A/N: So part of the delay in posting this is due to the issues with the site recently. Hopefully those have been resolved. Also, as other writers will understand, sometimes sitting down to write turns into hours of alternating between staring at a blinking cursor and re-reading what you've already written over and over until it barely makes sense.
This shit is hard, but as Coach Jimmy Dugan said, "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it."
Chapter 3
Sarah
At first I didn't realize I was actually awake. The sensation was eerily similar to the night before when Chuck had been stroking my hair and whispering my name with Angelic reverence. It felt dream-like. It had that ethereal quality to it.
Early morning sunlight was streaming in through the thin curtains over the window. Chuck was pressed in behind me, his warmth enveloping me in a cocoon of comfort and peace. His arm was draped over me and I was softly running my fingers back and forth across the back of his hand, across his fingers, feeling them intertwine with mine. It was so simple yet so wonderfully intimate at the same time.
I felt him stir behind me and realized with sudden clarity that we were both awake and my desire for him was like a spark in dry brush, instantly roaring with heat. I rolled over and our eyes locked on each other, our noses almost touching as I fell into the depths of his honey-brown gaze. His face was flush with the same need that was burning me from the inside out.
His lips crashed into mine with an urgency I'd never felt before and I was lost in kissing him. I didn't care about the consequences; Beckman could take a flying leap. Asset or not, I loved this man with all my heart and I'd never wanted anything more than I wanted to make love to him at that moment. I'd always known how badly Chuck wanted to be with me but what I hadn't realized – what I hadn't let myself realize – was how badly I wanted to be with him. I'd had my physical desires so locked down for so long, I'd been fooling myself into believing that I could ignore it, hold back an ocean of desire with a dam of pure will power. But now that dam had burst, and the resultant flood of physical need nearly drowned me. I wouldn't have chosen this disgusting motel room in the middle of nowhere for our first time together, but at that moment we could have been in the middle of Dodger Stadium and I might not have cared.
Except that we weren't in a disgusting motel room, we were in our bedroom, in our home. I felt a sudden shift in perspective as I realized I was once again caught in both a memory and the current moment, similar to the El Compadre. I gasped and pulled out of the kiss, my body still a goddamn inferno of raw need. I didn't know how much of that inferno was a result of the memory or the current moment.
"Barstow!" I gasped. "Oh, my God! I remember Barstow, I was just in Barstow, reliving that memory!" Chuck looked at me with joy written across his face.
"That's amazing, Sarah!" He whispered fervently. "This was incredibly similar to that morning. How much do you remember?"
I actually whimpered a little. "Right now the most important thing I remember is how badly I wanted you," I said as I fumbled in the bottom drawer of my night stand. "Please tell me we can finish what we started that morning?" I pleaded with him as I handed him the condom.
He looked hesitant and I thought I might burst with unresolved desire. "Please, Chuck. I know everyone is here, but we can be quiet and even if not, I'm sure they'll understand and give us our privacy," I was practically begging but I didn't care.
His expression changed and I could see that his desire was every bit as strong as mine. He kissed me again and we lost ourselves in each other. I was able to feed that desire from so long ago as well as the desire from the here and now. I lost myself in making love to my husband for the first time.
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As angry as I was at what Quinn had done to me, as upset and confused and disoriented as I'd been the previous day, at that moment I was simply awash in a blissful afterglow. It was by far and away the most amazing experience of its kind that I could remember and until I until I remembered all of those experiences with Chuck, with my incredible husband, this one would be more than enough. And I was so looking forward to creating more of those types of memories with him.
I couldn't be away from him for more than a few minutes before I started to get antsy. The feeling was disconcerting, but I didn't fight it. I could tell he felt exactly the same way. If we were in the same room, we had to be touching. It was going to make working together on a mission to find Quinn a challenge, but I knew we'd figure it out.
After our passionate morning together, we lay in bed and talked about my memory of Barstow, which was now changed and intensely strange. On one hand I had the actual memory; I clearly remembered Chuck getting out of bed to retrieve a condom from his wallet, begging me not to move as I lay there wondering if the bed might actually combust from my blazing desire, then hearing Chuck's strangled yell upon discovering Morgan's treachery. But the memory also now transitioned almost seamlessly into us consummating that experience in our own bed moments later. I could almost remember both events simultaneously, one memory overlaid on top of the other - desire thwarted and desire fulfilled in what nearly felt like the same contiguous memory. It wasn't an unpleasant sensation.
The memory seemed to encompass a lot of ancillary information as well, which was different than my El Compadre memory or the Bryce memory from the night before. I remembered we were on the hunt for Chuck's father, a legendary, almost mythical hacker named Orion. I remembered that I'd been under orders to bring Chuck in to be sent to a bunker for his protection, but instead I'd run away with him, putting myself in no small amount of jeopardy to protect him. I'd done it gladly, happily.
I remembered being so angry at Casey, feeling betrayed at how willing he'd been to follow Beckman's orders to dump Chuck in a bunker. Apparently he had redeemed himself later, but those feelings of anger and betrayal remained.
I remembered that Chuck's father had been captured by Fulcrum, though my mind was fuzzy on what Fulcrum really was. We'd traced the trail to Barstow but hadn't found anything and ended up at the rundown, fleabag motel. The next morning had led to our unresolved event and even now I could remember my frustrated rage at Morgan and his thoughtless theft. IOU indeed. In reality he'd probably saved us from no small amount of embarrassment by being caught in the act by Casey, or worse yet, caught and captured by Fulcrum agents.
It had been such a powerful memory, so full of emotion and intense physical need that it had nearly washed away my awareness of the present. I had gone even deeper down the memory well than I had at El Compadre, most likely because I was unknowingly fighting what was happening to me then, lost in my fear and confusion.
It was by far the most comprehensive of the few memories I'd regained. It had even given me a reference to General Beckman, although it wasn't a pleasant one. Chuck agreed that the General had never been his biggest fan, and often undercut or dismissed him at important points in our history.
Once Chuck and I had lost ourselves in the moment, any attempt at containing our enthusiasm had been quickly forgotten. As we made our way into the kitchen for coffee, there were a number of grins and chuckles at our expense. Ellie's boyfriend Devon in particular seemed to enjoy our appearance while Ellie herself blushed but looked overjoyed. Casey almost appeared to be in physical pain while Alex and Morgan just looked very happy for us.
Chuck was blushing like he might stroke out at any moment, and studiously ignored all smiles directed his way. Ellie and Devon were sitting together at the table and as we joined them, Devon actually held up his fist to me which I bumped as he grinned like a mad man. For my part, I was so blissfully happy in that moment that I couldn't have cared less. My grin more than matched his as I relayed a heavily edited version of the memory to Ellie, who seemed impressed with how full and complete the memory seemed.
She said, "Sarah, at this point, I feel pretty confident in telling you that in time, you will likely regain all of your memories, especially those with strong emotional connections. It seems that the suppression created by the holographic cards is not strong enough to withstand your mind's ability to pull them out, especially when you're placed in a circumstance that reinforces the memory."
This information only served to heighten my ebullient mood but as I looked at Chuck, I noticed he had a concerned look on his face.
"Chuck, what is it? This is great news, isn't it?" I asked.
He looked at me and smiled. "Sarah, it's fantastic news, but it also means something else," he said. He looked at Ellie, who nodded.
I looked back and forth between the two of them for a moment before I understood the implications. "I still have the defective Intersect," I said quietly.
Chuck looked grim as he nodded. "And if that portion of your memory comes back, and you start flashing again, any subsequent memory loss you have could be permanent," he said, finishing the thought.
Ellie picked up where he left off. "So yes, Sarah, it's wonderful that you should get your memories back, but it also means we're racing against the clock to figure out how to fix the glitched version of the Intersect so that we're ready when you do start to remember that period in your life."
Casey jumped into the conversation. "I can tell you Sarah, the moment you downloaded the Intersect was pretty intense for both of us. We were surrounded, out of ammo and pretty much done for. There's no question in my mind that you using the skills from the Intersect saved both our lives. If putting you in a similar circumstance helps pull the memory out, we definitely need to avoid going into any dark warehouses until these guys can fix this."
I looked at Casey, at first feeling that sense of betrayal from before Barstow, but then a wash of trust came over me and I suddenly felt several memories come to me spontaneously. Each one was of Casey and I in what I now knew to be Castle, the underground base of operations for Team Bartowski. Or what was formerly Team Bartowski. It was where I suddenly knew that Casey and I spent a lot of our time together, filling out mission reports, talking about past or upcoming missions. Things we could have done differently, something particularly brilliant or insanely stupid that Chuck had done, either of which being just as likely to save the day. And much to Casey's chagrin, it's where we also talked a lot about Chuck in the years before he and I were together. The memories seemed to span a period of several years, none of which were particularly overwhelming, but they carried a strong sense of comradeship. A deep feeling of mutual trust and respect and perhaps even an undercurrent of familial love, like brother and sister. One of the memories was of Casey and I talking about his new role with Carmichael Industries, handling the field work while I stepped back to focus on the business aspect of things. I was stepping back because Chuck and I wanted to start a family.
Tears were suddenly on my cheeks as the thought of what a wonderful father Chuck would make and how lucky I felt that he was mine. I looked at Ellie and said, "You need to get to work because it feels like my memories are coming back faster. I just had several memories of Casey and I working together in Castle return all at once. Dozens of them over the course of years. It's the first time that multiple separate memories have returned at once. At this point I think maybe the suppression might be failing because each new memory brings more associated information along with it."
I looked at Chuck and squeezed his hand, which I had yet to let go of. "We were going to stop using birth control and let nature take its course. We talked about me taking on a different role at CI so we could. I don't remember that specific conversation, but it's what I was thinking about when I was talking to Casey about his role in CI."
Chuck smiled at me, but I could tell he was worried about my memories coming back too quickly and unleashing the defective Intersect. "Yes, we did talk about that," he said. "You were working on modifying our business plan and you were so excited. Then Quinn showed up here and pulled his full on douche bag routine by knocking me out and kidnapping me."
Ellie cleared her throat. "Guys, I hate to say this, but I think we should talk about limiting Sarah's environmental exposure. If the suppression fails, we don't know how the faulty Intersect will respond. Didn't you say that on the train she started flashing uncontrollably at one point?" Ellie directed her question at Chuck, and he nodded.
That didn't sound good to me. "What do you mean, limiting my environmental exposure?" I asked. "That sounds ominous."
"Sarah, I know this is going to piss you off, but I think you should go with Ellie to the hospital and get started on the tests she needs to help you. Casey, Morgan and I can handle Quinn," Chuck said to me.
"You're right, Chuck," I said. "That pisses me off. I'm a part of this team, you can't possibly expect me to sit this out."
"Sarah, dammit, I can't lose you again!" Chuck exclaimed heatedly. "I can't do it. I won't!" His eyes were filling up and I could tell he was terrified.
"Chu-" I started to say, but he interrupted.
"You're compromised, Sarah. We have no idea what might happen to you while we're in the field. What If the suppression fails and all your memories come back at once? Will that incapacitate you? What if you start flashing and forget us for real? Not just the memories, but the emotions too?" He was looking down at our hands clasped together.
"Chuck, look at me," I said softly. I looked into his beautiful eyes as he looked into mine. "Sweetie, I've been compromised for years. The few memories I've gotten back so far tell me that much. I think I've loved you from the first day we've met, since you offered to be my baggage handler."
"Sar-" he started, but it was my turn to interrupt him.
"Chuck, I know it's a risk. Lots of things are a risk but right now, more than anything, you and I need to stick together. You know that as well as I do. Look at me and tell me I'm wrong." Chuck looked at me for several long moments, then simply shook his head.
Ellie wasn't convinced. "Sarah, it's a bigger risk than you might realize. Just now you had memories of you and Casey in Castle, but we aren't in Castle, so it wasn't an environmental trigger. Also, I can't imaging those memories were terribly emotional, so it couldn't have been that either. I think your subconscious mind is wearing down the suppression created by the cards. If the failure of the suppression turns out to be exponential rather than linear, you could potentially have all of your memories back in as little as a few weeks," she said earnestly.
I shook my head. "You're wrong about the emotional component, Ellie. I was so angry at Casey before Barstow. I felt like he was betraying Chuck, betraying our team by agreeing to send him to a bunker. I was remembering that anger when he was talking to us about when I downloaded the Intersect. I think it was that anger and betrayal that prompted the memories because it's so disparate from how I actually feel about Casey," I explained.
"Sarah, if you go into the field, there's no telling what kind of memories might be triggered," Ellie said. "Knowing a lot of your history with Chuck, some of them will be very powerful, potentially overwhelming in the moment. I'm speaking as a doctor here, not as your friend or sister. It's a huge risk you're taking."
"Then we need to get to Castle so you can get to work on fixing the glasses," I replied simply. "As I see it, if I have something to focus my attention on, such as working to find out where Quinn is, then I'm less likely to be focusing on the memories I'm missing. It can't be good if both my conscious and unconscious mind are attacking the suppression at the same time."
Ellie shook her head ruefully. "You really are stubborn, aren't you?" she asked, causing Chuck to cough as he took a drink of coffee.
"Ellie, hi," he said with a smile. "You've met my wife, Sarah, right?"
"Oh, wow!" The sudden outburst was from Morgan, who'd been sitting on the couch with Alex, messing around with Quinn's messenger bag again.
Chuck looked over at him. "What is it, buddy?" he asked.
"Uh, sorry… I heard what you guys were talking about and I understand the fear you have about Sarah's memories coming back. But I found another little hidden pocket in Quinn's bag. It's like a freaking bag of holding or something," he said.
"What did you find?" Chuck asked, curious.
"Uh, Chuck, you might want to come take a look at this," Morgan said.
I started to get up with Chuck, but Morgan put his hand up. "No, Sarah, I don't know if you should see this," he said.
Chuck stood up and put his hand on my shoulder. "It's ok, hon, let me take a look."
He walked over and knelt down next to Morgan who showed him what he'd found. I saw his eyes get wide as an expression of happiness came over him but after a moment I could tell he was conflicted.
"Chuck, what is it?" I asked. But instead of answering me, he looked at Ellie.
"Sis, I don't know what to do, here," he said as his gaze flickered back and forth between me and Ellie. Ellie stood up and walked over to them. I heard her breath catch as she saw what Morgan had found.
"Chuck, I don't think you should. This is all just guess work, but I think it's possible that a really powerful memory could cause a kind of cascade failure of the suppression. A memory with a strong enough emotional component could cause everything to come back at once. I don't think you should risk it," she said as she looked at me with compassion and sadness in her eyes.
"Dammit, guys, you can't do this to me," I said, frustrated that they were treating me like a porcelain doll that might shatter at a touch. "Don't treat me like I'm some fragile thing that needs to be protected."
Chuck looked at me and I saw him make a decision. He looked up at Ellie and said, "I have to, El. Like she said, lots of things are a risk right now, but some things are worth the risk."
Ellie nodded as Chuck took whatever it was from Morgan and walked back to the table. "Sarah, close your eyes please," he asked as he sat down next to me.
I sighed impatiently but did as he asked. I felt him take my hand and slide a ring on my finger. I gasped as I realized it was my left hand and opened my eyes before he could prompt me. I looked down at my hand expecting a flood of memories to come back. The ring was beautiful. Elegant and understated, but stunning. I looked at it intently and realized I'd been holding my breath. After a long moment I realized that no memories related to my wedding or engagement were going to be forthcoming and I let out a frustrated groan.
"Well that was much ado about nothing," I said, not able to hide my disappointment at the lack of associated memories.
"Sweetie, it's ok if you don't remember. It's probably a good thing right now, considering the risks," Chuck said as he squeezed my hand. "You'll remember soon enough. Don't try to force it. Just let it happen."
I nodded as I stood up and hugged him. "I am disappointed that I didn't remember, but I know I will eventually," I said. I looked around and addressed everyone in the room. "Guys, we need to move this party to Castle so Ellie can start working on the glasses, and the rest of us can start working on finding Quinn. Let's get moving!" I announced sternly. To my satisfaction, everyone jumped up en mass and started getting ready to leave.
I pulled Casey aside and showed him what I'd pulled out of the messenger bag before I'd brought it out the night before. He whistled appreciatively as he took it, then frowned at the scuff marks.
"What the hell did you do to this beautiful gun Bartowski? And where did you get it?" He asked.
"Quit crying, the scuff marks will buff out. It's what Quinn's man was carrying, the guy I had to shoot yesterday. I got the drop on him and made him slide it across the pavement to me, but then he went for a backup he had in the small of his back. I wanted to show you because this is no Saturday night special. And its brother came to the party as well," I said as I showed him the gun I took off of Quinn, which was the same model but slightly customized.
"Wow, these are beautiful firearms. Serial numbers are intact. With the laser sights, these two guns probably represent about ten grand. It isn't even my birthday. You're too kind," he said drily.
I looked at him flatly, "Yeah, you're not funny in the few memories I have of you either," I said. "Smell Quinn's," I said. Casey did so and a disgusted expression came over him. He compared it to the other one and nodded.
"Quinn's gun hasn't been fired in ages, if at all since it left the factory, but the other one has been fired since it's last cleaning." he observed.
"Exactly," I replied. "Which leads me think Quinn's is new. So two nearly identical, incredibly expensive handguns, one new and one used. Quinn had to have picked his new one up after we got back to the states. I'm thinking he has a high end weapons contact in LA. It might help us find them."
Casey nodded. "I'll make some calls."
We all piled into our various vehicles, Chuck and I taking my car, which was now a Lotus apparently.
"What happened to my Porsche?" I asked Chuck as we got in.
He hesitated for a moment. "Sarah, I'm actually a little reluctant to talk to you about stuff you don't remember for fear of bringing your memories back faster," he said.
I nodded. "I guess that's a good point. Casey is making some calls to see if we can track the high-end hand guns I took off of Quinn and the guy I had to shoot. Can you work some computer magic on your end to see if you can trace the serial numbers of the guns?"
"I'll add it to the list," he said, tapping the side of his head. He looked at me for a moment, then reached over and pushed an errant strand of hair behind my ear and stroked his finger down my neck, making me shiver. "God, I'm so happy to have you back. You were right before. I wouldn't have been able to handle being apart from you while we do this. I'm not sure when I'm going to be comfortable being away from you again."
He was just so beautiful that I couldn't help myself. I grabbed him and pulled him across the center console as I leaned in and kissed him as hard as I could. After I don't know how long, we broke apart, each of us panting for breath. "Wow, you're good at that," I gasped as I leaned my forehead against his. "Chuck, I wish I could articulate to you how strange this all is for me. I fully and completely identify as Sarah Bartowski, even more so now that I've gotten some additional memories back. But the strange thing is that I almost feel like a person separate from the old Agent Walker and your Sarah. I can practically feel the two of them inside my head. It's like I'm a bridge between the two of them. You got through all of Agent Walker's defenses and she fell hard for you with no idea what was happening or how to control it."
"It's only fair," he replied. "I fell for her – for you – so fast that I felt like I was going a little crazy. Especially after they assigned you as my cover girlfriend. It was so confusing for me because I kept getting these little hints that you felt the same way I did, which seemed so unlikely to me. I called it 'the thing under our under-cover thing'. But then you'd always pull back. I realized later that you used your feelings for me to be the best possible protector I could ever have. You didn't just protect my life, you protected my soul. It's why I still only ever use a tranq gun. You helped me never lose sight of who I was."
I sighed as I continued to lean against him. "We really need to put some bunk space in Castle, or convert one of the holding cells or something," I said.
He chuckled and said, "Yeah, that's come up once or twice in the past couple of years. Let's just say that we became extremely familiar with the supply closet."
I grinned at that thought. It was so out of character for Agent Walker, but it felt like something that Sarah – that I – would revel in. It was another reminder that I was so much more like Sarah than I was Agent Walker, but I could still feel her in my mind. It was interesting to me that she seemed to accept this new reality. I wasn't feeling any mental hesitation or reservation from the woman I used to be. I leaned back into my seat and switched mental gears as I started the car and put it into gear. "We're going to figure this out, Chuck," I said as I gunned the engine and popped the clutch. I knew the squeak from him was coming before it escaped past his lips.
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While Chuck and Casey were trying to track down Quinn's weapons dealer, I decided to work on getting information about the men working for Quinn. I started with the guy I'd shot the day before while getting away from Quinn. I used a fingerprint kit to pull all the prints off his pistol, isolated mine and Casey's then ran the other prints I was able to get through the Automated Fingerprint Identification System. His name was Matthew Dawson and he was a person of interest in several weapons related investigations with the FBI and there were references to a military record. Since CI was doing work for the Pentagon, I used that access to get into their personnel files and look him up. I tried not to focus too much on the fact that my fingers just seemed to know what my logins were.
Dawson had been a US Army Ranger in the late '90s but had been caught selling military surplus weapons and court martialed. He had served a few years in Leavenworth before being dishonorably discharged about three years prior. The weapons thing seemed a little too coincidental to me. I logged into the FBI system and dug a little deeper to see if I could come up with known associates. I was surprised to see that Nicholas Quinn was listed as well as a number of other men.
I went two levels deep, known associates of known associates and built a list of about thirty men, most of whom were former military or had gaps in their files that all but confirmed they were probably former CIA operatives. I printed out dossier's for all of them. When I tried to get into Quinn's file, it had an administrative lock enabled and wanted a supervisory code to get access.
"Chuck, how long would it take you to hack a supervisory lock on Quinn's FBI file?"
He barely took his eyes off his screen as he wrote something down on a post it and handed it to me. "Use that," he said.
I entered the random alpha-numeric code and was greeted with Quinn's FBI file. I shook my head. Of course Chuck had an FBI supervisory code memorized. I printed out Quinn's file and arranged it into a formal dossier along with the rest. I could have gone through it on the computer screen, but I had always preferred a hard copy when it came to personnel files. It was more tactile and helped me memorize relevant data faster than reading it off a screen.
After spending some time going through the various files, I felt like I had a pretty good handle on who Quinn's men were. Based on similarities in their files, It looked like he had a team of about twenty men that worked for him. They were mostly hard core former Special Forces; Army Rangers, Marine Force Recon, a couple of SEALs, all with either dishonorable discharges or general discharges under questionable circumstances. The rest were former CIA or NSA operatives, but I didn't recognize any of the names or faces and their files were heavily redacted. There were also several secondary links to a man with a Federal Firearms License named Sean McAlister who's FBI file was also locked, but the code Chuck had given me worked on his as well. After printing and reading his file, I was pretty sure he was Quinn's weapons contact.
I took the information I'd gathered to Casey who'd spent most of the time on the phone in the conference room. "Does the name Sean McAlister mean anything to you?" I asked him.
"From what I've been able to gather, he's Quinn's gun runner of choice. He's based here in LA and my sources tell me that he's got a lot of friends in high places. The guy keeps a low profile, but he's seriously dirty."
Chuck walked into the conference room and said, "You're right about Sean McAlister. I traced the serial numbers from the guns to him. He owns a number of pawn shops throughout LA. The guns were sold legally but the names of the purchasers are a dead end, obviously stolen identities."
"Do you think we can get to Quinn through McAlister?" Casey asked.
Chuck shrugged. "Maybe, but I have better news. I was able to hack Quinn's security consulting company. The guy is hopeless when it comes to cybersecurity. He was almost solely focused on mercenary and espionage work. I was able to hack several of his accounts and trace payments from countries that sponsor terrorism, including Libya and North Korea. And he used to be in business with Fulcrum, The Ring and Volkoff. We've put all of his biggest customers out of business. It's no wonder he wants the intersect. Quinn is basically broke. This is his Hail Mary pass. The downside is that he's desperate now and that makes him even more dangerous. More unpredictable. I think he had a lot riding on being able to flip Sarah to his side and use her against us."
"If you can prove he was taking money from terrorist regimes, we can get him on the FBI's ten most wanted list. Have every Federal Agent in the country on the look-out for him," Casey said.
"Yeah, I already put together a file for General Beckman to help expedite that, but the problem is that he's left the country," Chuck replied. "His company chartered a jet yesterday evening. He's in Germany. And I know why. In addition to his finances, I was able to find the information he had on the Intersect. He somehow had an entire data dump of my dad's old research, as well as new stuff that Ellie and I haven't seen. I think Graham was working with him on the side in case Team Bartowski didn't work out. When Graham was killed, no one knew that he'd shared information with Quinn. According to the information I found, there are three separate components needed to fix the glitch in the glasses and he's going after them."
I looked at Chuck and asked, "Did you have a chance to look at any of the Intersect data about the holographic cards and their affect?"
"No, but Ellie is looking at it now. My concern is that Quinn knows we need the components so we can fix the glasses and remove your faulty intersect. He needs them if he ever wants to be able to use the glasses himself."
"Do you know who has them?" Casey asked.
"Yeah, so get this. Our old friend Alexander Winterborne, AKA, Edgar. Apparently Ted Roark gave him one of the components."
"Isn't he the one that got away from us at the Opera House after you gave him the flash drive with Fulcrum information on it?"
As soon as Casey had mentioned 'Opera House', several distinctly separate and vivid memories spooled across my mind as I watched Chuck interacting with his old girlfriend Jill, like a disjointed movie playing against the back of my eyes. Him, looking so sexy in a grey pinstripe suit, at a restaurant with her while I fucking waited on them. Him kissing her on surveillance feeds like he was rubbing it in my face. Her flirting with and kissing him while helping us find information her dead boss had left hidden. The two of them working together to solve a puzzle with a timer that I was afraid might be a bomb, Chuck taking her side, insisting Jill was right. Part of me had secretly wanted Winterborne to shoot her at the Opera House. My heart lurched at feelings of loss, guilt and a sense of betrayal that I knew wasn't fair but couldn't help feeling. I closed my eyes and tried to un-remember those events. I must have made some kind of noise because Chuck became alarmed.
"Sarah, what's wrong?" he asked as he rushed over to my side.
"What the hell, Chuck?" I demanded suddenly, angrily. "You seriously almost got back together with your college girlfriend who broke your heart at Stanford?" I looked at him knowing that my anger didn't fit the circumstances we were dealing with, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop the emotions that were flooding through me. Every time I remembered something new, the emotions associated with them that had previously drifting around untethered in my mind, immediately latched on to those memories. As a result, it was very much like living those feelings all over again, reliving those events.
Chuck's next words surprised the hell out of me. "Sarah, I want you to focus on those feelings of anger and hurt and betrayal. Let yourself really feel them. Don't try to block or suppress or ignore them," he said softly but with intensity as he took my hand. "We've had lots of conversations about Jill and that period in our lives. You need to let yourself feel those emotions and acknowledge them. You didn't the first time."
I didn't want to do what he asked, but his words totally made sense. It was how I operated; suppress, ignore, compartmentalize. Seeing them together had hurt so much more than I'd realized at the time, all because I wouldn't let myself admit that I loved him. As a result, I couldn't let myself admit to how much seeing them together destroyed me. To admit the pain would be to admit the love that went with it, one not existing except for the other.
I did what he asked and let myself honestly feel the pain and hurt, give those feelings their due. I burst into tears as he pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I cried at the loss I felt as I thought I was watching the love of my life be seduced by the woman who had already broken his heart once before. I cried at the loss I felt thinking that he'd given up on me.
"I never gave up on you, Sarah," he said, surprising me yet again with how in tune he was with my thoughts. "I made some really stupid choices along the way, but I never gave up on us and neither did you."
After a few minutes, the feelings associated with those memories faded and I realized I felt really good wrapped in Chuck's arms. I'd gotten to grieve over a period of time in my past that I'd previously hidden away. Feelings that had been stuffed in a box and denied were now acknowledged and accepted.
Casey grunted. "I'm glad you two are able to have these moments and all, but Quinn is still out there, and the clock is ticking," he said, not unkindly.
I chuckled softly as Chuck released me and handed me some tissues from a plastic package. "Sorry, Casey. Trust me, I hate this almost as much as you do. I feel like I've gotten better at expressing my feelings over the years, but something tells me I've got a long way to go," I said as I wiped my eyes.
I took a deep breath. "So anyway, Winterborne. A former Fulcrum operative who got away is out there with one of the components we need to fix the glasses. Do we know where he is?" I asked.
Chuck looked like he wanted to talk more about my new memories but answered my question instead. "According to Quinn's files, he lives in San Francisco. He's been right under our noses this whole time. He made quite a bit of money working for Fulcrum and apparently he's a pretty savvy investor. As far as I can tell, he's stayed under the radar, living off his investments," Chuck said.
"Just the fact that he's a former Fulcrum operative is enough to arrest him," Casey observed. "Then we offer him a deal in exchange for the piece of the Intersect that he has."
Chuck thought about it for a moment. "It's an interesting idea, but I'm afraid it gives him too much power. Casey, do you think we could contract with Gertrude to help us find and maintain surveillance on Winterborne while we go after the other components? I have the beginnings of an idea."
"I'm sure she'd be happy to help," Casey said.
"Who's Gertrude?" I asked.
"Gertrude Verbanski, of Verbanski Corp, which is technically a competitor of ours. She and Casey have a sort of aggressively romantic thing going with each other. I try not to think about it too much. Chocolate and peanut butter metaphors abound," Chuck said with a grin.
Casey grunted. "Deal with it, Bartowski. I had to deal with you and Walker dancing around each other for two and a half goddamn years," he said with a growl. "It's like you two were actively trying to make yourselves miserable and were determined to pull me down into the pit of despair with you."
Chuck laughed softly at Casey's comments, but I was genuinely confused. "I don't understand? How were we trying to make ourselves miserable?" I asked.
Chuck looked at me somberly. "I was going to wait and talk to you about this a little later, Sarah," he said. "That thing with Jill was just one example of my stupidity, but you've had some moments as well. Let's just say that you and I have both broken each other's hearts on multiple occasions. Not intentionally, but our situation was so complicated to start because I was the asset and you were my handler. I don't have to tell you how difficult that made things for us at the outset. Protocol forbid us from being together even though we both desperately wanted it. You being assigned as my 'cover' girlfriend only made things worse. In retrospect, I should have asked Beckman to bring me on as an analyst after Graham was killed and the second Intersect was destroyed. He never would have gone for it, but I think we could have convinced her. It would have opened the door for us to be together very early on and saved us both a lot of heartache."
I didn't relish the idea of more episodes like the one we'd just had regarding the Jill memories returning, but I was willing to take the good with the bad. It all played a part in defining our current relationship.
"I'm not looking forward to that, but I want all my memories back, good and bad," I said.
He looked at me very earnestly and said, "Sarah, just remember this; no matter how upsetting a memory might be – and some of them will be terrible – hold on to the fact that we got through it. We earned these," he held up his finger to display his wedding band as he took my hand and twisted mine.
"I will, Chuck," I said. "I promise." I was about to lean in and kiss him when Casey grunted again.
"Jesus, didn't you guys have enough quality time this morning? Can we please focus on the task at hand before I'm forced to jab a pencil in my eye?"
I rolled my eyes at Casey and sighed. "Fine," I said. "So Winterborne has one of the components but you said there's three. Who has the other two?"
"One of them is being held by Renny Deutch, a German arms manufacturer. It's similar to the one that Winterborne has. That has to be why Quinn went to Germany. The third component is much smaller and all I know is that it was given to a high ranking Air Force official. The note mentioned a medal denoting meritorious service."
"How small do you think this third component might be?" Casey asked.
"Maybe the size of a small paper clip." Chuck answered.
"That could maybe be hidden in a ribbon medal, like officers wear on their uniforms," Casey said.
Chuck looked at Casey knowingly. "A high ranking Air Force official. You don't think...?"
"General Beckman!" The two of them exclaimed together.
Casey grabbed a remote off the conference room desk and turned the TV on, then hit another button. The screen showed General Beckman at her desk, surprised to see their live feed on her monitor.
"Team Bartowski. It's good to see you all together again. You had us worried, Sarah," the General said.
I realized that they almost certainly had let the General know what was going on with us and Quinn, but they hadn't had time to let her know about my memories having been suppressed.
Chuck jumped in. "General, Quinn was able to use a previously unknown aspect of the Intersect technology to suppress Sarah's memories of the last five years," he said quickly. "He was going to try and use her against us by convincing her that our relationship was a cover to prove I was a rogue agent."
The General looked confused. "Quinn must be truly desperate. He was one of the Agency's best agents in his day, but that's the stupidest plan I've ever heard. A two year relationship with a mark that included getting married? Sarah, how are you?"
"I'm OK, General. The method he used to suppress my memories didn't actually suppress the emotions that were associated with those memories, and the memory suppression itself is failing. I only woke up yesterday, but my memories started coming back last night and I'm getting more all the time. However, Chuck and Ellie are concerned," I answered.
"I'm sorry to hear this happened to you, Sarah. I'm glad to hear that your memories are coming back. You and Chuck have been through the wringer together; your whole team has. I can't tell you how tragic it would be to see that history lost. What is it that you're concerned about, Mr. Bartowski?"
"General, Ellie thinks that the method Quinn used to suppress Sarah's memories was developed by my dad as a way to actually suppress the Intersect itself. Sort of make the brain forget it was there I guess. But it's proven to be unstable. Our fear is that as Sarah's memories return, the glitchy Intersect she downloaded will also return. We're afraid that memory loss associated with flashing on skills or data in the glitchy Intersect is permanent, unlike the method Quinn used," Chuck explained.
"How can I help?"
"We have a pair of the glitchy Intersect glasses, but they can be fixed. There are three separate components that were removed and hidden. I was able to hack into Quinn's systems and there was mention of a meritorious service medal being given to a high ranking Air Force official. The component is very small. Casey and I were thinking it could be hidden in a ribbon medal."
The general looked down at the array of ribbon medals on her uniform. "A few years ago I was given a ribbon medal for work performed with the Intersect project," the General said quietly. She reached down and deftly removed one of the ribbons. She studied it for a few moments, then seemed to see something as she pulled the end off the ribbon. It had a small circuit board attached. Chuck recognized it as the piece we needed.
"That's it! General it is critical that we get that component from you as soon as possible!" Chuck exclaimed excitedly.
The General looked stunned that she'd been wearing a piece of the Intersect for years. "I need to tie up some things here, but I'll be on a flight to LA later today," she said.
"General, there's more that we need your help with. You're not going to like hearing this, but you need to understand that everything I've done over the last week, it was to try and find Sarah," Chuck said.
"What is it, Chuck?" the General asked.
"General, the Intersect glasses we have are blank. In addition to obtaining the missing components, we also need to download a fresh, updated copy to the glasses before they can be used."
"Chuck, you know as well as I do that all existing Intersect mainframes have been destroyed," the General said, sounding confused.
Chuck looked genuinely surprised. "General, are you honestly telling me that you don't know about the Intersect system at DARPA here in LA?" Chuck asked.
"What?" The General exclaimed. "Are you serious?"
"I am, General," Chuck replied. "Quinn mentioned it when we were on the train in Japan while his men were holding Alex hostage. He was going to try and force us to load the glasses for him. When we got home, I did a little research on my own and discovered where the facility was."
The General rubbed her temples, obviously have difficulty believing this was done without her knowledge. She finally looked back up at the monitor. "I'm coming to LA this afternoon, Chuck. I'll make some calls and find out who authorized this new Intersect. I will do what I can to get you access so you can load the glasses. After everything your team has done for this country, I'm not going to stand by while Sarah is at risk," she said. "But Chuck, this was done without my knowledge or authorization. There's a chance that they will deny my request. Be prepared for that eventuality. Do you understand what I'm saying?" The General gave them a pointed look.
Casey answered first. "We do, ma'am. Let's hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, we can handle it," he said.
"Good," the General replied. "I'll let you know when to expect me there," she said, then abruptly terminated the connection.
Chuck stuck his head out the conference room door and yelled, "Hey everybody, let's have a quick meeting!"
Ellie, Devon, Morgan and Alex all filed into the conference room and took a seat around the table. Chuck looked at us as he rubbed his hands together. "So, here's what I'm thinking…"
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