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Chapter 58- Terra Coppersmith
The scenery outside the window goes by so fast that it blurs together. The train is taking me along the same journey I took when I was reaped, just over two weeks ago, only now it's in reverse. I'm the only tribute who left home to return to it, and it hurts inside when I think of it.
As the world outside goes by, taking me farther away from the Capitol every second, I try to piece together who I am again. Terra Coppersmith, age sixteen. Who went to school and worked in the factories. Who has a little sister who's only eight, and a best friend that I'm going to have to face soon. What am I going to do about Deecey? Is she going to care that I fell in love with the boy she liked? Does it even matter now that I've won?
I know that I'm not the same person I was when I left. I left parts of me behind in the Capitol and in the arena, physically and mentally. I don't know what I'm going to do at home.
"Hey, how are you doing now?" Shuttle asks, coming to sit down beside me. Woven's off somewhere else, and Postumius is supposed to be escorting me home, but he's hungover in a bedroom in the back of the train.
"I'm okay," I say, but I feel blank.
"What are you thinking about?" she asks.
I turn to look at her. "What's going to happen at home? Everything is going to be different now. What did you do when you won?"
"I slept a lot. My family was happy to have me back, but I know they judged me for what I did in the arena. It got easier after a while, but not by much." Shuttle has a faraway look in her eyes.
"The arena messed us up, didn't it?" I say, looking out the window again.
"All the victors have damage; some are able to move past it, some aren't. Don't self-medicate yourself if you can help it. Once you go down that path, there's no going back," she says.
"How am I going to handle Iry? I'm her guardian again, and we'll have to move, and I don't know how I'm going to do it."
"Woven and I are just down the street from you in the Victor's Village, you know that. I'll help you get settled and keep an eye on you."
"Was it worth it?" I ask.
"Was what worth it?"
"Winning. Was it worth all the pain?"
Shuttle doesn't answer for a little bit. "I don't know," she finally says. We sit in silence for a few minutes more, then she gets up and walks away, leaving me to look out the window until the day turns into night.
Woven comes and gets me after a while; supper is ready. She helps me along to the dining room, since it's harder than normal to walk in a moving train.
"I can't do this," I mutter.
"You can. We did," Woven says.
"You're not missing anything," I say bitterly. Woven stops and looks hard at me.
"I didn't lose anything in my Games, but I gained a lot of stuff." She knocks on her hip, which makes a metallic sound. "Broke my hip, three ribs, and I have a pin in my wrist now. That's added onto the mental stuff which you know all about," Woven says. "We've all suffered, Terra. You're strong. You can get through this beginning part, and even though it's never going to go away, you can move through it."
I nod.
"Let's go, then," Woven says, and we carry on down the hall.
Supper is delicious; the last Capitol dinner I'll have for a long time. Back to the rough fare of District 8, but I don't mind. That food tastes like home. After we're all done eating, we all settle in the living room to watch my final interview.
"You did well," Shuttle says, and Woven nods.
"I'm glad it's over," I say. I'm all too aware of my missing fingers as I weave the remaining ones together.
"For now," Woven says dryly. "They'll drag us all back in a few months' time for the Victory Tour."
"Did I miss something?" Postumius says behind us, and we all jump. I almost burst out laughing at his appearance, the first time I've felt like laughing in days. Half of his orange curls are flattened, the other half standing out from his head like he's been shocked. His suit is the same one he wore last night, and it's wrinkled and uglier than ever.
"You only missed everything," Shuttle says, rolling her eyes.
"Where are we?" he asks.
"We're going to District 8?" I say. He must have been really out of it to not realize we were getting on the train.
"How long have I been asleep?"
"Not long enough," Woven mutters, and I laugh a little.
"Go get something to eat, Postumius. You could use some water too," Shuttle says, and my confused escort wanders away towards the dining room.
"I'm going to talk to someone about getting him fired," Shuttle says. "Enough is enough."
"We could use someone who actually can escort," Woven says, agreeing.
Damius and my prep team didn't come along; they're staying in the Capitol to prepare for the Victory Tour.
"What happens to my prep team next year?" I ask. "After the Victory Tour, I mean."
"Well, if they don't get reassigned to another district, you'll see them all at next year's Games, when they're preparing the next tribute."
"I'll have to go, won't I?" I say quietly. Woven nods.
"All the victors have to attend the Games in the Capitol."
"We should go to bed," Shuttle says then, getting up. "We'll be home in the morning."
Just the thought of facing the dark on my own is terrifying. "Can I just stay here?" I ask.
"You can do whatever you want," Shuttle says, and my two mentors bid me goodnight and head to their own rooms.
The night is long and I don't sleep. I keep running my fingers over the scarred stumps on my hands. My legs ache, but I don't take off my prosthetics. I just keep them on. I changed from my interview dress into a shirt and leggings as soon as I got on the train, and I'm glad I did that; I'm more comfortable than I've been in weeks.
I'm scared for what the morning is going to bring.
I'm tired and scared by the time the sun starts to rise, reminding me of all the sunrises I saw in the arena. That brings back memories of Fletcher, and the arena, and now I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a sunrise the same way again.
The scenery is changing from trees and bushes to a more unnatural setting, with concrete and grey houses. When the leaves on the few bushes have turned black with soot, that's when I know that District 8 isn't far away. I can see it now, the smokestacks of the factories belching smoke and smog into the air even at this hour. The factories never stop.
"I see you're already awake," Shuttle says, coming in yawning.
"I didn't sleep," I say.
"I can tell by the dark circles under your eyes. Looks like we're almost home," she says, sitting down next to me.
"Looks like it," I say. I keep running my fingers over the missing spots on both hands. What are they going to say? What will they think of me?
"They'll just be glad you're home," Shuttle says, seemingly reading my mind. "Your sister is going to be so excited to see you."
The thought of seeing Iry brings a smile to my face. "There, there's the pretty smile that I know so well," Shuttle says, patting my head gently.
"It's only going to start again next year," I say. Someone else from District 8 is going to be reaped, and I'm going to accompany them to watch them die. It's unbearable to think about.
"You get used to it," Shuttle says, and she sighs. "It doesn't get easier, though."
"You brought one home," I say quietly.
"I've lost a lot more than I've brought home," she says. "I wish I could have gotten two victors out of you and Fletcher."
"They'd never allow that," I say.
"I know, but I can dream."
"I miss him," I say quietly.
"Me too, Terra. I do too. He was a good kid; you won't find better anywhere."
"Oh, look we're almost there," Postumius says disappointedly, coming in behind us.
"Don't you sound excited," I say, not bothering to look back at him.
"Go eat something, Posty," Shuttle says, and I grin slightly. He makes a sort of gobbling noise in shock, then wanders away to the dining room.
"Think we can be rid of him by the time the Victory Tour rolls around?" I mutter to Shuttle. She shakes her head.
"He brought home a victor; that'll give him some immunity for a while. Best we can hope for is him being transferred to another unfortunate district next year. As much as I'd like to see him gone, he's been too successful to fire."
"He did nothing," I say.
"I know," Shuttle says. The train starts to slow down at last. I feel stiff from sitting all night.
"Come on, let's get ready," Shuttle says, giving me a hand up. I stumble along the hallway, one hand on the wall, the other on Shuttle's arm.
"Morning," Woven says, coming out of her room. "Home at last."
"About time, isn't it?" Shuttle says.
All I can think about is how Fletcher will never return home alive. He's probably here in District 8, dead and buried, but I'll never see him again.
Why did I run? Why didn't I stay and die with him? I practically killed him. His blood is on my hands, and I won't ever be able to wash it away.
"Are you ready, Terra?" Woven asks. I blink a few times, then nod. Even though it's really early, the platform outside the train is packed with people; I can see cameras and the mayor, and regular citizens, waiting to welcome me home.
And my sister. And Deecey. And Mrs. Underfall.
"I'm going to walk out on my own," I say.
"Okay. You can do this," Shuttle says. I nod at her. I won the Games, I'm the victor, I can walk out and see my family. I kept my promise.
Then the doors slide open and I step out as steadily as I can onto the wooden platform outside the train. Cameras flash, lenses get stuffed in my face. I smile and wave for them, because that's what I'm supposed to do. This goes on for a few minutes, me just smiling and waving at the rest of the country through those camera lenses.
Then Iry can't hold back any longer and pushes her way through the crowd, throwing herself at me. She knocks me off balance, but Woven catches me, setting me upright again. Slowly, carefully, I sink down to the ground, holding Iry as tight as I can, like someone will take her away from me if I loosen my grip even a little bit.
"You did it," she whispers in my ear.
"I told you I would," I whisper back through her dark curls. I pull back a little and kiss her forehead. "I swear you've grown a foot while I've been gone."
"I missed you so much," she says, lip trembling.
"Don't cry, munchkin. I'm home now, and we can move into a new, big house, and if I can help it, you won't have to go to work anymore."
"Really? You can do that?"
"I'm the victor, aren't I?" I say, and we both smile. Shuttle gives me her arm and I pull myself up to standing. And I am face to face with Deecey.
There's a strange distance between us, like neither of us knows where to start. A lot of stuff happened while I was gone, and I'm not the same girl that left. Where does that leave me and Deecey then? The cameras press closer, documenting our reunion.
"You made it back," Deecey says, a little stiffly. Her hair is braided into a thousand little braids that hang down her back. She looks like she always does, my Deecey. How do I look to her, coming back like I have?
"Yeah," I say. Then Deecey throws her arms around me, and I throw my arms around her, and I hug her so tight it probably hurts her.
"Thanks for taking care of Iry," I say.
"It's no problem," she says, and we're both smiling, but hesitantly. Something's changed between us, and I don't know what. It makes my heart hurt, though, knowing that nothing is going to be the same from now on.
Mrs. Underfall comes over then, hugging me warmly and planting a kiss on my head. "Well done, dear," she says.
Iry slips her hand into mine, and I squeeze it. I'm home, I'm with the people I love best, I'm safe.
But I feel so hollow.