Okay, so I'm writing another quick little fic about Janus. This one is unconnected to the series I'm working on. I just really like Janus, and he's just about the only thing bringing me joy at the moment, so.
Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm just venting.
XXX
Sometimes, Janus just couldn't talk.
And wasn't that ironic? The one who always had a lie to tell sometimes found himself falling completely silent, completely against his own wishes. Sometimes when this happened, his sudden silence suited him just fine. He hadn't wanted to talk anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. Or the enforced silence would keep him from saying something he would regret later, bitter words that were actually truthful in the moment but would later fill him with shame if he actually uttered them out loud.
But other times, he did want to talk. Sometimes he wanted to talk so badly that it felt like his lips were a dam and his words were building up behind them and pressing forward until it felt like they would burst from his mouth any second, but they didn't. He just kept sitting there, silently staring at some point that wasn't even the person he was supposed to be focused on, and his words remained unspoken.
And wasn't that just great for the others? If only they knew how to make him freeze like that, they could use it to get him to shut up like they always wanted. He was just lucky, he supposed, that he wasn't around them very much, or they probably would have figured it out already.
Janus wasn't actually sure why he couldn't talk sometimes. He liked to talk, and usually, he didn't have any issue with it. Talking, telling lies and putting on a performance, was his thing. What he did know was that, one second he would be fine, and the next, an argument would start and he'd suddenly feel a tightness in his chest and he'd be silent. And by 'argument', he didn't mean those silly little debates with Thomas about right and wrong. No, by 'argument', he means when Patton has his rare moments of going off on the other sides in a massive lecture he'd been holding back for far too long, he means when Logan finally lets his emotions show (and they were such terrifying emotions sometimes) and starts yelling his head off, he means when Roman has had enough of dealing with someone and starts getting red in the face and Janus knows he's about to explode, he means when he messes with Virgil a little too much or shows up when the other side is in too bad of a mood and it brings the bitter words keeping old wounds bleeding to the surface. When Janus means 'argument', he means those incredibly emotionally-charged screaming matches that oftentimes don't even involve him but are so loud that he could hear them from just about anywhere in the mindscape. Whenever those happened, he would find himself in that silent state of being frozen, but since he was usually alone, it wasn't too big of a deal.
The real problem was when he was involved, which had been happening more now that he had revealed himself to Thomas. Not in front of Thomas- no, those conversations were still fine enough and he didn't freeze. Rather, the whole thing about the wedding and Janus sticking his nose into things had created a rift between the sides. Or maybe it just made the rift bigger. Either way, everyone seemed to be more on edge now, and the others would just blow up over the smallest of things (which, yes, he knew that it wasn't really because of whatever small thing happened, but that was the catalyst, and he hated having to wonder just what would be the spark this time).
But yes, it was a lot worse when he was involved. Whenever someone started shouting at him, whether it was deserved or not, he would freeze almost immediately, without even the chance to try to explain himself or apologize if he wanted to. And his freezing and silence would only make things worse because then whoever it was that was mad at him would get mad that he wasn't responding, wasn't paying attention. He wouldn't even be able to defend himself against that if he was able to speak in those moments because he, quite frankly (oooh, the truth), could barely remember what words were screamed at him after it was over. He wasn't intentionally ignoring what they were saying; he just couldn't focus on it. Instead, his head started spinning with all the words he couldn't get out of his head and before he knew it, he didn't even know what was being said anymore.
Most of the time, when an argument involved him, it only ended when the other sides got tired of yelling at him and stormed off, leaving him alone in whatever room the fight was in to slowly try to remember how to make his legs move (he still wouldn't be able to speak for a while afterward, but at least he could leave and be silent alone).
He'd been spending a lot of time in his room lately. Not that he had spent much time out of it before. When he was in his room, he could still hear the arguments between the other sides, but they weren't his arguments, and there were less of them when he wasn't around, anyway.
It was a bit lonely, but Remus sometimes came to visit him. He didn't have to worry about freezing around Remus because, despite how loud and angry the side could get, it was mostly just surface-level and would quickly fade away. Even at his angriest, Remus's words were never intended to hurt him, never meant to leave lasting wounds that rattled around in his chest.
He envied Remus sometimes. The other man could just talk and talk and talk and never seemed to have any trouble doing it. It was just so easy for him (or maybe it wasn't and he was just assuming- he doubted anyone else really noticed just how difficult it was for him to speak at times).
But still, at least he had Remus to talk to sometimes, when he could talk. Even if he couldn't, Remus could fill the room with his own words, words that helped drown out whatever fight the others were having this time, which actually helped coaxe Janus's words out from between his lips a bit sooner than if he had been alone.
The others were fighting again, but Remus wasn't here right now. Instead, Janus was just sitting in his room alone, only able to half-hear what anyone was yelling but being able to hear the anger and bitterness in their voices as clear as day. This time, it was Roman and Virgil again. He thought it was something about Virgil making Thomas too anxious again, but it was hard to tell. Whatever it was about, though, didn't really matter to Janus. He just wanted it to stop, wanted it to be quiet. He didn't care if it was a tense quiet- that was good enough- he just couldn't listen to it anymore. He was sure it had been well over an hour at this point.
What purpose did any of these arguments serve, anyway? They never solved anything. Roman and Logan would get mad, Patton would cry, Virgil would hide away, Remus would just go on with his day as usual, and Janus would be stuck in frozen silence. Nothing ever came of these fights. Never a solution, never any resolution. Just anger and hurt and wasted time.
Distantly, he wondered how Thomas was fairing with all of this. Surely, the increased conflict between his sides was causing him distress of some sort? He seemed fine whenever Janus showed up for videos, but he of all people knew that Thomas was perfectly capable of lying, of hiding away what he felt.
It wasn't like Janus could do anything about it, though, even if he knew Thomas was suffering. The others fought whether he was around or not; his presence only increased the frequency, and he was already staying out of everyone's way for the most part. He couldn't just duck out like Virgil did. Thomas without a sense of self-interest would be a disaster, and he couldn't do that to his host.
He tried his vocal chords, humming to see if he was starting to regain his voice yet. No, he still couldn't make a sound. Being able to hum didn't mean he would be able to talk, but it meant he was getting there. Being unable to hum, however, was always a clear sign that his words would continue to be trapped for a while.
Well, it wasn't like he had anything better to do other than sit in silence anyway. It's not like Thomas particularly needed him right now.
And so, Janus just sat as the shouting continued in another part of Thomas's mind, going on and on like it always did.
XXX
*shrug*