It was good that she was gone. It was good. It was good for him. It was good for her. It was good that she was gone.
He repeated that fact over and over to himself all evening, while he'd watched her go, while he'd tried to work, and long after he'd given up. It was good she was gone; if he thought it enough, it was possible that he might finally believe it and rejoice in it.
But the truth was he'd been sulking ever since he watched her small form walk down the long road to the gate and disappear behind the tall wooden door. He tried to believe that his sorrow too was a good thing. The sulking was what told him that he'd done the right thing by setting her free and sending her away. Now that she was gone, a thing of the past, he didn't fight the things he thought, he didn't try and distract himself, he just let himself feel it—the truth.
The truth was he had felt something for her. But the last time that had happened, the last time he let himself feel anything for anyone besides Bae, it had turned out to be nothing but an unnecessary distraction, one that filled his head with daydreams and thoughts that never had any chance of coming true in his life. When he'd finally woken up from that nightmare in disguise, he'd been left heartbroken and thrown himself into his work. Baelfire. It was all he thought about day and night, all he cared about, the only thought he needed to propel him forward.
So what if the castle suddenly seemed empty? So what if it seemed quiet and lonely? Wasn't that the way that he liked it? Didn't he prefer to be alone in his solitude? What had she done for him anyway beside give him a bit more time to work because she'd fixed meals, which had turned out to be delicious after a few weeks with him? Or leave him so much time he could spend it at the wheel with company, which was nice but certainly not necessary. She'd made him laugh, she'd made the castle a home, lightened it in a way, brightened it. But what was all that really worth in the long run?
Happiness. She'd made him happy. She'd made this eternity of waiting into something tolerable, perhaps even a little enjoyable. But with his son out there missing in the world, that was precisely the problem.
She was dangerous. He knew it. And so did the monster within him. It was probably why, even with her gone, he couldn't get his work done. Why he was still sulking and feeling guilty for still sulking. He should be working on a potion, not standing at this window, practically willing that wooden door to open again. He shouldn't have made her freedom sound like an option. The option, the possibility, the smallest of chances that she might come back was what was making it unbearable! He should have just told her to leave and never come back! He shouldn't be hoping that she would come back, but a small part of him was still hoping she would. A small part? Maybe it was a big part.
No, she wouldn't. She wouldn't come back. Whatever it was that had happened between them, whatever it was that he'd felt stirring for her, it hadn't been mutual. She was a girl. An ignorant, gullible girl next to a man of his age. He'd heard hundreds of tales of young men and women with dreams precisely like hers. They never actually accomplished what they started; he'd seen that first hand as well! It was just a feeling! A desperate lonely feeling he'd had, something that had budded from her tempting beauty and well-honed intellect.
So why did he find a small voice within him arguing with that of the beast? A voice that was neither Seer nor Dark One. Why was it whenever the beast reminded him that she was nothing but an ignorant girl did he correct it and say she was a beautiful, funny, and intelligent woman? Why had he found himself believing that she was capable of accomplishing her dreams and more? Why had he found himself wanting her to accomplish those dreams?! Because of the truth.
The truth wasn't just that he felt something for her, it was so much more than that. The truth was that she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever encountered because her beauty was far more than skin deep. The truth was that while all he'd ever heard of King Maurice's daughter was that she was a beauty, she was actually the most radiant of lights because what the people didn't see was that she was just as beautiful on the inside as the outside and maybe even more. Certainly more! To say she was beautiful inside was to say she was kind, but she was more than just beautiful and kind. In her time with him, she'd proved to be witty and charming, sarcastic and loyal, infuriatingly stubborn to a fault. And brave. Possibly the bravest individual he'd ever known in his long life. And she was beautiful. She was smart, both wise and intelligent a rare and exquisite combination. The truth was that he'd found a match in her the likes of which he'd never experienced before and probably never would again. That was the truth.
And that was why he knew she'd never come back. She was gone. But he knew enough to know that he'd carry her memory with him forever, that was the impact she'd had on him, the entire reason he'd dismissed her.
He'd felt something. He'd acknowledged that, taken care of the problem, and now it was time to set his sights back on Baelfire again. It was time to sit down and move on.
And yet he couldn't. He kept his watch by the window of his tower, staring down at those gates, willing them to open just as he had all afternoon and evening. He could fool himself, pretend that she was walking along the road, coming back to him. She'd walk right through the doors and stay forever, but the figure he saw on that road was only in his mind's eye, he knew when he blinked she'd…vanish?
But she didn't. He stared down the road in amazement and wonder, blinked again, and realized that with every step the figure he saw drew closer to the castle. And…
He'd be damned. That was straw in her basket.
It was her, walking down the long road, perfectly free, and yet still baring the weight of the straw she'd collected for him. He felt himself smirk as the thoughts of the beast were suddenly drowned out by his own, very human, very male thoughts.
When she cast her gaze up upon the tower, he turned away and ran. He couldn't just stand there! He could let her know how he'd been pining for her all this time that she was gone! It was silly and clumsy, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt either of those feelings, but suddenly he found himself feeling both! Somehow he was back down in their room, the fire by her chair automatically heating for her as he sat by his wheel pretending as though nothing had happened.
He didn't want her to know he'd been waiting for her. Why? Why didn't he want her to know? Wasn't he passed embarrassment in his life? Wasn't he passed…
His heart hammered as he heard the door to the castle open and close! Wasn't he passed getting nervous by a simple girl?! Woman! A beautiful, sensitive, intelligent woman.
The moment she strode into the room, and he turned to look at her, he realized he wasn't passed anything. And as long as she was under his roof he never would be. Clearly, nerves and feeling weren't as beneath him as he'd convinced himself.
He'd let her go and she'd come back. Everything had changed.
She was gorgeous in this light. The fire, her muscles straining with her burden, and…was that a blush he saw? Why did she have to be so beautiful? Wasn't it enough that she was intelligent? Why did she have to be so tempting? Why did he have to make that particular gown with those curves, and cuts? Why had he made it so revealing?!
When she glanced up to meet his eyes, his response was jarring. He had to say something! Do something to distract her, to distract himself! He remembered he wasn't supposed to be waiting on her, looking at her. He was supposed to want her gone! So why did he feel only more and more excited with every step she took.
"Oh, you're back already! Good! Good thing!" he piqued, his voice involuntarily going up a few octaves more than he'd meant to. That had nothing to do with his crafted persona, and everything to do with the pounding in his heart. He turned away and back to the wheel, with any luck, she'd go back to read and it would just be an ordinary night. "I'm, uh…I'm nearly out of straw," he swallowed nervously again.
How was it she had the power to take a centuries old cursed Dark One and make him just as nervous as an average fourteen-year-old boy?!
"Mmm," she responded, hurrying over to him and setting the basket down on the platform. "Come on…you're happy I'm back!" she smiled, meeting his gaze through the wheel.
She knew?! She knew. No! She couldn't know, how could she? She was a highly perceptive woman. A danger! Beautiful and smart. It was her that was in danger. He really did need to find a way to get rid of her, to cast her out, to make sure she didn't distract him again! But not tonight. What was the harm in her presence for one more night? He wasn't exactly happy she was back. He was ecstatic. But she didn't need to know that.
"I am not unhappy," he found himself admitting before thinking that it was the worst thing he'd ever said. He may as well have just said he'd been hoping she'd return. And…no, there was no mistaking it now, she was blushing, a beautiful rose color that complimented her smile perfectly.
Oh, she needed to sit down. Now! She needed to go find her book, sit at that fire, and let him think of another way to get rid of her now! But the woman didn't make a move for the dungeons, or even for her room, she stepped around the wheel for the first time that he could remember. He tried to spin, to focus, but the second he felt her hands on his shoulders, her breath on his neck, and her eyes on him, he knew it was no use. He couldn't focus if he'd tried, not with her heart humming the way it was. Her heart...why was it racing like that?
"And, uh, you promised me a story," she whispered behind him.
He glanced up at her. "Did I?"
Had he? He couldn't remember. His brain wasn't moving as fast as it normally was in this place. Her distinct scent, the smell of roses and fire and lemons, was overwhelming the grain and wood.
She made a sound that confirmed he had made her that deal, then reached down and boldly plucked the string he held from his hands. She made herself comfortable next to him, too close, perhaps. She sorted her skirts around her, and he wondered how he'd never known a human body could fit there so perfectly before. Then, before he could move or step out of the space and away from her, she did the unthinkable. She reached forward and put her hand against his leg. Delicate, beautiful, slightly shaking itself. And intimate. It was such an intimate place to touch another person.
What was happening here? Why was he nervous? Why was she so nervous, too? Why was she still here when he'd released her?
She sighed suddenly, and shook her head, her hand steadying. "Tell me about your son."
His stomach dropped. The words were sobering, or would have been if they didn't make him so uncomfortable. That was the story he'd promised her. He remembered now. If she returned from town, he would tell her about himself. He'd made a mistake. He'd made that mistake before, but he knew this wouldn't be one. He could tell her, she'd understand, he just knew she would! He wanted to tell her, just like he had for the longest time, however, he just couldn't put the necessary words together. But they'd had a deal…
"I…" he tapped his fingers together, suddenly feeling nervous under her gaze. Could she read his mind? See his thoughts? Know the loophole he was about to exploit and see through it? Was this what other people felt like around him? "I lost him," he repeated, no more and no less than everything he'd let slip to her about Baelfire so far. Yet she expected him to go on, he could see it in her eyes. "There's nothing more to tell really…"
He held his breath, wondering if she'd question further, if he'd let down his guard and answer further before he had time to think about it, if he'd regret it this time as much as he'd regretted it with others.
"And since then," she went on, the grip she had on his leg tightening dangerously, "you've loved no one, and no one has loved you." Her eyes bore into him, seeing, he was sure, more than he was revealing. Love. Why had she mentioned love? Did she know that he cared for her? Did she know that when she was around he felt again?! Did she feel the same?
Despite the desperate cries of the monster within him, he found himself leaning forward, closer to her. He felt his heart flutter, his stomach twist, as he stared into her eyes trying to find the answer, trying to see it before she could, before he could even ask the question. But the answer that he continued to come with didn't make sense. She hadn't come back for him, she didn't feel it too. Did she?
"Why did you come back?" he asked, his voice no more a serious whisper between the two of them.
"I wasn't going to," she whispered back, looking him over. "But, then…something changed my mind."
Something changed her mind? What changed her mind? Why had it changed?
He had a million and one questions, but suddenly the world seemed to slow around them as she moved closer, so close he could feel her breath upon his cheek and yet…she wasn't close enough!
Before his mind could form a coherent thought, his eyes closed, and he moved forward to let her do what he'd wanted to for months now.
They kissed.
She pressed her mouth against his. He pressed back.
And it felt indescribable. It was just a kiss, just her lips brushing against his own. But it was unlike anything he'd ever experience. Less abrasive than Cora's, more meaningful than Milah's, and enough to make him forget every reason, every thought, every shout of the monster that he had to stop. A pure, genuine, heartfelt kiss. And that was when he realized he was kissing her back. He'd never felt like he was melting before, but he felt that way now. He felt dizzy, his throat dry, his palms sweaty. He felt more human than he'd felt in a long time. Since before Bae left.
It was as better than he'd imagined it would be. It made him feel settled in a way that he hadn't expected, in a way he wanted more of. The moment they'd pulled away from each other, his hands sought her waist, needing the connection with her. He wanted to kiss her again, to hold her close as he'd dreamed about, and descend into euphoria with her shamelessly. He didn't want to be apart from her for the rest of his life.
"Oh, what's happening to me," he muttered, astounded at all the feelings and sensations working their way from his mouth through his body.
Her hands were at his neck, against his cheeks, intimately brushing away hair, as he opened his eyes and struggled to find her face. Why did the room seem duller next to her all the sudden? Why was he struggling to see in the dark next to her radiant light?
"Kiss me again," she demanded, "It's working!"
"What?" Working? What was working? Why did he care what was working so long as he could kiss her again?! "What is?"
Her face came into focus, and he was aware of the brilliant smile bursting across her face and staring him down. She was beautiful and radiant! Oh, maybe it was love he'd felt all this time. How could he have been expected to recognize something he'd never felt before for another woman.
"Any curse," she muttered happily, "can be broken."
Look at that! We finally made it! I have very mixed feelings about this chapter so I'm very intrigued by what you'll have to say about it. I think on the whole I enjoyed writing it, but there were some difficulties. I actually really loved writing the first bit with him reflecting in his tower. I loved sort of sending him into a tailspin and trying to convince himself that everything was fine as people who are so often unhappy do. I also liked bringing him to the truth of the matter and getting him to discover that he's been unable to think of her as a girl for a long time and sees her as a woman. I even liked bringing her back and setting him in that teenager type mindset of overthinking, like he's been doing for so long now. But the kiss...that's where I get sort of nervous. First, because lets face it, it's a beautiful moment and no matter what I write I feel like it's always going to be difficult to capture that beautiful moment we saw. My goal is that it has echoes of it that taps into what you felt when you first saw it. Second, it is difficult because there is a lot going on there. Not only his she kissing him and I have to contend with inner thoughts, but at this point he's also changing back into a human as the Curse breaks. The moment they begin their kiss I tried to lay a lot of little hints in there as to what is happening but because he's not aware of it, he can't really perceive that...until the next chapter.
Thank you Alarda, Jennifer Baratta, Grace5231973, and Spunkymouse for your reviews on the previous chapter. Like I said I am very interested to hear what you have to say about this one. We will be concluding the Beauty and the Beast section shortly, so savor this while you can! Peace and Happy Reading!