25. You're in love with someone else.
72. Are you jealous?
Both from Rvb92.
Hi guys! Sorry for my absence but, as often happens, life happened and I had a few things to take care of.
I hope you are all well out there!
Ps: go to the first chapter to send me some prompts! I'm waiting for your ideas. There, I have underlined the prompts I have already used. Nothing will prevent me from reusing them, but if you would like to indicate new ones, why not.
H.
I changed some prompts I wasn't asked for to new ones! Go browse the list in the first chapter!
"Is that Adam?"
"Yeah."
"You should go."
"Yeah."
...
From that evening on, things changed imperceptibly between them.
No one from the outside noticed anything, but Hailey knew it. It was this feeling rooted in her stomach so deep that it happened to wake her up in the night knowing that something was wrong.
It was still her and Jay, at work he continued to be the best partner she could ever want, yet…yet she knew him too well.
She could never tell what had changed between them, but she just knew it.
That evening was one of the last they met for a drink alone. On nights where she offered him a beer, the rest of the unit would magically join them too.
It was as if - and here the weight in her stomach intensified - as if he were trying not to be alone with her anymore.
And if until now, the change between them had been just a feeling - a heavy, unpleasant feeling, but still a feeling - things changed when she and Kim were kidnapped, and nothing could ever get back into place.
Kim's gaze, the hurt and betrayed gaze Kim threw at her, only magnified the weight in her stomach. She knew Kim understood why she had kept the thing between her and Adam a secret, she was a smart woman who, like her, worked in a workplace where prejudice could have influenced her entire career.
Yet getting into bed that night, Hailey couldn't help but think of Kim's gaze. The hurt and betrayed gaze Kim hadn't been able to hide.
She knew it would be easier if she got mad at Kim, because deep down she had no right to Adam and he could live his life as he saw fit. But she couldn't really get mad at her because she knew deep down that she was the one who had made a big mess.
The story with Adam was…funny. Spending a few nights with him freed her head from the thoughts of the day. And he was a good man. But it was nothing more, and she knew it well.
And despite this, she had managed to disappoint her friend and, even worse, to disappoint her favorite human being on earth.
He wouldn't admit it, because that's what Jay was like. He would have preferred to continue pretending everything was fine, rather than admit that something was wrong. She knew him well by now but, even though she knew him, she couldn't understand what could disturb him so much.
The change she had felt weeks ago was now evident.
Jay had changed again and keeping up with his change wasn't easy. At work, he was always the solid detective, focused and reliable. But he no longer had any openings towards her and it was beginning to disturb her.
But what really, really, made her close her eyes to absorb the sudden pain that crashed into her, was when Kim asked for a rotation in partnerships and, before she could realize what had happened, she was partnered with Antonio. And Jay didn't say anything, he didn't object, he nodded to Kim before picking up his coat and disappearing down the stairs with her.
He wasn't running away from her, he wasn't avoiding her, at least not blatantly. But she knew it, she knew him.
From that point on, Hailey spent her days doing her job like a robot. She knew she should try to resolve the situation, she wanted her partner back, her best friend.
But ending her evenings with Adam was easier, less stressful. She could disconnect her brain and forget for a moment the emptiness she felt in her stomach.
She thought things might work like this, but the more she saw Jay and Kim working together, the more she realized she couldn't do it.
She wasn't jealous. Jealous of what, then?
She was angry and hurt. She was angry at herself because she knew, damn she knew from the start, the thing with Adam would never go well. That she should have told him about Adam from the start. She wanted to tell him, seriously, but letting things slip like this was easier. Because deep down she knew that something between them would change.
The more time passed, the more she realized how Kim leaned on Jay to avoid looking at the two of them. Her feelings for Adam were so evident to everyone that even Voight was probably starting to be annoyed.
And Hailey knew why she asked to be partnered with Jay. His silent but trustworthy presence was the closest thing to the peace anyone could ask for.
She was the one who had first felt the difference dating Adam. He was loud, funny sure, but too loud. And Hailey knew she didn't need all that confusion.
She was so used to Jay's silence that she could now think, to absorb the bad days, only around him.
So she understood Kim, she really understood her.
But that didn't ease the tightness in her stomach that for months had made her wake up at night with her heart beat faster.
...
"Hailey? You with us?"
She blinked a few times trying to focus on Kevin's amused face.
"Yeah, sorry, I was… Where's Jay?"
She stared at the free space next to Will before turning her head to look around.
"He just got up…"
She shook her head clearing the fog of her thoughts before hiding behind her beer.
Adam looked at her with raised eyebrows, but she brushed his concern away with a wave of her hand.
And suddenly her vision was occupied by Jay who, as soon as he returned to the table, slammed a hand on Kevin's shoulder, before picking up his jacket and greeting everyone.
"And this is my calling. See you, guys."
He waved a hand in their direction and Hailey, like an automatic reflex, fixed her gaze on Will.
"Let him go, Hailey. It's not a good time for him."
It almost looked like Will had read her mind and the sad smile he sent her nearly broke her into a thousand pieces.
"What's going on? He doesn't talk to me and…"
"I've got his back, Hails. Don't worry."
Kim cut her off by squeezing her hand and smiling kindly.
Why the hell they all wanted to keep her away from him, she couldn't really understand.
Hailey blurted out before she could restrain herself and immediately regretted her words.
"Maybe I wish I had his back!"
The silence that fell around the table was so heavy that the vibration of Will's hunter awoke there suddenly.
"Sorry, I…", she straightened up on the stool uncomfortable.
"That's fine," Kim brushed her off with an indifferent gesture.
But Hailey could only focus on two things: Adam's gaze and Will's gesture as he slipped his coat on.
She slid off the stool following Will out of the Molly and the crisp Chicago spring air hit her face hard.
"Don't take it personally, Hailey. Jay tends to cut everyone out of his life."
She ran a hand over her face, rubbing her eyes. She knew talking to Will was wrong, he wasn't the Halstead brother she wanted to talk to. But trusting Will was easy for her, almost like trusting Jay. From the first time.
She saw some people passing them as they left the club, their voices high and slightly drunk.
"He doesn't talk to me anymore, Will, and…I don't know."
Will studied her for a few seconds in silence.
"Tomorrow will be the anniversary of our mom's death. It has never been an easy time for him."
The knowledge that she had forgotten that date hit her so hard it stunned her. She remembered the previous year Jay had skipped work for two days and only on the evening of the second day he had called her and asked her to come to him. And after seeing that look in his eyes, Hailey promised herself she would never forget that time of year again.
And where the hell had she been in the last few weeks to forget that? To not see the sadness in his eyes?
"God…I forgot it", she scratched her neck nervously under Will's amused gaze.
"You're a good person, but you don't have to blame yourself for forgetting such a thing."
"He doesn't talk to me anymore, Will!"
She pursed her lips as her voice reached her own ears.
Will squeezed her shoulder lightly with another gentle smile. It seemed he couldn't do anything else that evening. She hoped she was wrong, but it almost seemed like a condescending smile. As if he had pity on her.
"Let him come to you. Jay may be like a lone wolf, but sooner or later he comes back."
"I don't know, I don't know. Everything has changed since…"
She stopped realizing that, for the first time since the beginning of all that mess, she was giving voice to her thoughts.
She watched Will wait patiently for her to speak again, but all she could do was repeat in her head that it wasn't her fault, Jay hadn't turned away from her because of her choices.
"Since I've been dating Adam."
"Do you date Adam?"
The glint of amazement in his eyes immediately made her aware that Jay hadn't told him anything. But why should he, after all?
"Since when?"
"Few months."
"Oh, I understand a lot of things. Well no, don't wait for him to come to you. Treat him like a cat, keep your distance but be constant, slowly you get closer", he winked at her starting to walk away.
He was already a few meters away from her, who had been standing still thinking about his words, when he turned and his laugh made her look up at him.
"I know my little bro so well! So damn well!"
And with a last laugh he disappeared around the corner.
And all she had left was even more doubt.
"Everything good?"
She jumped at Adam's voice behind her, and a look at his expression, made her understand that it was time to speak. Things couldn't go on like this, she couldn't go on like this.
The drive to the car was silent, Hailey too lost in a world of thoughts and questions to realize that Adam was waiting for him to say something.
"Listen, I…we need to talk."
"You are in love with someone else, that's fine. We knew from the start this was not going to be a serious thing."
He brushed her off with his hand, stopping the car in front of her house.
Her head snapped up and she stared at him speechless.
"I'm not in love with…that's not…"
She could practically only stammer. The indifference with which Adam had spoken had thrown her into a sea of restlessness from which she could not get out.
He gently squeezed her arm, "You don't have to justify yourself to me. I know very well where your head is now."
Hailey slowly got out of the car, she felt like she was in a bubble. She enjoyed being with Adam, but only now that it was all closed, did she feel like she was able to breathe again. The weight that had crushed her for months had disappeared and, if she had had the strength, she would have started jumping.
"Hailey, you're not the same without him."
Adam's last words reached her before he drove off and she was stuck watching his car's headlights disappear down the street.
And finally, after months, a light and sincere laugh bloomed between her lips.
She was free.
Driving to Jay's house was normal and weird at the same time. She knew the way by heart and yet it had been a while since she had gone to him.
She wondered, not for the first time, how she could have let things slip through her fingers so easily. How could she have forgotten the anniversary of his mom's death. How could she have let him go away like that.
She liked Adam and enjoyed being with him, but he wasn't…he wasn't what she was looking for.
...
"Hailey?"
Jay's expression went from amazement to shock within seconds and, when she noticed that he didn't make a move to let her in, she forced herself to take courage.
"Are you jealous?"
And again, like every time, she had read his face perfectly. A hint of vulnerability that he promptly hid behind an empty facade.
"I'm not really in the mood for these things, so…"
He turned his back on her making his way into her apartment and leaving her free to enter or leave. And she, now convinced of her speech, followed him. She grabbed his arm trying to stop him and when he stopped, she passed him to face him and repeated her question.
"Just tell me. Are you jealous?"
"Hailey, please…"
"Are you jealous?"
His composure and his empty gaze made her lose patience and she found herself screaming for the last time the question that had been buzzing in her head for some time.
"Yes, damn it, yes! You happy now?", he tore his arm out of her grasp as he moved away from her.
And now that she had her confirmation, her mind was completely blank.
"Jay…"
"No. Stop it! I'm jealous and I can't trust you anymore, so Hailey, what the hell do you want from me?"
It almost seemed that now that he had started speaking, he could not stop himself. But what left her most stunned was not the loss of composure of the most collected man she had ever known, but…
"You do not trust me?"
"No, Hailey, no. You told me, and I remember damn well, that workplace romance are not your thing. You told me but you were already dating Adam. You lied to me. I worked with you for weeks, while you kept lying to me."
"You have no right to…"
"No, you're right", he waved a hand in her direction, interrupting her, "So I'm asking you again, what do you want from me, Hailey?"
They stared at each other in silence for minutes, in the dim light of his living room. Selfishly, Hailey realized she was happy. Jay was talking to her again, she still had his attention.
"I miss you. I miss you and let things go too far. They slipped out of my hands without I noticed. I miss you, Jay."
She caught her breath, slipping her hands into the pockets of her jeans. She looked away from him because, seriously, she didn't know what she wanted but she knew what she didn't want. She no longer wanted his indifference and his condescension. She had worked too hard for Jay, to let him open, for his confidence, and she wasn't willing to throw it all away in the blink of an eye.
"Hailey, really, this is not the time. We're both tired and nothing good would come of it. Go home, see you in two days."
He spoke turning his back to her and pointing to the front door. A clear invitation to leave him alone.
"I know what day tomorrow will be."
She whispered it, but in the silence he heard it perfectly. Jay froze and his shoulders stiffened more than Hailey thought was possible.
"Let it go, forget it. Go to Adam, Hailey. I just want to be alone."
He was cold and she hardly recognized his voice.
She wanted to tell him, really tell him.
'It ended with Adam, it was all wrong with Adam, I don't want Adam.'
But she knew she couldn't tell him. It wasn't what Jay needed right now and, above all, she wasn't ready to voice those thoughts yet. Thoughts too demanding and, above all too frightening.
"I forgot, Jay, I forgot what day tomorrow will be. And it shouldn't have happened because you're my best friend. And I miss my best friend. Let me stay here. Please, Jay, please."
She had approached him as she spoke. She was a few paces from his back when Jay dropped his shoulders in defeat. And she already knew she had convinced him.
"I hate what tomorrow is. I hate it so much", he whispered. As if he were ashamed of giving voice to his thoughts. The strangled sigh that followed his words nearly annihilated her.
They had never hugged, never touched. Only fleeting touches, shoulders touching, arms touching. It had always been an unconscious gesture, working together…it was almost inevitable to touch each other.
But what Hailey did next was something that had never happened before. And the fear of how Jay might react was just a thrill registered in a tiny part of her brain.
She reached out her arms and wrapped them around his chest. She was smaller than him so she pressed her face against his back waiting to feel his muscles tighten and his escape.
But after an initial moment of surprise, Jay didn't wriggle out and Hailey tightened her grip on him slightly.
"I know. I'm sorry, Jay, I'm so sorry."
"Can we just…be silent?"
"We can do what you want."
She let him go when she realized it was getting awkward and took a few steps away from him. Jay walked past her with a quick smile and sat down on the sofa.
"I missed you too, anyway."
Hailey lowered her head hiding what she knew was an embarrassed smile behind the cascade of blonde hair.
She had her partner back, everything could be fine.