Six months flew by in a flash; after getting selected, Jill and I went through the police academy to bring us up to speed on the gaps. Our friendship only got stronger; we went from strangers to spending damn near all of our free time together; I'd still not gotten over my attraction to her. Still, I'd settled in comfortably as her buddy, preferring to have her in my life as a friend than to press the issue, she'd laid the law down, and that was that…

I was in love with her, and it sucked.

I had my shit together; I was a highly trained intelligence officer, except when she was around, I didn't. I stumbled over words; my heart stopped when she'd show up dressed for a night out and drag me to Jay's, calling it "our spot," was enough to send me reeling. But I stayed professional, and I remained friendly, but I wanted to be so much more than that. She brought an energy to my life that I didn't know I was missing. I was sure she could tell, Jill wasn't a moron. I guess my friendship meant more to her than any weirdness surrounding my unrequited attraction.

My phone buzzed, "Jill" popped across the screen, along with a picture of us the day we'd graduated from the academy. My parents had flown in; it had been too long since we'd seen each other, mom cried when I crossed the parade ground to receive my badge. I stared at the phone, still buzzing, remembering how well Jill had gotten along with my family. Mom had pulled me off to the side when Jill went off to congratulate some of our fellow grads.

"Okay, so she's perfect, this is the girl you've been spending all your time with?"

I blushed a little, "Yeah, Ma, that's Jill."

Mom stared at me for a long moment, "Does she know you're in love with her?"

I sputtered for a second, looking around to make sure Jill was out of earshot, "Fuck dude, easy, no, she doesn't. I asked her out the first day we met; she didn't want to mix work with a relationship, and honestly? I can't say that I blame her. The ship sailed, and that's that."

Mom opened her mouth to speak when Jill came bounding up, scaring the shit out of me, "Hey bud, talking smack?"

"Quit talking about her; she's here," Mom stage-whispered.

Jill looked shocked, holding a hand to her chest, "Et Tu Sandra?"

"Yep."

I chuckled at Jill's faux-pout, "Fine, then I know when I'm not wanted, and here I was coming to make sure you and Rob were going to let me treat you to dinner."

Mom's eyes lit up, "That's very kind of you, Jill, let's us girls hash it out, the boys can tag along for the ride," Jill offered her arm, complete with a flourish, Mom took it, and the two walked off laughing, but not before mom flashed an evil smile over her shoulder.

Mom, I swear to Jesus…

I shook myself out of the memory and scooped up my phone, answering it and putting her on speaker so that I could finish going over case files,

"What's up, dude?"

"Not shit, wanna hang out?" There was a little slur in her words that tipped me off.

"You drunk, Jill?"

"Maaayybee. Why? You my dad now?"

No double entendre's this late at night; my poor heart can't take it.

"Nah, man, just wondering if I'm gonna have to take care of your sloppy ass again."

"My ass is not sloppy. You don't have a choice here, because in three, two, one."

Someone pounded on my apartment door, and I had a sneaking suspicion…I opened the door. There she was, a light jacket against the still-cool spring air, jeans that hugged her like a second skin, blue eyes sparkling, and a little bit of color in her pale cheeks that let me know she'd definitely been drinking. She breezed past me; such was our friendship, no boundaries, and no bullshit. I watched her sway her way into my kitchen, leaning on the island, and stealing a couple of years off my life when her jacket rode up a touch, exposing a sliver of her toned stomach, "What do they have you working on?"

I shook it off, "Just case files, for now, Chris asked for my help with some organization. Looking forward to getting some real work done here soon."

She smiled, her eyes softening and sending my heart straight into my throat from twenty feet away, "Me too, it'll be good to see how well we all mesh, but with all the training lately, I'd say we're ready." She glanced away and then back into my eyes, setting off little bells somewhere in the back of my mind, "I don't think I ever thanked you for backing me up during Selection; there were a couple of times there where you saved my ass dude."

I waved her off, "We make a good team, besides I didn't want to show you up like that. You want another beer?"

She huffed, pretending to be offended, but the mirth in her eyes was unmistakable, "Sure, if you have one with me."

I looked back at my computer, I still had the rest of the holiday weekend to finish up cataloguing everything, and a beer with Jill sounded like heaven after all the mind-numbing shit I'd waded through.

"That's a plan; then, you pick the movie, I'll get the booze and some popcorn."

Jill drunkenly raised both her fists, "Whoo!" Before charging into my living room to comb through Netflix for something suitably us.

Us. Ouch.

That thought had come unbidden, and it sucked the breath out of me, all the things I'd seen and done, the places I'd hung my hat over the years, nothing compared to the tiny brunette splayed out over my couch, mindlessly thumbing through movies from bad to worse. I grabbed a bottle of rum, and a couple of cans of coke for chasers, along with Jill's beer.

"Miiikkkee? Are you coming or what?"

I chuckled as I chucked the popcorn in the microwave, "Don't whine, it's unbecoming."

"Waaahhhh!"

Now I snorted, almost fumbling the drinks as I walked into the living room to see Jill stretched, upside down over my couch, her legs dangling off the headrest.

"Here's your beer, you fuckin' goon."

She eagerly accepted the Bud, righting herself and twisting the top off, taking a long swig as I idly stirred my mix, more rum than coke at this point.

I always needed something heavy to get through movie nights.

Something was off about Jill tonight; I could feel it as we slogged through Zombeavers(™), munching on popcorn,Her usual commentary was absent, and all her silliness from earlier had fled. Worst of all, she'd edged closer and closer as the night wore on, our shoulders touched where they hadn't before, her fingers idly traced a circle on the part of the couch that marked what little distance remained between us. It was almost as if she was daring herself to get closer.

The thought thrilled and terrified me all in the same breath.

I finished off my fourth drink, fishing for what little was left in between the ice as I searched for the right words; after a moment, I broke the silence, "So you gonna tell me what's going on?" I felt her shift and could almost feel the heat from her gaze on the side of my head, but she didn't answer, so I turned.

She. Was. RIGHT. There.

Her head had fallen back onto the cushions, chocolate brown hair fanning out behind her, blue eyes never wavered from mine, and her soft full lips were parted slightly… invitingly. When I tell you that it took everything I had not to move, I want you to understand my whole meaning. My heart spiked, my breath was coming hot and fast, all I had to do was lean forward an inch, I'd capture those pouty lips with my own, all would be right with the world, and I could finally show her just how much she meant to me.

But her words from that first night echoed in my head, cutting through the haze of alcohol.

She doesn't want you, leave it.

"Mike…I."

The way she said my name, breathy and soft, made my restraint crack just enough, and I edged forward, all caution thrown to the wind. Her next words stopped me dead.

"I met someone."

I felt the floor drop out from under me, "Really?"

She blew out a sigh and leaned forward, "Remember Charlie from Admin when we did our paperwork? He asked me out to dinner at the bar tonight, and I, I said yes." Her voice was small, almost like she was ashamed.

My heart was breaking in my chest, but I was determined not to let her see it. So I plastered a smile on my face, employing every bit of training I had, misdirection, deception, manipulation, all of it clicked into place.

"That's awesome, man! At least one of us will be getting some. Is that what's had you in knots all night? Why?" I finished off with a laugh that didn't sound forced at all; thank you Langley.

Oh, God. I lost her.

Can't lose what you never had, you fucking idiot.

She looked at me through a curtain of hair for a second before tucking it behind her ear, "I don't know, I thought you, uh, might be…"

It hurt like hell, but I cut her off; I had to defuse this awkwardness and quick. "C'mon Valentine. You thought I'd be what? Pissed? Oh no! Some random dude is stealing my buddy? Please, man, we're both adults. I'm happy for you, just let that boy know that I know where he sleeps."

Not yet, but I would shortly.

Her expression didn't brighten; she didn't laugh; she just looked at me, her eyes searching my face for something. All the while, I tried desperately to keep my mask from slipping. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, "You want another drink? Because I'm gonna grab one." I popped off the couch and made my way into the kitchen. "Seriously, Jill, I don't know why you were worried about me of all people. He seemed like a good dude, and god knows we're both overdue for some luck in that department."

When she didn't answer, I poked my head around the corner, "Do I come off as co-dependent or something? Because that's some shit you need to tell me, little buddy."

When she looked up at me, her brows were furrowed, with a look in her eyes like she was trying to solve a Rubik's Cube with all the stickers missing. "Tell me not to go," She whispered.

I dropped the bottle of rum I was holding, catching it in my off-hand before it hit the counter, "What?"

Her voice rang through the apartment, "Tell me not to go, ask me to stay with you and forget all about the date…and I will. Be honest with me, please."

My heart stopped, "Jill, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I know, I know everything, for all that spook shit, you haven't been able to hide anything from me since the first day we met. I know you're in love with me."

When I spoke, my voice, low and venomous, surprised me, "You put up some serious walls, and I respected that. What kind of fucked up game are you playing, Valentine?"

Anger, unbridled, flashed across her face, "I've never played games with you, never, and those walls? You keep fucking chipping away at them!"

That rocked me back on my heels, and she continued, getting off the couch and stumbling into the kitchen, cornering me against the island, "I've never met anyone like you, you're so smart and kind, I know you've got a past, but you never let it define you, not like I have, it's kept me running for years, I don't feel like I have to anymore, not when you're around. You're probably one of the most dangerous guys in this city, and here we are watching bad horror movies and giggling like idiots every Friday night. That duality made me wonder since the moment we met, and it changed me, having someone as amazing as you look at me and see something more than what I am. Me, the fucking thief's daughter, damaged goddamn goods! Charlie asked me out tonight, and all I could think about was you!"

She was on a roll, and I was speechless as it all came pouring out of her, "You respected my wishes all this time even though I know it must've killed you inside. But the thing is when I'm with you, I can barely remember why I said no anymore, and it all seemed so fucking important. Tell me I'm wrong, and I'll go, but I don't think you have it in you to lie to me anymore."

She trailed off, breathing hard like she'd just run a marathon, but she'd been slurring the whole time, and my mind waded in on the subject.

She's drunk.

She doesn't mean it.

She's gonna wake up in the morning and forget all about this.

It's for her own good.

…It's for her own good.

I set the rum on the counter, steadying my breathing, "Jill, I don't know what you're talking about. You're wrong here, I crushed on you for a bit, but I'm not in love with you, not by a long shot."

What are you doing?!

But I knew better, my memory taking me back to the night she'd finally told me the reason.

We'd been drinking a lot, a celebration at my new place the night after graduating from the academy. We felt like conquering heroes, watching bad movies on my couch, and slamming back mixed drinks until the night's small hours.

Jill had opened up to me about everything in the last few hours, something changed, and I didn't question it. She told me all about how her mom had died, and her father had done the best he could, how he was doing ten in the Illinois State pen for burglary, that she'd joined the Army at his urging, trying to break from that life and everything he'd taught her. To make something more of herself. Eventually, the conversation turned to something a lot closer to home.

"You know why I turned you down that night?"

"W-what?" I spluttered, trying to get the beer out of my lungs.

She continued, unfazed by my fucking medical emergency, "I met someone when I was fresh out of AIT…Scott, Scott Parker. He was a goofball, but a good one; he always made me laugh. Before I knew it, I was falling hard. He was the best part of my day; after a while, we even talked about a family. He…" She sighed, and her face broke a little, "He was killed in Al Hasakah… suicide bomber." She sniffed hard, tears brimming in her eyes, "It broke me down, I started drinking hard, almost got kicked out over it. By the time I showed up to Delta, after finally pulling my act together, I'd made myself a promise that I would never get that close to someone in our line of work ever again."

I knew it must've been bad, but at worst, I figured it had been a bad breakup, my heart broke for her as she trailed off."Jill…C'mon, you know you don't owe me an explanation for anything."

She took a shuddering breath, shooting me a tearful smile, "But I wanted to explain, you're my friend, best friend even, and you're not getting rid of me that easy, so I figured you should know."

I couldn't help myself, I wrapped my arms around her, she spilled against me, sniffling softly; I held her like that until we both passed out.

I snapped out of the memory; Jill had stepped back at my admonition like I'd slapped her, "Y-you're not?…" She trailed off, hurt and something else plastered all over her.

I shook my head slowly, "No, dude, I'm not, so there's no good reason for you not to take a chance with Charlie. You deserve to be happy, Jill, unashamedly and with everything you have. I want that for you, no matter what." I almost lost it as I pushed her away, hoping desperately that she would get what I was trying to say.

She caught that, the little crack in my voice, and opened her mouth to say something before her face went blank. When she finally spoke, her voice was flat. "I…uh, I should be getting home." She spun for the door, losing her balance a little, bracing a hand on the wall for support as she pulled out her phone, calling a cab. I could've sworn I heard a soft sob as she yanked the door open.

A raging inferno burned in my chest, threatening to put me down hard if I let it, all I wanted to do was cross the room and stop her, kiss her so hard that it left her gasping, tell her that yes, I was so madly in love with her that it hurt. That hurting her was killing me. Some part of me, the part that had kept me alive all those years, told me that I was doing the right thing, but as the door slammed, I suddenly didn't care about right and wrong. I leaned back on the counter, trying to keep my breathing under control. Counting in my head, just like the shrink told me.

One

Two

Three

Fo-

I grabbed the rum off the counter, and in one smooth motion, hurled the bottle into the wall with all the strength I had, the glass joining pieces of my heart all over the kitchen floor. Tears rolled down my face as I sank to the floor, unable to quell the sobs that forced themselves out of me. I cried for god knows how long, until I finally gave in to the exhaustion and passed out.

I woke up hungover, still on the kitchen floor, compared to sleeping on the floor of a mud hut in Kobane with twenty passed out Kurds, the hard linoleum was the fucking Ritz. I pushed myself off the floor, ignoring the stabbing pain in my heart as I stumbled down the hall towards the shower. The hot water ran over me but did nothing to stop the hangover's pain or the absolute clusterfuck that last night had turned into.

I shaved, got dressed, and went back to my case files, diving back into the work, hoping that it would distract me from the burning desire to find Jill and set the record straight once and for all.

It didn't.

As the hours ticked by, I realized that these case files weren't getting done. But something had to; I grabbed my jacket and headed outside, slinging a leg over my bike, the Indian had set me back some, but there was nothing like a long ride to clear your head. I kicked the engine to life, pulled my helmet on, and roared out of the lot; pulling onto Peach street, I pulled out my phone and went to key up some music at a red light.

I had almost ten missed calls from Jill, a single text, sent after the last call, flashed at me. I pulled over to the curb and opened it with trembling hands.

Mike… I am so sorry about last night; I put you in a really weird position….I'm sorry. I barely remember what I said, but I know I crossed a line or two. I hope you can forgive me. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I lost your friendship because I couldn't hold my liquor. Call me, please, something, just let me know you're alright.

-Jill

Protip: don't get emotional in a motorcycle helmet; fogs the shit out of it.

I sat there staring at the message for a long minute before I started typing.

Can't call, I'm out for a ride, just pulled over to get some gas. Don't worry about me, or us, gonna take a lot more than a drunk night to get rid of me, Valentine. Just enjoy your date and give me a call after if you're not "busy" ;)

I didn't wait for an answer, my chest felt tight, and I needed to get away from this place for a little while…before it killed me. I keyed up a random Spotify playlist, pulling back into traffic.

A song began to play, and I almost dumped the bike.

Of fucking course…

And I's on an island, an island for one.

The strains of Jake Smith's voice hit me like a freight train as I pulled onto the 207, heading up into the Arklay Mountains, desperate to put some temporary distance between Raccoon City and I.

Burning my eyes staring at the sun, staring at the sun

And I's always silent, well had of gone deaf and dumb

I feel like a loser cause I never won, but I never won

'Til you blew in just like paper in the wind

And I just wanted something to believe in

And I just want to be your man, your friend

Carry on with you right down to the very end

Oh, I'm with you

I weaved up the mountain roads, going a little faster than I should have, but outrunning this hollow feeling in my chest was proving to be a full-time job. My mind assaulting me with images of Jill in someone else's arms.

And I's always diving, diving under the gun

Well holding on to nothing, holding onto some, well holding onto some

And I's always striving, but I'm left undone

Countin' the days but the lonely don't lie, they get up, and they run

I skidded to a stop at a turnout, my heart pounding out of my chest, I pulled my helmet off. I tried to catch my breath as I stared out over the valley, the lights of Raccoon starting to come on as the sunset bathed the city in an orange glow; somewhere down there, Jill was dressed to the nines, about to be wrapping Charlie around her finger without meaning to, but doing it all the same. I lit a smoke, trying desperately to convince myself that this was how it had to be…

And failing miserably.

'Til you blew in just like paper in the wind

Well, I just wanted somethin' to believe in

And I just want you on my arm, every limb

Carry on with you right down to the bitter end

Oh, I'm with you

Oh, I'm with you…