The next morning Natasha woke to her alarm clock blaring. Lashing out she struck it to silence, and a crash informed her that she had yet again broken the clock. She grumbled sleepily and rolled to her side as she reached out to find Steve. The bed was empty. Squinting around the sunlit room she sighed. He never stayed. He would always stay when she asked him to, but left once she fell asleep. When she had confronted him about it he had shrugged, "It's just how I was raised."
It was that good wholesome upbringing that had her worried. In time, Steve would come to know all of her past, not just what the internet knew, but her own personal experiences and the choices she had made. Because their thoughts were connected she couldn't hide anymore. She knew her experiences had shaped who she was, and she knew that it was not anything like who Steve was.
She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair, wild from her tossing and turning throughout the night. These nightmares were getting ridiculous, she couldn't have Steve constantly being woken to the sound of her cowardice. She always woke up shaken and weak from fear. Too often she asked him to stay and then behaved affectionately when she wasn't even really sure if it was a good idea.
Suddenly nervous that Steve could hear her thoughts, Natasha forced her mind to silence, listening for him. All was quiet. He was either asleep, or simply not thinking about her. She jumped out of bed and poked her head out her door and into the hallway, catching Wanda as she was passing by.
"Wanda, have you seen Steve?"
Wanda gave her a look of pity."Trying to have a moment of peace?"
Natasha nodded with a rueful smile.
"He's not here. He left earlier to run some errands in town."
Natasha made a face at her, "I just need some free thought time." Wanda nodded, "I understand." She paused, "You know, if you ever wanted to practice blocking him out…" She shrugged. He wouldn't have to know. It can't be easy for you..."
Natasha looked at her solemnly for a moment, "I don't know Wanda.. He can't block me out..."
Wanda gave her a small smile, "I don't imagine that Steve Rogers has much to hide…"
Natasha's face grew serious, and she nodded and closed the door, leaning her back against it. She slid down until she was sitting and put her head in her hands. He probably didn't have anything to hide. Certain that Steve wouldn't hear she let her mind rifle through the memories she so feared him seeing. Murder after murder floated behind her eyelids, the many faces of her victims, memories of a past life, of one man in particular who reminded her so much of Steve... Natasha shuddered and flinched from the memory.
She stretched her bare legs out before her. It had been so easy back then. One night was all it had ever taken to get information she had needed, sex was her sharpest tool. Some were easier than others. She rarely felt guilt for killing men who would beat their women and murder those who got in their seduced them and disposed of them without a second thought. But occasionally her target would turn out to be a good man, in the wrong place at the wrong time, and she would have to use a different strategy. One that, had she stopped to think about it, made her uneasy. She was small, desireable, and appeared so utterly helpless. Tears worked like magic on these kind men. Moved by chivalry and a sense of duty, they would bend over backward to help her, and many fell in love. In the days just before Clint had found her and she had dedicated her life to making up for what she had done, she had met a man who remained an open wound in her mind and heart.
He had been so like Steve, only without the experiences of a soldier. He was kind, his eyes soft towards her. That was the first thing she had noticed about Kristoff, his blue eyes were like a window to his soul, and she knew as soon as she saw him that he was a good man.
Natasha clenched her fists, teeth gritted. She shook her head and went to sit on her bed. You need to remember, you owe him that much, she thought fiercely at herself. It had been so long since she had opened that vault of memories in her mind, and she feared what she would find there. You need to sort this out… For Steve… Natasha closed her eyes, and began to remember...