chapter four

I watched myself pull my front lip back and furl it above my row of teeth with narrowed eyes and a scrunched nose. My canines were sharp, but my eyes were too big and I had too many freckles on my cheeks and nose to look nearly as intimidating as the boy who used this expression on me, and when I pulled my lip back I looked like I had busted it. The bathroom mirror had the kindest light, and even under it I looked like hell.

Sighing, I dropped my features and rubbed my face, pushing my fists deep into my eyes. I was tired. The lack of sleep wore itself under my eyes. The sleepless nights had worsened since break ended, and most nights I found myself staring down the bright screen of my laptop, scrolling endlessly through cryptid websites. And even if I wanted to sleep, the ringing of my phone would've interrupted me every twenty minutes.

And I felt as miserable as I look. I guess I had some sort of weird self-defeating traits that resulted in my mind replaying the words Jared said to me on a loop, over and over. Alcoholic bum sounded as familiar as my own voice now, and the bottles of wine my parents so carelessly left out on counters seemed to taunt me. I didn't dare to touch them, wondering if the weird aching in my chest that persisted for days was because I had stopped drinking or because I missed my friend.

School had been hell since it started back up again. Through the long and boring lectures about history and trigonometry, I couldn't find myself paying attention. And when I handed in my fourteen-and-a-half paper that rambled on about the same undeveloped point for at least ten pages, I was promptly told to rewrite. At I sat at my kitchen table at night with several textbooks open and got no work done. All the problem-solving parts of my brain were already occupied, and analyzing Foucault in itself seemed like a prison.

To keep myself from falling into the abyss of self-pitying, I listened to other people. Listening to the voices of my classmates as they gossiped and whispered about the speculation of pregnancies, cheating, and betrayal. The majority of it wasn't true, but it was at least interesting to hear people pretend that the tiny little reservation high school had its own MTV reality show and they were the stars. I think the fact that it was wrong honestly kind of made it funnier.

In literature, I listened to Shia and Mel Blackburn talk about how they heard from their brother that Jacob Black (who I used to be just a little bit in love with before he dropped out and cut off all his hair; I guess in retrospect I just liked his hair) was in love with some Forks girl named Bella but she dumped Black for some guy who dumped her like a year ago. Which was interesting when combined with the little tidbit I heard in physics from Lily Fuller, who had heard from her friend's cousin's girlfriend Jessica, that Bella left town for a few days to get an abortion. Lily had a really nice time debating over who she thought the dad was.

But I didn't really trust anyone named Jessica.

There wasn't anything really interesting until I hit my lunch period.

I normally had lunch with Kim, but I was actually doing a spectacular job ignoring her (much to my surprise, because the combination of my loneliness and boredom was generally an unstoppable force). So I had planned to sneak an apple and shitty turkey sandwich into the library and hide myself in the autobiography section, but when walking by a full table of chatting friends, I froze in my tracks.

"No, I sweat to god, it was a giant wolf. A huge, black wolf."

I halted at the words, hesitating before looking around and awkwardly settling into a chair at an empty table nearby. I was close enough to hear, if I didn't bite into my apple. I pulled out my journal and pretended to read while I listened to them mindlessly chatter. "You don't have to lie to impress us; we're already friends."

"I am not lying. I was fishing with my dad, you can ask him. We were at Sol Duc River, and then we just heard this noise, like it was growling at something. And then we turned around and it was this fucking huge wolf sprinting, like it was so fast we could barely see it."

"Maybe it was just a bear," someone offered back nonchalantly.

"Bears can't run that fast, bears are fat."

"Dude, bears can run like, thirty miles an hour."

"What?"

I tuned out after I realized the conversation had taken an uninteresting turn, instead deciding to focus my attention on my journal.

Every time I saw someone turn in their homework or take notes in class, I checked to see if their handwriting matched up. I looked for the similarities in the way they scribbled letters, but I quickly realized that almost all boys have almost exactly the same shitty handwriting (expect, of course, Quil, who still wrote like a tween girl). And it's not like any of the Quileute cult boys were around for me to check their algebra homework. Besides Quil, I had effectively ruled out Jared, as I figured he would just rip my journal up instead of giving it back.

Flipping back and forth between my notes on Adlets and the little note my mystery informant left me, I felt, once again, defeated, backed into a corner. I was the only one in town who had any semblance of an idea or clue that something was wrong, and I was no closer to knowing the truth than I was the day Bear went missing.

I left the cafeteria before the lunch period ended, and stuffed my journal in my locker for the rest of the day. When the final bell rang, signaling the end of the day, I tucked it into my bag.

It was drizzling when I stepped outside, like it generally was. I used to think I would move somewhere warm when I left high school; go to school in Texas and fall in love with a cowboy or something. But that was when my parents had two children, and I knew now that I couldn't leave them. So I was resigned to spend the rest of my life in the rain, attending the University of Washington and studying something my parents didn't approve of, like philosophy or film making.

There was a tall and familiar figure leaning against my car, I noticed from a distance, and wished I had spent more time rehearsing my intimidating face in the mirror. Embry stared directly at me as I approached, and he looked just as tired and miserable as I did, huge bags under his eyes and slouched shoulders. And even though he wasn't on my list of favorite people, I had to admit that the worn-down tough guy look was kinda hot on him. I didn't shake with nerves like I did when I was confronted by Jared, but instead felt calm. Weirdly enough, this was the second time Embry had this affect on me. "What are you doing?" I shouted, stopping about five feet away from Embry. I hoped the further away from him I stood, the larger I looked.

He pushed off my car and stepped towards me. When he spoke, his voice was gentle. "I wanted to apologize to you."

I cocked an eyebrow. "Okay."

Embry blew air out of his cheeks and looked to the sky, like there was a script he was trying to remember. "I'm sorry for how things went down the other day. Jared is new to this whole, relationship thing, and doesn't know how to control his more, primal emotions. I shouldn't have just stood there and let him say those things to you. I knew it was messed up, and I shouldn't have let him try to confront you in the first place."

There was a space between us and I could feel it. "Okay, so why did you?"

"What?"

"I mean, if you know you shouldn't have let him do and say those things, then why did you?"

There was this expression on his face I couldn't read, it was mixed with so many different types of emotions. His features pulled together like he was wincing in pain, but his eyes were glossy, like he was in some happy trance. He shrugged. "Because I'm a dumbass," he said simply.

"Well, I appreciate the honesty," I said, "and thanks for the apology."

I hiked my backpack up on my shoulder and tried to move past him, stepping towards the driver's seat. But Embry backed up and put his hand in front of me, making me stop in place once more. "Wait, I have something else I wanted to ask you." I stared up at him expectantly, arms crossed. "I was uh, I was just wondering if you wanted to like, hang out sometime."

"You wanna hang out with me?"

And then, since the first time since he dropped out of classes, a large smile spread across Embry's face. It was bright and his teeth were straight and it made my stomach knot up. "Yeah, I thought it would be fun."

I paused for a moment. "No thanks," I said, and once again made a move for the driver's seat.

His smile dropped as quickly as it appeared, and he followed me as I swung open the door. "No? Why not?"

I leaned against the car door and frowned at him. "The fact that you're friends with someone who has been so rude to me and a shitty boyfriend to my friend makes me kinda question your character. And I mean, we've never even talked before."

"Now's as good as ever to start," he said, voice almost pleading. I tried to ignore how sad he looked, like I said something almost as mean as what his buddy said to me.

I didn't really know what to say to that, so I left him with a gentle, "Sorry, I'm just gonna have to pass," which came off way harsher than intended. I slid into the car, and for the third time, I left Embry on the pavement as I drove away.

It seemed that I couldn't escape the Quileute cult, because when I pulled into the driveway of my own home, my safe and secure home, the Ateara household truck was in the spot where my little tiny car would be. For a moment, I kept my hands tightly on the wheel and my foot on the break and thought, hey, I could just leave. But I decided that there was no place far enough I could drive (without technically running away from home) that would let me forever avoid this confrontation. So I put the car in park, asked a deity or two to lend me some patience, and entered my home.

Laughter echoed throughout the house when I opened the door. I chewed on my lip as I ventured further down the hall, and saw Quil and my father sitting on the couch, laughing like they were the best of friends. Quil noticed me first, like he heard me come in, and then my father turned his head towards me. "Oh! Remy! You're home."

I dropped my bag by the couch and stood near the kitchen. "Don't sound too exited." I grabbed an apple and sat at the counter.

"Hey, Remy!" Quil said, a little too excited, like he hadn't just witnessed his friend insult me and my family before running away into the woods.

"Hey, Quil," I replied, noticeably less joyous and with a mouth full of apple. "What are you doing here?"

Before he could respond, my dad did. "Do you have to be so grumpy all the time, Remy?"

"Yes."

My dad rolled his eyes and stood. "Well, it was nice catching up with you, buddy. Hope you stop by more often. Janet really misses you. Remy," he turned towards me with a pointed finger, "be nice. No biting," he said as he marched out of the room. This little line made Quil chuckle.

When my dad was out of the room, I turned back towards Quil. "Seriously, though, why are you here? Between you and Embry and Jared, I feel like I'm getting ambushed by your little friend group."

Quil walked towards me and leaned against the opposite side of the counter. "That was a nice one, by the way." He made a whipping noise with his mouth as he smacked the air, and then gave me a proud grin. "Didn't hurt him that much, but definitely knocked down his ego. He deserved it."

"Thanks, I guess," I mumbled, "but, again, what are you doing here? Showing up at my house twice within in a week is weird, considering you haven't been here at all recently."

He shrugged. "Just to visit my second family, make sure you're okay, and everything."

"Yeah, I'm okay. No thanks to you, though," I scoffed, and took another bit out of my apple.

Quil looked uncomfortable for a moment, eyebrows furrowed and mouth turned downward. "I didn't like what he said either. Briah was my friend. And I've always thought of you as like, a sister. And if it makes you feel any better, I definitely defended your honor."

I smiled a little. "What did you do, kick his ass or something?"

Quil leaned back and pounded his fists against his chest. "You fucking know it!" I laughed, a little bit louder than I thought I would. I could see why Bear would be friends with Quil; he was a well-meaning goofball like my brother was, and sometimes they had a little bit too much of an ego, but they were, at the end of the day, lovable idiots. And I could see why my mom would find comfort in Quil.

I guessed he wasn't that bad. "Well, thanks for beating Jared up. It means a lot to me."

For a moment, Quil smiled at me and I saw my brother in him. And then he leaned back down to face me and said, in a far more serious tone, "You're family, Remy, we're all here for you now."

I gave him a smile with a twisted mouth, trying to ignore the odd sentiment.

Quil stayed, insisting that he wanted to wait until my mom got home. "I bet she misses me. I am her favorite child, after all." It was strange to be around Quil after he drifted so far away from our family. He came back like he never left, lingering in my kitchen and eating food out of our fridge. He lied out on the couch and watched out television while I sat at the kitchen counter and pretended to do homework so I didn't have to pay too much attention to him. Still, he made commentary and occasionally yelled over dumb jokes to me. My mom was ecstatic to see him, and gushed over how nice it was for him to visit. And even though I was relieved when he left, I was kinda glad he came over. It felt like have a brother around again.

After eating a gross and burnt dinner with my family, I bid them a goodnight, telling them I had to go to bed early for classes. They gave me kisses on the forehead, and didn't think anything of it when I closed my bedroom door behind me.

In the solidarity of my own bedroom, I thumbed through my journal, and contemplated the stupidity of what I was about to do. It was apparent that I didn't really learn from my mistake of sneaking out into the middle of the night and almost getting killed by weird mythical wolves, because I kept my journal tucked tightly under my arm as I jumped out of my window.

Sneaking out of a two story window wasn't hard once you got used to it. You just had to have decent upper body strength and know where to place the tips of your toes. And once my toes hit the grass, I was free.

The worst and most dangerous part of my plan was that I had to walk. My parents would've noticed if I had took the car. But it was only a fifteen minute walk to the school, and it was relatively well lit. I wasn't too concerned.

I shoved my hands into my sweatshirt pocket, in which I had stashed my little pocket knife. Though on the off chance I did run into anything dangerous, I doubted my four inch blade would do much to protect me. Maybe I could poke out a wolf eye, or something. That'd be a prize.

The air out here was clean, and I inhaled deeply, hoping it would clear my head. I had felt like over the past week, my brain had started melting, and became fundamentally useless. Between the surreal experience of almost dying to hitting my best friend's boyfriend in the face to being ambushed by a boy that I had never talked to before, it was too much for my three brain cells to handle. And even though I felt like I got the short end of the stick, I couldn't help but feel for Kim, and I wondered if she missed me as much as I missed her. She had been calling me a lot, and sent me several texts I was too nervous to read. I didn't know what she would've said to me, and I was too stressed out to find out.

I arrived at the school parking lot and walked to where I park my car every day. I wondered for a moment, if there was any chance it would work. The odds were, admittedly, extremely slim, and I thought for a moment that I was stupid for even trying it. I flipped to the freshest page in my journal.

If all my theories are wrong, I think you should give me a hint and tell me what's right. You owe me, since you broke into my car.

With a sigh, I placed the journal down where my car would be parked at seven-forty-five the next morning, and turned to walk back home.

The next morning, I rushed to get ready, brushing my teeth and brushing my hair in record time before sprinting out to my car, desperate to see if my theory had worked. And when I unlocked my car and rushed to my passenger seat, my stomach dropped at the sight of my journal, once again, sitting in my passenger seat,

Tentatively, I reached out flipped to the newest page, breathing heavy.

It's not breaking in if you don't lock it. You should be more careful, and stay inside at night.

hi guys! how'd u like the chapter/the story so far (god i used to love that band)

anyways tomorrow is my birthday so as a present can i get a lot of reviews and maybe some nice love for the story