Chapter 9
I Don't Want to Be Here Anymore, Rise Against
Hey Hey, My My, Battleme
*Link to YouTube playlist in chapter 1.
**Fiddling was had. All mistakes are mine.
***Fundraiser news at the bottom!
October 2010 through May 2011
Bella
It's a Monday morning in late October when I walk through the doors of the school, already tired from my walk to school. I've been saving up to buy a set of wheels, but for now, I'm still walking each day. I ignore the stares and whispers I encounter every morning and go straight to my locker. As I unload my backpack, I check my cell phone for messages. I was hoping Alice would have replied by now, but she's managed to avoid me for the entire weekend.
I slam my locker closed and turn around, meeting more than the usual number of eyes. Combined with Alice's avoidance of me the last few days, it's enough to make me worried there's a connection between the two. Maybe there was an accident and Edward was hurt. It's the kind of news that would travel at lightning speed in this tiny town. My stomach ties itself in a knot at the thought.
Putting my head down, I navigate through the crowded hallway. But the closer I get to my first period class, the louder the whispers get. It takes a moment for the words I hear to actually register.
"She's definitely an upgrade from Swan."
"I heard they were getting married."
"Cullen knocked up Angela Weber."
My steps slow, and as I stare down at the tiled floor, spots cloud my vision. My mouth goes dry, and my skin breaks out in a cold sweat. My only thought is to get to the nearest girls' bathroom so I don't pass out in the hallway.
"They met at a party and got wasted. Somebody saw Eddie puke in the Millers' hedges."
A mocking laugh follows, and I have to force my suddenly-too-heavy feet to move faster.
Alice comes out of nowhere and loops her arm through mine. "Come on," she says, tugging me toward the girls' bathroom.
"Wha ..." I lick my lips, stumbling over my own feet, trying to keep up as she pulls me along. "Where are you taking me?"
She looks at me, and her expression—sad eyes full of pity—makes my heart pound harder. She opens her mouth, probably to reassure me, but she shakes her head and pulls me into the bathroom.
I twist out of her grasp and walk to the sinks, leaning over them. My hands grip the edge of the porcelain as I try to steady myself. I squeeze my eyes closed and try to breathe through the panic welling inside me.
"Is it true?" I ask, my voice trembling as badly as my body.
Alice is silent, and the only sounds ringing in my ears are those coming from the busy hallway.
When I turn to meet her eyes, I crumble.
The harsh reality slams into me with the force of a monsoon. Even though I thought it was painful when Edward told me we couldn't be together, it was nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling now. His betrayal slices through me, leaving my heart gaping and bleeding.
It's like my whole world has flipped on its axis, and everything that was up is now down.
Everything I thought was true—that he loved me, that we'd someday be together—was a lie. He not only slept with someone else, but he's going to have a child with someone else. A future I thought we'd share is now someone else's. Any dream I had of making it until my birthday, holding out until we could be together again, has been crushed in the blink of an eye.
My legs give out underneath me, and I sink to the dirty bathroom floor. As my eyes fill with tears, my throat tightens, and I feel like my lungs are collapsing, leaving me gasping for breath. Alice rushes to my side and holds me, rocking us back and forth in a vain attempt to calm me.
As the bell for first period rings, the last bit of hope I had that Edward and I would find our way back to each other shatters.
Most days it's all I can do to get out of bed. I try to keep my distance from Alice at school; I even ignore her calls. Maybe I'm being childish, but I'm still hurt she didn't tell me herself about the baby.
The weeks bleed into months, and the holidays pass like any other days for me. Ringing in the new year consists of watching Friends reruns and stuffing my face with brownies. In a moment of hopeful optimism, I make a resolution. I vow to myself to try, to put one foot in front of the other and just ... try.
The day before classes resume, I finally take off the chain I've been wearing around my neck for the last six months, the one carrying the ring Edward gave me over a year ago. It's quietly tucked away in my mother's jewelry box. As my fingertips ghost over the pieces inside it, I realize everything the box holds are memories that make me both smile and cry. But I don't linger long, snapping the lid closed on the past and all the memories that go with it.
The second semester of senior year is no better than the first, and I do my best to keep my head down and do what's required to graduate. I know I should make more of an effort, but my chances for scholarships are over. My grades have never been good enough to qualify for one anyway. And I certainly don't have the money to go to school anywhere.
Making a plan for after graduation should be more of a priority, but it's not. Other than getting a job that pays enough to rent a room or studio apartment somewhere, I have no big aspirations.
Alice's eighteenth birthday is celebrated in typical Alice fashion with a big party, and for the first time, I feel out of place around her. Friends and family fill the Cullens' house while I do my best to fade into the background.
"Edward isn't here," she says, pulling me toward the patio doors. She doesn't need to tell me; I saw him leave on his bike when I arrived. He didn't see me, but watching him hug his sister goodbye and ride away left me unsettled. "I told him I wanted you here, and he knew you wouldn't stick around if he were here."
"Thanks, Ali."
Esme watches me like a hawk during the party, even though I stay on the sidelines. The most she says to me, outside of her cool greeting at the front door, is to ask where I'm going to school after graduation. When I try to politely tell her I don't think I'll be going to school in the fall, she doesn't drop the subject.
"There are some decent community colleges in Phoenix. And I've heard California State is affordable. Yes, you should definitely check into that. Wouldn't California be a great change?"
As I stare at the woman who I used to think of as a motherly figure, I feel a different kind of betrayal. Esme once welcomed me into her family. I once felt like I could go to her, and she'd be there for me. The way she looks at me now, like she wishes I'd just disappear, it makes me wonder what changed in the months since Edward and I were together. My father may have threatened to arrest Edward, but she has to know I had nothing to do with it, that it wasn't my choice.
She's not the same woman I thought I knew.
"I'll have to look into it," I mumble, grabbing a bottle of water and heading back outside to watch Alice open her presents.
It's the last time I visit the Cullens' house for weeks.
I make the mistake of visiting again in early March, and Esme has Angela Weber's ultrasound pictures proudly displayed on the refrigerator next to the invitation for her baby shower. Staring at the fuzzy image and the words "It's a boy!" written in the corner of the picture is too much to handle. I give Alice the excuse that I'm not feeling well and take off for home, vowing not to go back.
By April, I've saved almost enough to buy a beater car, even though I don't have my permit yet. Charlie hasn't offered to take me to get it, and I'm not going to ask him. My plan is to hit the MVD the day I turn eighteen.
Only five months to go.
Standing at the window, I watch the rain fall. The steady raindrops gather into puddles, and it's almost hypnotic.
"You're not walking home in this, are you?" Mrs. Clearwater asks from behind the ice cream store counter.
I look back at her over my shoulder and smile, holding my jacket out for her to see. "I'll be fine. I've got my raincoat. It's not all that far."
"I wish you'd let me take you home."
"It's okay. I don't want you to have to close up just to drive me. It's really not a big deal."
She looks displeased but doesn't say anything other than, "Just be careful, Bella."
I stuff my arms into the sleeves and pull the hood over my head before stepping through the door into the rain. Traffic passes me by, but I don't pay it any attention. I walk along the sidewalk with my head down.
A very familiar rumble grows louder over the din of the rain until it's right alongside me ... until I can't ignore it. And when Edward shouts through the window, my feet move faster.
"Get in the car, Bella."
"I'm fine," I shout over the rain, my head lowered as I stomp down the sidewalk, determined to get home without speaking to him.
"Don't make me get out and make you get in the car."
Anger pulses through me, and finally spills over, escaping my throat in a strangled cry. I stop walking and turn to meet his tortured gaze through the crack in the window. Rage vibrates in my bones, and I know he can see it.
I yank the passenger door open and slide into the seat, crossing my arms over my chest. "Just take me home."
He slowly pulls away from the curb, and we ride along in silence. He's distracted, driving slower than he usually does, and the longer I sit beside him, the more difficult it is to be this close to him. This is the nearest I've been to him in months. The urge to reach out and touch him, to beg him to take me back, is strong.
Then I think about why we're sitting here, physically separated by mere inches but feeling like we've never been further apart.
"You're gonna be a dad," I finally croak.
He nods, swallowing and licking his lips before speaking. "Yeah." He steers the car to the side of the road. As does, the tears I've kept at bay burn my eyes, and I sniff back the moisture now running from my nose.
"He'll be here in about a month," he says, his voice cracking.
I nod and slowly turn to face him. "Guess that changes things."
"Yeah, it does."
Again, I nod, looking down at my lap. A question burns in my brain, and I know if I don't ask it, it'll eat away at me. "Are you with her?"
"No, Bella. We're not together. I can't ..." He shakes his head. "It wasn't like that."
"So, it was a fuck and duck?"
He doesn't reply.
Rain continues to pound on the roof and windshield, the dull patters drowning out everything else. His fingers flex, and he shifts in his seat. It's more than obvious he's uncomfortable, but I'm in no hurry to make him feel better. If anything, he's not uncomfortable enough.
"You need to move on and forget about us," he finally says, his voice not much more than a strangled whisper.
Indignation burns through my veins. My pulse races, and I want to scream at him, to shake him and ask him why he thinks he has the right to make that decision for me. I want to slap him until he feels an ounce of the pain he's caused me, but I can't do it.
If he doesn't want me, doesn't want to wait for me, there's nothing I can do to make him.
With blurry vision, I turn to him. "Oh, believe me, I'm trying to." I blink, and the gathered tears roll down my cheeks. "I know when I'm not wanted. I'm well acquainted with rejection."
I reach for the door handle, but he grabs me arm. "Wait."
I look over my shoulder at him and narrow my eyes. "Take your hand off me."
"Do you have any idea—" He lets go of my arm and rubs at his eyes. "My life is about to change in ways I know I'm not ready for. I can't ... I can't ask you to stick around through all of that. And to be honest, I really need to focus on my ... my son."
My stare never leaves him, but I say nothing. Visions of him and the faceless girl he fucked swirl in my mind, making my stomach churn and my shattered heart clench.
It makes me want to hate him for what he did to us.
"And you should be focusing on school ... what you're going to do after graduation. That's only a couple months away, right? You should get out of here, go make a life for yourself in a big city. This place was always too small for you. Go live your life, Bella."
I laugh then, a soulless sound that comes from the hollow place in my heart. "Thanks for the ride, Edward." I reach for the door handle, turning to look at him as I pull. "It's been real." Without another word, I slip out of the car and into the rain, turning my back on Edward for the last time.
The following weeks pass in a hazy blur. I get up, go to school and work, and then come home to collapse. I'm still not speaking to Charlie unless it's absolutely necessary, and he stays out of my way.
Since I started working, he's backed off about needing to know my every move. Each paycheck gets cashed, and the money gets tucked away in a shoebox in my closet.
I still get distracted by the sound of the bikes when the club passes by the store, and I could swear I've seen Edward's bike slow down more than once as he rides past. But when that happens, I force myself to look away from the window.
Masen makes frequent stops through the week after his shift, ordering whatever our flavor of the week is. He entertains me with stories about customers and their sometimes ridiculous demands. And as much as I might resist, I can't help but smile when he's around.
Today he's here after his shift, leaning over the glass case to inspect the flavors, even though they're the same ones we've had all week. Meanwhile, I'm inspecting the shiny new toy parked at the curb outside the store.
"New wheels?" I ask him.
"Hmm?" he hums before looking up. "Oh, yeah. Bought it yesterday." His smile is blinding.
"What is it? It's not a Harley, right?"
"No, it's a Honda Shadow 750." His smile fades, just a little, and for some reason it bothers me to see it slip.
"I really like it. I like the color. Is it blue or black? It's hard to tell from here."
His eyes light up, and his smile is back. "It's blue, but really dark. You should see the flecks in the paint in the sunlight. It's lit."
His excitement is palpable ... and contagious, and I can't help but grin right along with him. "Well, congrats. I know you were talking about buying one last summer, so I'm happy for you, Mase."
"Thanks."
"Make up your mind yet?" I ask, directing his attention back to the case of frozen dessert.
"Oh, right." He turns back to the ice cream, humming as he absentmindedly pulls the pendant on the chain around his neck back and forth. "I think I want something fruity." His bright blue eyes meet mine. "Any suggestions?"
"The blueberry cheesecake is really good."
"Then I'll take a scoop of that, please. A cup this time."
I grab a cup from the stack and lean into the freezer case, scooping the ice cream. "You know, you're gonna get fat if you keep dropping by here." I scoop up just a little extra and smoosh it into the cup before handing it over to him. "You've been here three times this week alone."
I walk toward the register, and he follows on his side of the counter, grinning. "Nah. You should see how much I sweat off through the day." His grin widens, and he puffs up just a little. "Been workin' out, too." He picks up the spoon and slides it in his mouth, flipping it over and pulling it out slowly.
I blink and shake my head. "That's two forty-nine today."
He scoops up another spoonful of ice cream and shoves it in his mouth before using his free hand to pull three singles from his pocket. And like every other time, when I hand back his change, he dumps it in the tip jar.
Pulling the spoon from his mouth, his grin reappears. "Hey, Bella?"
I'm already laughing, knowing what's coming next. He's done this every time he stops by. "What, Masen?"
"Did you know a slice of apple pie is two-fifty in Jamaica and three bucks in the Bahamas?"
I smile, waiting for the ridiculous punchline. "No, I did not know that."
"Yeah, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean."
I can't help but groan and giggle, and his smile only widens. "That's the worst one this week."
"I know."
The bell over the door rings, and a family comes in with their two little kids, putting an end to our conversation. Since I'm the only one working until Mrs. Clearwater gets back from a quick errand, I head back to my station to serve them.
"Hey, Bella, I'm gonna take off," he says as he walks backward out of the store, winking and jerking his chin at me when I look his way.
Weeks pass this way. His stops at the store and his goofy dad jokes come to be something I look forward to. It's safe, too. He stays on his side of the counter, and I stay on mine. It's a friendly face without the complication of old ghosts.
My friendship with Alice has been strained since her birthday party. With her nephew set to make an appearance in a matter of days, she's distracted and won't stop talking about it. And I get it; she's excited. But every time she talks about him or wants to tell me about some toy or clothes she bought for him, I die a little more inside.
And really, there's not much left to kill.
When Masen is waiting for me in the school parking lot before class starts on a Thursday morning in May, I'm surprised to see him. His new-to-him bike is parked in a shady spot at the far end of the lot, staying cool out of the direct sun.
"Hey." My smile matches his as I walk toward him. "What are you doing here?" I ask, pulling my backpack strap higher on my shoulder.
"Feel like skipping today?"
I look toward the school building and back to him, skeptical. "Maybe. Why?"
He shrugs. "Just thought you might want to go for a ride."
I glance at the bike and back to him. "Really? Have you had a passenger before?"
He must see the hesitation in my eyes, because he laughs. "Yes, Bella, I have. What's wrong? Don't you trust me?"
"Should I?"
"It'll be fine. Here," he says, thrusting a half helmet into my hands. "Put this on and get on." He slings his long leg over the seat and looks over his shoulder. "You coming?"
I look down at the helmet in my hand and then to my exposed legs, my shorts not quite reaching my knees. "I'm not dressed for it, Mase."
"I promise not to pull any daredevil shit. I just think some fresh air could do us both some good."
I take a deep breath and nod. "Okay."
I pull my sunglasses from the pocket of my backpack and put them on before strapping the helmet into place. But when I step toward the bike, I stop short, realizing this will be the first time I'll be this close to him.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine." I shake off my hesitation and put my hand on his shoulder, using it to balance as I climb onto the seat.
"Ready?"
"Yeah."
He kicks up the kickstand and switches on the ignition. "Hold on," he says over the engine, and then we're off.
My arms slide around his waist, and while it may feel a bit strange to touch him at first, it doesn't take long for me to relax and actually enjoy the ride. He sticks to his word, taking the turns and curves in the road slow and easy. And even though he's only had this bike a handful of weeks, he seems to already know its limits.
He rides a lot farther than I'm expecting him to, and we end up heading toward Ramsey Canyon.
"What are we doing out here?" I shout over the wind and engine noise.
"You'll see."
Eventually, we pull into the lot and park. Masen puts the kickstand down and removes his own helmet. "Feel like taking a walk?"
"Um, okay. Sure."
"Watch the pipes. They're hot." He holds out a hand to help me off the bike before dismounting himself. "It's been a while since I've been out here, but I think the trail is this way," he says, pointing toward a break in the trees.
He pays our entrance fee at the visitor's center, and we walk alongside each other in relative silence. Since it's still early, there aren't too many people here yet, so we pretty much have the trail to ourselves.
The birds flit around over our heads, and the trees are full of leaves. Late spring means the forest is full of life and color, and it's a beautiful sight. I'd be content to stay out here all day. And Masen is pretty good company. But when nearly ten minutes pass and I realize he's not made a single silly joke or even said a single word, I get suspicious.
"So, wanna tell me what's really up?"
The corner of his mouth lifts. "Can't get anything past you, can I?"
I stop walking. "What's going on?"
He sighs and holds out his hand. "Come on. I think there's a place up ahead where we can rest a few."
Reluctantly, I take his hand and follow him on the path. We come upon a stream lined by rocks and boulders, and he finds a level place to sit, patting the spot beside him. "Sit."
I do as he asks and pull my water bottle from my backpack, offering him some after I've had a sip. He drinks, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows, and it's ... distracting. Masen has been a good friend the last few months, so to see him in a different way is disconcerting. He interrupts my wayward thoughts and hands back my bottle.
"Look, I didn't want to make a huge deal about it," he says, "but I thought you might want to hear it from a friend and not people at school."
I swallow hard, already guessing what he wants to tell me. "She had the baby?"
"Yeah. Last night." When I don't say anything, he turns to me. "You gonna be okay?"
I shrug, my gaze falling to the water bottle in my hands as I fidget with the lid. "I'm gonna have to be, right?"
"Guess so."
He's close enough that I can rest my head on his shoulder, and I do. "Still sucks."
I think I feel him kiss the top of my head, but I don't say anything. Instead, I close my eyes and breathe. "I'm sorry," he whispers.
"It's not your fault. I knew it was coming." I tilt my head back and look up at him. "It just feels final now, you know?"
"I know we weren't all that close before all that shit went down, but I'd like to think we're pretty good friends now."
"I'd like to think so, too." I smile. "You've been a great friend, Mase."
"Just ... I'm here for you, okay? And I know you and Ali are kind of in a weird place, so you may not have somebody to go to or whatever. I'm not good with chick stuff—feelings and all that shit—but if you need somebody to talk to or just somebody to hang with ..." He wraps an arm around my shoulders and squeezes me to him. "You've got me, okay?"
"Thanks, Mase."
We sit there for a while, me pretending not to wipe away a few tears and him pretending not to notice. We finally get up and walk the trails the rest of the day, side by side. Masen cracks jokes and tells me stories, and I allow myself to smile and laugh ... to forget about everything else. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like things just might be okay.
A/N: So, how are we feeling? What are we thinking? That was rough, I know. But maybe it was a little hopeful at the end? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
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