If Tony Stark had ever wondered just what it would be like to fight a villain in the midst of someone else playing laser tag around them, he sure knew now.
Loki – because of course it was Loki – and Dr Strange were the main combatants battling it out, streams of orange and green light shooting everywhere as they deflected each other's spells. The rest of the Avengers were more concerned with the army of giant evil teddy bears that Loki had unleashed on downtown Manhattan.
It might not have been too bad, except that Strange and Loki weren't keeping to one spot. What with Strange's cloak and Loki's ability to teleport – or 'skywalk', as he'd bellowed the one time he'd heard Tony call it teleporting – then they were, literally, all over the place. Tony and Sam Wilson in particular were having an awkward time of it, as the sorcerers kept appearing directly in front of them in mid-air. Tony had already almost repulsored Strange three times.
And then, inevitably, one of Loki's spells bounced off several things and Tony wasn't able to get out of the way fast enough.
The bright green light washed over and through him, leaving tingles in its wake. Which was very disturbing when it was his internal organs doing the tingling. Then it receded, leaving Tony hanging in the air, panting, but seemingly no worse for wear.
"Iron Man!" Captain America barked through the comms. "Are you okay? What did that do to you?"
"Uh, nothing," Tony replied, glancing down over himself in bewilderment. "Tingled a bit, but that's it. Perhaps the magic failed? He's been going a long time, probably getting tired…"
As if in response, although there should be no way Loki was able to hear their private comms channel, Loki threw back his head in gales of laughter and abruptly disappeared.
As did the giant teddy bears.
There were several curses in various voices, as attacks were actioned against foes that were suddenly no longer there. Tony and Falcon drifted down to join their teammates on the ground, wary of Loki springing something else on them.
As soon as he touched down, Bucky Barnes and Dr Strange made a beeline for him. Tony immediately stepped out of the suit, knowing his partners would demand it, and Bucky was more than capable of just tearing it off him if he didn't comply fast enough to suit the Winter Soldier. Strange, of course, was equally capable of just vanishing it. Tony had lost at least two suits that way already, because, for some reason, Strange couldn't get them back afterwards.
"I'm okay!" he assured them as soon as they were in earshot. "I'm okay, not a scratch on me, I promise. Even the tingles have gone."
"Hmm." Strange made a series of gestures, and a wash of orange light went over Tony. He basked in it. He didn't like magic at all, but, if pressed, he might admit that he did find Strange's magic… tolerable. Strange frowned as the light faded. "It appears to have gone," he said. "I can't find any traces of it."
"Hey, doc, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?" Tony pointed out.
Strange made another gesture, and the orange light went over him again. "This is Loki," he pointed out in return. "He was aiming at me; the spell shouldn't have just dissipated because it hit the wrong person. Magic doesn't work like that." He frowned harder as the light faded again. "Still nothing. I'm going to head to the Sanctum and see if Wong has any ideas."
"Uh, sure, okay," agreed Tony, even as Strange opened a portal and disappeared through it. He pouted. "What, not even a 'glad you're okay' kiss?" he complained.
Bucky finally laid hands on Tony and began briskly patting him down. He pressed an absent kiss to Tony's shoulder as he went. "I'm glad you're okay," he said.
"Okay, gang, since there's apparently nothing to fight anymore, then… good job," Captain America said. Tony startled; the rest of the Avengers were standing close enough that they had obviously been watching Strange check him out. "Spread out, help with the clean-up, then we can return to the Compound."
"I'll be staying here, at the Tower," Tony corrected as his suit opened for him to get back into it. "Pepper signed me up for meetings tomorrow and is holding me to them by threatening me with her shoes, so it's easier for me to stay here."
Bucky didn't even say a word. He just pointed at Tony.
Steve Rogers rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Fine," he said. "You two will remain here, the rest of us will return to the Compound. Now come on. We've got clean-up to help with."
"At least it's only cotton and stuffing," remarked Clint Barton, twirling one of his arrows around his fingers before sticking it back into his quiver.
Unable to help himself, Tony began humming as he took to the air again, heading towards a large clump of wool that had come from several exploded bears. "If you go down to the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise…"
Bucky and Stephen were both half asleep when Tony rolled out of bed the next morning and stumbled off, presumably heading in the direction of the nearest coffee pot. He always required at least one full pot before he was awake enough to do anything.
Bucky had just about drifted off completely again when a loud crash echoed from somewhere in the penthouse. Both Bucky and Stephen were on their feet in seconds, a knife and a gun in Bucky's hands and golden mandalas encircling Stephen's.
"FRIDAY, what was that?" Bucky hissed.
"Nothing dangerous, Sergeant Barnes," the AI assured him. "But, um…" Uncharacteristically, she trailed off.
Exchanging glances, and keeping their weapons at the ready, the pair slowly exited the master suite, carefully checking as they went. There was something making a muffled noise somewhere, but they couldn't hear any sound from Tony.
Entering the lounge area, though, both men came to a dead stop and gaped at the small kitchenette on the far side. Squashed into the area was, of all things, a giraffe. It was wobbling unsteadily on its feet, constantly shifting as though having trouble with its footing. The long neck was pressed against the ceiling, and its head hung low enough that it could see back into the lounge. It blinked large, limpid eyes at Bucky and Stephen, and made a hoarse noise. It shifted again, and a hoof banged against a cabinet, making it jump.
"…the hell?!" Bucky wondered, his hands lowering the weapons. "Did Tony do this? He wasn't drunk, let alone drunk enough for this. How did he do it?"
The giraffe banged a cabinet again – seemingly on purpose this time – and tried to stretch its neck out towards them. Unfortunately, the top cabinets over the bar were preventing it from manoeuvring.
"Oh, boy," Stephen groaned. He gestured, and his mandalas went floating over to roam around the giraffe, who tried to capture one with its tongue. Its exceedingly long tongue, Bucky noticed. "It's Tony. Damn it, I knew I should have taken him to the Sanctum."
"How did Tony get it in here?" asked Bucky.
Stephen shook his head. "No, Tony didn't bring it here; it is Tony."
Bucky gaped at him. "The giraffe… is Tony," he repeated, wondering if Stephen was attempting some kind of prank. "Our Tony."
The giraffe made another hoarse noise, and this time stretched out its tongue towards the two men. Stephen approached the bar and allowed the tongue to wrap around his wrist. He stroked the giraffe's cheek with his other hand, and the giraffe turned its head into the touch.
"Oh my God." Bucky approached it now, too, and the giraffe actually fluttered its eyelashes and let go of Stephen's wrist to reach for his. "Oh, my God," he said, again, incredulously. "Tony, it is you!"
A hoof banged against a cabinet for a third time, apparently in agreement, and the large head bobbed excitedly.
Stephen was peering critically over the bar. "Are you able to shuffle sideways?" he asked the giraf—Tony. "You'd probably be more comfortable if you can get out of there." He glanced over his shoulder at the seating area, then up at the ceiling. "Or at least," he amended, "you'd have the space to lie down…" He paused again, consideringly. "Do giraffes lie down?" he wondered.
"Not very often if they can help it, Dr Strange," FRIDAY informed him.
"He can stretch his neck out properly," Bucky said. Said neck was currently twitching as Tony attempted to turn his head. Unfortunately, his head was too large to avoid the cabinets, and he couldn't physically back away because of the island in the middle of the kitchenette. "Tony, what the hell are you trying to do?" he asked.
Tony gave a frustrated grunt and rolled his tongue out, gesturing with his nose somewhere behind him on the other side.
Stephen laughed. "I think he's saying he still wants coffee," he said, and Tony made an eager noise, smacking his lips. "Shuffle sideways then, if you can," Stephen repeated. "And then I can see if there's any trace of Loki's spell this time."
Obligingly, the giraffe tried to shuffle sideways. It ended up as more of a lurch, as Tony didn't usually have to contend with legs that were taller than his usual human body in addition to more of them than normal. His long neck and large head were throwing him off, too. Bucky was fairly certain that anyone looking at the giraffe now would say it was drunk.
Tony finally managed to line himself up with the doorway, leaning heavily against the wall, only to discover another problem. Human doorways just weren't made with giraffes in mind, and Tony's body was just too big and too wide to fit through.
"Well, there's a reason that zoos have massive houses for them," Stephen said, philosophically, and raised his hands in an extravagant gesture. The doorframe rippled, and then abruptly expanded enough to fit over Tony. Tony himself looked rather startled, then he glared at Stephen. "Yes, yes, I know, magic bad. I'll put it back," Stephen assured him, rolling his eyes. "Just as soon as you come through it."
With a grumbling sound, Tony tentatively tapped a front hoof on the ground before deciding it was safe to put his weight on it. He lurched again on his way out of the kitchenette, and Bucky had a brief, horrific vision of he and Stephen being crushed under the huge body as it fell on them.
"Boss, you're supposed to move both legs on the same side at once," FRIDAY said.
Tony glanced upwards, flicking his tongue out at one of the sensors buried in the ceiling – "Ew!" FRIDAY complained – and then rolled his neck downwards to peer at his legs. He tentatively lifted a hoof, and then took a purposeful stride forward. His gait this time was much smoother.
Once he was in the larger area, Stephen let the kitchen doorway shrink back down again before he circled around Tony to stand in front of the giraffe. "Hold still," he ordered, and directed a series of orange mandalas to plaster themselves to the animal. Several of them turned green as soon as they made contact, and Stephen gave a pleased hum.
"I can see Loki's magic, now," he informed both Bucky and Tony. "Just stay still a little longer while I get it out of you, but keep thinking of how much you want to be human again…" With that, he grasped hold of something that Bucky couldn't see, and began pulling.
It looked a great deal like Stephen was playing tug o' war with a giant, invisible rope, as he was hauling backwards with what seemed to be all his strength. Tony remained unaffected, casually flicking his tail occasionally.
"For God's sake!" Stephen groaned out when twenty minutes had gone by with no change. "Are you even trying to think of being human?" Tony flicked an ear desultorily at him.
Bucky folded his arms over his chest. "You know, maybe he should stay as a giraffe," he suggested to Stephen. "It'll certainly mean more coffee available for us."
Tony's ears perked up as the giraffe looked at him, then back over his own body into the kitchen. He faced Stephen again, sighed gustily…
…and then the giraffe disappeared with a loud pop, leaving Tony standing in its place.
Tony whooped with delight, even as Stephen landed abruptly on his ass due to the tension he'd been pulling against disappearing. "I'm me again!" Tony hollered. "Now I can finally have my coffee!" And he swooped down to smack a large, wet kiss onto Stephen's cheek before racing back into the kitchen and lunging for the coffee machine.
Bucky laughed at Stephen's expression, then offered a hand to help the other man up. "Perhaps we shouldn't have been so quick to change him back," he joked.
Stephen snorted. "And have him kick us when he realised he wouldn't be able to fit in the workshop?" he retorted. "No, thank you. I'll take the unappreciation."
"Who said I was unappreciative?!" Tony demanded, looking out over the breakfast bar again, a large mug clutched firmly in his hands. "Just let me drink this, and I'll show you how grateful I am."
And he was very grateful, indeed.