Beep

Beep

Beep

JILL!

I came flying halfway off the bed, the EKG flatlining as the leads fell away, blood and saline sprayed the floor as I tore my IV out in one shot. Chris was on me in a second, pushing me back down, hugging me.

"Mike…Brother, stop, you're gonna hurt yourself even more, please…"

"Where is she… Chris, where's Jill? Please, Chris, tell me where she is…" I begged him, "Please…"

He sat back and tried to answer me, his face broke, and sobs racked him, tears flowing down his face. Chris Redfield, reduced to rubble…

I knew right then that she was really gone.

Cold flowed through me…Numb, that's the only way to describe it, I knew there was pain, but it was mercifully distant, shock was a beautiful thing. I knew it wouldn't stay that way. So I hugged Chris, letting him get it out.

She's gone.

She's gone.

Oh, God.

She's gone…

I didn't hear the door open, but I felt another pair of arms loop around me.

Rebecca cried into my shoulder.

She made it real, and the pain ripped through me like a knife.

"Oh… Oh god, oh no…" Tears started, "OH, NO!" I screamed, Chris and Rebecca held me tighter, "NO, NO! OH GOD! NO!"

I screamed, for so long and so loud that the nurse came rushing in, the doctor came right after her, they tried to sedate me, but I blew right through it, the pain was all-consuming, and they couldn't give me anything else, I barely heard them tell Rebecca that it might kill me.

So I begged them for it.

Rebecca and Chris stayed with me all night; Chris held my hand from his chair, Becca curled up on the bed and held me close. I didn't want comfort; I wanted to die. I wanted to be with Jill again. A shrink came, and I told him as much, he recommended psych observation, Rebecca told him to go fuck himself, and they stayed some more, Chris told me about all the things I had left, and I slowly started to believe him, on the third day I even ate a little.

The hospital finally let me out a few days later.

I quit the BSAA that day; I couldn't take seeing the place we'd built together.

I couldn't go to our flat, so I stayed on Chris's couch and sold it furnished.

I decided to go home.

Chris had already told my parents, they'd called my cell while I was under, he wanted to let them know I was alright, but when they'd asked about Jill, he couldn't lie…I considered it mercy.

We pulled into my driveway a little over a week after Jill died. Chris drove from Sheridan, Rebecca rode in the back; I'd told her she didn't have to come, but she wouldn't be swayed. Mom was on the porch, Dad alongside her.

My strong, steadfast Mother cried like a child when she saw me; Dad wasn't any better. Chris and Rebecca tried to hang back, but soon they were sitting on that rough-hewn deck, all of us sharing our pain.

And there was so much to go around.

Hours later, Chris and Rebecca were settled in guest rooms. Mom wouldn't hear of them staying in a hotel; I was laying on the couch, Mom was holding me like she had when I was a kid, my head in her lap. I'd cried myself out, every so often I would shake uncontrollably, and Mom would hold me tighter; Dad sat opposite, holding my hand, tears still streaking down his face.

I heard the creak of hardwood behind me.

"Couldn't sleep?" Dad asked, looking over Mom's shoulder.

"No.," Chris answered, "Mind if I stay with you guys for a little while?"

Mom looked up and shook her head, "No, honey, you stay here if you need to."

I heard sniffling from behind me, someone trying to hold back their tears.

I reached my hand up and over the back of the couch; a moment later, I felt Chris slide his shaking hand into mine.

"Hey, brother," I whispered.

"Hey, M… Hey Mike."

"Thank you."

He stepped forward, looking down at me with tears in his eyes, "For what?"

"For being my friend, my family, for always being there when it really counts, I love you, man."

"I love you too, Mike, I'll always have your back."

All the way.

I smiled through my tears, "I know you will, Redfield."

Another creak, "Oh, um… I'm sorry if I'm interrupting."

"Becca?"

I heard her padding around the couch; she sat on the floor next to Dad, her eyes red and puffy from crying, "Hey Mike…"

Tears slid down my face, but my family was all here now.

Not all of them.

I closed my eyes against the newest round of pain and let the exhaustion take me.

Rebecca and Chris stayed until they couldn't, helping around the farm and keeping me level.

Once they left, I almost lost my mind.

I laid around my house for too long, drinking, getting into fights in town just to feel something. It got to the point where the cops and I were on a first-name basis. Then one cold night in January, I almost went too far.

One night changed everything….

I ripped my jacket off and tossed it into the corner, "C'mon you fuck, I've had it with your fucking mouth!"

The college kid and his buddies surrounded me; out of the corner of my eye, I saw the bartender dialing on her phone. Didn't have to be a genius to figure that one out.

The leader of the little pack smiled, "It's one against five; you sure you want to do this, man?"

"I don't have all night, you little shit, let's go."

He shrugged, and they closed in on me. My muscles hummed, time seemed to slow down, they moved like they were underwater, I was already picking my targets when a voice from another life wrenched me out of my murderous musings.

"I don't think you want to do this, guys."

Frank?

He laid a hand on my shoulder and pushed past me, "Whatever this is? It's over now, walk away."

The frat boy scoffed, "Who's going to make us old man?"

Frank smiled, "Kid, I'm saving your life. Mike? Outside…Now."

It all ran out of me in an instant, and all of a sudden, I was so exhausted and ashamed. "Okay…Meet you out front."

I dragged my feet out the door, ignoring the jeering taunts from the kids; they had no idea how close they came.

Who the fuck was I anymore? I'd been ready to kill those kids for no reason.

Maybe the virus had turned me into a monster after all.

Frank stormed out the door after me, "What the fuck, Kelly? I get a call from Sandy, saying she's scared out of her mind because you get a little further off the Rez every day. I gotta come out to the middle of nowhere to see you getting ready to murder a bunch of college kids. You want to be straight up with me or what?"

I sagged against the building, lighting a smoke, "What can I tell you? Shit's rough all over."

Frank snapped forward and knocked it out of my hands, getting right in my face, "You want to pull this bad motherfucker bullshit with anyone else, be my guest, but you don't get to act tough with me, Kelly. Don't forget that I know you."

I stared at him, rage taking me over, "You think you know how I feel, old man? Want to take a stab at losing your fiancé right in front of you? Spare me." My cheeks were suddenly wet, and I wondered why, "Spooks don't get happy endings, you told me that, well, I got close. Now it's gone, she's gone, why should I give a fuck anymore?"

"I failed her, Frank, if I'd been faster, stronger, she'd still be here, maybe I wouldn't, but if she got to live, then I'd gladly die SCREAMING a thousand times over. It should have been me, I fucking deserved it, not her!"

He let me vent, watching me with an unreadable expression on his face, and spoke the simple words that leveled me to my soul.

"Would Jill want this?"

I had no answer; the angry and embittered part of me wanted to scream that she was dead, that she didn't want anything anymore.

But the other part of me, the part that Jill had found, grabbed ahold of and pulled, kicking and screaming, into the light. Told me that he was right…

I collapsed against the wall, spent, "I can't do this anymore, Frank… I sat in the back pasture and stared at my gun for three hours the other day, just wondering if it would kill me…I wanted to find out Frank. It's too much, it's too much…"

I broke, sobbing into my hands, " I've done so many things for this country, for you, for innocent people that will never know my name but owe me their lives. I thought I was past the point of redemption, too far gone. Then she showed up…" I sucked in a breath, "Little by little, she made me realize that I was someone who deserved love, no matter what."

"What do I do now, Frank? What the fuck do I do now?" I sank to my knees, crying harder.

Frank got down on the snow-covered street and hugged me, "Not this, son. Not this. You're one of the best men I've ever had the privilege to know, and I won't let you destroy yourself."

I leaned into him and cried, but the pain wouldn't stop; I was losing myself to it.

He rubbed my back like you would a child who had a nightmare, "Easy kid, easy. Listen, I need someone for a job, nothing like what you did with SAD; it's an Embassy gig, nothing but paperwork. It'll keep you busy, we can get you back on the payroll and get you some help. What do you say? Let me help you, Mike, let me do this…Please."

His voice broke towards the end and stunned me; I'd never seen him cry, Frank didn't cry.

I nodded slowly, "I need help, Frank, I can't do this anymore."

"I know, son, I know. Let's get you out of here."

He hauled me to my feet and let me lean on him all the way to his rental. The snow gently fell as we drove off into the night to try and rebuild my shattered life.

Mom and Dad were outside when we pulled up. I stepped out of the rig and walked towards them slowly, so ashamed that I couldn't look them in the eye.

Mom ran the last few feet and grabbed me, crying into my chest, Dad was right behind her.

"I'm sorry, God, I'm so sorry…" I whispered, adding my own tears to the fray, "I've put you guys through so much shit…I'm so sorry…"

Mom pulled back, looking up into my eyes, "I love you, Mikey, I need you to try, please. I need you to be okay."

Dad nodded, "Me too, son, I can't imagine what you're going through, but this isn't the answer."

I hugged them both tightly, "I know, and I promise I'll try. I think…I think I've gotta leave for a while. Get my head on straight. You guys remember Frank Miller, right?"

They nodded, and I stepped back, motioning to Frank, who had stayed well back, letting us have our moment. Now he got close, shaking hands.

"Rob, Sandra. It's been a long time, I came as soon as I could. It seems like I was a little late, and for that, I'm sorry. I've offered Mike a job with us, something safe, and once he's back, I can get him some help on the government dime."

"Thank you, " Mom whispered.

Dad nodded, smiling softly, the bags under his eyes told me just how hard I'd been hitting the people who loved me.

Frank waved them off, "I promise you that we'll take care of him any way we can. Unfortunately, we have a plane to catch. If you're in, Mike, you might want to go throw a bag together."

I nodded and walked into the house, ready for whatever came next.

Two Years Later

I glanced around the room impassively, hating every second of this. State had asked for my attendance, and I'd been loathe to accept, but as the Station Chief in Nairobi, I had obligations. As I scanned the disingenuous faces of people jockeying for political acclaim, I didn't notice that I'd picked up a tail, like a shark circling me through the crowd.

She'd caught me as I stood by the hors d'oeuvre table.

"Mike?"

For a second, I almost didn't recognize her. Her red hair had grown out from that short style she'd kept it in a lifetime ago, falling just below her shoulders, her green eyes sparkled at me as she smiled. Her attire was no less stunning, the navy blue dress fell just past her knees, her legs sheathed in stockings, capped with a pair of heels that brought the top of her head just about eye level.

Ms. Chambers had grown up quite a bit since I'd last seen her.

"Hey, Becca." I offered her a token smile, my voice sounded hollow, the memories rushing back like a freight train. She noticed, and her own smile faltered.

She doesn't deserve this.

I forced my smile into something resembling human, "What brings you to Kenya?"

"As the liaison between BSAA and the UN, I was asked to come…Plus, I heard you'd be here."

I quirked an eyebrow, "Keeping track of me, Chambers?"

She sipped her champagne and nodded, "I…I missed you if I'm completely honest. We've been through far too much together for you to just disappear." Her face fell, and I found myself wanting to make her smile again, "Not that I blame you… Chris wanted me to send his best, say's he's sorry he hasn't called. I don't know if he told you yet. He's moved up in the world, Captain now, leading his own unit."

"Chris was always meant to lead guys, he's the best of us."

"But you led us too, through the mansion, and afterward, you kept us alive."

I shook my head, "No, Bec's, you guys did that. I was pro at looking like I had it together, but it was all luck."

She surprised me then, hooking her arm into mine, "I'd have followed you anywhere…I still would. You earned that right."

I chuckled bitterly, willing the tears to stay put, "Yeah, some leader I was, you measure those successes by the people you bring home alive…"

Becca leaned into me, maybe it was the champagne, "Hey, don't. She loved you, and I know if she could've chosen how to go, it would've been defending you and Chris like she did." Her voice turned hard, "So don't you dare make this about you, Jill made her choice, respect it, no matter how much it hurts."

I nodded, the sad smile never leaving my face, "Yeah…Right."

She squeezed my arm, and for reasons I couldn't fathom, I was acutely aware of her breasts pressing against me.

I changed the subject for both our sakes, "Are you going to be in town for long?"

She shook her head, "Only a few days, we should take some time… if you're not busy, play some catch-up."

I smiled, and this time it felt real, "No time like the present, I was about to head outside for a smoke, care to join me?"

She smiled brilliantly, "Lead on."

We weaved through the crowd, Becca stayed stuck to me the whole time, and I tried to wave it off, but the part of me that was always assessing people, their desires and motivations, told me the story clear as day.

I hoped it was just the champagne.

We walked out onto the balcony, and I dug for one, snapping my zippo open and lighting it. I leaned against the railing, looking out over Nairobi proper; it was a beautiful city at night, the twinkling lights juxtaposed with the plains beyond made for a powerful scene. I smelled Becca's perfume and glanced over, she was leaning right next to me, and I tried not to notice what her crossed arms did to her body in that dress.

For reasons I couldn't fathom, I failed.

"Mike?" She said my name softly, never taking her eyes off the city before us.

"Yeah, Becca?"

"I…Nevermind…I'm going to go grab some more champagne. Would you wait for me?"

I smiled at what she did and didn't say, "Like I'd run off and leave you Bec's, go, I'll be here."

She blushed, "Alright, back in a flash." She hurried off, shooting a look back at me over her shoulder, before disappearing inside.

Oh, fuck me, what is this now?

You know exactly what this is, she all but told you, all you have to do is listen.

Becca had something on her mind, the little touches, the smiles, not just now, but all along, it was a rhetorical issue. The only real question was, what was I supposed to do with it? Two years hadn't put a dent in the hole in my chest where Jill used to be, and Becca had always been Becca.

Well, now she's trying to get out of that particular box, it seems.

She walked back through the door and saved me from myself, carrying two flutes of champagne, her smile had turned false, nervous almost.

"I…I brought you one too."

I pointed at my still full glass resting on the railing.

Her eyes went wide, "Oh, of course, you already had one…"

My turn to do the saving, "Thanks, Bec's, saved me from having to go back for another." I smiled as warmly as I could, winking at her, playing the hunch… She looked like she was about to swallow her tongue.

"Y-you're welcome, Mike."

Bingo, there it was.

I looked at her, really looked at her, shocked that the realization filled me with a pleasant warmth, instead of the indifference I'd felt every time I'd been propositioned since Jill died.

She was doing her best to look casual, but the nervous little movements of her body gave it away, her left hand played with her hair, a light blush spread across her cheeks, those impossibly green eyes kept flicking my way, I was staring now, and I couldn't stop myself.

If it had been any other woman, I would've walked away. But I'd fought beside Becca, bled with her, she'd been a constant source of light in the darkness. And up until this moment, I'd always seen her as the little sister I never had.

Now, though? I saw a woman, the only woman on earth that understood.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

I was back on that sidewalk outside of Jay's before I could stop it, and the thought sent me reeling.

Just admiring the view.

I deflected, leaning on the railing, "Just proud of you Bec's, twenty-four and you're flying around the world, telling everyone what's up, a subject matter expert on the deadliest series of viruses the world has ever seen. I'm sorry I haven't really been around since…you know…But there it is all the same. I never meant to run out on you or Chris. But I had to get away, it still hurts, hell it'll never stop hurting."

She was blushing even harder at my praise, but her eyes were soft, almost sad, "I know. I know how much you loved each other; I watched it grow into something so beautiful, I was glad to just be near it. Even I could see that something like that doesn't come along very often." Her face changed; she was searching for words, an almost surreal thing to see from someone who was probably one of the smartest people on the planet.

"Do…Do you think you'll ever be able to be with…A-Anyone else?"

Whatever reply I had to the beautiful things she'd said died on my tongue. For some reason, amid my shock, a poem I'd read once sprang to mind…

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

I had to be careful here; I desperately didn't want to hurt her…or myself.

"I… I don't know Rebecca. I just don't know."

She looked down, keeping an eye on her feet, so they didn't run off on her, "That's the first time you've called me Rebecca in years."

I tried to smile and failed, emotions whirled around me like a storm, "I guess it is, huh?"

"I never liked nicknames, you know, but I didn't mind you shortening it at all. It made me feel like I was part of the team; you always made me feel welcome, not like a liability at all. I don't know that I ever thanked you for that." She was getting closer, the words pouring out of her in a mad rush.

Put this out of its misery, you're going to hurt her.

"After the mansion, I was scared of my own shadow, but you always saw the best in me, even when I let you down, or cracked under pressure. I always felt s-safe."

She was stumbling over words, but she moved forward resolutely, backing me up against the railing; she finally looked up when she almost stepped on my foot, her green eyes were shimmering, the poor thing was shaking like a leaf.

But so was I.

"I suppose that's why it happened, I never could keep my feelings in check. I'm much better with numbers and formulae… I tried Mike… I tried for so long, it was wrong of me. But I never wanted to…I couldn't…Oh…Fuck it."

She darted forward and kissed me, her lips were hot, almost feverish. A small moan slipped out of her, her tightly shut eyes leaked a tear or two.

Jill's memory roared at me. But my wide, shocked eyes slid closed, I tried to move, to return the kiss, to do anything but stand there. Nothing worked.

We came up for air a second later, Becca's eyes fluttered open, a dreamy expression plastered across her face for a moment, before it devolved into one of sheer horror, tears springing to her eyes.

"Oh Mike, oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't…Oh no." She was coming apart in front of me, shaking in her heels. She turned to run, a little sob rushing out of her.

I tried to say something as she walked back inside, but the words just wouldn't come.

Stop her, you fucking fool.

My feet started working again, and I bolted after her, pushing my way inside, past diplomats and Embassy staff, I caught a flash of her dress heading out the front door. Now I was really moving, trying to sort myself out.

Okay, so Becca kissed me.

Fuck.

She's in love with me, if that little meltdown was anything to go by, has been for a while.

Double Fuck.

What do I do?

No impact, no fucking idea.

Find her first, worry about all that later.

I hauled ass through the lobby, spying Becca heading for her UN issued vehicle.

"Rebecca!" I shouted; she paused as she reached for the handle, "Becca, wait!"

I slowed up as I got close, "Becca I-"

"I know, I'm horrible," She whispered, leaning back against the car, her tears streaking her makeup, "You're not ready, you never will be, and I can't blame you. I miss her every single day, but you loved her. And then I came here and betrayed her memory by being so damn selfish!" She trailed off, choking on something that obviously hurt like hell.

But I didn't feel that way at all.

"Becca, listen to me, please. You just surprised me, yes… I loved Jill," Using it in the past tense hurt, but I soldiered on, " It still hurts, it might never stop, and I know I'll never be the same…But Becca… Maybe…"

Her eyes had gone wide, "Maybe?"

I moved, grabbing her hands in mine, "All I know is that right now, I don't want you to go. I barely believe it myself. You're not betraying Jill; I know that if she had a say, she wouldn't want either of us hurting over this. I just don't want you hurt if I can help it, but I don't know that I can."

She looked down, to where our fingers were intertwined, "I couldn't keep it in anymore, Mike I don't know when I fell in love with you, it happened so fast, I never wanted to get between you and Jill, I was never jealous or spiteful, you should know that. I meant what I said, I was just happy to be close to you, both of you."

"I love you because you were always there for me, at my weakest moments, there you were. How could I not love you? You're an amazing person, always trying to help people, putting yourself in danger for no reason other than it's the right thing to do. I wish I had that strength."

I shook my head, "But you do, Becca, you always have, remember that raid in France? You ran in like an animal, dragged that D-boy out, you did that, tiny little thing that you are, you pulled him clear and saved his life."

She smiled, "Alex…He sends me birthday cards, has his children sign them, his wife sends me cookies."

"You gave them their dad and husband back safe, you're my hero Bec's, have been for a long time. We all knew what we signed up for; you got thrown into it when you were just a baby. And you might not have thrived, but you survived."

She blushed again, squeezing my hands tightly, "And there it is, you always have such a way with me, making me feel like I'm so much more than what I am."

I cocked my head, "You're amazing, Becca, you always have been, nothing more or less."

"Is that really what you see?" She asked softly.

I nodded, meeting her gaze with a smile, "Hard to see anything else."

I pulled her into a hug, "I don't know that I can give you what you need from me, Becca, I think I can only hurt you."

She shivered against me, sniffling, "Is it sick that I'd rather have you and be hurt by it than walk away right now?"

I pressed my lips to the side of her head, feeling the heat rising in my face, "Only if it's sick that I want you to stay, knowing what I know."

"We have problems," She mumbled into my shoulder.

I chuckled, "Where's the fun in being well-adjusted?"

"Not much there, if my co-workers are anything to go by. Mike?"

"Yeah, sweetheart?"

"Thank you. Thank you for everything…I love you."

I held her tighter, "I know, honey. I wish I could tell you the same. I wish it with all my heart."

She sniffled, "S'okay, I needed to say it out loud, just once…Do you think I could stay with you tonight?"

I sighed, stroking her hair softly, "I…I don't know if that would be a good idea."

"I'll keep my hands to myself." She wiggled her fingers against my back, her face still buried in my neck.

Some part of me was disappointed. But I couldn't help the laugh that slipped out of me, real and genuine for the first time in forever.

"Ya know what? Deal. Movies and bad food?"

She hugged me tighter. I felt all that love pouring into me, and it helped, like nothing had in a long time.

"Deal."

We roared off the property in my Agency issued BMW; I didn't explain shit to anyone.

We spent the night throwing popcorn at the screen and yelling at stupid horror movie tropes. When the time came, Becca slipped into bed next to me, playing with my hair as I leaned against her chest. Her voice gently lulling me to sleep; I hadn't known she had such a beautiful voice, but the soft melody was magical, it had no words, but it said everything.

I was out before I knew it, and for the first time in years, no nightmares came calling.

I woke softly; the pain was there, but distant and dull like a healing wound. Rolling over, I realized two things.

My bed was empty.

And something smelled terrific.

Investigate?

Check.

I hopped out of bed, still in my sweats from last night, and wandered into the kitchen. Becca was reaching for the top shelf, her tank top rode up a little, and I caught myself staring, watching the muscles in her back flex as she groped for something. She really was beautiful, sensual in her own way, and so smart it almost intimidated me.

I leaned against the door frame and watched her struggle. Finally, she huffed, walking over to the kitchen table and grabbing a chair, dragging it over with a few muttered curses, mounting up and finally grabbing the cinnamon that I kept there.

Then the chair rocked and slipped out from underneath her.

A gasp slipped out of her, and I moved. Bolting across the kitchen and catching her an instant before she hit the tiles.

"Jeez, Chambers, do I have to baby-proof this place or what?" I grinned down at her, but her eyes were still shut tightly; she shook a little in my arms.

Right, faster reflexes.

She cracked an eye open, peering around the room. I chuckled, "Hi Bec's."

"H-hi Mike, where did you come from? That was so fast."

I smiled, "Well, Doc, I'm a superhero, remember?"

She blushed, "It's one thing to hypothesize; it's another thing to feel it in action. Thank you, that would've really hurt."

I stood up, marveling at how light she was, "Like I'd let something happen to you, Becca, haven't yet, right?"

"N-no, you've definitely… taken care of me."

I realized I was still carrying her bridal-style; her arms had encircled my neck out of…

Reflex

Yeah, that's it.

I was painfully aware of how close her lips were. Her wide green eyes stared at me, unblinking.

"…Mike?"

Easy Kelly, you drew the line; she's not a Yo-Yo.

Something smells…on fire.

Becca smelled it too, flailing in my arms, "My pancakes!"

I set her back on her feet, and she raced to the stove, the smoking griddle looked like a war-crime in the making. I strolled over to back her up, trying to keep the smile off my face at how adorable she was, fretting over the charred remains of her sweet gesture.

"What can I do?"

She sighed, "Order something."

I wrapped an arm around her and gave her a squeeze, "Can do, thank you, Becca, this is really sweet, I'm sorry I fucked it up."

She shook her head, "You really didn't, you saved me, again…I'm the one that did…this," She waved her hand at the nightmare.

"You really need to stop being so hard on yourself, it was a wonderful gesture, and I appreciate the thought, no matter what, okay?" She nodded sadly, and I almost laughed at how cute she looked, all downtrodden and shit.

I grabbed her hand, suddenly wanting nothing more than to make her feel better despite my protesting mind, my thumb drew small circles on her knuckles, "I know a really great place down the block, you relax, pick us out a movie, and I'll run down there and grab some food. Sound good?"

She smiled up at me, all of her worry and embarrassment drained away in a flash, "That sounds…perfect."

Her voice held an almost dreamy note that I couldn't ignore, her eyes held nothing short of adoration. I gave her hand a squeeze and bolted, my stubborn heart refusing to slow down.

I walked down the street, trying to shake it off, but the part of me that screamed that it was too soon was slowly getting lost in the love I'd seen in Becca's eyes. I dug for my phone; I needed some advice.

"Hello?" She sounded groggy, and I winced at having forgotten the time difference.

"Mom?"

"Mike? Everything okay?"

I smiled, "Yeah, everything is fine, I just…I need to talk to you about something. I can try you later if you want to go back to sleep."

"No, no, I'm up. I miss talking to you anyway, honey, what's up?"

I spied a bench and took a seat, deciding to just go for it. "Rebecca showed up last night."

"Oh?"

I chuckled at the midwestern colloquialism, missing home a little, "Yeah, and…fuck. She told me she was in love with me."

"Rebecca? The genius? That sweet little thing tracked you down to tell you that?"

"Yep. Said she was in the country on business, but I think I would've heard."

"Sly…I imagine that's what got you in knots."

I shifted and dug for a smoke, "I told her I couldn't. But I just don't know, she stayed over, nothing happened, nothing physical at least. But I woke up, and she was making me breakfast. I…"

"If you're waiting for me to tell you what to do, I can't. Only you can do that."

I sighed, "I know Ma, but there's a spark there, something that if I took the time to really try, I feel like it could be something beautiful. But I still love Jill, I don't think I'll ever stop loving her."

"Do you want my real opinion here?"

I nodded for a second before realizing she couldn't see me, "I do. No bullshit, because this is tearing me up."

"Jill would want you to find someone, she told me as much. We were hanging out on the porch while you were helping your Father, talking about you and how much of an impact you'd had on each other's lives."

"She told me that her biggest fear was that if anything ever happened to her, that you'd go back to being alone forever. She never wanted that for you. I can't tell you if you're ready, but I can tell you that she loved you enough, cared enough, that she wanted you to be happy, no matter what. Rebecca is a sweet, amazing woman; the fact that her and Jill were like sisters only makes it better; you have someone who really understands. You'll never have to tip-toe around what happened to Jill, you can share it with her."

I sat there for a moment, lost in thought, "I…Wow…I wasn't expecting that…"

"Well, it's the truth, I'd swear it on your life. I saw how she was with you when she was here; there's love there, and a bond that I can't begin to understand. All I know is that girl would walk through hell for you with a smile on her face."

"I know she would, and that's why I desperately don't want to make a mistake and hurt her."

"Then don't hurt her, take your time, and if it's real, let it be real. You should be happy, Mike. God knows I'll miss and love Jill until the day I die, but you deserve a life; I know wherever she is, she'd agree."

She was right; I was massively over-complicating this, time to just…let it be. I wiped my misty eyes and sat up straighter.

"Thanks, Ma, I really needed to hear that, all of it. I'm gonna go grab some food; I'll call you later?"

"I'm glad, honey. Of course, I'll be here."

I smiled, "Okay, Mama, give Dad a hug for me?"

"Will do, I love you, kiddo."

"I love you, too…Bye."

I heard the line go dead, and I leaned back against the bench, finishing my cigarette, the African sun beating down on me. And for the first time in a very long time, I reveled in the warmth on my face.

Mom was right, and as much as it hurt, Jill had been right too; I couldn't spend forever alone, in love with a ghost; she'd worked so hard to help me become more than I ever thought I could be, and to destroy that because she was gone was a bigger affront to the amazing woman she was than trying to be happy.

I pushed myself off the bench, whistling a song from a long time ago as I made my way through the crowd with a spring in my step, Rebecca's face flashed across my mind, and I let her beauty roll over me.

Was I truly ready?

Shaky ground.

But I would go where the current took me, and stop denying myself the chance.

I was about to seriously hurt myself trying to get my key in the lock juggling the food and the coffee, the door popped open, and I almost dropped the whole shebang. Becca jumped a little, "I, um I heard you struggling, figured I'd come, ya know…Save the day!"

She finished with a nervous, beautiful smile, complete with jazz-hands.

I cracked up, almost dropping the coffee again, "Never change Becca, please, I'm begging you. Can you grab the coffee before I fumble it and we're really fucked?"

"Oh…sure." She relieved me of the carrier and retreated, setting it on the counter.

I laid out the spread, "I've got Mahamri, think coconut doughnuts, I didn't like them at first, but they really grow on you. I also got some old standbys, Bacon and Eggs on a roll; I didn't know if you like coconut. And I'm rambling a bit, huh?"

Becca was playing with her hair, smiling softly, "It all looks wonderful, thank you."

I smiled as warmly as I could despite my pounding heart, "Of course Bec's, did you…" I got lost in her eyes for a second, "Did you manage to find us a movie?"

She smiled sweetly, nodding, "I did, "The Bay" I've never seen it before, but it looks good."

I'd seen it…eh… but I'd be damned if I'd tell her that, "I can't wait. I'll grab some…" Dishes were already waiting, forks and everything.

"I hope you don't mind, I got everything ready." She twirled a lock of hair around her fingers idly, looking everywhere but at me.

Oh, be still my beating heart.

I leaned against the counter, trying to get it together, "I don't mind at all, Becca, saved me the trouble."

"Well, why don't you go sit and I'll um, I'll get the plates together?"

There was a little tremor in her voice, it almost leveled me, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I lost at my own game.

I smiled, "I can help, hun."

"No, I've got it, you go relax." Her voice gained a little bit of weight as she shooed me into the living room, "Go."

I held up my hands, defeated in more ways than one, "Alright, alright, I know when I'm beaten."

I slid onto the couch, waiting; I could hear Becca moving around the kitchen, no doubt trying to make everything perfect.

She had no idea that it already was.

My phone buzzed on the table. A number I didn't recognize scrolled across the screen.

"Hello?"

"Mike?"

"Chris? Everything okay?"

"Everything's…fine. Listen, Mike, I need some help with your neighborhood."

I shifted the phone to my other hand, "I'm all ears, man, tell me what you need."

"I need to know what you know about a place called Kijuju."

"Burkina Faso, right? Any particular reason?"

"Just chasing down some things."

I leaned back into the cushions, "You gonna be at this number?"

"Yep."

"Alright then, I'll do some digging; call you tomorrow and lay it out."

"Sounds good, Mike… it's good to hear your voice, brother."

"You too, man. Talk to you soon."

I killed the call and pulled up a map of the area, trying to ignore the fact that Chris had sounded like he wanted to tell me something.

Rebecca walked in and chased it away, setting our plates on the coffee table, which seemed to jog her memory as she was halfway to sitting down, "Oh, I forgot the coffee." She ran off again, and I smiled at the antics; she was too cute for her own good.

She came back, handing me my, thankfully still hot, cup of Kenyan Gold before grabbing some couch, her leg brushing against mine, she was trying to get close without getting close.

I smiled and keyed up the movie, tossing my phone on the table; I'd check it out tonight.

We ate in silence, the air between us comfortable but charged.

"This is amazing, I really love these, what are they?"

I chuckled, "Mahamri, Donuts, made with coconut."

Becca munched on one idly, her eyes tracking the screen, "They're delicious."

She was really something.

Go for it.

I threw my arm around her and gently pulled her into my side, gently planting a kiss on the side of her head. She was so wrapped up in the garbage movie that she didn't notice at first; when it finally hit her, she stiffened, the donut half in her mouth.

"Mmph?"

I couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled out of me as she inhaled the donut in record time, keeping my eyes fixed on the screen, "You were too far away."

I watched her jaw drop in the reflection, she slowly turned red, her hand shakily reached up and grabbed mine, I leaned back and took her with me. Slowly she relaxed, leaning into me, I pulled her almost into my lap, running my fingers through her hair.

"Mike?" Her voice was small and so very nervous.

"Yeah, Becca?"

"What, um, what's happening right now?"

I dragged my nails over her scalp gently, "I don't know, but if you want to wait and see, I do too."

She sat up like someone had zapped her, something like great and terrible hope in her eyes, "What about last night?"

I looked away for a second, trying to come up with my honest feelings about it; under the layers of emotion, I found my answer, "I was afraid. I don't think there's been a time in my life when I wasn't afraid, Becca. But you and…what I feel for you, scared the shit out of me."

"Well, that's perfe-… Wait what?… "What you feel for me?" What do you feel for me, Mike?"

"Becca, I'm broken, big time, in a lot of ways, but you already know that, better than anyone. And you love me anyway. How's a guy supposed to argue with that?"

I sighed, Jill came rushing back, but this time she was smiling.

Go, live.

Okay baby…

"I can't fight the fact that something changed between last night and today, I'm not where you've been all this time. I'm not in love with you, but if I'm honest, I'm not real far off either. I said a lot of really safe things last night, but I was only protecting myself. I know now that I can try… and I want to try with you, Becca."

She sat back, her green eyes shimmering, "I…I don't…Are you sure?"

I nodded, feeling the ember in my chest burst into flames. I reached up, running my hand through her hair, gently pulling her face closer and closer until our lips made contact, she shook against me, but I pressed forward, pushing her into the cushions, sliding my hands all over her as gently as I could, despite my pounding heart.

I broke the kiss, Becca's eyes were wide, staring at me; I gently kissed her forehead before staring right back into those deep green pools, "I'm sure."

"Oh," Such a small sound, "Oh…Mike…I…Am I dreaming?"

She looked like she was about to explode, shaking, unshed tears in her eyes. So I kissed her again, pouring long-dead parts of myself into it, trying desperately to convey everything I couldn't say…yet.

We parted, both a little worse for wear; Becca kept her eyes closed as I tried to catch my breath.

"Not dreaming… definitely not dreaming…" She whispered.

I smiled, "No, honey, you're definitely not."

"Mike?"

"Yeah?"

"Take me to bed?" She covered her face as she spoke, blushing to the tips of her ears.

Oh Lord, have mercy.

I grabbed her hands, ghosting my lips across her, knuckles, "Are you sure?"

Was I sure?

She nodded, her eyes still shut tight, "Yes, please."

Shit, oh dear, she's trying to kill me.

I stood and scooped up her trembling form, making my way to the bedroom.

All of my doubt bled out of me as I carried her.

Painful memories lingered at the edges, but right then I only had eyes for Becca.