A/N: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 15x18 "DESPAIR." I WILL CRY FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. On another note, I meant to write fluff, but this happened instead.
WARNING: This fic contains major character death.
Castiel didn't know when it had happened. Maybe it was when he'd been sent to Hell, and he'd seen such a beautiful soul falling to waste and destruction; and he'd saved that soul. He'd pieced his body back together. Maybe it had first begun in knowing his body, in finally seeing him on Earth. Maybe it was seeing that despair when he'd stabbed him, and wanting to do something about it. Maybe it was the way those green eyes had stared, so lost. Maybe, just maybe, Castiel had seen himself in them.
But that wasn't how it was supposed to be.
Castiel was an angel of the Lord, a soldier. Nothing more. And he never would be anything other than that.
He couldn't be.
And yet, he had begun to hope, just a little bit. He'd hoped as he'd learned. As he learned about the Righteous Man and what made him greater than God's plan, as he spent time with him, and fought with him, and spoke with him, and realized that he was truly just a man; a man who made the choice to be good, to do good. He wasn't the image the angels thought of him up in Heaven, the Righteous Man they ravenously foamed at the mouth for with their desperation for him to bring about the Apocalypse.
Castiel learned. And Castiel lost himself.
He lost himself in ways he hadn't known were possible.
He'd fallen from Heaven, he'd become a leader, only to become the new God and die, die like his place on Earth had never been. He'd truly fallen, no longer an angel. He'd been rejected, hurt, betrayed, used, killed.
And maybe he'd begun to piece himself back together when he saw him smile. When he heard him laugh. When he heard him singing along to a Led Zeppelin track all off-key.
Maybe he'd begun to piece himself back together while he fought by his side, and bled for him.
Always happy to bleed for the Winchesters.
And maybe he'd broken whenever he left, whenever he was pushed away, whenever he couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel he realized they were all in. Little by little, he'd been chipped away, till he was alone, and aching. Till he would do anything to try and save him. And it hadn't been enough. Castiel was starting to learn it would never be enough.
How could it be?
This was God's universe, and they were all going to lose.
Yet, Castiel thought of those green eyes, and that smile, and that perfect laugh, and that dorky, ridiculous humor. And he thought of the life within that body he knew every inch of, inside and out. He thought of the soul that lay beneath. The soul he'd gripped tight and raised from perdition. The soul he would always save.
Looking back, he couldn't find a single moment where it had happened. It just had. It had grown in him since their first meeting. It had always been meant to be because it was his choice. It wasn't God's, and his father had even said so. He hadn't written this.
You asked, "What about all this is real?"
We are.
And then Castiel had left. He'd had to leave. No matter how badly he wanted it, he wouldn't have found his happiness there.
Or so he'd thought.
Time was proving him wrong. He was proving him wrong. At long last.
Cas? Cas, I hope you can hear me... that wherever you are, it's not too late. I should've stopped you. You're my best friend, but I just let you go. 'Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong.
I don't know why I get so angry. I just know- I know that it's-i-it's just always been there. And when things go bad, it just- it comes out. And I can't-I can't stop it. No matter how-how bad I want to, I just can't stop it. And-And I-I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry it took me so long... I'm sorry it took me till now to say it. Cas, I'm-I'm so sorry. Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.
And he had heard him.
Now there was nothing left to say...
Save for one thing.
But Castiel couldn't say it. There would be no point. With Chuck, with Amara, and Jack - everything that was happening in the world... Castiel couldn't say it.
Till Death had them.
Till Death was squeezing His heart, and Castiel had to carry Him. Till there was nowhere left to go, no way left to win.
And he realized, it had happened. Somehow, against everything, against God's story, he'd found it, something an angel was never meant to find. And he realized, it was because of their first meeting. Even God had said it. Castiel was the one who had rebelled - this Castiel - while all the others had not. And it was because of one human, one man. One friend.
So it was the hardest, yet easiest thing to say, as Castiel stood before him, ready to finally be happy, to save him...
To tell Dean Winchester...
"I love you."
And he did. And it was all worth it.