia?" she asks, too level to be casual.
"I asked Silvia for lessons," I decide to say. "I know I have the most to learn out of all of us, so I might as well get help while I can." There, that makes it seem like I think I'm leaving.
Elise nods. "That's smart of you. Maybe I should do some reading like that, too."
"You know where the library is," I say, a bit too cheerfully.
Elise gives a smile, but it looks like it pains her. She goes back to her journals, but Kriss and Celeste are still glaring holes through my head.
They're all going to hate me.
~PtG~
I take all my meals in my room for the next two days, managing to avoid everyone until dinner on Wednesday. I've thought of several things to say if Maxon or my morning with the Queen come up again. I hate lying. I don't think I'll feel so awkward around them all, now that I'm more prepared.
Unfortunately, I'm wrong. We all exchange quiet smiles, but I can't bring myself to speak. I wish I could sit alone, but the table set up forces us all to sit facing each other with the queen at the head of the table. We are all silent.
Just before dessert is served, Silvia comes in sprinting as fast as her heeled shoes can carry her. Her curtsy is particularly brief before she makes her way to the queen and whispers something to her.
The queen gasps and runs with Silvia out of the room leaving us alone.
We've been taught never to raise our voices, but in the moment we can't help ourselves.
"Does anyone know what's going on?" Celeste calls, abnormally concerned.
"You don't think they're hurt, so you?" Elise says,
"Oh, no," Kriss breathes, and puts her head down on the table.
"It's okay, Kriss. Have some pie," Natalie.
I find myself speechless, afraid to even think about what this could mean.
"What if they were captured?" Kriss worries aloud.
"I don't think the New Asians would do that," Elise says, though I can see she is worried. I'm not sure if her concern is strictly for Maxon's safety or because any aggression on the part of the people she has a connection with will ruin her chances.
"What if their plane went down?" Celeste says quietly.
She looks up, and I am surprised to see genuine fear on her face. It is enough to silence us all.
My dream…
What if Maxon is dead?
Queen Amberly returns with Silvia in tow and we all watch her eagerly. To our intense relief, she is beaming.
"Good news, ladies. The king and prince will be home tonight!" she sings.
I let out a cry, louder than I meant, but not obnoxiously so. Natalie claps as Kriss and I both fall back into our chairs. I didn't realize how tense my body was for those few minutes.
Silvia chimes in. "Since they've had such an intense few days, we've decided to forgo any big celebration. Depending on when they leave New Asia, we might not even see them before bedtime."
"Thank you, Silvia," the queen says patiently. Really, who cares? "Forgive me, ladies, but I have some work to do. Please enjoy your desserts and have a lovely night," she says, then turns and flies out the door.
Kriss leaves just seconds later. Maybe she is making a welcome home card.
After that I eat quickly and make my way back upstairs. As I'm walking down the hall toward my room, I see a little flash of blond hair under a white cap and the fluttering black skirt of a maid's uniform running toward the far-side stairs. It is Lucy, and it sounds like she is crying. She seems so determined to get away unnoticed that I decide not to call out after her. Rounding the corner to my room, I see that my door is wide-open. Without it to block their voices, Anne and Mary's argument spills out into the hallway where I overhear everything.
"- why do you always have to be so hard on her," Mary complains.
"What was I supposed to tell her? That she can have whatever she wants?" Anne shoots back.
"Yes! What would the harm be in simply saying you had faith in her?"
What is going on? Is this why they have all seemed so distant lately?
"She aims too high!" Anne accuses. "It would be unkind of me to give her false hope."
Mary's voice bleeds with sarcasm. "Oh, and everything you told her was so kind. You're just bitter!" she accuses.
"What?" Anne lashes back.
"You're bitter. You can't stand that she might be closer to something you want than you are," Mary yells. "You've always looked down on Lucy because she wasn't raised at the palace as long as you were, and you've been jealous of me because I was born here. Why can't you be happy with who you are instead of stepping on her to make yourself feel better?"
"That's not what I was trying to do!" Anne says, her voice breaking.
The tight sobs are enough to silence Mary. It would stop me, too. Anne crying seems like an impossibility.
"Is it so bad that I want more than this?" she asks, her voice thick with tears. "I understand that this position is an honor, and I'm glad to do my job, but I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I want more. I want a husband. I want…" She is finally overcome by her sadness.
My heart breaks into a thousand pieces. The only way for Anne to get out of this job is to marry her way out. And it isn't like a slew of Threes or Fours are going to parade down the palace halls looking for a maid to take as a wife. She really is stuck.
I sigh, steady myself, and enter the room.
"Lady America," Mary says with a curtsy, and Anne follows. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her feverishly mopping the tears off her face.
Given her pride, I don't think acknowledging them is a good thing, so I stride past the both of them to the mirror.
"How are you?" Mary continues,
"Really tired. I think I'll be going to bed right away," I say, focusing on the pins on my hair. "You know what? Why don't you both go relax? I can take care of myself."
"Are you sure, miss?" Anne asks, trying so hard to keep her voice composed.
"Very. I'll see you all tomorrow."
They don't need any more encouragement than that, and thank goodness. I don't want them to take care of me right now any more than they probably feel like it. Once I manage to get out of my dress, I lay in bed for a long time thinking of Maxon.
I'm not even sure exactly what I am thinking about him. It is all slightly vague and unfixed, but I keep flashing back to my overwhelming happiness whenever we are together. Well. Most of the time we're together.
I toss for hours, completely unsettled. At about one in the morning, I figured that if I can't sleep, I might as well read. I turn on the lamp and go over to my armchair with the book about the Russian Federation. It turns out to be exactly what I need, because I'm asleep in minutes. Until, that is, I feel something small and hard hit my forehead.
I blink heavily. What was that? I look around to see what hit me, but before I can find it, something else comes flying through my window that I'd opened for a breeze. I bend down and pick up a small piece of gravel.
What on earth?
I go over to the window carefully. It could be rebels. I don't want to get shot right before Maxon gets back.
I peek through the corner of the window, and see Maxon standing there, shirt untucked, no jacket, camera around his neck. I laugh, and lean my torso out the window.
Maxon is grinning as he tugs his ear and I am too as I do the same. I point to him and then my room. He shakes his head and points to me, then himself, then his own balcony. I nod, and he trots off back inside.
I quickly check my hair, rearranging some of the bed head that comes with sleeping in a chair for who knows how long. I slip my robe on and tiptoe out the door. I know that none of the girls have rooms close enough to me for this to wake them up, but I don't want to take any chances.
I give the guard outside my door a weak smile.
"Would you like an escort, Lady America?" he asks, well used to my nighttime forays up to the third floor. Maxon made sure to tell the guards I was welcome up there any time I wanted. He must know Maxon's home, but I wonder if he would let me up even if he didn't.
I shake my head. "No, thank you. I'll be alright."
I know that it'll take Maxon longer to get to his room than it will take me, so I walk slowly. The eyes of every portrait seem to be following me as I walk down the echoing halls, but I find that it's more comforting than intimidating. I may be small, but other people have lived here, and Maxon came from them, so they can't have been all bad. I'll belong here someday. Maybe not now, but soon. And no one will ever doubt it.
A/N: Forgot to mention this, but I've decided to send little sneak peeks of the next chapter to reviewers every week! Only if you're signed in, though, so leave me some love :)