chapter fourteen

There was so much blood pooled under my tongue, but my teeth still dug into my cheek and I thought soon enough I might've gnawed a hole in my face. But I couldn't stop, and I kept having to spit out mouthfuls of blood every ten minutes because I was filled to the goddamn brim with nerves. I stood in front of the mirror on my dresser, picking at the features on my face I didn't like, and wondered why I was so nervous about seeing Embry fucking Call.

I flicked the hollows of my cheeks and pinched the bags under my eyes. I frowned at my appearance. I felt a lot better in Bobby's mirror with my nose freshly pierced. Now it was crusted up and irritated, with a couple tiny little pimples around it. I wanted to rip it off.

My speaker played low and slow songs while I fiddled with the objects on my dresser, rearranging them just so I felt like I had something other to do than sit around and wait for a boy that I did not care about. I brushed the dirt off of framed pictures of Bear and took down the empty frames that used to hold pictures of Kim and I. I watered my cacti and hoped they wouldn't drown and for good measure I pushed my cute and very normal knife collection into my underwear drawer. I only kept one in my pocket.

The sun was bright but low and I could feel the bass of whatever song was playing vibrate through me and throw off the rhythm of my heartbeat. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and why my brain was scattered up like flower petals in the wind. The nerves felt foreign to me, and I didn't know why but there was something different about tonight. It was this feeling I had, one that lingered between my bones and my flesh that something was not the same as it was before and I could not even begin to comprehend it.

I sat on the edge of my bed, tugging my hair back tight against my scalp. It was wavy and frizzy and when I lifted my hands off my head it flew around everywhere, messy and out of control. I waited there, tucking my hair behind my ear and then untucking it again whenever the anxiety built up more. I thought, I don't know when he's coming, and I'd untuck it, and then I'd think, I don't know if he is coming, and then I'd tuck it again.

I didn't feel this way the last time he was in my room, holding back my frizzy and untucked hair while I emptied the contents of my stomach. But last time he was in my room, I didn't know he read my journal and he hadn't baked me almond cookies and it was just a little less than a week ago but it felt like months. Everything inside of my was churning. I started biting my cheek again.

My palms were sweaty and I rubbed them hard against my jeans. I didn't know what I was going to say to him and I didn't know how to maintain the image of myself I had carved in his head and I had to keep asking myself why I cared and why I started to care now, when I never really had before. I really missed the version of me that was cold and indifferent to this type of thing and I didn't know where she went but it hadn't been that long since she disappeared. I looked at my phone. Six-forty-five. Seven new text messages from Bobby. The sun was about to dip behind the trees, and that was when he showed up.

Embry Call did not knock on my front door and greet my mother and father. Instead, he jumped through my open window, his feet landing steady on the floor and all of the sudden in the space where there was just nothing there was Embry. My breath hitched in my throat and my eyes widened and he gave me a tiny little sheepish smile. "Sorry," he said in a husky voice, "I probably should've knocked on the front door."

"'S okay," I said, a bit breathlessly.

Embry moved easily towards my computer chair and threw himself in it, sliding across my wooden floor and looking around the walls of my bedroom. "Your room smells like almonds, which is better than the puke, I gotta say. Were the cookies any good?"

He seemed so calm, breath even and posture relaxed and I felt so rattled next to him. He spoke so smoothly and his hands weren't shaking like mine were. I doubted my words when I spoke. "The sentiment was great. The almond flavor was kind of overpowered by how burnt they were."

"I promise they'll be better next time."

I counted to five before I spoke again, examining the space in between us and the specs of dust flying around in the sunlight. I didn't know how to talk to him. I usually didn't, unless I was mad and the words came out rapidly on their own. It wasn't like talking to a friend. There was pressure. "So," I started, "what do you wanna know?"

"Huh?"

"You said you didn't know a lot about me, but you wanted to. So, what do you want to know?" I asked.

Embry let out a breath. "A lot."

I titled my head at him. "Well what do you know about me?"

"Besides the fact that you're an Aries? Just rumors," he said, leaning back in the chair. I couldn't help but be impressed he remembered such an inconsequential detail.

My teeth found their way into my bottom lip. "Let's start with this, you tell me the rumors, and I'll tell you whether or not they're true."

There was concern laced all over his features. "Some of them, they're not all that nice. I don't wanna like-"

"Embry," I cut him off, "I do not give a shit. Just say 'em." And it was true, I didn't care. I had heard the worst things possible things that could be said about me come from my mother. The words of people I couldn't pick out of a crowd meant nothing to me.

But Embry shifted his weight around like he was nervous to speak. "Um, there's a new one going around that you and Bobby Evans are dating."

I laughed. "Not true. Bobby said I'm not her type. She likes pretty girls."

Embry mumbled something incomprehensible under his breath before moving on. "There was this one story I remembering hearing a couple months back about some party in Forks. They said you broke some girl's nose and ended up getting arrested."

"That one's almost true. I didn't break her nose or get arrested, but I did give her a black eye," I paused. "She deserved it, though."

"Okay, well there was this one from a while ago that when your brother used sell, um, stuff, that he would bring you with him and you'd be like, his backup, in case anything went wrong. That, and that you once stabbed a guy that tried to scam him, but I don't think anyone ever thought that was true."

I leaned back on my bed, resting on my hands. "I knew Bear used to deal, but I didn't find out till after he got caught. He would've never let me around that shit."

"He sounds like a good brother," Embry said, and if it was anyone else I would've doubted his sincerity. But that was something I really never had to doubt with Embry. He always meant what he said.

"Yeah," I said, sounding a bit wistful.

Embry didn't push it, though, and he laughed a little when he said, "Is it true that your mom set you up to go to prom with Quil?"

I groaned. "Ugh, yes, and I didn't even know about it. My mom used to think that me and Quil would get married. Which I mean, if she wanted that to happen, she probably shouldn't have raised us on the idea that we're cousins." I fiddled with my thumbs. "I mean he's basically like my brother, now."

"Quil talks about you a lot," Embry said, something thick in his voice, "he loves you a lot. And he's really protective of you."

"He doesn't have to be. It sounds like I've built up quite the reputation." I leaned forward, elbows resting on my knees. "I wouldn't fuck with me after hearing all of that."

Embry shrugged. "He can't help it, I guess."

I wanted him to admit that there was some part of him that was intimidated by me, in the same way I felt intimidated by him. But he didn't, and I felt like there was this imbalance of power between us. He had these strange affects on me that I couldn't control; he was either calming, draining all the anger out of me with just a couple of words and a soft smile, or he was sending me over the edge with nerves and uncertainty. Embry just seemed so unaffected by me. "What about you?" I asked. "You wanna hear your rumors?"

He titled his head. "There are rumors about me?"

"You can't drop out of school for a month and started walking around the woods barefoot without people speculating."

I was entering dangerous territory, and I couldn't read his face. I never could. There was this reservation about him. With Bear and Kim and Quil and Bobby, everything was just out there. They were loud and open and you could see their emotions processing on their face in real time. Embry was different. He was subtle. It was gentle, like the rest of him. "Okay, I'll bite. What've people been saying?"

I raised my shoulders. "Everyone seems to think you're in some sort of cult. I've heard murderous cult, anarchist cult, vigilante cult, which I think has the most merit."

"So you think I'm in a cult?" he asked, smile subtle.

My stomach was gnarled and knotted and my limbs felt weak. "You know what I think," I said softly. My words were quite but I knew he would hear them. Embry always heard.

His eyes widened. "What do you mean?"

"You're the one who took my journal, right?" I asked, voice louder now, not shaking like I thought it would be. And it felt good to say, the nerves left my body as the words left my mouth. He was quite for a second. "Right?"

He sighed, "Remy," he started, and looked around my room. He always looked away from me when I said something that made him pause, eyes darting around everything but me before he figured out what he wanted to say next. "I just," he said, leaned forward, and froze. He stayed still, eyes narrowed, like something inside him broke. And then it came. A stupid goddamn howl that sent shivers down my spine and at the sound of it he stood and I did too. "I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it.

"I guess that's your cue to go." I knew it was but I didn't know what I meant and I thought of that first night I saw the snarling dark wolf and that woman's shrill laughter and I knew somehow the two of them were controlling Embry and Quil and maybe even Bear.

His eyes were moving too quickly. "Remy, I'm sorry," he said, his legs moving him towards my window. "I'll try to explain some stuff later, okay? I gotta go, I do, but I'm really sorry."

And I stood by my bed, watching him. His hands were on the window frame and he was staring at me, waiting for me to give him a goodbye or snap him or give him something but I stood there with all this nervous, angry energy coursing through my veins. I couldn't move. And I watched him sigh and dip out of my window wordlessly.

Embry was gone as quickly as he came and he left me feeling worse than I did before.

That stupid nervous energy had me feeling raw and reckless and unhinged. I reached into my pocket. Ten more messages from Bobby. I called her. She answered after two rings. "What's up?" she asked, quick and direct.

"Do you wanna ditch school tomorrow and get absolutely fucked up tonight?" I asked, voice a little frantic.

Bobby laughed a little. "Hell fucking yeah I do! I'll be at your house in twenty," she said, immediately hanging up on me. And I thought that Bobby was probably the person I loved most.

She parked down the street with her lights off and I crept up from the side, tapping my finger against her window. And as soon as she unlocked the door and I slide in the seat, she shoved two things in my lap. The first was a large bottle of cold cinnamon whiskey that was frosty against my skin. The second was a tiny little black shirt that looked way too small for Bobby, which meant it was way too small for me. "Put that on," Bobby told me, turning her lights back on and flooring it down the street. "We're going to a bar."

"How the fuck are we gonna get into a bar?" I asked, but listened, ripping off my shirt and trying to figure out how I was supposed to wear her's. The straps baffled me. "I don't have a fake," I said while shoving my arms through random openings.

"That shirt and confidence," she informed me. "I've gotten into this bar like, fifty times. Just don't act nervous about getting caught, and you won't get caught."

I knew I figured the shirt out when all of my body parts were sufficiently covered. It was tight and skimpy and made me feel good about the lines and curves of my body. "This isn't like some dumpy dive bar filled with old dudes, right?"

"God have you met me? Of course not."

My skin tingled. "Port Angeles?" I asked, and she nodded. "Sick."

"Don't get me kicked out though, alright? This is the only place I've got that's not in Seattle. Oh, and the drinks are kinda expensive, so down as much of that as you can. I mean, if you really wanna get fucked up." Bobby always gave the best advice.

I unscrewed the top and downed a mouthful. It burned the whole way down. "I've never been to a bar before," I said when it hit the bottom of my throat.

Bobby looked over at me. "It'll be great. You look hot, I look hot. Literally nothing could go wrong."

The ride went quick and I kept throwing back large gulps of the burning liquid till it was about halfway empty. My head felt light and Bobby had the window rolled down so I could pop my head out and let the wind hit my face and my shoulders and my chest. It was warmer, warmer than it usually was and the sky was heavy. Bobby was laughing her magical little laugh while indie girls crooned over her stereo and I leaned backwards out the window, letting my head dangle in the wind. I wanted to drink Embry out of my mind and feel nothing but the wind and hear nothing but Bobby.

By the time we got there my hair was wild and my step was uneven. She parked the car in a parking lot that cost almost twenty-dollars an hour and I wondered if that was even legal. I leaned against the hood of her car and watched the people on the streets pass by. There were never people walking around like this at home. Bobby stepped in front of me and pursed her lips. "You're so messy," she said, and ran her fingers through my hair. She messed with the strands and placed them carefully over my collarbones and when she was done, she gave me a smile. "Perfect. Let's go."

They let us in as easily as Bobby said they would, with a glance up and down and no word about an I.D, they waved us in and I felt giddy and out of control. Bobby grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me further into the dark and crowded building. There were more people than I thought and they were pumping cold air through the whole room. "It's a fucking Thursday," I said into Bobby's ear.

"People are always getting drunk," she said, and pulled me up to a grimy looking bar. She sat on a stool and patted on the other one, looking at me with expectant eyes. "On me tonight," she smiled, and I sat next to Bobby at the bar.

She ordered so easily, not stumbling over any of her words or asking any stupid sounding questions that I would've. And the bartender pushed two drinks towards us and then another two and by the third I my eyes were heavy and the words were coming out of my mouth without much prompting. "You know who I can't fucking stand?" I asked, voice sounding different.

Bobby wasn't in much better shape. "I have a couple of guesses," she giggled, voice in a little bit of a higher pitch than before.

"Embry fucking Call. What a goddamn bastard. You know," I took another sip of my drink and leaned in close to Bobby, "he's always fucking following me everywhere and asking me dumbass questions and he always wants to talk about me but the second I asked one question, he's all, Oh, sorry Remy, I gotta go. I gotta go do my cult stuff or whatever the fuck it is I do that I keep lying about."

"You should kick his ass," Bobby shouted, her voice straining against the loud and thumping music.

"And he's always like, Remy, don't get drunk. Remy, don't start fights with anyone. And so is stupid fucking Quil. And like," I turned to Bobby, placing a hand on her shoulder, "that's why I fucking love you. You always tell me to get drunk and kick someone's ass."

Bobby snorted. "Well what the fuck else are you supposed to do?"

"Exactly!" I shouted back, throwing my hands up in the air because there was finally someone who understood me and what I wanted out of life.

Bobby's lips were tight around her straw, and then she started giggling. "Y'know, sometimes I think we're the only two not boring people alive. I mean like, all my friends are like, they're like those two guys. No one likes having fucking fun anymore!"

I thought of Kim and her crossed arms and tightly-drawn face. Bobby looked at me with a glint in her eyes and she had this ability to take all the negative nerves Embry made me feel and turn them into absolute fucking chaos. "That's why we're best fucking friends, though!" I shouted, feeling so moved I could cry. "Do you wanna dance with me?"

The rest of her drink shot up her straw and she grinned. "You have the best ideas."

Bobby took my hand in hers and she pulled me around like it was leash. I didn't mind. It was dark and I couldn't see my sneakers and without her hand I would've stumbled too much. "I don't know how to dance," I said in her ear.

"Just follow my lead."

I was drunk enough to feel loose, fingers intertwined with Bobby's and the song making my hips move on their own. It was shitty music and it was loud and there were so many people that I didn't think the way I moved matter. I was clunky and awkward but I kept throwing my head back with laughter anytime I tripped over Bobby's toes. I fell into her a couple times, letting my cheek rest against her chest for a minute before shooting back up and awkwardly swaying to beats I wasn't fast enough for. It was freeing and dizzy and Bobby's hand was warm enough to distract me from that hole in my chest.

Sweat glistened on my chest by the time Bobby decided that this scene was over. "Let's leave," she said, voice stern suddenly. And while my eyes were rolling back in my head she threw some dollar bills at the bartender and lead me out the door. She was done so abruptly.

The chill outside air hit my skin like a brick, and I collapsed on the edge of the street. "Can we just sit for a second?" I asked, voice airy.

Bobby plopped down next to me. "I can't fucking drive," she groaned, dropping her head in her lap. "Fuck," she mumbled.

And I didn't know why but that was just so funny to me. I giggled until I started snorting with laughter. Bobby shoved my shoulder. "We're gonna be stuck here all night," I said, out of air.

"You know that's not fucking funny," she snapped.

"It's kind of funny."

And there was a warmth on the other side of me. I jumped, looking to my side to see an older looking man with thin eyes and scruffy blonde hair. "What's kind of funny?" asked and unfamiliar and deep voice.

"None of your business," Bobby said sharply, and grabbed my arm to pull me up beside her.

The man looked up at his, smiling. "Ah, c'mon guys. Don't be like that. I just wanted to talk."

Bobby held my arm tight but stood behind me, chest pressed into my back. I narrowed my eyes. "Why would we wanna talk to you?" I asked, feeling genuinely confused.

And then he stood, standing maybe just a foot or two away from me. "Well, you don't have to be rude. I'm just trying to be friendly."

"Remy," Bobby warned.

"Okay, then stopped trying," I said, voice taunting.

The blonde man with sallow skin snickered. "You know honey, you got a real bad attitude problem."

Bobby was frantic in my ear. "Remy can we please just go?"

"And you shouldn't go picking trouble with people you don't know. Might get you and your little bitch in trouble."

Her fingernails were digging into my skin. "What the fuck did you just say?" I snapped, shaking Bobby's grip off and taking a step towards him.

"I said you and your little bitch-"

And my fist was in his face. Bobby screamed and my knuckles cracked his nose and got coated in his blood. And while he was stumbling back, Bobby grabbed my forearm and ran, pulling me away from the scene while he was shouting something incoherent. We sprinted down the street together, Bobby not letting my arm go, while I laughed and she shouted. She pulled me into an alley. "Remy what the fuck was that?"

I shrugged. "It was fucking nothing. He called you a bitch and he was all gross."

"Nothing? That wasn't fucking nothing Remy! That wasn't some scrawny bitch from Forks that was a grown ass man! He could've been dangerous. He could've killed you, Remy! You can't go doing that shit here! What the fuck?"

"It's whatever," I said, pulling my phone out and dialing a number. I pressed the phone to my arm and tapped my foot against the pavement.

"It's not fucking whatever Remy! Who are you calling? I can't believe you just fucking did that," she rambled, pacing in small steps and pulling at the roots of her hair.

There was a groggy voice on the other end of the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, Quil? Can you come pick me and Bobby up? We went to a bar and now she's too drunk to drive home and also she's mad at me because I punched a guy."

I sat on the hood of Bobby's car while we waited, kicking my feet out in the air and letting them drop against back against her car. I half-hoped I dented it, but not so much that I tried. Bobby was in the driver's seat, stewing. She wouldn't let me wait in the car with her but every five minutes she'd roll down her window and yell at me, calling me a hotheaded bitch or something vaguely insulting but not that well-developed. And I was thinking about how much she liked my hotheaded bitchiness in the bar. The temperature was dropping and there was goosebumps on my skin and I was feeling too drunk for the seriousness.

Quil pulled into the parking lot raging, tires screeching while his truck pulled up next to us. He slammed the door shut and stared at me, big brother eyes furious. "Rosemary," he said, voice dripping in anger.

I rolled my eyes. "You're not my fucking mom, Quil. You don't get to pull the full name card."

And my gut dropped when the passenger door opened and Embry jumped out, looking at me with that same goddamn disappointment. "What are you doing, Remy?" he asked, voice so hurt and cutting it made me squirm.

But there was still whiskey in my veins and I didn't want to look him in the eyes. "Wishing I had a fucking cigarette."

"God, can you just go one minute without acting like an asshole?" Quil snapped. "Where's Bobby?"

I jerked my thumb towards the driver's seat, kicking my feet a little harder now. I didn't look behind me while the two of them spoke, Quil's low and Bobby's loud. I tried to block out her complaints about me. I didn't wanna listen. And I didn't wanna look at Embry, so I ignored his stares too.

"Remy," Quil said, voice harsh. I turned to see him hanging out of the driver's seat of Bobby's car. "I'm taking Bobby home. Embry's gonna drive you home in my truck."

I pouted. "I don't wanna drive home with Embry."

"You should be feeling grateful for him. If he wasn't here I would've skinned you alive," he said, and then slammed the door shut behind him.

Reluctantly, I jumped off the hood and dragged me feet over towards Quil's truck. I made the mistake of looking at Embry. He wasn't hiding his emotions like he normally did, the absolute agony he was feeling was right there on his face, for everyone to see. It made my guy sink. "Hey Remy." I turned my head at Bobby's voice. She was leaning over Quil, head almost out the window with big wet eyes. "I'm sorry I called you a bitch. Thanks for protecting me."

I gave her a sad little smile before jumping into Quil's truck.

The tenseness was unbearable. I stared at Embry while he drove, studying the way he tightened his jaw and counting his blinks. He wasn't moving but every now and then one of his features would twitch. And I wanted him to do something. To yell at me for drunkenly dragging me out in the middle of the night, to lecture me about safety and responsibility, to do literally anything. But he just maintained the speed limit and kept his eyes fixed on the road. I shoved my hand towards his face. "My knuckles are bleeding."

His shoulders rose and fell with a heavy breath. "I'll get you some ice," he told me tightly.

I hummed, desperate to get something out of him. "I think it was okay for me to punch that guy in the face. He called Bobby a bitch and was really rude and I was just trying to protect my friend."

"Okay."

"Are you mad at me?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"No."

"Yes you are," I argued.

"Why'd you ask if you thought you knew?"

"Because you're not talking to me and it's weird."

Embry's grasp on the wheel tightened. "It's really scary for me when you do these things Remy. I feel like I always have to be worried about you because you don't care about your own safety. It's like, like you want to put yourself in danger."

I picked at my nails. "I didn't ask you to worry about me."

"Yeah, well I do!" he snapped, and I jumped. I had never seen him angry before. I wouldn't have been able to imagine him angry. But he was and he was shaking and I cowered. "I do, Remy. I worry about you a lot. And that's not gonna change now, alright? So next time you wanna run off into a city and sneak into a bar and put yourself in danger can you just pretend that you care about me enough not to put me through this again?"

"I-I'm sorry," I said, voice croaking. "I just don't understand it. I don't understand you."

He still wouldn't look at me. "You don't have to understand it. Just know it's true."

I pulled my legs tight up to my chest. "Quil hates me."

Embry sighed. "Quil doesn't hate you."

"Yes he does."

"He's worried about you. He's worried you're gonna end up like your brother."

And there was something about those words that hit me so hard in my chest that I thought I couldn't breathe. I wanted to cry but there were no tears and I held onto my legs tighter and sucked in air through my nose like it was disappearing around me. "Can you please...will you stay with me tonight?"

"What?"

"I don't wanna be alone."

Embry looked over at me with his gentle glossy eyes and there was something different about the way he looked at me. "Yeah, I'll stay." He took a hand off the wheel and placed it on my back, gently rubbing his thumb over my shoulder blades while I looked for air. "I'll stay with you, Remy."

well. that sure was a chapter. im sorry that im such a dramatic hoe that everyone is constantly in conflict. i love it tho. babyblue44 u are my ride or die. manypies: no U have MY heart. also, just a quick little thing. im sorry this story is so littered with typos and mistakes. i try to look for them but i am kinda dyslexic so its hard for me to catch. and by kind of dyslexic i mean literally dyslexic. so if you see them and they bother you just point them out and i can fix it! how did we feel about this chapter! what are our thots! are feelings? is the drama too much or do u love it. my cat is loving all the pets (bc one review=one pet for my cat). lov u guys 3

on a personal note, i like, totally graduated today. so yeah!